Challenge fic again.
This was the challenge I was given: The theme is miscommunication, and as a result hilarity ensues. Light with heavy undertones of serious. And you have to stick to cannon pairings.
(Don't worry the Ace's High sequel is coming!)
Not Every Girl is Saffron
"A present? For me? You shouldn't have!" Wash puts on a girly voice.
"Well maybe I'll take it back then. It was expensive."
Mal can hear the amusement in Inara's voice.
He lingers behind the wall not wanting to go into the bridge. He and Inara aren't on the best of terms right now. As usual.
"No give me!" Wash demands childishly.
"Open it then," Inara says with a laugh.
There is the sound of rustling paper then, "Its perfect! Thank you 'Nara."
"My pleasure."
"It can sit right here," Wash says happily. "Mmmm come here and kiss me."
Ai ya, Mal thought shaking his head. He could not have heard that right. He leans slightly further towards his bridge without letting himself be seen. There is the distinct slurping of two people kissing.
He pulls a face. This isn't happening. Wake up wake up. He pinches his arm. Still awake. He decides that the safest option is strategic retreat or in other terms, running away.
Mal stands on the catwalk and stares very hard at Wash, who is playing a rough and tumbles game with Zoë, Jayne and Kaylee.
"Come on 'Nara!" he yells to the watching Companion who is standing with Simon on the stairs. "Come and get tackled."
Kaylee grins naughtily at Simon. "Yeah, come get…tackled."
Simon goes rather red, and mutters something Mal can't hear.
River comes ghosting up beside Mal and places an ice-cold hand over his. She smiles eerily at him.
"Betrayal is best swallowed whole."
"What?"
"They don't have to be alike." She pulls him round to face her. "Maybe it's the dinosaurs…or maybe its just you. I always thought they would make a sweet couple."
And River walks away again. Mal stares at her back for a long moment.
"Wha?"
He turns back to the game and blinks. Simon has stripped off his vest to just his shirt which is already open at the collar by Kaylee's over-enthusiastic grabbing at him. Inara has hitched up her skirt, taken off her shawl and is in the thick of the game. Simon passes her the large rubber ball. Wash lunges at her and picks her bodily from the floor. She shrieks but manages to throw the ball to Jayne who scores through the large metal hoop suspended from the ceiling. Inara kicks her legs until Wash puts her down.
"Now that ain't dignified for a Companion," Mal calls leaning over the railing. "Maybe for a whore…" he regrets the words the moment they are out of his mouth.
Inara gives him a look that could melt steel and rearranges her clothing before marching from the cargo bay.
Mal shoots Zoë an insistent look over the dining table. She gives him a 'what?' look. He jerks his head towards Wash and Inara's empty places.
"What?" she asks in confusion.
"Where's Wash?" Mal asks.
"On the bridge…where you ordered him to be."
"And Inara?"
Zoë shrugs and continues to eat.
Mal hisses in exasperation. Subtlety be gorramed. "I think your husband is sleeping with Inara."
He didn't know people in real life could all fall silent at once. Or all stare at him like he was crazy.
"That is a very serious accusation Captain," Book starts.
"Wash wouldn't…" Kaylee says.
Simon puts a hand over hers to quiet her. He looks at River who is giggling into her napkin.
Zoë however has said nothing. She stares at Mal for a long minute her mouth open and then starts laughing.
She grabs the comm and calls Wash between laughs to the dining room.
"Wash? Come down here, and bring Inara's gift."
Wash appears a moment later, something clutched in his hand. It turns out to be a diplodocus toy.
"You want to explain, captain?"
Inara chooses this moment to enter. Mal stares at her and she frowns at him.
Mal's mouth moves silently for a moment. "But you were kissing her…"
"What?" Wash and Inara say instantaneously.
"No offence," Wash adds.
"He was kissing me," Zoë corrects. "You were just listening weren't you?"
Mal looks sheepish. "No…"
Zoë leans over the table and cuffs him round the head.
"Ow," he protests. "But the game…all the touching stuff…"
"Smutty mind!" River snaps. "Preacher, send him to the Special Hell!"
Inara walks calmly round the table and cuffs him harder round the head.
"Ow! What was that for?"
Jayne is laughing too hard to breathe.
"I told you I wouldn't be servicing crew and you…you…"
Mal points at River while holding his head. "She said…"
Simon stares at her with annoyance. "River."
River just smiles at him. "Simon he was wrong. Needed teaching a lesson. Shouldn't call ladies whores." She turns to Mal who has gone a bit pink. "You shouldn't project your insecurities on to others Captain. Not every girl is Saffron."