Disclaimer; I don't own anything in the Yu Yu Hakusho universe. I own other things, fun things, but no rights to Yu Yu Hakusho. On with the story.

Oh, btw…

Hiei and Kurama, both straight.

Botan, gay.

Yuri…or Girl/Girl relationship here.

No Lemon or Lime, just allusion to them.

'R' rating is because of the mature themes presented and the dark plot. Got a problem with mature themes, move on.

Forbidden Lives

Hiei

If you asked him, Hiei would never admit to emotion...he'd probably kill you for annoying him with such a question. Even if you were someone that he considered a frie-...no, strike that. Even if you were someone whose presence he tolerated with something approaching, warmth, he would ignore you at the least...and probably 'hn' if he felt particularly generous. Hiei had always been the kind of demon who played things close to his chest, that independent rogue that didn't have a family, didn't have close friends, didn't even have simple friends or colleagues. He had acquaintances with varying degrees of usefulness. And perhaps a nemesis or two whose skills he could admire and abilities he could respect. But even for Hiei, someone whose outlook on life was black and white, there was a shade of gray there, and that gray was beginning to have more and more people in it.

Of course, Yukina was his sister, he would never admit the fact to her however. Perhaps that was the easiest relationship that a human could equate within Hiei's mindset and myriad...acquaintances. He did have duties, responsibilities...concerns about Yukina, he would do anything for her, he'd gotten the Jagan so he could keep an -erm- eye on her, so to speak.

Kurama...ah, Kurama had been the closest Hiei had ever considered an equal. Not a friend, but a confidant, someone who he respected and valued. The human Kurama was as sly and cunning as the Youko Kurama of legend. And even as a human, the sly fox was still a master thief. Hiei had much to value in Kurama.

Yusuke, Yusuke was a foe. No doubting that. But he was decent, and he was strong. A...challenge to be had, even if he and the detective found themselves on the same side more and more often. Be it by choice or design, for now Yusuke was an opponent who could not be fought without...inconvenience.

Kuwabara. Ungh, idiot. Ugly idiot at that. Idiot who couldn't be killed because Yukina found him amusing. How...annoying.

Botan? Chirpy, bubbly, happy, chipper and upbeat. Oh, to count the ways you anger me...

But as much as Hiei would deny having friends, the list of those who he would consider...closer than normal, always seemed to grow, ever since he'd met up with Kurama. Although even to any of them he would never admit emotion too, there was one, one very new to him that...perhaps, in a very generous mood he would go as far to say was...closer to him than anyone. Not that he would ever admit it to anyone, let alone her. He'd never admit what he was feeling right now to anyone, anyone, even if it was her. Even if she was the only person that he would ever admit was a friend.

Grief. So painful to him because it was so...alien to him.

He couldn't run from the memories that he had of this city, the memories with her...so he had run to the only place that was easiest to disassociate from her. He'd flitted from place to place, trees, streets, parks, stores, he'd simply found it too easy for his mind to wander back to memories, memories that fit the description of being happy...Gods...happy memories. He'd run, run from all he could and found himself here, standing atop the tallest building he could find, half completed, a skeleton of steel girders and construction equipment stretching down thirty stories below him. The night wind was blowing hard, whether it was because it was so high, or because of the dark clouds that were blowing towards him across the night sky didn't matter. It was windy. Hiei's eyes gazed about at nothing particular, try as he might, he couldn't help but look at the glittering lights below, bright jewels in the dark velvet of night. It seemed a reverse view of the earth, stars below, darkness above. His balance was precarious, the beam was thick, but something kept him from feeling that calm center that was so natural for his demon self.

One knee bent, then the other and he lowered him self down, his hands gripping the sides of the beam for stability before he made his way to one of the vertical, uncompleted beams that stabbed upwards toward the dark sky. He settled his back against it and almost felt himself return to a normal condition...but something still gnawed at him, unbalanced him, unnerved him. Hiei took a deep breath of the cool air and absently smoothed his robes, trying to blank the memories from his mind.

Or at least think of something else, but he just couldn't. No matter what he tried he could not forget. She wasn't someone who you could forget, even if you wanted to, even if you fought to.

"Damn you Koto...damn you." Hiei said, but the words had no malice behind them. He couldn't summon rage or anger. Instead, as they were carried away by the wind, something else tempered his words. Sadness, that kind of helpless sadness that a child feels when a beloved pet dies. A sadness that you feel when someone you love is gone forever. Or when you lose your best friend, and you know in your heart that you'll never find anyone like that again. Never find someone who you feel so close to, a confidant, a trusted person who knew all your secrets and you knew all theirs. And even greater was that sadness that came from knowing that you had a hand in pushing them away.

Hiei brought his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them. To say that this kind of meek, withdrawal was unlike the battle hardened Jagenshi was a profound understatement. It was a supreme indulgence for him, a secret indulgence that he could only have here, far away from anyone who could see him...and for reasons that only he knew. Hiei lowered his head onto his knees and sat there, not saying anything else. Just letting the wind whip around his body as he sat there, truly and wholly alone once again, willing that something, anything would take that suffering away from him.

"Koto...why? Why? Why did it have to be this way?" Hiei asked the wind, raising his head up. If someone saw him right then, they'd swear that the short demon was on the verge of tears. Working valiantly to refrain from crying but none the less, about to start sobbing.

And they would have been right.

Hiei leaned his head back and looked up at the black sky, somewhere off in the distance, a bolt of white lightning ripped through the heavens. The demon looked towards the horizon when he heard the rumble of thunder far off. The skies had responded to his question, but their answer was unclear. Hiei snaked one hand through his robes and reached for the two trinkets from the human world that he kept. His hand fell upon the gift first. The slender shape of the blade was unmistakable to his fingertips and he pulled it free. She'd made the knife for him herself, a talent and hobby that she had. It wasn't a combat blade, not for someone with a demon's strength or speed, or demonic enemies. For a human it would do quite nicely as a weapon, but that wasn't were the true craftsmanship of the weapon lay.

It was a balisong, or butterfly knife as humans called it. Easily concealed and in the hands of an expert, faster to draw than any other kind of knife. She'd carved out two halves of the handle from ivory and meticulously etched the intricate designs that served the dual purpose of providing a grip for the holder and giving elaborate ornamentation to the handle. She'd even inlaid gold leaf into the deep groves, outlining two halves of a dragon on each side of the handle when the blade was exposed, when closed it was just a convoluted series of golden etchings. The blade was wavy and double edged, forged from stone-cutter grade steel and polished to mirror finish, the edge gleamed in the faintest light.

The small weapon felt heavy in Hiei's hand as he held it up in front of his eyes. He didn't need much light, but the gold glittered in the faint light, then gleamed brilliantly as a lightning bold lit up the darkened sky. With a pair of crisp clacks he flicked open the knife, feeling a fresh wave of misery as he remembered the first time he'd attempted the move. He'd had to slow down his natural motion considerably, but that wasn't what had made it difficult.

Doing it was what made it difficult. That was almost funny to him, almost. She'd thought it was hilarious. Gods, she had giggled her head off every time he'd tried and caught his fingers in the blade. Clack-clack-'oww'. Clack-Clack-'oww'. For an entire hour as he tried to mimic the motions that she'd done so effortlessly. Absently he ran a thumb over the back of his right index finger where a small stripe of white scar tissue remained, in spite of his normally exceptional demon healing abilities.

Another memory of her that lingered.

Hiei flicked the blade closed and then open again in rapid succession before looking at the mirror finished blade. He gazed into it and looked away…he couldn't even look himself in the eye, any of them. He flicked the blade closed and reached back to toss it away, but froze. His eyes looked down at the elegant carving and inlay. Solemnly, the diminutive fire demon tucked the blade back into the folds of his robe. Then grasped the other mortal trinket from inside his robe, a photograph. Hiei felt as if his hand was moving of it's own accord, ignoring the pleas of his mind that tried to will it to stop. He didn't want to see that picture, he didn't want to see her again. He didn't want to see the side of himself that she brought out of him.

He shut his eyes firmly, blanking out his mind and focusing only on the blackness. He didn't want to see her, to see that face again. And yet, something inside him demanded that he see it again. Slowly, through a supreme force of will, Hiei pried his eyes open and forced himself to look at the picture. Another lighting bolt gave him a brilliant momentary flash of light to look at it again.

Another of Koto's hobbies that she'd taken up because it looked interesting, knife making, drift racing, customizing cars…heh, ballroom dancing and playing the violin were among the list. Of course, the first two were the ones that she'd drug him into and he'd actually enjoyed…funny how leaping from rooftops and battling the most powerful demons and monsters imaginable could seem less interesting than hurtling down a mountain road in the passenger seat of Koto's customized Mitsubishi with six other racers vying for the lead, and no prize beyond the right to say that they were the fastest.

It was of the garage/workshop that she'd set up, the walls filled with racks of tools and equipment whose purpose he'd only guessed at, despite her repeated explanations. The center of the picture was her car, painted in a garish combination of white and yellow, with some pink highlights and neon, he'd always shaken his head at the sight of it. They were both in the picture, sitting on the hood, looking at the camera in identical poses. One foot up on the front bumper, right sleeves rolled up, flexing their biceps. Both showing off their tattoos.

The black dragon on his right arm curled out from beneath the white sleeveless shirt he wore under his black robes, several black grease marks staining it. He was wearing a yellow headband instead of his white one. Another of Koto's little gifts that he had. She had done the best she could to make him her unofficial 'mascot' at races…but the yellow headband was as generous as he got with changing his outfit. Although he always wore it whenever they were at Koto's little garage. He was even smiling. Not smirking, not grimacing, not sneering…smiling…he'd been happy. Genuinely happy to be there with her, and it could have only been expected, she was his friend after all.

With a final bit of effort he forced himself to focus in on her. Hiei almost shed a tear…almost. He snapped his eyes shut, forcing himself not to cry. He could still see her, emblazoned on the back of his eyelids.

Koto was by human standards…and perhaps by demon standards, gorgeous. Hiei knew that from the number of times that he'd seen human males flirting with her, and attempting to belittle him, thinking them lovers and not just friends. Of course, it hadn't worked out very well for them considering that her preference was for females as well…

She was taller than he was, able to lean on the hood of the car, rather than sit on it as he was doing. Her legs were long and had the smooth grace of a runner's. She was wearing a short pair of white track shorts and a yellow top that was cut into a mid-rift, revealing her pierced navel. Her upper body had little muscle definition, but she was most certainly described as athletic. Koto's tattoo, on her right arm as well, wasn't a dragon like his. It was a phoenix wreathed in flame.

She was smiling as well, although it was in a silly-tough way, she was trying to mimic the normally stoic face that he had. Her short cut ice-blonde hair was held back from her eyes by a pair of sunglasses pressed high up on her forehead. Spots of grease adorned her hands and arms, and there was even a spot on the tip of her nose…the same one she always seemed to have when she worked on her car.

Koto had said that the picture was for her, but when she finally had it developed, she'd pressed the frozen moment in time into his hands and smiled.

"It's for you Hiei." She'd said.

"Why?" He had replied, studying the image before looking at her.

"Because you're my friend, and I want you to always remember me." She had said and hugged him in that way he always hated. When she would scoop him up and hug him so that his feet were dangling off the ground. He fidgeted for a moment and then hugged her back, the picture clutched in his hand. When she set him down, he looked at the back and read the little note she'd penned on the back.

Hiei, you're a one of a kind and I know we'll always be friends. -Love, Koto

That was when he'd told her everything. The truth about who he was, what he was. Everything he'd done, what kind of person he was, everything…even Yukina. That was what had started this. That was what had set that ball rolling that had ripped Koto Miuki, that wonderful person…that wonderful friend from his life…

No…

Not just his…

For everything about this that hurt, for all the pain that had come of this sordid chain of events, Kurama's loss…Botan's loss…those were far worse than simply losing a friend, no matter how much it hurt him. Kurama had lost someone who he cared about as a sister, someone who meant almost as much to him as his mother.

And Botan…

Botan had lost something even more precious than that. She'd lost love.

That hurt, perhaps not as much, but it still hurt. To Hiei, that was far from being the punishment that he felt he deserved. But he could do nothing, he couldn't bring himself to do anything other than sit there, holding that picture, pressing one hand to his face, and willing himself not to cry.

Try as he might, one single tear defied him and rolled down his face. Taken by the wind into the dark night.

Next Up: Kurama

Kurama sat in the darkened room. His green eyes locked on the sleeping figure that lay in the bed. He rested his interlaced fingers in front of his face and waited for her to wake, waited so he could admit the horrible violation that he had committed against her. Perhaps it would be some small way to atone for what he'd done, but he knew that he had done his work too well, the memories were gone.

But for him, they remained vivid and would never leave him.

A fitting punishment for me… He thought bitterly. Although a torture neither Hiei or Botan deserve.