I can't believe what I did. I love that girl and now I will never get her back. I must have made such a fool of myself in front of Sebastian, Woody, and everyone else on the tour. I should not have been an idiot and listened to Woody. And the sad part is, I lied on the wrong one. I wish I was lying when I wrote on that heart that I never stopped loving her. But the thing is, I lied when I said I was glad to just be friends. I mean, how can you just be friends with the love of your entire life.
She isn't just beautiful or hot or sexy. She is beyond that, far beyond that. She is so sweet and kind hearted, so liberal and generous. She cares for everyone, and despises no one. Except me, and she has every right to. I ruined her life. She wasted a whole year with a loser like me. She deserved someone big and strong, buff and healthy, someone like Zack. She is a goddess, while I am the lowest devotee. She is a queen, an empress, while I am the lowly peasant. She is Jackie Kennedy, while I am Richard Nixon. She means the world to an idiot like me.
I start to think about the times we were just friends with no romantic interest in each other. Well no obvious romantic interest. At least we could hang out and talk with each other. We worked on assignments with each other, we helped each other with our math. I remember the government design project we worked on in Tut's class. We even created a simulation of it. I remember Bailey was so impressed by my knowledge. My heart raced. Everybody in the class thought that me, a nerd, could be cool occasionally. She gripped my hand tightly as she raised it up chanting Cody. Her forearms weren't bulky and masculine. They are strong, but they are tender and feminine. Beautiful, just like her. I hated it when people make accusations of her for being strong for her size so they make her seem masculine. She is the most feminine girl I have ever met, as my attraction to her is incredible. She has never not looked beautiful. Even when she masqueraded as a boy, I felt attracted to her. I thought I was bisexual until I realized she was a beautiful girl.
I then thought about our relationship. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. From our air orchestra act to saving the whales to our time in London solving the stolen book mystery. She was so excited to meet Queen Elizabeth, who gave me a recommendation for college when I applied last month. The Queen loved her and her story. Then was the Beauty Pageant. What boyfriend doesn't support his girlfriend? Me of course. I was a total asshole to her and she ignore that part of me. She always looked for the good in everyone, and that everyone included me. No matter how stupid I was, she saw the good in me. I didn't look for the good in her and that means I am a terrible boyfriend. When your girlfriend is a queen among queens, and you let that go, that is terrible.
Finally, I was brought to our exes friendship. We were friends, and she still smiled at me, but it wasn't the same. I didn't feel comfortable with her anymore. To make things worse, she had gotten even more physically attractive. If that was even possible. We had become friends after we decided that we each had to let go and become the way we were before our relationship, but it was tough. I would give my life to hear her call me her Cody-Kitten just one more time. I know she won't though. I remember how I reacted when she came home from Kettlecorn. I was so happy and excited to see her. Sadly, she didn't feel the same way. What is love when it is one sided? But being around her makes me so incredibly happy. She is a goddess. My love for her is only matched by my hatred of myself.
How could I have done this? Thrown the most beautiful girl in the world away like a piece of garbage? I didn't deserve her. She is so much smarter than me. So much more athletic. So much kinder, funnier, happier. My luck finally caught up to me. Zack may have just been insulting my worth to Bailey to annoy me, but he was dead right. That girl was gorgeous. She wasn't just out of my league, she was out of my world. I knew what we had was way too good to be true. How could a stupid selfish nerd like me get an amazing beautiful girl like her.
Every day since we broke up, I have cried every day. And every single day since, I have to remind my self that she would have broken up with me eventually. I mean what beautiful girl would go out with me and actually like me? She pitied me, and probably liked me as a friend, but never liked as anything more. She probably wasn't even upset when we broke up. Now she could find someone taller, cooler, stronger. I know I am a loser and a weakling. I mean that Granny in Sweden could win something but I couldn't. I am such a pathetic loser. Loser loser loser!
If I could bring back our time together, I would do anything. I never was happier, never was more relaxed, never was smarter. Now my GPA's dropped from 5 to 4.98! She is the only top student in the class. I've lost my academic edge as well. I need some sort of recovery. Any sort would do. Sadly I will never find that recovery. I have lost everything, and now I am a useless loser.
I started to think about our time at the candy shop on Friday. Oh, how blissful those moments when I thought she actually wanted me back were. I never was happier. Never. But of course, fate worked against me. Stupid old Woody actually thought she was making that for me, and she would never make that for me. How stupid was I? Very, incredibly stupid. That girl would never love me again no matter how much love I showed her. She broke that heart over my head, and broke my heart as well. I am a weak and pathetic loser.
After we got back on the ship, Zack told me what happened with him and Maya. Although I am very happy for him, I can't believe it that he gets girls so easily and I can't. It seems whenever I want a girl, they never look at me, but when I am off the market, they're rushing for me. Plus, Zack is much more better looking, much more handsome, much stronger, much more muscular. He could have passed for a teenage male model, albeit barely. Me? I couldn't even pass for a teenage nerd. I had the upper body strength of a weak worm. And that is what I am. A weak worm.
And now I stand alone, in front of the vast abyss that is the ocean, finally understanding what I was meant to do. While my time on this ship was great, I realized that I don't belong. Realizing that my life is worthless, insignificant, unimportant. I won't have any impact on this world whatsoever. It is best if I rid the world of another unimportant human being before it is too late. I have made my decision. The decision to jump. I lift my leg across the beam, and I decide that it is time. I will amount to nothing, and there is no point in surviving when the women you love hates your guts. When she hates you and nothing but you. When she loves everything and everything but you. The girl you would die for, the girl you think is your reason for existence, the girl with insurmountable beauty. When that girl hates you, why bother surviving? She doesn't love you and she never will, so why not get over it by killing yourself. I know I am a coward, but I do not care. The decision has been made.
A/N: So what do you think? Likes? Dislikes? Here is the question, should I leave it as a oneshot or expand on this. Your choice. Nothing but your choice. Please read and review, as it means a lot to me. I will let the majority choose whether I should leave it or expand. I will get to my other stories, and read and review!