The Underland Chronicles

In

HOT SPOT

An interview show for all of our favorite TUC characters, featuring questions that make the interviewed character squirm with embarrassment and discomfort!

Disclaimer: I don't own Underland chronicles…yeah, we all know that.

Random Announcer: Welcome to…Hot Spot, TUC Edition! Here's your lovely hostess…-drumroll- Lulu!!

Lulu: -materializes in a puff of purple smoke-

Ares: -interrupts- Why can't the smoke be black? Black is a color that reminds me of my misery, death, and all of the bad things about the world, and I think instead of purple we should have a color that reminds us of life's tragedy because—

Lulu: It's purple cuz purple's a cool color. Now go be emo somewhere else, it's not your turn yet.

Ares: Fine. My life is already miserable anyway. –flies off-

Lulu: Okay then…well, welcome to Hot Spot, TUC edition! Here we'll ask questions that make the characters squirm. And as extra entertainment, we have cynical rats, sexy tyrants, and, as you just saw…emo bats.

Random audience member A: Can we just get on with the show? I have a Tuna Casserole cooking at home and I really need to get back to it!

Lulu: What kind of idiot leaves a Tuna Casserole cooking while they're at a live television show taping?

Random Audience member A: The kind of idiot who hates overcooked Tuna Casserole! So get on with it!

Lulu: AS I WAS SAYING, I hope you all enjoy the show, because we worked extremely hard to put—

Random Audience member A: Tuna Casserole!

Lulu: -loses patience- JUST GO GET YOUR FRIGGEN TUNA CASSEROLE AND LEAVE US ALONE!

Random Audience member A: Fine. I have a deathly fear of giant rats anyway. –leaves-

Lulu: Well, thanks for the info, I'll be sure to send a couple of my rat cohorts to freak you out later. –takes a deep breath- Anyway, now that we have no more interruptions, it's time to get back to the show! First up is…Bane!

Bane: -is pushed out by stage hands- I DON'T WANNA!

Lulu: But Bane, you agreed to go first, remember?

Bane: That was before I saw all these people watching me!

Lulu: Well, that's a first. A rat prophesized to destroy an entire land with stage fright.

Bane: Don't make me go! Look at their eyes, their beastly, wild eyes!

Random Audience member B: I don't have beastly, wild eyes!

Lulu: Yeah, yeah, you don't. Hey, Bane, if you go on, I'll give you…Chocolate!

Bane: -gasps- Chocolate?

Lulu: Yep, chocolate. A big block of it.

Bane: -considers- Okay, I'll do it for the CHOCOLATE!

Lulu: Good. Now…the ring of Fire!

Bane: Ring of fire? What ring of fire? We never agreed to a ring of fire! I don't like fire!

-A ring of fire appears around the Bane, who screams like a girl-

Lulu: -matter-of-factly- That's so you can't run away.

Bane: Eep!

Lulu: Now for our first question. Bane, what do you really think of Ripred?

Bane: Umm…True!

Lulu: -stares blankly at him- Bane, this isn't—

Bane: No, wait, False!

Lulu: It's not a—

Bane: No, I know this! 52!

Lulu: I'm trying to tell you—

Bane: 68! 24! 77! 512!

Lulu: listen to—

Bane: 1,174!!!!

Lulu: BANE!

Bane: Seventeen?

Lulu: Bane, there's no right answer to this question. Just say what you think.

Bane: Uh…what was the question again?

Lulu: -sigh- Never mind. Onto the next question! Bane, if you could talk to your father, Snare, right now, what would you say?

Bane: SNARE!!!!!! –runs around inside the ring screaming-

Lulu: He's not here! Just answer the question!

Bane: I would…I would…tell him he's a big meanie!

Lulu: A big meanie?

Bane: Yeah.

Lulu: A big meanie.

Bane: Yes, a big meanie!

Lulu: All right then. A big meanie. –mutters frustratedly to herself-

Bane: I like secrets! Tell me!

Lulu: I'm not telling a secret.

Bane: Then why are you whispering? Whispering means secrets!

Lulu: No, it doesn't.

Bane: If you tell me your secret I'll tell you that I think Twirltongue is evil and she's really mean to me and…

Lulu: -gasps-

Bane: AND SHE'S FAT!

Twirltongue: -runs out- He doesn't mean that, do you, Bane?

Bane: -sobs- Yes…I…do!

Twirltongue: No, you don't, Bane, dear. Remember, you can still be King. You are the most powerful creature in the Underland, and that throne will be yours if you want it. And you do want it.

Bane: -sniffles- Really?

Twirltongue: Would I lie to you?

Lulu: -mutters- Yes, you would.

Bane: -looks at Lulu angrily- No! Twirltongue's my friend, you're being mean to her! Stop being mean, you big meanie!

Twirltongue: That's it, Bane. You tell her.

Bane: I never wanted to come on this stupid show anyway!

Lulu: Fine. Then you don't get…this! –pulls out giant block of chocolate-

Twirltongue: You don't need it, Bane. There are more important things.

Bane: But—

Twirltongue: -holds up her paw to silence him- Ah!

Bane: Okay, you're right! Let's blow this popsicle stand!

Lulu: -tries to hide laughter- Popsicle stand?

Bane: I'm…hungry…-shrugs- -jumps over ring of fire and moves towards the exit with Twirl-

Twirltongue: -mutters to Bane as they are leaving- Do you really think I'm fat?

Bane: -ponders- Maybe just a little big around the middle. You might want to consider eating a little less crawler at lunch.

Twirltongue: Do you think they offer diet shrimp in cream sauce? –they exit-

Lulu: Whatever. Their loss. Send out the next contestant!-Solovet is pushed out-

Solovet: Well, I am here.

Lulu: Why is it that we keep interviewing dead characters?

Stage hand A: Hey, you're the author.

Lulu: I don't remember planning this. I thought Solovet was supposed to be next episode.

Stage Hand B: Well, we had a cancellation.

Lulu: Who?

Stage Hand A: It seems that Cartesian has dropped out, due to the fact that he "can't find the others".

Lulu: -mumbles- That's cuz the others are lying dead in Hades Hall. –sighs- Well, okay then. Solovet, you're up!

Solovet: -casts a disapproving expression on the Ring of Fire as it appears- Can we just get on with this? I have an army to command.

Lulu: But you're dead.

Solovet: So?

Lulu: Forget it. I don't even want to know.

Solovet: Then do not ask.

Lulu: I didn't. –Solovet stares at her- Alright, let's just get on with the first question. Solovet, did you ever consider leaving Vikus?

Audience: -gasps-

Lulu: -shrugs- Hey, it's called "Hot Spot." This is the whole point.

Solovet: Do I have to answer this?

Lulu: Yes.

Solovet: Fine. Yes.

Lulu: -taken aback- you have?

Solovet: Yes, I have. I considered leaving everyone when I was confined to my chambers due to causing the plague. I did not think it was fair.

Lulu: You were that mad?

Solovet: Yes, I was. Now let us move on!

Lulu: Well, it appears our next question is…Why exactly did you give orders for Gregor to be locked in the dungeon? And tell us the truth.

Solovet: I did it because…I am Evil! –sinister music plays-

Lulu: Oh, come on.

Solovet: Fine, I am not evil. I—

-something materializes inside the Ring of fire-

Solovet: Oh, look, an Undead Monkey.

Lulu: Uh…hello? This is TUC, not POTC. (I don't own POTC either) –undead monkey vanishes- That was…odd…

Stage Hand B: -calls off from stage left- They're doing a POTC taping next door, I think the monkey wandered off while it was taking 5.

Lulu: Okay then…well, it appears that's all the time we have for today!

Solovet: But I never got to answer my question!

Lulu: Did you really want to?

Solovet: No.

Lulu: Point taken. Now, thank you all for watching Hot Spot, TUC edition! Tune in next time!-vanishes in another puff of purple smoke-

Ares: Hey, look, I wrote a poem about my miserable life. Oh yeah, and if that smoke isn't black next time, I'll cut myself.

Lulu's voice: And there's that emo bat again!

Ares: Who said that? –there is silence- Oh well, I guess I'll just go read my poem to no one, because none of them want to listen because they all hate me. I'm depressed. –flies off-

Random Announcer: Well, that was the first episode of Hot spot, TUC edition! What will happen next time? Who will be interviewed next? Will Cartesian ever find the others? Will that smoke ever turn black like Ares wants? Will Twirltongue ever find diet shrimp in cream sauce? And when will the legendary RIPRED appear? Be sure to watch our next episode!

Twirltongue: I will find some!

Bane: I'm telling you, if you just cut down on those crawlers, everything will be fine and you won't have to—-lights go off- Hey! I don't like the dark!!!!

Well, that was the first episode of TUC Hot Spot! If you have a specific character that you'd like to see interviewed, just include a request in your review.

Lulu