~To see you when I wake up~
Tobias walked around as a human for a little while, trying to think. Of course, all of his thoughts were blocked out by images of Rachel, the only person who had ever loved him in his life. Oh, sure, his parents must have loved him… yet his father was dead and his mother… well… she just wasn't there for him.
~is a gift I didn't think could be real.~
He picked up a picture of her he'd thrown on the ground. Yeah, Tobias had been there the day they buried her and her mother had seen him flying around in the sky a few days later. She'd given him the picture to remember her, even though her image was already imprinted in his mind. And yeah, even though he was a red-tailed hawk, he would remember her forever.
~To know that you feel the same as I do~
She had told him that she loved him –even when she died 'right in front of him'. Actually, he saw it through the screen. He wasn't there for her like he should have been, like Jake should have let him be. Maybe, maybe, if he were there she wouldn't have died and maybe if he was there he might have died with her. That would have been better than seeing her die on a screen and not being there for her…
~is a three-fold, utopian dream~
And now…
She was gone, dead, and never would be seen again.
Tobias was crying again. If he were a hawk, he wouldn't cry. He wouldn't need to cry because if he would just be a hawk forever, he wouldn't have to deal with crying. He wouldn't have to deal with the fact that he had wanted to be fully human. Wanted was the key word there. Tobias could deal without that now because if he were human, he wouldn't have anyone. Sure, Cassie would say that he'd find someone eventually, and he probably would… Yet that person would be nothing like Rachel. That person wouldn't have had the chance to have the weight of the world on their shoulders, or their back.
~You do something to me that I can't explain~
Rachel had her own personal spotlight shining on her, 365/24/7. She had a way about her that no one else did.
Tobias looked at one of her favorite books that her mother had found and given to Tobias. It was written by K.A. Applegate, called Everworld: Search for Senna. And so forth –through the whole series. Tobias had taken them to see what she was into… to look further into Rachel. Which, by the way, was a pretty hard thing to do. Sure, she was beautiful and sweet but she was her way in herself. There was no other way Rachel could be besides herself.
In a way, she reminded him of April, or Senna. April in the way that she was talented and caring… Senna in the way that she was haunting, daring, and beautiful. It wasn't like she could 'bewitch' any guy that she touched, no, that wasn't it. She was just beautiful. Almost like a model. Just like a model.
~So would I be out of line if I said,~
Yes, Tobias was hawk, in a way, and didn't need to be human. He didn't need to think all these thoughts, to daydream so much. But he did, also, in a way. Because yeah, he was part human as well.
He missed the others, Cassie, Jake, Marco, and Ax but he only thought about them once-in-a-while. No, he thought about Rachel 24/7. They weren't enticing like Rachel had been, they weren't like Rachel. No one could ever be like Rachel.
And he was repeating all his thoughts over and over and over again. Replaying Rachel's death, replaying himself, crying, and his thoughts from that time. How he'd wanted to be there, holding her, whispering to her everything would be fine, that everything would be all right… even if it couldn't be.
~I miss you. (?)~
Yeah, that was it, he missed her. He loved her.
Rachel, the only girl he'd ever loved. The only girl who'd ever loved him.
Sure, Cassie probably loved him, but not in that way. Probably just as a friend… And Marco too. Not like that, of course. He could never be anyone else's boyfriend… if you wanted to call Tobias Rachel's boyfriend.
Ax? Oh Ax was his uncle, believe it or not. So he could only love him as a nephew. Family, one of the things Tobias had wanted most in life besides Rachel.
And he'd gotten Rachel, he'd gotten Ax. A girlfriend and family.
He'd gotten it, and then it'd disappeared.
Ax left after their fight, after Rachel's death. Yes, Rachel, dead.
It was hard to say or think her name and not have her there, just like his father, Elfangor. Names were just empty, open spaces if there was no one there to fill it up.
~I see your picture, I smell your skin on the empty pillow next to mine.~
He was sure he could have asked her the simple words every girl wanted to hear. Yes, sure until the last second when he saw her die.
Tobias looked at his tree. Oh how he wanted to become a hawk… Oh how he wanted to be himself, a boy. Someone without problems, without fears.
What would happen if Tobias went into public? Would people make him out to be like Marco, like Jake, like Cassie? What role would he have… had the others shown people his picture?
Or had his crazy, drunk, drugged 'uncle' shown the public that his nephew was Tobias, the Forgotten Animorph? Probably he had, just to get money, to get Tobias' awards and money for saving the Earth.
What about everyone who knew him?
There were so many questions he wanted to ask but he didn't want to know the answers to any of them for fear… Fear of what? Fear of… rejection? That same feeling he'd felt when he told Rachel he'd loved her?
The fear of being human.
~You have only been gone ten days, but already I'm wasting away.~
Unfortunately, as a human he could kill himself, hurt himself, and if he morphed back into a hawk, there'd be no scars. Well… if he was dead, he was dead, and he couldn't morph back. That's for sure…
Two hour limit. That damned 2-hour limit. And it was almost up. Tobias needed a decision, and a fast one at that.
To stay a human or to stay a hawk, that is thy question. To be or not to be, that is thy question…
~I know I'll see you again~
He'd see her again if he stayed human and committed suicide, probably. But committing suicide wouldn't get him anywhere, probably. It's like that movie… he couldn't remember what it was. Robin Williams was in it though… His wife died and he committed suicide but he went to hell for that and he had to make it to heaven…
Tobias looked at Rachel's picture again. She was standing on the balance beam, doing what she did best. Gymnastics. Maybe Tobias hadn't been her best 'feature'… Maybe he was one of the worst. Maybe he was a failure.
~whether far or soon~
No, Tobias couldn't be a failure… The only failure he was, was to Rachel. He a failure to Rachel because he'd let her die… he'd failed with that.
She was gone from his life forever, he never knew if he'd see her again.
And Ax? Well, he never knew if he'd see him again either.
Two minutes left…
~But I need you to know that I care~
He'd cared about Rachel since he met her, since he saw her. He'd cared about her, yet on the other hand he'd let her slip away into the nothing. Tobias missed her so much.
And yet…
He looked up at the starry sky.
* "See those stars right there?" Tobias nodded. "That's me, Tobias, don't forget that. And I'm always there for you…" *
Yes, Rachel had seen him in his dreams. She had said those exact words about those exact stars… The ones right near the North Star. No, not the Little Dipper, but the stars around it.
~And I miss you~
There was no time left. Tobias concentrated hard, just enough so that in the very last seconds of his two hours, he became that red-tailed hawk. He'd made his mind… Rachel was there for him forever, whether in the flesh or just in his heart.
* "Tobias?" He glanced up at her. "I love you…" *
However, I do own the plot
Please, R&R, just no flames. If you wanna flame, make it complicated so I'll understand it. Thanks
(Sierra)