Do you ever wonder where that time goes? That great expanse of time that you just can't remember living through? Maybe its because your mind wanders, you lose focus, lose all track of time. Maybe its not. What if this is the time when you are actually most focused. Maybe you just don't want to remember what you lose yourself in. Is it possible that the things you forget are the most important thoughts you will have. Or am I just tired and half asleep? It wouldn't surprise me.
The problem is, I've started to realise what it is that distracts me so much. Its her. And now I cant stop thinking about her. Its getting worse because every time I see her I can't do anything but watch her.
I see the way she twirls her hair absentmindedly in potions on Tuesday mornings. I see the way she chews her pen while considering her words. I see the sadness and joy mix in her eyes as she talks to ex. I see how she still loves him, how it hurts her to see him with those other girls. I see the smiles she flashes me briefly in arithmancy. I see how she lies to those she calls friends when she tells them she's ok. I see the scars that mark her arms and legs. I see her pain. I see her.
And slowly but surely she's starting to see me too.
It surprised me at first; that first real conversation. I suppose that's what surprised me, I saw how real she actually was. She was so very open and I could tell that it was the truth because I had experienced so much of what she told me. The realness started to scare me then because I realised how quickly I had dismissed her as one of 'them' and it was all quite a shock.
And then there was the attraction. I don't think anyone could call her ugly, certainly not those who are sane. I supposed I'd always thought of her as pretty but now I see her as she is: amazing, stunning, beautiful. Then again, how could she not be, caramel skin and dark hair, perfect figure (at least in my well observed opinion) so carefully sculpted by years of quidditch and so expressive with a wonderful smile that just lights up a room. Some of the things that I really love about her are the things that you only see by careful study: the way her brow scrunches up so cutely when she gets confused, the way her hand hovers around her left ear as she concentrates and her innocent look she gives me to make me smile when I'm sad.
She had no reason to notice me. In truth I am a nobody at school. No-one sees the true me and so they choose to look no further than superficial characteristics that make me easy to dismiss. I'm a sidekick to them, hidden behind my popular and interesting friends. I think she sees past that though because she doesn't dismiss me like they do. It is because of this that I show her more of myself than even my close friends will ever see. And she has opened up to me aswell. I've learnt a lot about her in the past few months and it surprises me to see the similarities between our situations. She says I've helped her and I think that I have. I've found her crying or upset many times and sitting there with her, comforting her and waiting for her to calm down I started to feel even closer to her.
The thoughts of her consume me now because the more I get to know her, the more I am starting to fall in love. I don't think I could tell my friends about it; even if they accepted me, they would never accept her: they don't see through her tough exterior. They only know her through the rumours and the gossip. They don't know her like I do.
I know that she still loves him: you can see it when they're together. I know that she gave a great part of herself to him and it makes her unwilling to let go. They trusted each other with things that no-one else knew about them and they knew who the other was. With him she could be herself. She felt protected and it helped him to know he could help some-one so close to him. he was so sick of hiding behind the strength that people expected of him and being a soldier in the war. They broke up so majorly that everyone expected fallout but they somehow remained friends. In truth they are closer than that. I know they still sleep together sometimes, when they are lonely or upset they seek comfort in each other but he has so many others aswell. I wish he would give her back her heart. She might stop hurting herself then. Im doing my best to be there for her.