A slightly odd stand-alone oneshot prompted by a very old pun - one so venerable that St Augustine used it. As will become clear, in this, Nico and Will are nearing the end of their time at Camp. But they're not quite grown-up yet...

Warning for gratuitous Latin, dull recitations of grammar, and Solangelo fluff.

Saying No to Nouns

Grammar by the Lake

The grass was green, the water was blue, the sun was shining. And Will was complaining.

"I don't see why we have to do this, Nico. It's a lovely day, we're out by the lake, and you want me to learn stuff!"

Nico raised his eyebrows at Will. His face was uncharacteristically drawn into a sulky pout (Nico recalled all the times when Will had criticised him for that), his eyes were downcast, and even his hair, normally blonde and bouncy had sort-of wilted. So Will was going to be that kind of pupil, was he?

"Because if we're going to be living in New Rome, then you'll have to be able to understand some Latin."

Will huffed petulantly, picking at the grass. "They all speak English!"

"Not for official stuff," said Nico.

"Why? We don't speak Greek. Much."

Nico shrugged. "They're different. Stuffier, I know. But, whinge all you like, that's how they are." He patted Will on the knee. "Plus, it might even be helpful with your doctoring."

Will didn't look convinced. He tried batting his eyelashes at his boyfriend.

"That's not going to get you out of this."

Will groaned and flopped back onto the slope. Nico looked at him, unimpressed.

"Look, you've got a choice: you either do this with me - as I arranged with Chiron - or you can join all the little kids in their elementary Latin classes."

"Nico…"

"I mean, those little plastic seats are cute, but I don't think you'll fully fit into one."

Will sat back up. "I'm eighteen now, Nico, not a little kid!"

"Well, then, stop acting like one and we can get on with the lesson. First conjugation present active indicative: habito."

"I bet Percy didn't have to do this…" muttered Will.

"Percy saved the world. Twice. He gets dispensation. Habito."

"Hey, I helped! We all did!"

"Doesn't matter. Habito."

"Um… Habito - I dwell. First declension - uh - 'a' stems, right?" Will looked questioningly at Nico.

"I'm asking the questions, Will."

"Oh, fine. Habito, Habita-s?" Will paused.

"Yeah, but that's not the whole thing, is it?"

"I hadn't finished! Habito, habitas, habitat, habitamus, habita - er - tis -"

"Habitertis?"

"I didn't say that. Habitatis, habitant."

"Good. A bit slow, but OK."

"Gee thanks."

"You're welcome. Moneo?"

"I warn: Moneo, mones, monet, monemus, monetis, monent."

"Very good. Now, third declension: rego."

"I rule. (And I do, Death Boy.) Rego, regis, regit, regimus, regitis, regint."

"Close. Regunt, not regint. It changes."

"Latin is a stupid language," groaned Will.

"It is what it is. Id est quod est, if you will." Nico allowed himself a little smirk. Will had a fleeting desire to punch him.

"I won't. And, before you ask - I come: venio, venis, venit, venimus, venitis, veniunt."

"Well remembered."

"Are we done now?" asked Will.

"Yes," said Nico. "Except if you want to do anything other than shout present-tense verbs at people."

"I'm open to that. Can we go swimming now?"

"No. Decline rex."

"No, thanks." Will grinned, smug.

"Ha. Ha." Nico fixed Will with a glare. "Do it."

"Or…?"

Nico leaned in close to Will's ear. "Or else." Will felt his cheek grow inexplicably cold.

"Rex, rex, regem, regis, regi, rege!" he burst out.

Nico sat back, his water bottle in his hands. "Knew you could do it." He opened it and drank. "Ahhh! Refreshing!"

Will merely rolled his eyes.

"I noticed that you didn't do the plural form…"

"Reges, reges, reges, regum, regibus, regibus." Will sighed. There really was no getting out of this.

"Translate?"

"The kings - subject, O kings, the kings - object, of the kings, to-or-for the kings, by-with-or-from the kings."

"Now decline puella for me."

Will grinned. He brought Nico's hands in between his own and kissed them. "I already have, if you'd noticed. Omni puellae."

"You're not really using your homosexuality to get out of this, are you? Uh - and the kissing isn't going to work either. Though, if you like, you can keep trying."

"I was using it as a joke," muttered Will. "Fine. Puella - the girl. Puella, puella, puellam, puellae, puellae, puella. Plurals : puellae, puellae, puellas, puellarum, puellis, puellis."

"Excellent."

"Please can we go swimming?" Will wheedled. "Look at all those people having fun!"

"Don't care. Now for something a little harder."

"Really - ow!" Will flushed. "I didn't say anything!"

"I know you did. Now, say what I just said in Latin."

"'I know you did'?"

"Uh-huh."

"So … is that present tense and imperfect tense?"

"Did?"

"Oh. Completed action. Perfect."

"Ergo…?"

"Uh… Cognosco?"

"I know, yes. Scio would work, too."

"Then. Um. Facere. It's irregular. Third declension." Will screwed up his eyes, desperately trying to remember the charts Nico had made him study. "Fac -" Will caught Nico's slight shake of the head. "Fec- er - fecisiti?" He smiled. "Cognosco fecisti."

Nico wrinkled his nose. "I guess. It's intelligible, at least."

Will scowled. "I didn't know I was being marked on style."

"It's Latin. Style is everything, because the language is not very conversational."

"What would you have said, Cicero?"

"Hmm. You could say lots of things, I guess. Scio te fecisse."

"And why is that better than what I said?"

Nico shrugged.

Will scowled. "That's not an answer!"

"Who's the teacher?"

Will sighed. "You are."

"Good boy."

Will narrowed his eyes at Nico. "How do you decline 'die'?"

"You can't. It's inexorable," said Nico, a glint in his eye.

Will shook his head. "And you are the one making puns now?"

"Well, you can't, anyway. 'Die' is a verb: you conjugate verbs."

"Decline and conjugate mean the same thing."

"Technically, yes…" Nico bit his lip. "But for the purposes of learning grammar…" Nico trailed off into silence.

"You ignore what words actually mean?" prompted Will.

"Shut up. Whatever you do to it, you can't inflect morior like a normal verb - it's a deponent verb."

"A what-what verb?"

"Deponent. Passive in form, active in meaning."

"Like the middle voice in Greek?"

"Not quite." Nico bobbed his head. "But it's similar."

"Similarly weird." Will pressed his hands to his eyes. "This doesn't seem to be a very structured lesson."

"I don't seem to have a very committed pupil."

"Maybe if you were a bit nicer to me…"

Nico sniffed. "And what do you mean by 'nicer'?"

Will wrinkled his nose. "Well, maybe, instead of sitting half a mile off over there, you could, maybe, scoot over here?"

Nico reckoned that this was an attempt to get out of any more grammar tests. But that wrinkled up nose…

Will smothered a grin as Nico slid down next to him, his right hip rubbing against Nico's left.

"Better, Sunshine?" said Nico.

"Much. Now…" Will put his arm around Nico's shoulder's. "Relax." Slowly, he leaned backwards, taking Nico down with him until they were stretched out on the grass. "Now, isn't this a better way to have a lesson?"

Nico had to admit to himself that he thought it was. Not to Will, though. Oh, no. "I can't see it becoming standard pedagogic practice. Right. Vocab test. What does that cloud look like?"

"Um. Canis?"

"And the genitive?"

"Why?"

"So you know the stem. The nominative singular can often be a bit odd."

"Oh. Right. Well, uh, canis. Again."

"Well done. And that cloud?"

"Hmm. Draco -" Will corrected himself before Nico had the chance. "- Draco, draconis."

"And that one?"

"What is that supposed to be?"

"A boat?"

Will looked sidelong at Nico. "You reckon? OK. Navis. Genitive, navis. You're seeing a lot of third declension things in the clouds today."

"Mmm. How about that?"

"Porcus, porci."

"Yeah, I'll give you that. It is quite pig-like."

"Hey, look at that one."

"Vespertilio, vespertilionis?"

"A bat? No need to be morbid, Death Boy. I was thinking more angelus, angeli."

"Sap."

Will sighed happily. "Yeah. Wise. That's me."

Nico lifted himself up, frowning. "No -"

"Sapiens. It's my Latin name."

Nico sighed and lay back down. "Of the whole species! -"

"Fifth declension."

"Teacher's pet now, too, eh?"

"Only for you."

"Sap."

Will rolled over onto his side, so he could face Nico. "Can I have a go at making it worse?"

Nico mirrored his boyfriend. They were now nose-to-nose. "Well, this lesson's just about collapsed anyway."

"OK, then, Nico, I've got one for you: Amo." Will beamed proudly.

"Amo what? Or just in general?"

"Huh?" Will frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I don't know why you did, because you were fine earlier, but I think you missed out a pronoun there, Will."

Will looked a little hurt. "I was trying to be nice -"

Nico interrupted him. "I know you were. That's why - etiam amo te."

Will blinked. He racked his brains. "Semper amabo te."

Nico chuckled. "Yeah. However long that is. As long as you don't try singing that."

"Can we go swimming now?"

"Only if you ask me in Latin."

"What? Subjunctive?"

"If you like."

"Hmm. Natemus?"

"Nice. Pithy. But not quite what the subjunctive is for - you've really said 'Let us swim' rather than 'Can we swim'…" Nico kissed Will on the nose. "But I'll let you off."

"Oh. Good. Why?"

"I'm unpredictable. I'm in love with you." Nico closed his eyes and smirked. "Plus, I'm setting you homework."

"Nico…"

"It's for your own good. Isn't that what teachers say about it?"

"You've not been to a proper school in years," pointed out Will.

"If at all," agreed Nico. "But I've seen TV shows with schools in. That's totally the same."

"What do you want me to do?" sighed Will.

"I'll pick out a bit of the Aeneid to translate." Nico nudged Will. "It'll be fun!"

"Yeah, right," muttered Will. He shook his head, and then jumped to his feet. "Fancy scandalising some of the younger campers?"

Nico opened one eye. "And that coming from a head counsellor…"

"Retired. Unlike you."

Nico stuck his tongue out. "I've not got much choice."

"And you have none in this. Come on."

Before Nico could even say a word (which would have been venio), Will had swung him to his feet and was dragging him down towards the lake. And it turned out to be quite a while before Nico got round to setting Will his homework.

P.S. The pun Augustine used was essentially the one Nico made about death.

Thanks for reading!