When Real Life Meets A Fairy Tale
Or (more accurately): When A Fairy Tale Crash Lands In Real Life's Bathroom In The Middle Of The Night And Has No Clue Why It Is There
Author: lil-miss-chocolate
Rating: NC17
Characters: Kurt/Chris. Yes, really.
Genre: Crack Smut
Warning: Half RPF, half regular fic. Boys getting it on.
Spoilers: Minor one about Ryan's plans for Kurt in S2.
Word Count: 3,000ish
Summary: Fill for Glee Kink Meme prompt: "RPF-ish? Chris/Kurt. Do what you will with it anon."
Because I've seen so many of these prompts on the kink meme, and I got tired of waiting for someone else to write it. It is officially the weirdest thing I have ever written.
Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional. I do not claim to know anything at all about Chris's private life other than what he has stated in interviews. Kurt (much as I might wish otherwise) is the property of Fox.
Chris rolled over in his bed and looked at the glowing red figures of his clock. 11:59. Shit. They've got dance rehearsal at six o'clock tomorrow morning, and he needs to sleep. He'd tried everything; counting sheep, relaxing each muscle one at a time, drinking hot cocoa. As the number flicked to 00:00, he heard a crash from his bathroom and a muffled flump. Simultaneously, a strange blue light flashed around the doorframe. He got up out of bed and picked up the paperweight he kept handy there, slowly approaching the bathroom door.
Chris heard a voice muttering from inside the bathroom. The inflections sounded strangely familiar, but he couldn't identify it. Chris carefully opened the bathroom door to reveal... himself. He did a double-take, making sure that someone hadn't propped a mirror there. The version of himself standing in the bathroom (who appeared to be wearing his costume from three days ago, the grey moustache t-shirt with the striped pants and the long boots) had an annoyed expression on his face as he spoke, "What the hell is going on? Who ar-re..." The not-Chris stuttered to a stop as he took in the face of the crumpled man standing before him.
Chris took advantage of the silence to ask his own question. "Are you... a really obsessive fan or something?"
"What?" the boy in the bathroom asked. "Fan? Of what? Where am I? And who are you? Why do you look just like me?"
"I'm Chris. You just appeared in my bathroom."
"Why?"
"Search me." There was a pause. They looked each other up and down, then Chris spoke again. "Who are you?"
"Kurt. Kurt Hummel."
Chris rolled his eyes and turned back into the bedroom, making his way to his bed, speaking to himself as he did. "That's it! It's official. The pressure's been too much and I've officially cracked. I have actually gone batshit insane."
"What?" Kurt followed him into the dark room. "Why am I in the bathroom of someone called Chris who looks just like me but without my fashion sense?"
Chris laughed humourlessly as he flopped onto his back on the bed. "I don't know. Want to tell me why a fictional character that I play on a TV show has suddenly appeared in my room? Any ideas other than I'm actually going crazy?"
Kurt shrugged and reached over to switch on the bedside light. "You certainly seem crazy to me," he commented drily. "You're telling me you play me on a TV show? What show?"
"A show called Glee. It's about McKinley High's Glee club."
"Riiight. And you play me?"
"I play Kurt Hummel, resident soprano diva and drama queen. A fictional character. I don't know who the hell you are."
"That's me."
"No, it's not. Kurt's not real." Chris said this to reassure himself more than anything else.
"Yes, I am. Look." Kurt walked over and poked Chris hard in the ribs.
"Ow! What the hell was that for?"
"Don't tell me I'm not real! I get enough of people telling me I shouldn't be me during the day without you telling me I don't even exist!"
"Right, fine, sorry," Chris apologised, not very sincerely.
"So… you play me?"
"Yeah."
"Did you audition, or what? Did they advertise the part - 'Anyone want to be Kurt Hummel? The gay teen who's bullied on a daily basis by most people he meets.'"
Chris laughed again, the same bitter not-laugh as before. "Not exactly. I auditioned for Artie. But apparently it's just so obvious that I'm gay that Ryan felt he had to write a whole new part just for me."
"And that was me?"
"That was the role Ryan wrote. He picked the name Kurt because I'd played Kurt in the Sound of Music, and Hummel because I looked like one of those cherub figurines."
Kurt tried to work this out in his head. "Who's Ryan?"
"Creator of the show. Head writer, director. Kind of everything, really."
"And he invented me, based on you?"
"Basically. Even though we're nothing alike."
"I can see that much from your clothes."
"Christ, you are bitchy, aren't you? I mean you've got some funny lines, and the emotional scenes are great to do, but you do dish it out."
"When you've had it as bad as I have, it becomes a reflex."
"I know. I was a male Rachel Berry in high school."
Kurt recoiled slightly.
"You may as well sit down." Chris gestured at the foot of his bed. "I've no idea how long you're gonna be here."
Kurt perched himself daintily on the bedspread before asking a question. "So you're gay as well?"
"Mm-hm." Chris was still lying back on his pillows, still certain that he was hallucinating everything.
"And you're... out?"
"Yeah."
"Do you get any... you know... hassle for it?"
"Not any more, not really. Now that I'm America's little darling baby gay, no-one dares. The Kurtsies would take 'em down."
"Kurtsies?"
"Some of my more obsessive fans. Mainly teenaged fangirls, though there are few over-protective parents as well."
"Oh." Kurt carefully kicked off his boots and swivelled around so he was sitting cross-legged on the bed. "Chris, do you mind if I ask you something... personal?"
Chris's eyebrows raised a fraction of an inch and a wry smile spread across his face. "I'm still not convinced that you aren't a figment of my imagination, so go for it."
"Have you ever... you know?"
"What?"
Kurt blushed as he spoke. "Had sex?"
"Why do you think I'm so popular with mainstream America? I'm the virginal gay boy who doesn't go round having sex with hordes of guys. They can forget the implications of me being gay because I'm not actually having sex with men. Even the homophobes can just look on it as 'Oh, the sweet little boy fancies men. Bless him, he'll grow out of it' and ignore the fact that fancying men means that I actually want to fuck them."
"Oh. How old are you?"
"Twenty."
Kurt raised his eyebrows.
"Scout's honour. I was twenty in May. And I'm the youngest of the twelve. Cory, who's Finn, he's twenty-eight."
"God... How does that even work?"
Chris shrugged.
"So you've never... been with a guy?"
Chris looked over at him. "What's your point?"
"I've never been with a guy, either." Kurt was blushing furiously as he said this, looking at a pillow two feet from Chris's head. "I don't know any other gay guys in Lima. None my age, at least. Rachel's dads don't count."
"And...?"
"I was wondering if you maybe you wanted to..." he trailed off, and looked up at Chris. Chris looked back at him, their identical eyes meeting in the dim light.
"Kurt-"
Kurt started to gabble. "Look, if you're right, and I'm fictional and imaginary, no harm'll be done. It'll just be some random hallucination to you. Even if I'm not, haven't you wanted to know what it's like to be with another person? A guy, I mean, not Brittany. Or whoever plays her. Never mind that. If we do, then it's the safest it could ever be. You know me, and I'm basically you. Physically at least. And if this is a dream on my part, then it's only fair that I get to have sex in my dream because I'm never gonna get any in real life!" Kurt's desperation would have been pitiable if Chris hadn't known exactly how he felt.
Chris was silent for a moment, contemplating, then said, "You get a boyfriend next season."
"What?"
"Next season of the show. You're going to have a boyfriend."
"In that case..." Kurt scrambled for words as he took in the new information. "I want to know what I'm doing. I don't want to be the fumbling virgin any more. And I'm guessing you don't either - you're going to have to do whatever I end up doing with this guy, and it will so much less awkward if it isn't your first time making out, or whatever they have you do."
Chris had sat up by this point.
"And haven't you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex with yourself? Seriously, I've seen serious debates about whether people would or not. I'm here, ready and willing. Please, Chris."
Chris reached forward to gently stroke Kurt's cheek. "But you're so young."
"I'm you. Only with better clothes."
Chris smiled. "You're getting bitchy again."
Kurt's voice was breathy with nerves, and higher than normal. "I know. I do that when I'm nervous."
"I know." Chris moved his hand to under Kurt's chin and leaned closer. "This is so bizarre..."
"I know." Kurt leaned forward and their lips met. Softly, gently. Kurt's hand moved to rest on Chris's chest as they kissed. Chris dragged his tongue lightly across Kurt's parted lips, and Kurt opened his mouth to allow his tongue entry.
Chris's hand edged to the hem of Kurt's t-shirt, but stopped as he came into contact with the warm skin beneath it. He pulled back, and looked into Kurt's eyes. In colour, they were identical, but the expression was unlike any his face had ever worn. "Kurt... there's a problem... if we're so similar... who'll top?"
Kurt's gaze immediately flicked aside and he bowed his head in shyness before he looked up at Chris through his thick lashes. "If... if you don't mind... I'd really like to try... topping..."
A relieved smile spread across Chris's face. "We're not so similar after all, then." He reached over to his bedside cabinet and extracted a bottle of lube. Kurt was sure he saw a dildo in there as well, though Chris shut the door so fast, he might have been mistaken.
Kurt was still for a moment as the thought struck him: this was going to happen. All the nights he'd lain in bed, dreaming about sex with another guy... finally those dreams were about to come true.
Chris's hands flew to Kurt's waist as he leaned over to kiss the side of Kurt's neck. "My scar..." he whispered as he kissed the faded mark on the fashionista's neck, his movements unhurried.
"I got it when Karofsky shoved me into a locker..." Kurt said, his head thrown back to allow Chris access to a certain sensitive spot by his throat.
"Fuck..." Chris murmured as he slipped his hands under the grey cotton of Kurt's shirt and started to gently pull it upwards. "I only had throat surgery..."
"Doesn't matter," Kurt said, his own hands doing the same to Chris's navy tee. For a moment they struggled with each other's shirts, then smiled at each other as they simultaneously let go and pulled off their own shirts instead.
The sight of Chris's naked torso spurred Kurt on. He supposed he should be worried that he was turned on by his own body, but right now, all that mattered was that there was a willing body in his bed. He launched himself at the older boy, pinning him to the bed. Their mouths met again, this time clashing, tongues keenly exploring mouths as Chris's already bed-ruffled hair was mussed even more by Kurt's eager hands.
Chris could feel Kurt's erection growing against his own now that their bodies were pressed so closely together. This was wrong in so many ways, but with a hot mouth glued to his and Kurt's hips writhing against him, he didn't really care.
Kurt's left hand moved to Chris's nipple, and started to pinch it gently. His right hand made its way to Chris's waist, and grasped hold of the top of Chris's grey sweatpants, tugging them down sharply to reveal Chris's erection straining against the black fabric of his boxers.
Kurt sat back on his heels, and a light gleamed in his eyes as he realised he was about to see a real man naked for the first time (he'd been so careful to keep his eyes on the ground in the locker room back at McKinley). His left hand continued to fondle Chris's nipple, in the way that he knew he liked himself.
"Yes... Kurt..." Chris moaned. Kurt's right hand hovered in the air above Chris's cock for a moment, then he placed his hand on the sizable bulge in Chris's boxers. Chris's hips jerked up into the contact. He groaned at the warmth of another person's hand on his cock.
Kurt smiled as he peeled Chris's boxers down his legs, revealing his cock standing proud from his pale, toned body. Kurt took it into his hands, sliding his left up and down the shaft while his right moved down to caress Chris's balls.
Chris's breath was coming in sharp and heavy pants. "God... Kurt... more!"
Kurt obliged, sliding his forefinger behind Chris's balls to find the puckered entrance. He paused. "I don't know what to... I've never..."
Chris flung his arm out blindly to grab the lube from his bedside cabinet. He quickly squeezed out a generous dollop and manoeuvred himself so that he was holding Kurt's right hand in one of his own, guiding it through the lubricant to his hole. Chris slid Kurt's fingertip into him, trying to hold his hips still while Kurt pushed his finger in further and further.
"You've done this before," Kurt said softly, a hint of a question in his voice.
"So many times..." Chris gasped out a word with each breath. "'Nother finger." Kurt added a second finger, using the lube in Chris's hand to make sure it didn't hurt. Chris's other hand was still wrapped around his, guiding him.
Kurt continued his slow strokes of Chris's cock as he moved his fingers inside him. At a gesture from Chris, he added a third finger, stretching Chris out. He spread his fingers wide as he pushed in as far as possible.
"Move fingers... little higher..." Chris seemed incapable of articulating sentences as Kurt nudged further inside him, trying to reach the supine boy's prostate. He knew he was successful when he heard a high-pitched intake of breath. He continued to work his fingers in and out, determined that he was not going to hurt Chris when they finally, finally, got to fucking.
Kurt's own erection had grown too hard to ignore, so he removed his left hand from Chris's cock (ignoring the little whine the action elicited and renewing his efforts with his right hand) and deftly unbuckled his belt. Trying not to let up with his right hand (the noises Chris was making were just too delicious), he shucked his pants and kicked them away. Screw designer labels; he was in alternate universe about to get laid. Given the tightness of the pants, he'd been going commando (because VPL? Ew), so he was now completely naked.
Chris was still writhing on his fingers, muttering things like, "Fuck, yes. More!"
"Are you ready?" Kurt asked, unsure as to what Chris was asking for when he said 'more'.
"Oh god, yes!"
Kurt removed his fingers and looked at Chris, how he was spread out before him. He moved so that he was holding his bodyweight on his forearms, Chris's cock brushing against his stomach. Kurt stroked himself with the remaining lube, and carefully positioned himself between Chris's legs. He pushed in. Just the head, but it was enough to make Chris cry out. In pain or pleasure, Kurt couldn't tell, but Kurt himself was blown away by the feeling. The tight, warm heat enveloping him was like nothing he could have imagined.
"More." Chris uttered the single syllable, his voice thickened by lust and deeper than Kurt had ever heard his voice before.
Kurt pushed further, slowly sliding in, occasionally pausing when he heard a hitch in Chris's breath, then continuing until he was fully sheathed inside his doppelganger. Kurt stilled, feeling himself buried to the hilt and loving every moment of it. The pressure from all sides was just so perfectly right.
Chris's head was thrown back in ecstasy, the feeling of being filled so completely just overwhelmed him. For a moment that seemed to last for an eternity, they were still, revelling in the new-found pleasure of each other's bodies.
Then Chris's hips twitched, and Kurt was reminded of everything else that they could do. He slid himself out slightly, then pushed slowly back in. Kurt repeated the motion, pulling a little further back, and moving a little faster in.
"Faster." One word escaped Chris's lips as he exhaled.
Kurt indulged his request and sped up, starting to really thrust into Chris as the actor came apart beneath him. "Oh, fuck, Kurt. Yes!"
The noises Kurt was making as they fucked were scarcely more articulate. He could feel his orgasm beginning to swell within him, so he took hold of Chris's cock and started to jerk. Chris's moans became yells of pleasure as he came closer and closer to the edge.
Kurt's thrusts became wilder and wilder. He pushed into Chris, ramming himself as far as he could, unable to hold off any longer. He came with a loud cry, filling up Chris's ass with his come.
The warmth spurting into him was enough to finally send Chris into the abyss, the shockwaves shivering over him as he lay, limp and lifeless, on his bed.
Kurt slid out of him and slumped down beside him, resting his head over Chris's still wildly pounding heart and draping his arm over Chris's waist.
Their breathing and heart rates slowly returned to normal, their clarity of mind coming with it.
"This was so fucked up," Chris whispered, half to himself.
"Don't care," Kurt replied. "It was more than I ever dreamed I'd get."
Chris chuckled. "If you had dreamed this, I'd have been worried."
"Who knows. Maybe you're dreaming it," Kurt countered.
"If I am, my subconscious most definitely outdid itself."
"Mm..." Kurt murmured, snuggling closer.
Chris wrapped his arm around Kurt's shoulders and went on, "It even included the cuddling."
The two boys drifted off to sleep, looking for all the world like the most innocent, cherubic, virginal pair of Hummel figurines you ever laid eyes on.
This is the second time I've ended up writing porn at 4am. I'm sure this isn't healthy.