The Dark Hours Of My Being
Chapter One: There I Can Find
Gaius felt the pain in his heart before he actually heard anything. The sound could have been anything, a mouse, a gust of wind. He ignored the noise and the rising pain in his heart. He had thought nothing of it at first; he had become so used to it.
In the jagged days following the news of Arthur's death, Gaius had become far too familiar with the pain in his heart, a pain deeper than anything he had felt in all his many years. But it was an agony of his spirit only. His own heart, useless steady thing that it was, beat stalwartly in his chest, despite all that had happened, even now. Gaius had grown used to the pain that flooded from the place in his heart where he had kept the treasure that had been Merlin.
His son. Here, alone in his heart, he could be truthful. Gaius no longer knew who his beloved boy might be if he ever returned. He knew that Arthur's death had struck Merlin as a mortal blow, a fatal wound from which he could not die. Magic trembled with it. Even he could feel the uncertain pulse of power that rippled through the forces of magic themselves. And now Samhain was near.
The old man could only guess that Merlin was still alive. He took the pain as a sign and welcomed it, holding it close. It was all that remained of the boy he had loved and nurtured and for whom he would have gladly given his life. Merlin. His son.
He was struggling with the tears, when he felt the wind stir in his chamber. There was the scent of forest, and then the smell of smoke and then he heard the sound of breathing. As his trembling fingers struggled, fumblimg with the candle, he heard the soft, familiar voice breathe the word, 'Leoht' and Merlin was there.
He was stumbling, sinking to his knees, even as Gaius reached him. He enveloped the boy in a hug, but he only sagged against Gaius, as if overcome with weakness. In the brilliant light of the hand fire, Merlin looked drained of all color. He was pale and pitifully thin, the angles of his face more pronounced. Dark circles smudged his expression.
But his eyes. Gaius' heart sank as he looked into the eyes of his boy. Merlin was beyond grief. Sorrow had pierced him so deeply that his soul's mutilation was clear for all to see. In their depths, his eyes were still uncomprehending, horrified. His lips were parched and dry, his hands skeletal as they grasped at the old physician. Merlin didn't recognize him. The shock of that realization ripped through Gaius like a knife. Merlin didn't know who he was.
Something essential was gone; the boy he had known had vanished. In his place was this panting half-mad creature, his eyes deep with terror and guilt. Using Gaius as a support, he struggled to his feet. He looked shocked. He looked about as if his surroundings made no sense.
"Where am I ," he whispered to himself. "The vaults. I missed the vaults..." He was shaking; his grip suddenly tightened on the physician's arm. Fear flowed through his touch. "Samhain. It's almost here..." He looked directly at Gaius in complete desperation. He paused for a heartbeat. Then another moment passed.
"Gaius?" His voice was suddenly puzzled and infinitely young. He looked around in complete confusion, as if only slowly, could he recognize where he was.. He tried to take a step toward the door, but he stumbled and fell. He heaved on his hands and knees, a strangled sob tearing from his throat. His shoulders writhed as if his agony could not be endured. He fought his way to his feet again and he turned to look at Gaius once more. Tears ran from his bloodshot eyes, as he gazed at his mentor. His strength gave out again. He collapsed, shuddering, into Gaius' arms.
"Merlin, I'm here. Relax. Let me help you. Merlin... ", Gaius murmured as he sought to calm the boy's struggle to get up once more.
"Help me Gaius!" Merlin struggled against the old man . Gaius was guiding him towards a cot, but Merlin continued to resist , shoving and pushing weakly with his fading strength, even though he could hardly move without help.
"Time's running out. Help me, please!" His fervent pleading hit his mentor like a blow.
He was holding on the Gaius now with a intense grip, almost as if he was calling on the old physician's magic to steady himself.
"It's Arthur, " he whispered.
Gaius could not bring himself to say anything. They both knew Arthur was dead. Merlin knew the truth. The madness in his eyes told Gaius, he knew the truth. The truth was killing him.
" I can find him! " His voice caught as he forced it out. "I can find Arthur," he repeated, looking up wildly into Gaius' face. For a moment, the old man glimpsed Merlin's familiar determination, but it crumbled, into a sob of pain, as he gasped for air.
"Arthur!" He sounded shocked, as if he had just been stabbed. "He's dead, Gaius. I...I couldn't..." He heaved once more, as if the pain in his heart convulsed him.
"Help me," he whispered again, as his eyes rolled back in his head and Gaius supported him to a resting position on the bed. He fell limply from Gaius' careful embrace. His heart beat fluttered beneath the old man's searching fingers. To the eyes of the physician, he was emaciated, dehydrated and desperately in need of care. But Gaius' heart, his stalwart, faithful heart rejoiced. He recognized the perilous state of Merlin's return. His boy had returned against all odds and he sensed he would soon be gone again. He was mad with grief but Gaius would not lose hope. Merlin was alive.