3-16-13

Cry With You

A/N- Finally got around to writing a songfic! So I wrote this around the song by Hunter Hayes (can't post the lyrics here, so just give the song a listen!) This is of the "But One Side" series, and is post-"Damaged at Best."

Arthur's first person present tense POV. Please share reactions with the author! ;D It's what she lives for! lol

I'm not sure that he's even noticed he does it. It's a subtle change when we've been talking for more than an hour in front of the fire. But I know when he's making the effort not to meet my eyes.

We were discussing Camelot's law against magic before this silence fell. Merlin doesn't waste words when we talk like this, but he's especially reticent when sorcery is brought up. I last mentioned how close I had come to lifting the ban, when Mordred had been injured by the Disir. Merlin didn't respond to my remark.

I don't know what it is he's holding back. But he seems to think that, by doing so, he protects me from the knowledge that the subject still hurts him somehow. All his silence does, however, is make me worry for him.

I don't want to open his old wounds, but I promised him as well as myself that I'd help him heal those wounds. I know him better than anyone, and I think the best way to help him might be to open the old wound, and therefore close it properly. He'll fight me before he lets this happen, but I know he'll come to accept my help.

And he's well worth the fight.

I push myself up off the couch to settle back down in a more comfortable position- and immediately feel Merlin clinging to my arm.

"Please don't leave yet," he urges.

I lay my hand atop his. "I won't," I assure him, and he relaxes once more against the couch cushion. I had no intention of leaving him, though it pains me to see him so dispirited and quiet. "…You told me… that magic had no place, Merlin," I say at last, and look over at him though his eyes study the rug absently. "Your advice, your counsel had more influence on me than anyone's, Merlin," I continue. "Why did you choose to tell me that?"

Merlin seems to weigh whether he can get out of answering. Finally, drawing his hand away, he takes a drink of cool tea from his mug on the table and then sits back. "I made a foolish mistake," he answers, still without looking at me.

"Tell me," I ask of him gently.

He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter now."

"No," I agree, "I know it can't change what happened. But if you want to tell me, Merlin- I do want to hear it."

He sighs, but sets his mug back on the table and looks at me at last. "I thought that… if you chose to continue outlawing magic, then Mordred would die… and you'd be safe." He sniffs hard- his only outward sign of emotion. "It didn't occur to me that Mordred's life would be your punishment… That the Disir would keep him alive so that he could kill you."

"But- Merlin, you had waited years for such an opportunity." I know I shouldn't reprimand him, but I really can't understand his decision. "If you'd said differently, I'd have lifted the ban that day, and you'd have been safe- you could have told me the truth, and-"

"And that would have felt like a trick, Arthur," Merlin cuts me off. "Though if Mordred hadn't been involved, honestly… I would have encouraged you to allow it. But I couldn't risk that. I thought my choice would put you out of danger- I thought I could defy the prophecy and I still didn't manage to save you."

I begin to reply, but I think more carefully over my words before doing so. "I suppose… that's true insofar as you didn't accomplish what you intended to. But you did everything you could to save my life, Merlin- everything, and a lot more than most would have."

Merlin bites his lip. "…Then why did I fail?"

"We're here now, aren't we?" I remind him.

He's turned away from me again. I only know he's crying by the irregular rising and falling of his chest. It kills me to watch- aware now of every fruitless effort he made to prevent a fate that all along he was powerless against. To fail by making an unthinkable sacrifice, and bear the burden of such a mistake for centuries- what does that pain even feel like?

I slide closer to Merlin, wrapping my arms around him from behind and resting my head upon his shoulder. "I'm sorry," I tell him, lacking the inspiration to say something more helpful.

It does help, though, for rather than continuing to restrain his tears, Merlin lets himself cry, as he's needed to. When he pauses, it's not because he's run out of tears, but because he's noticed that I'm crying too. He turns to look at me through watering eyes, and I pull my head back to focus on him.

"What's wrong?" he asks me, concern in his hoarse voice as he touches my shoulder.

I just shake my head. "Don't you know it hurts me to see you upset?"

He searches my eyes, and finding that I mean what I say, he lets a strained smile come upon his face. After I pull him back to me, we don't speak anymore. We sit in silence, because further words aren't needed- I think he finally believes what I've wanted him to know since I came back.

There's a peace that he seems to find with the knowledge, one that I feel with him.