After the whole incident with the guys I didn't really do anything. I was listless. I just didn't want to do anything. I was quiet too. I think that's what really bothered Mur more than anything. I think it bothered all I them. Hannibal was concerned in his own way as well. Face and BA well they just kind of stood at a distance, knowing that I didn't want everybody in my face.
I can still feel the sting on my back and the burn across my face at times. I always feel the etchings in my arm too. Reminders of what happened. Of a mission gone bad.
I'd retreated to my room, curled up on my side in bed. Not sleeping but eyes closed, just wanting to be alone with my thoughts. At the same time though I really wanted someone to talk to. Right as I was beginning to nod off I heard the faint click of my door being shut. Someone didn't want me to know they were there. Why shut the door though? I'd left it open in case of...oh I don't know. Just a habit I guess of living alone.
I felt the bed dip behind me but didn't make any indication that I'd noticed. I could hear the leather rustling and knew exactly who it was. It couldn't be anyone else though in the first place. I would have chased Face out if it was him. He sighed audibly, obviously wanting a conversation to start or at least me saying what was on my mind.
"What?" I said not hiding the fact that I was little perturbed by him.
I felt him move. I turned to see him also on his side looking at me. His face was unreadable. Brown eyes scanning over me they came back to meet grey.
"What?" I asked again.
"Billy reckons you need company right now. He volunteered me."
Mur began scratching behind invisible ears in between us.
"I don't know..." I sighed.
"Billy says it's okay to say if you're sad or somethin'. Since you know...I'm here an' Billy's here too." Mur said, eyes on the dog I couldn't see.
I petted Billy lazily,"Thanks Mur."
"Of course A.C.! You know me an' Billy are always here for you. You're our favorite!" He said smiling lopsidedly.
"You're my favorite too Murdock."
"And Billy?"
"And Billy." I smiled.
Talking to Murdock even if not about what happened or really if we talked about anything always made me feel better. He had this innocence about him that made you forget about all the dark in the world. About all the pain you may have been through. He reminded you of all that was good. Reminded you to be a kid too at the best of times. It was just that way with him. He had his own demons to deal with from 'Nam but you'd never guess when you knew him like the team and I did. Sure he was a bit odd but then again so is the world.
I'm not trying to say he doesn't have his own problems because he does. That's why he stays at the VA hospital. Face busts him out for jobs and brings him back when it's over. He stays with the team then but when they break him out just so he can enjoy their off time he stays with me. Sometimes I had the whole team over at my place just like now. We're all recovering from this last job. It beat the hell out of us. Or rather it beat me and Murdock.
"What you thinkin' 'bout?" He asked pulling me from my thoughts.
"Not much. You ?"
"You'll laugh." He blushed.
"Try me." I nudged him.
"You..." He said, Billy seeming to disappear.
"Me? Why me?" I smiled if a bit confused.
"I'm thinkin' how none of this should've ever happened to you. How they should've killed me and just been done. They shouldn't have even touched you. You didn't deserve any of it."
He was vibrating with anger. I knew not at me but at the men who had held us prisoner. Who had beaten him till he bled and had used me to get him to talk. I'd never seen him like this though. I mean sure during the whole fiasco he was yelling and screaming at the men to take their hands off me and to take it out on him. I'd seen him lose it and begin to cry. I'd seen his heart break. It seemed to be trying to again.
Pursing my lips as tears stung my eyes at the memory and what he was trying to do to himself now I grabbed his hand that had curled into a fist.
"It's okay." I barely managed, my voice caught.
His eyes pleaded with me.
"H.M.", I began,"You are not to blame. You did everything in your power to keep me safe. I know that. They just happened to outnumber us is all." I half joked," You did not fail in any way. So I got some new scars. Oh well. Scars fade. The important thing is that we are both alive. Besides...I'm the one who told you not to say anything." I said sitting up, still fully aware but nowhere near thinking of letting go, holding his hand.
"If I did though they would have stopped." He said following my motion and sitting at the foot of the bed beside me.
"No they wouldn't. You know that too." I said solemnly.
"Yeah..."
"Now, lets not think about it any more. I'd rather we spend our time doing something else. Perhaps a fly around?" I suggested grabbing his other hand and standing, pulling him up with me.
"You mean it?!" He said excitedly. No longer upset and smiling so brightly down at me that I was reminded how short I was.
"Of course! Come on! Before the sun disappears, I wanna see the colors!" I replied pulling him along.
Not letting go of each other's hands we headed down the stairs past the team and out toward my collection of aircraft. I could have sworn I saw a smirk or two from the rest of the guys. Who knows? Maybe I just imagined it. After all those guys are all crazy, especially when they're on the jazz.