This fic is *really* *really* *really* OOC. *I* think. ^_^;; But funny! ^_^ Special thanks to Nettie-chan, my "twisted sistah". Love ya!!! In a sistah-ly way of course. ^_- You're a great sis, and you sure as *hell* know how to crack me up. Umm...And of course, this fic's for all my great buds, school, outside school, online, whatever. Especially the above mentioned. And Ray-chan for all the great lemony goodness she sends me, Pink-chan (or Starry-chan, or Bettie Page...whatever you choose to go by today ^_^), BANE Huntress (RAND IS *MINE*!), and Lynn-chan for all her beta-reading and complete (and blunt) honesty when my writing sucks. There's too many peeps to mention, so if I didn't say your name, I still love you (in a friendly way!) ON WITH THE GODDAMN FIC ALREADY! **Bows** |
Schuldig stepped into Crawford's line of sight, wearing a creme-colored Armani suit identical to the one worn by the American. "Your clothes are tight, Babe," he complained, stiffly moving his arms as if to prove his point. For Crawford, that was the last straw. He slammed his coffee mug on the table and threw the newspaper aside. The thin papers fluttered as they fell, like a bird with broken wings. Or Schuldig with every single one of his bones shattered.... now *that* gave Crawford some great ideas... Schuldig only grinned as Crawford stood. "Hello, twin," he laughed. Crawford growled angrily at that and stepped up to the German, getting right in his face. "You *fucker*!" he screamed. "I don't go in your things, I don't invade your privacy, and I expect the goddamn *same* from *you*!" Schuldig yawned, making a big show of it, and then he commented, "Es ist mir schnuppe(1) ..." and sipped from his steaming coffee mug. Crawford's eyebrows lowered and he came even closer, namely only about two inches away from the redhead. "Damnit! *WHY* do you *DO* this to me, you SON of a BITCH?!" Schuldig grinned, seeing a perfect opportunity to top off his performance. He leaned in, closing the two-inch gap between them - and quickly kissed Crawford's lips. Schuldig backed out of his range before the American had a chance to do something drastic to him, like bite his cute lil' face off. Nagi walked into the kitchen and watched the argument, still half-sleeping. He stepped toward Schuldig and pushed him up against a wall. "You-" Nagi tapped Crawford on the shoulder. "He's not worth it." Crawford glanced at the younger boy and released Schuldig. "You're right, Nagi." Schuldig gave the older man a peck on the cheek, and with a triumphant grin, walked out of the kitchen. He laughed on his way out. "What an exit," he congratulated himself. He ascended the spiral staircase and walked into Crawford's room, unbuttoning the skintight blazer and throwing it on the bed, not bothering to hang it back in Crawford's bedroom-sized walk-in closet full to capacity with nothing but spotless, immaculate Armani suits - he owned at least ten of each of the same suit, with the colors and patterns ranging from boring gray pinstripes to sexy black to the usual creme to dull dove gray. The tie rack hanging from the back of the door held over two hundred ties. Bo~ring. Schuldig slid out of the rest of the suit and walked down the carpeted hall in nothing but his boxers. Farfello appeared in the hall. "Your Pokémon boxers hurt God," he calmly informed Schuldig with a wily grin. "PikaSchu! PikaSchu!" he chirped at the redhead. Schuldig swatted at Farfello as if he were no more than a pesky housefly, walking past the psychopath. The redhead entered his own room, and quickly dressed in his own khakis, white dress shirt, and hunter-green double-breasted blazer and wandered downstairs once again. The scent of Crawford's Armani cologne still lingered. Schuldig grinned, knowing it would anger Crawford even more. The redhead wandered into the kitchen to find Nagi eating breakfast. The telekinetic boy floated some scrambled eggs onto his plate and Crawford ignored him. "Make me some coffee, bitch," he ordered Schuldig. Schuldig grinned. "If I'm your bitch does that mean you'll fu-" "No, goddamn you," Crawford replied calmly. "You're not *my* bitch. You're just a bitch." "Very well, sexy." Schuldig winked emphatically at Crawford as he glanced up from his newspaper and walked to the coffeemaker. "Are you and Schuldig in love?" Nagi inquired innocently of his American boss. "It's so sweet! Really," He offered sincerely. "No, Nagi, we're not in love. Schuldig just thinks he's a seductress, that's all." "Well, I think you two would make a kawaii couple," the younger boy informed Crawford. "You sure do *fight* like one." "I really hate to burst your bubble, Nagi-kun, but I don't go for cheap sluts like Schuldig. I like *respectable* women." Nagi's already too-large eyes widened. "Schuldig's a *woman*?! I didn't know that!!!!! Did he have a sex change operation before he joined Schwarz or something?" He was intrigued with his teammate's illustrious past. "Was Schuldig a *prostitute* when he was a woman?!" Crawford sighed in exasperation. "He still *is* a prostitute. Just-- never mind, Nagi. Never mind." The American turned around in his chair to see what was taking Schuldig so long. Both Nagi's and Crawford's eyes popped out of their heads. "Sch-Schuldig?! Why are you wearing..." Crawford gulped. "Why are you wearing a pink lacy apron?" Nagi cracked up. "I can see your ass!!!" he shrieked, and fell out of his chair laughing. Schuldig turned around with an appreciative grin to the younger boy for noticing his nice firm ass. "Wh-where are your c-clothes, Schuldig...?" The redhead pointed at the floor and then turned his back - and backside - to Crawford once again. He stuck out his sexy posterior end emphatically. "I'm just struttin' my stuff for you, Bradley." He reached behind him. "Would you rather I didn't *wear* an apron, sexy?" He swiftly undid the pretty pink bow and it fell to the floor. He turned around and slowly walked over to Crawford, stark naked. The American turned away from Schuldig. "Please get dressed, Schuldig." He cleared his throat. "You mustn't corrupt Nagi. He's young." Nagi had just gotten up off the floor. He plopped down in his chair, exhausted from his laughing fit, and looked at Schuldig to see what he had done to piss Crawford off now. His eyes boggled out of his head once again and he threw his slender, bony fingers over his eyes. "OH, MY VIRGIN EYES!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" he shrieked, shaking. Crawford stood and placed a protective arm around Nagi's shoulders, which were quivering violently. "It's OK, Nagi....just get up and go upstairs..." Crawford guided Nagi to the doorway of the kitchen. Once the young telekinetic escaped the kitchen, he fled upstairs to the safety of his room, screaming the whole way, forever scarred by what he had seen. Crawford turned around, about ready to just completely flip his lid and kill Schuldig. Who cared if he was useful? He was enough to piss off the pope (2). Well, at least Schuldig had at least put his boxers back on. Farfello strolled casually into the kitchen, carrying a bloody meat cleaver and grinning, his blood pouring down his face and from his arm. "PikaSchu! PikaSchu!" he chirped happily. "Aw, fuck you, Farf," PikaSchu answered. "You're just jealous 'cause I'm sexy and you're not." He pouted. "That hurts God!" he shrieked, and licked his meat cleaver again. "So does *this*!" Farfello dropped his own pants to reveal *gulp* his own satiny Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon thong. "You do know those are *GIRL* panties don't you?" PikaSchu asked with an interested glance or two (or ten *_*) at the psychopath's crotch. "Yup!" The one eyed psycho giggled giddily. "Farfello, please pull your pants up. We don't need male-stripper psychos running around corrupting Nagi," he scolded. Farfie pulled up his pants again. "Schuldig, *please* put on your pants. Then you can go help Farfello find my handgun. It'll be fun, come on!" he pleaded. "Ich finde das gar nicht lustig (3)," he argued. "I would rather stay here with you!" He raised one eyebrow and thought for a second. "If I help Farfie-chan find your gun, will you let me--" "No, Schuldig, you may *not* handcuff me to the bed and tear my clothes off and violently rape me. Schuldig's eyebrows lowered over his eyes and he sexily grinned while chewing on his lower lip. "Who says it's rape if you *enjoy* it, Bradley?" he whispered, seductively running his tongue over his lips. I'm not into bondage, and I'm most *definitely* not into *you*." "Oh, Brad..." PikaSchu sighed. "You need to loosen up and have some *fun* for once." "That is *not* fun. *That* is *torture*." Farfello's eyes - eye - lit up. "Will it hurt God? If it hurts God you can handcuff me and--" "GO FIND MY GUN! NOW! IF YOU DON'T I'LL FIND IT MYSELF AND SHOOT YOU BOTH IN THE BALLS!" Farfie-chan and PikaSchu chibified and fled from the kitchen, giggling and making plans for that night. "Finally, some peace and quiet," Crawford sighed. Right as he spoke, he heard something remotely resembling a very quiet gunshot followed by Farfello's maniacal laughter. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO NOW?!?!?!?!" he screamed as he strode hurriedly from the kitchen to the stairs. He saw Nagi standing outside Schuldig's bedroom, grinning. "KINKY!" shrieked Nagi. A *corrupted* Nagi. Crawford glanced into the room. Anything that made little Nagi scream 'kinky' had to be baaaaad news. He was right. Schuldig stood over the bed, wielding a leather whip in his right hand, his right knee grinding into Farfello's bare back. He wore a vinyl Dr. Frank N. Furter getup complete with fishnet stockings(4). When he saw Crawford he began singing off-key. "I'm just a sweet transvestite.....from transexual Transylvanniiaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!" He cracked the whip against his own fishnet-clad thigh and then whipped Farfello again. The psychopath writhed under the weight of Schuldig's knee on his back and the blows from the whip. Schuldig crossed the room, managing himself quite well while wearing five-inch heels. He stood two inches away from Crawford. "C'mon, Brad! Let's do the TIME WARP!" "I don't like Rocky Horror Picture Show, you...you transvestite," he answered weakly. "Just a jump to the left.......and then a step to the right....put your hands on your hips......and pull your knees in ti~ight!" Schuldig danced awkwardly while singing the Time Warp, completely off key. Standing directly in front of a *very* pissed off Crawford, he continued. "But it's the pelvic thrust-" he began doing the pelvic thrust. Right into Crawford. Intentionally. "-That will drive you insayayayayayane!!" Crawford was *not* amused, needless to say. Nagi joined in, dancing and singing. Farfie crawled up off the bed, clad in nothing but his skimpy satiny thong and a few welts from the leather whip, and joined the other two. "DAMNIT! STOP DOING THAT!!!!" Crawford screamed. Nagi turned big tear-filled chibi eyes on the American. "Please, oh *please* come join us, Crawford," he pleaded, chibifying. He tugged on Crawford's pantleg like an impatient two-year-old. "It'll be *fun*!!!" He slapped Nagi. And then he threw Farfello and Nagi out the door and slammed it. "KINKY!!!" Schuldig giggled. "We're all alone!" "Oh, shut up." Crawford advanced toward the transexual transvestite and ripped the whip from his hand. "It's time to teach you some manners!" Schuldig's eyes widened and his crooked grin spontaneously emerged. "You mean you're going to punish me?!" "Yes, Schuldig, I'm going to...." he brandished the whip and then cracked it on his own muscular thigh. "...punish you." *~*~*~* Nagi and Psycho Boy huddled outside the door. Farfie giggled every time he heard the whip crack. "What do you think they're doing?" Nagi inquired. "OH BRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!!!" Schuldig's voice moaned. "Does that answer your question?" *~*~*~OWARI~*~*~* Or....IS IT?! GIVE ME COMMENTS/CRITICISM *I don't actually know if he wears anything Armani but it sounds sexy! **Craw-fishy just sounds like a Wall Street Journal kind of guy! (1)Es ist mir schnuppe. - I don't give a damn. (2)My mom always says that my friends and I were enough to piss off the pope, so here's lookin at you, Ma! ^_^ Even though I know you'd kill me if you read this fic ^^;;;; (3)Ich finde das gar nicht lustig.- I don't see the fun of it. (4)That's for all my poor friends who have had to listen to me singing the Time Warp and Sweet Transvestite (and Touch-a Touch-a Touch Me ^_^)and for my constant going on about Rocky Horror Picture Show which COMPLETELY kicks ASS!!!! |