"And that is how change happens. One gesture. One person. One moment at a time." ― Libba Bray, The Sweet Far Thing
The steady thump of the base seemed in tune with the beating of their hearts as the music flowed through their veins and they danced together; hands stroking clothing eagerly, desperate for the feeling of skin on skin – a touch that was to be denied them, for now at least – their lips never parting, so eager were they for each other. Dean's shirt was fisted in strong hands and he was pulled closer, so Dean rested his hands on the other man's hips and ground up against him. As rough kisses trailed down his neck, the light tickle of stubble sent shivers down Dean's spine.
"Dean?" Sam interrupted, shocked.
Dean spun round and saw his brother staring at him, mouth agape.
"Sam," Dean croaked.
"You never said you had a boyfriend," the other guy said, eyeing Sam up warily as he disappeared into the crowd.
Dean ignored him as he moved to catch up with his brother, who was now storming towards the entrance.
"Sam!" he yelled.
Outside the club the cold night air hit Dean like a slap in the face.
"Hey!" Dean shouted, grabbing Sam's arm. "Don't you walk away from me."
Now that he was facing his younger brother, Dean suddenly didn't know what he wanted to say. Shit, what the hell would Sammy even think of him now? The older brother he always looked up to, suddenly failing him like he'd failed everyone else.
Dean licked his chapped lips nervously and swallowed. God, his mouth was so dry all of a sudden… "Sam," he pleaded, desperate for his brother to say something – anything. Hell, he'd even appreciate a strong left hook so long as he didn't have to keep looking at the expression of what he was sure was disgust on his brother's face.
"I always thought it was just Cas," Sam said eventually.
"Sammy, no matter what, man, remember that I am your brother and I love you," Dean rambled. "I know that it looks crazy, but… Wait, what?"
"I always thought it was just Cas," Sam repeated, shrugging.
"Cas?!" Dean echoed. "As in, Cas, Cas?"
Sam nodded.
"Aw, man – how much have you been drinking, Sammy? There is no me and Cas."
Sam raised his eyebrows and looked at Dean pointedly. "I never said there was a you and Cas – I just said I didn't think that you were gay, only that you had a thing for him."
Dean's eyes went wide as he scrambled for something to say.
"Dude, I'm not gay!" he exclaimed defensively, and shuffled under Sam's gaze. "It's not like I don't still like chicks."
Sam recognised the old fear of disappointing his father that used to haunt his gaze when they were kids.
"Dean, you know what I think?" Sam asked calmly, leaning against the wall. "I think that if you and Cas hooked up, Dad would be so proud of you – he's good for you, you know that, right? I see it, and you've probably been running scared from the fact, but it doesn't change the truth."
"Sammy, Dad would never… I mean, he would have…" Dean licked his lips again. "You really think that?"
"Of course I do, Dean. If we hadn't been pushed into this life, he'd have wanted us to be happy. Cas makes you happy. That's all Dad would care about."
"What about the white picket fence, and the two point four kids?"
"That would have been my life, Dean. And you and Cas would've be the fun uncles who came around every night for dinner and distracted them from their homework."
"Too right – homework's for losers!" Dean joked, a grin lighting up his face.
Sam shot him a disparaging look, and Dean's face fell.
"Sam… Are you really ok with this? With me?"
"You're my big brother, Dean – of course I'm ok with it. And you know I love Cas."
"Yeah…" Dean trailed off. When he next spoke, his voice was uncharacteristically small. "Sammy?"
"Dean?"
"What if he doesn't feel the same?"
"You're kidding, right? He dragged your sorry ass out of Hell, goes on and on about this 'profound bond' that the two of you share, and comes running every time you call his name – even when he was trying to wage a war in Heaven, he was always there for you! And when he got out of Purgatory, what was the first thing he did? He came to find you."
Dean considered this.
"Of course he feels the same, Dean," Sam continued, "but he just might not know what it means." He paused. "Do me a favour; call Cas here, and talk to him. Just… talk to him."
"I can't." Dean shook his head. "You're the girl, Sam, not be. I don't do all that emotional crap."
"Dean, I am going to overlook the fact that you called me a girl just as you are going to overlook the fact that I am telling you how sick and tired I am of you always trying to be the strong one. You don't need to look out for me any more, Dean – I can take care of myself."
"Um, are the words 'Ruby' and 'demon blood' ringing any bells with you?"
"Those were my choices, Dean. My mistakes. That weight is mine to carry. Cas said that he told you not everything was your fault, and he's right. I've tried to tell you but you just won't listen. I guess I was wrong to hope you'd listen to him," he finished dejectedly.
The two brothers stood there in silence for a long moment, each trying to look at the other while actively avoiding their gaze.
"I can't Sammy," Dean broke the silence eventually. "I just can't. I've lost so much, and I just… I can't lose him, too. Hell, I can hardly remember a time when he wasn't around." And I don't want to, he added to himself.
"Fine, that's your call. I'm gonna head back to the motel – you coming?"
Dean shook his head. "I'm going to drive around for a bit."
"You're not too drunk?" Sam asked, narrowing his eyes as he looked his brother up and down.
"I'll be okay, Sammy. Go."
Sam shoved his hands deep in the pockets of his jeans, and as soon as he was out of Dean's sight he waited. A minute later the Impala roared off down the street, and Sam smiled.
"Cas?" he whispered softly. "If you're there, and can hear me, Dean needs you right now. And I mean really needs you – he's got himself in a right mess and needs you to get him out of it. It's only you, Cas. I can't help him."
He knew that Cas wasn't going to appear beside him so he started walking once again, hoping that Cas found Dean ok and that his brother wasn't too stubborn and afraid to tell Cas how he felt.
Two miles out of town Dean nearly crashed the car when suddenly Cas appeared in the rear-view mirror with the tell-tale flutter of wings.
"Son of a bitch!" he cried, as he swerved back onto the road. "Don't DO that!"
"My apologies, Dean – I would have thought by now you were used to seeing me."
"I am man, I was just a little lost in thought," he replied, a little less gruffly now he had the car back under control. "Care to take the front seat?"
Another flutter ands Cas appeared beside him.
"What are you doing here, anyway?"
"Sam prayed to me and told me that you needed my help urgently." He cocked his head to the side and his brow furrowed as he considered Dean. "But you do not seem to be in any immediate danger."
"Except when crazy angels try and make me crash my baby," Dean muttered.
Cas looked hurt. "I am not, as you so delicately put it, 'crazy' any more, Dean. I thought you knew that."
"I do. Sorry, buddy."
"That's quite alright."
"So Sam called you?"
"That is correct. You may wish to call him and tell him he was mistaken about your being in need of my assistance."
"I'm gonna kill him."
"That seems a little harsh, Dean – I'm sure your brother had good reason to suspect you were in trouble. It is a sign that he cares."
Dean scoffed.
"Your brother does care for you, Dean – as do I. If I didn't, I wouldn't have come."
Dean looked over to Cas, unnerved when Cas him straight in the eye. "You say that now," Dean tried to sound offhand as he spoke, "but one day you'll realise just what a no-good piece of shit I am and you'll fly your feathery ass back to Heaven and never set foot on this rock again."
"I don't have feathers on my rear," Cas stated. "And I will never leave you, Dean. Of that you have my word. For as long as you want me around, I will be here for you."
Dean glanced over at him, and a smile ghosted across his lips before he turned his eyes back to the long road ahead of them.