It wasn't cold feet.
She wasn't nervous.
It wasn't because she didn't love him with all her heart.
Guilt?
No, she knew that the delay of the wedding was because she wasn't ready to get married so soon, but now it wasn't like that.
She loved Jesse, so much. Marrying him wasn't the problem. She had known for years that the reason there was always a missing part of their relationship was due to Finn. And she suspected he knew as well. The day she moved in with him was a step she didn't think she could do, but she did, When he asked her to be his girlfriend she was filled with so much joy, she didn't realize her emotions could still conjure any true happiness. In Lima's music store when they visited together just for fun, he knelt down on one knee after three years of dating and proposed. She said yes without a single second thought. She loved Jesse St James, and she had learned to love herself again in the process. Standing in the full length mirror wearing the white wedding dress she had bought for the occasion she didn't feel like herself. Or she did, she wasn't sure. Her head was swirling with different emotions she couldn't take it. With her Dad, Leroy fussing with her hair and Hiram sitting patiently in the back talking loudly with Carole. She had insisted to help, ever since Finn she'd been there as her mother without any problems. Rachel was dizzy, the noise in the room was too loud, he Dad was pulling to tight on her hair. Mercedes, Tina, Kittie and the Unholy Trinity were fixing their makeup and dresses on the other side of the room. It didn't take much more for her to break. She needed to leave.
"Stop!" She turned harshly, disrupting everyone. Instantly they all rushed over, bombarding her with questions and concerns.
"Rachel? Honey? What's wrong?"
"Sit down. It'll help."
"Are you okay?"
"I'll get a glass of water, you look hot in the face."
"What I need, is time alone." She sighed, running her hand through her beautifully curled hair. Rachel started to walk towards the door in her thick white dress weighing her steps down. Her eyesight suddenly blurred, and her head felt heavy, but before making it to the door she collapsed, no longer seeing anything but black. Before falling unconscious she heard the shrieks of her loved ones, and the worries in each one of their voices. Rest, she needed rest.
"I'm proud of you." The small voice behind her spoke. "Of the person you've become."
It shocked her. Rachel stood with her head aching and tried to focus on the girl standing by the mirror. Rachel was standing in the same room she was before. The white walls, and white oak furniture. Everything was the same, excluding the mess everyone had made getting dressed. It was quiet, no one was there. The thought drove her focus back to the girl. The girl smiled back at her.
"Why are you here?" Rachel asked.
"It doesn't matter why." The sixteen year old Rachel, wearing a reindeer sweater and knee high socks and a mini skirt, slowly walked forward. "You are so strong."
"Am I dead-d?" Rachel shrieked. She wasn't ready to die.
"Don't be stupid Rachel, you aren't dead. You're unconscious." She answered.
"Why am I here?"
"It's your wedding day. I bet this wasn't how you thought you'd be married?" She started, the younger Rachel sat and gestured for her to follow, "You imagined walking down the aisle to see Finn standing there with that crooked grin we both love. And signing your name as Rachel Hudson."
"Stop." The girl was re-opening wounds she had tried to forget about. Tears started streaming down Rachels face, leaving water stains on her wedding dress.
"You need to hear it, or you'll be walking into a marriage you aren't ready for." She explained.
"I love Jesse, truly." She justified.
"I don't doubt that, Jesse always made you feel loved, even through his horrible ego." She chuckled, the conversation was bringing her down as well. "You miss Finn."
"Of course I miss Finn, more than anything."
"He was imperfect, but perfect for you. He made you feel loved, and beautiful. You thought he was your one true love." The girl wiped away a tear. "But you moved on, and you're happy again. Jesse treats you like you're the only girl in the world, flowers everyday, notes on your work lunch. It heals that hole in your heart Finn left.
"How dare you-"
"Rachel you love both of them, that guilt inside you for moving on with your life is eating you from the inside. You need to let it go."
"I can't." Rachel broke into sobs, "He's in every thought, every day."
"You can, Rachel he's happy now, seeing you live your life. It's all he ever wanted."
"I delayed the wedding a year ago, because the truth is, as much as I love Jesse-" A sob interrupted her, "The truth is that I still love Finn and I was supposed to marry him, years ago." Her sobs turned to thick heavy tears.
"It's okay-" The younger girl tried her best to comfort her but Rachel wouldn't take it.
"No! How dare you tell me you're proud of who I've become. And then bring back all these feeling and memories!" Rachel yelled, standing and rushing to the other side. She grabbed a marble vase full of pale pink roses and threw it at the wall. Tears still falling.
"That's the point Rachel, you need this."
"I don't need this, I don't need you and I most definitely don't need this wedding!" She screamed so loud, the younger Rachel thought the glass window would shatter. Rachel ripped off the sleeve of her Vera Wang dress. And pulled her curled hair out of the pins her dads had helped put into place.
"Just stop! Okay? You aren't thinking clearly!"
"I want Finn, I want to marry him, not Jesse!" She continued her yells before her voice went hoarse. "There, is that what you wanted to hear? I w-a-n-t FINN!"
"And how are you going to get him? Finn was your past, Jesse is your future." She explained, keeping her calm. Rachel slid down the wall and sat against it, her tears slowly coming to an end. The younger girl followed suit. "You knew that years ago, that's why you allowed yourself to get in the situation you're in now. A wedding? Don't you remember how happy you had been that day? It's the guilt now. You were meant to do this with Finn but you never had the chance to get that far."
"Do you think I'll ever forgive myself?"
"I think you already have."
Her words brought comfort to her. Maybe she was right, it was guilt all along. And she knew that she would be able to walk down the aisle. To see Jesse waiting with his common smirk and brown eyes checking every inch of her dress. She smiled. She wanted that, it sounded perfect. "I still love Finn."
"I know you do, everyone knows." The younger girl stood up and pulled up Rachel from the ground. She looked like a mess, mascara stained her cheeks, a ripped dress and tear stains on her gown. Her hair stood in different places and it was tangled at the back. "You need to go Rachel, get married."
"But look at me." She complained.
"Don't worry about it." The girl smiled genuinely at her. Rachel felt her headache start to fade, familiar voices getting louder every second that past.
"Who are you?" She managed to say before her scenery started to change, the girl still stood still as everything else came out of focus.
"I am you." She said, "I will always just be Rachel Berry no matter how much you want to change it." the girl smiled one last time before everything went back to how she left it. Rachel sat up, Carole, her two dads and her friends all surrounding her.
"Honey! Thank god you're okay!" Leroy hugged her tightly.
"I'm fine." She smiled, feeling so much better. "I just needed a reminder."
"You still want to do this?" Carole spoke up. Rachel smiled kindly at her.
"Yes." Rachel stood, she looked at her reflection and smiled again. "I look perfect, thank you." She turned towards the people surrounding her, "Thank you everyone."
Rachel stared at herself. Her hair was exactly like it was before. Her dress not torn or stained and makeup unsmudged. Today was the gateway to her future.
She was Rachel Berry, she could do anything.
No more Guilt.
AN: First things first, thank you for reading my story, I know the summary wasn't as good as it could have been, but I really appreciate people who come across my stories and even if they don't like them, they give them a chance:)
This was my first Glee fanfiction, and I do hope to do more in the near future. All my other stories are paused at the moment, (I get writers block really easily) but I have endless one-shot ideas for Glee and most of them I've written, I just need the motivation to upload.
Anyway, please review, I'm desperate for feedback, I really think my writing needs to get better, (As a year 9 in Australia, English isn't prioritized.) and I really want to hear about what you thought of this story.
I am a complete Finchel shipper, more than you know. But I've always loved St Berry, even during season 1. Jesse was bearable and considering I didn't start watching until the complete series was finished I knew due to circumstances, that Finchel wasn't going to last the show :(. When my sister spoiled the ending I was thrilled that Rachel at least got her happy ever after with someone important from the start.
Thanks again, please, please, please review, it would mean the world to me! Xx