OOC: Hello anyone who reads this! This is about my OC Lewanna, an Attack On Titan character. This story is meant to be read by people who already know her, which is why I don't really explain a ton about her, wether it is looks, personality, or anything else. I'm sure there are a few grammatical errors as this was written at 1am.
Warnings: Deals with death in the family, pain, and I guess depression is in here too. Sadness is prevelent so if that isn't something you like to read then I would advise against this story. ^^
I own the story and character, but I do not own the Attack On Titan universe or anything associated with it.
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Her heart seemed to stop when she read the letter. It was mail day, which made it a Sunday. They had just gotten back from an expedition outside the walls a few days ago, and had been resting and recuperating. Surprisingly, she made it out with only minor injuries. She had been assigned to delivering the terrible news to families of loved ones that didn't make it back from the expedition. It was a job no one wanted to do, so she usually helped. Her ability to shut off emotions seemed to come a long way in not breaking down when you tell a mother her son isn't coming home.
But today was different. She was done with informing families, and had been ordered to take the day off. Which is why she had found herself picking up mail. She didn't usually get mail, so she didn't usually come, but for some reason she had today. She kind of regrets it now though, as she reads the one letter she got. It was from a neighbor family in her hometown.
"Lewanna,
We regret to inform you that your parents passed away a few days ago. I know we haven't seen you around in a while but we wanted to make sure you heard as quickly as possible. A deathly illness has been going around our town the last month or so and unfortunately your parents didn't make it. The house and all of the possessions are waiting for you should you decide to come.
-The Maxx Family"
Her fingers gripped the folded piece of paper tightly as she worked her lungs, focusing on breathing as she processed the information. Her parents where gone. She would never see them again. Her usually cold and emotionless expression was replaced with sadness and pain as she folded the letter up, slipping it into her pocket before heading towards the Commander's office. She was stopped by a couple friends, concerned about the look on her face, but she brushed it off, mumbling something about families, causing them to assume it was because she had been notifying families about their loved ones passing. But now she was on the receiving end of that message.
She arrived at the Commander's office quickly, giving a short and sharp knock. "Enter." She heard from beyond the oak door. She stilled her breathing and erased most of the pained expression from her face as she swung the door open, immediately spotting Alex. Before he could speak Lewanna spoke up, her words calm and emotionless. "I would like to request a week or two off for family reasons sir." Alex furrowed his eyebrows a bit, looking her over before speaking. "I'll allow it." Lewanna nodded and turned to leave before she was stopped. "If something is bothering you you can always come talk to me." She nodded before stepping out quickly, shutting the solid door behind her.
She knew she was being even more vague then usual with him, but she couldn't help it. She felt like she wouldn't be able to hold it together if she spoke about it, all her emotions pounding violently through her head as she tried to make sense of them. She just knew she needed to go back to her hometown. She hadn't been there since she left for training 7 years ago.
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It took a few days before she arrived in her home town inside wall Rose. It was a quaint little village, with a small population and friendly people. Memories assaulted her as she rode into the village, running a calloused hand across her mount's neck, letting her bright blue eyes wander across the houses. Memories of stick fighting with local kids, or helping her father cut wood flickered through her mind. She greeted a few people as she passed through, politely declining any offers of help from them. She hadn't been here in 7 years. She didn't want sympathy from people who only remembered her from when she was 13. Most people commented on how big she had gotten, mentioning how they would love to see her more often. She politely excused herself from every conversation, knowing all she was doing was delaying getting to her old home.
She passed the Maxx family house, giving a soft nod to the house when she spotted the mother in the window. She pulled her horse to a gently stop when they reached her house, slipping off the animal before tying it in front of the house. She let her eyes wander over the outside of the wooden house. It was small, but just the size for a father and mother with a single child. She stilled her breathing before walking up to the door, hesitating for a moment before pushing it open.
A dull, musty smell assaulted her nose as the heavy door swung open, a slight puff of dust stirring into the softly lit air. With a quick breath she stepped inside the old home, letting her eyes wander over the walls before she closed the door. Memories flickered through her mind as she walked softly through the hallway, slipping into the living room, kitchen area first. The long scratch in the kitchen table reminded her of when she set her bow and arrows down next to her fathers after they had been hunting. Or the slight dent in the doorframe, where she had slammed an angry fist into it during her last time here.
She traveled through the house like this, dents and dings in the wood or on the furniture reminding her of memories from her childhood. She bit back tears when she entered her old room. It looked just like it had when she left. She remembered waking from nightmares, with her father's comforting arms wrapped around her, or crying in her bed when their old horse passed away.
The slight musky sent of her father, and the gentle strawberry like smell of her mother entered her nose when she opened the door to their room. A soft, defeated sigh escaped her when she sat down on the bed, a light cloud of dust puffing into the air. A soft tear rolled down her cheek, followed by another and another. She rubbed furiously at her eyes, refusing to break down now. What good would crying do? They where gone and there was nothing she could do now. With a determined breath she stood from the bed, walking from the room and out the door into the evening ligh. She would be back later to decide what to do with the house, but she had somewhere to go now.
She left her horse at the house, choosing to let her feet carry her to where she needed to go. She zoned out as she walked down the street, snapping back when she realized where she was. She pushed the gate of the cemetery open softly, giving a soft, sad nod to the grounds worker before heading towards the back of the land, where she knew her family plot was. She stopped in front of the freshly turned ground, her eyes landing on the two gravestones with her parent's names engraved on the tops.
She stood there for a long moment, fighting tears as she stared at the place where her parents would forever rest. Tears started to fall quickly down her cheeks as she fell onto her knees, her hands resting on the ground in front of her. A choked sob tore from her lips as she shook softly. Words she had wanted to say over the last 7 years poured from her mouth. Thingsshe had wanted to tell her parents since the day she left.
"I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I waited to long to come. I waited to long to tell you guys and now you're gone." Her words where broken with sobs as she continued speaking, her voice steadily getting louder. "I didn't listen to you. I ignored your pleas to stay and stormed off on my own. I rejected your love and care, believing I knew better for myself. I couldn't just live a simple life. But I tore the family apart. My actions where selfish and I will never get a chance to make it up. I won't ever hear your voices or see your faces again." Her arms shook violently as she poured her heart out.
"I was so selfish. I'm so sorry for everything I said that day. Every nasty word that left my mouth, and everything I did. I regret it all, and wish I could make it up. I can never fix the relationship between us that I tore apart and I'll live with that for the rest of my life." Tears streamed unbidden down her face now, her vision blurred drastically. "When I see your faces they are always blurry, and the sound of your voices are muffled and skewed. The only thing I can remember is everything I said that day. Every work I said that cut pieces of your hearts and tore us apart. Now the only thing I have is that terrible memory." Her voice halted as she bit her lip, violent sobs escaping her as she shook. "I am a terrible daughter and I'm so sorry."
She shifted clumsily sideways, resting her side against her father's headstone as she curled her legs up against her chest, her heart breaking. Everything she had wanted to say, everything she wanted to apologize for was irrelevant now. She could never feel their arms wrap around her again, or the soft voice of her mother asking how her day was. All she had was the pain of loss flowing through her as she broke down even more, shaking and crying as she sat as close to her parents as she would ever get now. They where her only immediate family, and they where gone.
She stayed like this until well into the night, her violent sobs eventually turning into silent tears before ceasing all together. "I deserve this pain. I hurt them, and never fixed it. I deserve everything I ever made them feel and more. I'm so sorry." She spoke quietly, her blue eyes shimmering with tears that wound no longer fall. Her black hair was still held in a bun, but not by much. Her arms shook as she leaned heavily against the headstones, fully believing everything she was feeling at the moment, she deserved.