Merlin loved having magic. Truly he did. He couldn't imagine what life would be like if he wasn't able to stop time, to create fire, to warm up water, to cause the wind to blow, to make shapes with the clouds or to calm a skittish horse with a mere thought. It was unimaginable for him not being able to feel the changing of the seasons, or the turning of the earth, or the pulse of life within every single thing.
More than all of this he couldn't imagine being powerless to protect Arthur against the myriad things that threatened his life on (what seemed like) a daily basis.
He knew that his magic was a precious gift from who-knew-where? He knew that his magic was powerful - Gaius said more powerful than anything he had ever seen in all his long life. He knew that it was his destiny to use it to protect the life of Arthur. The Dragon had told him that with Merlin at his side the Prince would one day become a 'the Once and Future King and would raise Albion to greatness.
He knew in his soul that his magic was a blessing...so why tonight, as he lay on his bed resolutely NOT helping the Druid boy Mordred attempt to escape from Camelot for a second time, did it feel like such a curse?
Sometimes he wished that he could simply switch off his powers for a while. Just...to be. Just fulfill his role as manservant to Prince Arthur with no decisions more complex than what shirt to lay out for the day, or what treats to bring up for the Prince's breakfast to cheer him up at the start of the day (Arthur was most definately NOT a morning person...), or how shiny to make his Prince's armour.
But destiny, apparently, was a cruel mistress and had other plans - which is why he was laying here trying to decide whether he should be saving the child...
Of course, Merlin had been very glad of his powers when he had saved Arthur from Valiant's attempt on his life, and from the Afanc, and the Griffen, and - worst of all - the devilish 'She'. If he had not been blessed with such powerful magic then Arthur would be dead and gone by now. Merlin shuddered as he thought of this. Despite his master's ability to be an utter prat for much of the time, Merlin was daily becoming more fond of him and couldn't even contemplate Arthur dying without getting a sick feeling deep in his gut and breaking into a sweat.
As he lay on his back staring at the ceiling Merlin reflected over the last day or so since he had first heard Mordred calling him. Should he have ignored the cry and let the guards take the boy to Uther? It would have certainly made his own life easier...but he knew that there is no way he would not have helped the boy. Mostly because his mother had instilled within him a strong sense of right and wrong (what possible threat could such a young boy pose to anyone?!) but also because he was curious. Nobody had ever spoken to him through thoughts before. Of course he knew that there were other magic users in the world (he'd seen too many die at Uther's hands even in his short time in Camelot) but he had never met any. He was intruiged by Mordred and his obviously powerful magic abilities. Part of him wanted to get to know the boy, to confide in someone who understood what it was to be blessed (or cursed?) with magic from birth like he himself had been. When he had finally spotted Mordred hiding behind a market stall, moments away from discovery, he knew that he could not leave the boy to be caught and killed by Uther and it was on an impulse that he swept him into the castle and up into Morgana's chambers. Even now, he couldn't quite believe that Morgana had helped him hide the boy and even after dire threats from Uther was prepared to help Mordred escape again.
Merlin wondered if Mordred had somehow ensorcered Morgana to behave like this - it seemed so out of character for her to put so much at risk.
He was also beginning to wonder if Mordred was the harmless child that he had seemed when Merlin first spied him. He'd been in the room with Mordred as his father had been executed. He had felt the surge of anger that had flowed from the boy. It was like nothing Merlin had ever felt before and for one terrifying moment he thought that it would split his head in two. He was surprised that only the mirror in Morgana's room had been cracked by the wave of magic released by this rage - he thought that the power could easily have made the ground shake. Merlin had sensed right at that moment that something had been broken within this child and that a dark evil chasm lurked deep within the boy's soul. Although he had not wanted to hear it, he wasn't unduly surprised when the Dragon had said that he and the Druid boy were "as different as day and night".
He was deeply unsettled in a way that he couldn't quite understand when Mordred had called him "Emrys" for the first time. He knew enough of the old language to know that the name meant "Immortal". He had thought that the boy was delirious when he had first used this name and had maybe mistaken him for someone else, but when Merlin had quizzed him Mordred had gone on to claim that amongst the druid people Merlin was known as Emrys. Surely he was mistaken. How could the boy know who he was? How could the Druid people know of him? He was just a nobody from a small village who happened to have a bit of magic - wasn't he? He was even more unsettled when he related Mordred's words to the Dragon who had told him that it was indeed one of his names and then gone on to claim, "much is written about you that you have yet to read".
...What did that even mean?
As he lay on his bed thinking about of this he rolled onto his side and curled into a ball with his hands clenched on either side of his head...suddenly the weight of his destiny was just too much for him and he wanted to block it all out and just to be the simple country bumpkin that Arthur was always accusing him of being.
As if this wasn't enough to send a boy mad, the Dragon's prophecy that "if the boy lives, you cannot fulfill your destiny" downright terrified Merlin. He cursed the Dragon for speaking in riddles and never ever giving straight answers but he had implied that if Mordred lived then he would endanger the life of Arthur. It was hard for Merlin to imagine such a frail child posing a threat to such a great warrior such as Arthur...but but but - he had also felt that surge of anger from the boy and wondered just how powerful Mordred could become if he honed his powers.
And then his prattish, idoitic, impetuous, brave, noble Arthur had complicated things even further by volunteering to help Mordred escape and to return him to the Druids!
Had the boy ensorcered Arthur too? He couldn't believe how much Arthur and Morgana were prepared to risk for a known sorcerer, and wondered lazily if this would be a good time to confess his own powers to Arthur. Probably not...
His destiny dictated that he let the child die this time, but his consience could not even contemplate letting this happen. He was so conflicted he thought that his head might split in two. He'd spoken to Gaius about it over supper weighing up the 'really bad' option of letting Mordred die against the 'unthinkable' that at some point in the future the boy would kill Arthur. He thought he'd decided to do nothing after his chat with Gaius but now as he tossed and turned on his bed he was so so unsure.
And then Mordred began calling to him through thoughts again.
"Emrys Emrys, where are you?"
Merlin shut his eyes tight and tried to block the voice from his mind.
"They're coming"
Merlin's stomach clenched.
"I'm scared Emrys, they'll kill me".
Merlin tried his best to harden his heart as the voice continued to echo through his brain, "Emrys, Emrys!".
He was resolute. He would NOT go to the boy.
Then he remembered Arthur. The Prince was with Mordred and might at any moment be discovered by the guards. If that happened the outcome could not possibly be good. Either Arthur would fight and possibly kill his own guards and escape - then not be able to live with the guilt. Or he might be captured and thrown into the dungeons. What punishment would Uther give him? Banishment? A flogging? Execution? Or he may at the last moment give up the Druid boy to the guards. But what would Mordred do in this scenario? He had the power to do harm to - if not kill - the Prince.
Whatever the outcome, it would not go well for his Prince. In a split second, Merlin leapt up from his cot and ran as fast as he could toward the tunnel entrance to help them escape. To hell with the Dragon's prophecy - his Prince needed him!