So, I wrote this almost two years ago, clearly when I was in a much more melancholy place. Not gunna lie, this is super sad, and is completely based on a character death, but I do promise that it ends happy. Not sure why, but for some reason, I felt compelled to post this now. Or, at least, felt the need to purge it from my saved docs. Here goes nothing…
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"Thanks for taking her today, Mom." Finn handed over his one and a half year old daughter and slung his bag over his shoulder.
"Oh hush, you know I love spending time with my Gracie!" She peppered kisses all over the little girl's chubby cheeks to further her point.
Finn smiled at his mother and kissed Grace's temple before turning to leave.
"Hey Finn—"His mother called to him.
He cocked his head over his shoulder.
"Have you—has Rachel talked to you?"
Finn sighed and turned around fully.
"Only to hand off Gracie to each other." He shrugged as the familiar lump caught in his throat, "She has Kurt relay messages about the—you know."
"I'm so sorry, Honey." Carole engulfed him in a hug as he cried into her shoulder.
"I don't know what to do, Mom!" He sobbed as she rubbed his back in comforting circles.
Carole pulled away to take his face in her hands, "You're going to raise this beautiful baby girl and continue on with your life, that's what you're going to do."
Finn wiped his eyes and nodded, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself.
"Maybe I should just stay home today and spend time with her." He said motioning to Grace sitting on Sofa watching television.
Carole put her hands on her hips, "Finn, you need to take care of things, make the arrangements…"
"Mom please, I don't want to think about all of this right now." He pinched the bridge of his nose and squeezed his eyes shut.
"Well you may not want to think about it, Finn, but you have to, okay?"
"Rachel and I always do what we have to for our kids, no matter how we may feel about each other." Carole stood frozen for a second and Finn's eyes widened, "Kid." He corrected himself.
"Baby, you'll always be his father."
Finn scuffed his shoe on the ground and heaved.
"I didn't deserve to be his father."
Carole's voice turned cold, "Don't say things like that. You don't mean it."
"No I do. He's dead because of me and Rachel will never ever forgive me. So here I am! Handing off the only kid I've got to my mother because I know she'll be safer here with you than she will be with me!" He kicked Grace's xylophone across the room and it shattered against the wall.
Realizing that he left a huge gash in the dry wall, Finn pleaded to his mother, "Mom, I'm sorry I'll fix the dent. Fuck! I need to get out of here I swear I feel like I can't breathe!"
The baby began to cry, breaking Finn from his reverie. His eyes shot over to her crying form on the couch, gripping at her stuffed pig, begging for her "Mama."
"Oh Gracie girl, I'm so sorry. Daddy didn't mean to scare you." He cradled her in his arms and tried to sooth her but her cries only grew louder, as if she were terrified of him. Repulsed with himself he handed her back over to Carole and bounded out of the door.
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Kurt sat next to Rachel on her plush sofa, as she searched through pictures of her son.
"What do you think of this one? I know he's a little bit younger here but I love how his cowlick sticks up and he's got Finn's half smile-." She stopped herself as she mentioned Finn and placed the picture of the little boy on their family vacation to Aruba face down.
It scared Kurt how calm Rachel was being about all of this. The only time she showed any kind of emotion was when Finn was mentioned and she would either stop talking or change the subject entirely.
Kurt reached over and pulled up a picture of Liam just two days before the accident. He was in his soccer uniform, his favorite outfit, and he had his arms up cheering in victory. He looked happy, he looked vibrant, he looked alive. Rachel's breath caught in her throat and she placed her hand over her heart as she took the picture from Kurt's hand and studied it.
"I think it's perfect." She proclaimed. She closed her eyes and let out a shaky breath, "He loved that smelly old uniform, he wore it on days he didn't even have games."
Kurt nodded solemnly as he took his best friend into his arms and tears fell freely down his cheeks, "I can't even imagine what you're going through, Rach. I'm so sorry."
She pulled back and smiled at him, the slight admission of feeling she had just moments ago—gone.
"So I suppose we can go to the synagogue later and get it all sorted out." She dusted off her skirt and shot up from the couch and into the kitchen where Liam's drawings littered the stainless steel refrigerator.
Kurt followed her in and watched as she boiled some water for tea. There was something so ordinary in this gesture that made Kurt's heart ache. Here she was, Rachel Berry, doing something she did every day except now her life was completely and utterly changed.
"Have you talked to Finn?"
Rachel became at statue at the mention of his name. She didn't bother to turn around to answer and only muttered a low and barely audible, "I can't."
"Rachel, you have to talk to him. He's your husband; no one knows what you're going through as well as he does. If you don't grieve through this together, you're going to end up apart."
She turned to sit in a chair and buried her face in her hands.
"I begged him to not let him go on that trip! I. BEGGED. HIM. He always told me I was too overprotective and look what happened! He's DEAD Kurt! My baby is DEAD! Oh my god, my baby is dead!" And that was the moment that Rachel Barbra Berry-Hudson finally broke.
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"Rach? Baby?" Finn called into the dimly lit and eerily quiet apartment. He had gotten home late from his annual fishing trip with Puck, Sam, Mike, and Blaine and his stomach was roaring. He walked over to their small yet expensive kitchen (thanks to Rachel's insistence that they remodel it once they became the official owners) and saw his beautiful wife asleep at the island, surrounded by two covered dishes, a lit candle and a bottle of champagne. He laughed to himself as he kissed her temple and she stirred awake.
"Finn!" She murmured dreamily as she realized that he was actually there.
"Hey sleepy head, what's all this?" He motioned the romantic display before him.
Rachel blushed and pulled out his stool for him to sit down, "I guess I just missed you."
Finn beamed, "Maybe I should go away more often if this is the reception I get!"
Rachel giggled as she watched him uncover his dish.
"Baby! You made Italian chicken! That's my favorite!" He cheered. "Italian chicken," was what Finn called chicken francese which he could never remember nor pronounce.
Finn dug in hungrily and ate nearly half of his meal before he noticed Rachel staring at him with glassy eyes.
"Rach, is everything okay?" She nodded, holding her tears back.
"I have something else for you… other than the dinner." She muttered as she scurried into their bedroom and pulled out a gift bag with fancy tissue paper expertly stuffed in it.
"Is it my birthday or something, what did I do to deserve all of this?" He pulled Rachel onto his lap as he kissed her fully, leaving the bag sitting next to his dinner. Rachel pulled back and pushed the bag towards him, "Open it."
He smiled at her as her removed the paper, revealing a Browns jersey. While confused, he was appreciative and gave Rachel a big wet kiss on her cheek, "Thanks!"
Rachel pointed to the back of the shirt where it read, "Hudson." Again, Finn smiled, blissfully ignorant of the "Sr." that accompanied his name at the end of the shirt.
At this point Rachel rolled her eyes and moaned, "There's something else in the bag."
Finn eyed her nervously and dug in; pulling out an exact replica of his jersey except it was tiny, like super small—small enough to fit a baby.
A baby.
He turned it around rapidly and saw the back that read, "Hudson Jr." He just stared at it in awe for a few minutes before the grown man broke down, burying his face into his wife's chest. "I love you so much." He muttered. "Thank you, thank you, thank you." He cried as he kissed down her body landing on her still-flat belly.
"Can you believe it?!" She grinned as the tears spilled.
He looked up at her, completely enthralled with being able to hold his whole heart in his arms, "Everything we ever wanted is coming true, Rach. We did it. We made it work."
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"Finn." Kurt breathed into the phone.
"What's wrong? Is it Grace?!" He gasped.
"It's Rachel. She's finally cracked."
Silence.
Kurt heard Finn hang up and knew there was really no reason to call him back, he knew what that meant. That he had to come home and put the pieces of Rachel back together, whether she wanted him to or not.
Kurt placed the phone down on the table and turned his attention back to his inconsolable friend who sobbed into Liam's baby blanket as she rocked back and forth on the couch.
"Rachel, Finn's coming now, okay?" She didn't respond to him, just stared out into space catatonically.
"Oh, Jesus." He whispered under his breath as his massaged his temples.
Not ten minutes later did Finn barrel through the door and run to Rachel's side. He took her into his arms and cradled her, just as he would Grace.
"Shhhh, baby, it's okay. Let it out." He soothed as he patted her hair and rubbed her back. She clutched onto his shirt and sobbed into it, letting out a guttural shriek of anguish.
"He's dead, Finn!"
Finn too began to cry. "I'm sorry."
Kurt excused himself and headed off to check on poor little Gracie.
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"Daddy! Daddy! DADDY!" Liam jumped on the bed next to Finn making him wake up and yelp thinking he was in the middle of some kind of natural disaster.
"Liam, you nearly gave Daddy a heart attack!" He laughed as he scooped him up into his arms and kissed his messy mop of hair.
"Do you know what day it is?!" Liam asked suspiciously.
"Do I know what day it is? It's not every day your one and only first born son turns a whole five years old!" Finn exclaimed emphasizing that five was a whole hand many. Liam loved that.
"Did you get me any presents?!"
"Of course, but I kind of wanted to wait for your mom to give them to you. Where is she anyway?" Finn asked noticing her absence from the room.
"She's feeding Gracie and making chocolate chip pancakes and BACON!"
"BACON!" They cheered together and Finn held him in a flying position, running all the way into the kitchen for a crash landing on his chair.
"Morning, Mommy." Finn greeted Rachel mischievously as he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind and kissed her neck. She turned and smiled, "Well hello there, Daddy. Ready for breakfast?"
"I'm ready for breakfast!" Liam called happily from his seat.
Rachel brought over the big dish of pancakes and Finn brought over the bacon and syrup, eating a few pieces to tide him over on the trip to the table. That earned a smack to the hand from Rachel.
"So birthday boy, how does it feel to be five years old?" Rachel inquired as she cut up a pancake into small pieces and put it on Grace's tray.
"I feel like an almost-kindergartener!" He shouted mouth full of food. Finn slanted his eyebrow at Liam giving him the "Don't talk with your mouth full or else mom will be mad!" stare.
Liam grinned and swallowed sheepishly.
"Mama! More!" Grace called and Finn looked over to her now empty tray.
"Finn these children eat like they've never seen food before, I don't even know how many times in one week I can go food shopping!" She said as she cut pieces off of a banana and fed them to the baby one by one, trying to slow her down.
"We eat like daddy." Liam laughed and he and Finn fist bumped as Rachel rolled her eyes.
"Li-Li!" Gracie called trying to get her brother's attention. Liam clambered over to her high chair and kissed her cheek.
"Did you know it's my birthday, Gracie?" The little girl offered him a toothy smile and a piece of her banana.
"I think that was her birthday present to you, Li." Finn smiled, kissing Gracie on her silky curly hair.
"Thanks Grace. I love you!" He took her chubby hand in his and kissed it before climbing onto Rachel's lap. He wrapped his arms around her neck and settled his head against her chest.
"Someone still likes cuddles with Mama, even though he's a big boy now, huh?" Liam nodded, content in his mother's embrace.
"So… I think its present time!" Finn called retrieving an oddly shaped and incredibly long wrapped gift box from the pantry.
Liam shot up and ran over to Finn.
"Here you go, buddy. Happy birthday."
Liam tore open the paper and pulled out a fishing pole, "Cool!"
"Liam, you are officially going on the annual Hudson-Puckerman-Evans-Anderson fishing trip! There will be lots of junk food, swimming, tubing, camp fires, and marshmallow roasting—"
"WHEN DO WE GO?!" Liam screamed as he jumped up and down excitedly.
"We leave this weekend!" Rachel watched nervously as both of her boys danced around the kitchen yelling about all the fun they were going to have in the Catskills. She wanted to be happy for them, but she couldn't shake the feeling in her gut that told her not to let her little boy go.
Finn, noticing Rachel's sudden withdrawal into silence, walked over to her and placed a kiss on her hair as he whispered, "Everything's going to be fine, Rach. I promise."
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Everything wasn't fine.
Finn woke up from his mid-day nap on the couch in the cabin, where he and Liam had fallen asleep. Except Liam was no longer in his arms and as Finn looked around he wasn't anywhere in the cabin either.
Before letting the terror creep in, Finn assumed that the boy was with one of his friends or his uncle, no big deal. But, as he searched the other cabins, no one knew where Liam was either.
Then the panic attack began. Finn searched high and low and far and wide and called his name so much that his throat was sore and then it hit him.
The lake.
Finn sprinted down the shore and saw nothing. He collapsed to the muddy ground and as the small current rolled in so did a tiny shoe. Liam's tiny shoe. Finn actually vomited as he took the shoe in his hand and dove into the lake looking for any sign of his son.
He's cloudy on how the rest of it happened.
The next thing he consciously remembers is holding his son's cold, lifeless body on the sand trying desperately to breathe life back into him to no avail.
Puck, Sam, Blaine and the other little boys crowded around them solemnly, knowing it was too late. Blaine had called 911 and the paramedics had to pry Liam's body away from Finn to put him on the stretcher. They wouldn't even allow him to ride in the ambulance with him because they said he was unstable, crying one minute, screaming the next, kicking things.
They filed into Sam's truck and drove to the hospital in complete silence as it dawned on Finn that he had to call Rachel and tell her.
Tell her that their son was dead and that it was all his fault.
He didn't want to do it before it was confirmed, although he knew that Liam was dead before the doctors actually declared it. He kissed his son goodbye one last time and slid to the ground outside of his hospital room as he dialed Rachel's number.
He heard Gracie giggling in the background and he gulped as a peppy Rachel answered the phone, "Hi, Baby! We haven't heard from you all day. Me and Gracie miss you guys!"
Rachel put the phone to Gracie's mouth and coaxed her into saying "Dada! Li-Li!"
Finn's heart was racing so fast he thought he might have a heart attack but he somehow managed to get out a, "Hi Gracie girl."
Hearing the tone of Finn's voice Rachel quickly got back on the phone, "Finn what's wrong?!"
"Rachel…" He cried.
"NO. NO! FINN!" She screamed and in that moment he seriously considered suicide.
"He's—he's gone, Rach."
"NO! NO! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! HOW?!" He didn't know if she was screaming or crying or howling or shrieking but he never heard the kind of absolute turmoil that Rachel was emitting at the moment.
"He drowned." He spat out the words, hoping to get them off of his tongue as quick as he could.
"No," She just cried and Finn sat on the other end in stunned silence. This was actually happening to them.
"I—he took off by himself, Rach. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. We were taking a nap and I woke up and he was gone and I—I don't even know how he got out of my arms without waking me up! I didn't even hear the door! I told him so many times not go by himself I swear! I tried to save him, baby. It was too late! I was too late! I'm sorry, oh god I'm so sorry!" He poured out the entire apology as well as he could muster to his poor wife, the ever-vigilant mother who had been weary of this fucking trip to begin with.
"You killed my baby!" She screamed into the phone and Finn felt as if it was his final conviction. He was the worst person in the whole world and he wished more than anything that he could take his son's place.
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The funeral was beautiful. Rachel, his beautiful and resilient Rachel, braved the room full of people studying her sadness and sang at his service, while Kurt delivered his eulogy, or "hesped" as Rachel called it. Finn just couldn't do it. He was too guilty, too much a part of the reason that they were all gathered there in the first place. He felt unworthy. Instead, he held Grace tightly to his chest and cried like the coward he was.
They returned to the house, mirrors covered, Hiram and LeRoy welcoming the guests into the home considering Finn had no idea how to conduct "shiva" and Rachel was going through waves of sobbing and screaming and periods of calm. He thought it was really nice how everyone brought food for them and sat with them and he even took comfort in telling all different stories about his rambunctious boy. He was a soccer star, a total goof, a loving brother, a dreamer, an amazing son, there was just so much Finn wanted everyone to know about him and wished that he'd never forget.
Just when Finn thought he'd never get through the sadness, he'd find his little Gracie, ever so patiently awaiting normalcy, being the best baby ever, not bothering anyone, barely crying. He wondered if she knew somehow, knew that her parents needed just a little bit of extra help and she was trying to comply in the best way she knew how. Somehow, she did. Hugging her, holding her, singing to her, it somehow made the ache in his heart just a little bit less. He decided that she was quite an aptly named child.
Finn decided to seek some respite from the crowd in his room and slunk in and closed the door. He found Rachel sitting on their bed, singing to the baby gently as she rocked her in her arms. He just stood there watching, wondering how, in all of their sadness, that they could still have perfect, beautiful moments such as this one.
Once she was finished with her song and their perfect baby was asleep in her arms, Rachel turned to him and offered a small smile. "Hi."
Finn smiled back, "Hey."
"Come sit with us." Rachel asserted, patting the space on the bed beside her.
Finn hesitated for a moment and then complied. He climbed on the bed, and took the initiative to pull Rachel and Gracie into his lap. To his great relief, she didn't resist. Instead, she cuddled closer, leaning hear head against his chest as he stroked her hair.
"Remember when we told him about Gracie?" Rachel asked, a lightness in her voice.
Finn chuckled softly, "Yeah. He was so excited."
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"Finn, I'm so nervous. What if he thinks we're having another baby because we don't love him enough? What if he hates me? You know that kids always blame the mother!"
Finn smirked as he tried to comfort his hormonal and pregnant wife, "Baby, everything is going to be fine. Liam is a very well-adjusted three year old and he like loves to play with Kailey whenever we bring him over Kurt and Blaine's."
Rachel sighed, putting her hands to her temples, pacing the room, "Yes, but Kailey is his cousin it's different. He's going to have to share things with this baby—our attention, our love, our time, our money."
"Babe, he's three. He is not even going to remember a time that he didn't have a sibling. Besides, we both agreed that we wanted to have like three kids. It was lonely being an only child, you and I know that better than anyone." He stood in front of her rubbing her shoulders. She tilted her head and gave him a warm smile.
"You're the best you know that? You always calm me down with logic when I'm being crazy but you never make me feel crazy."
"That's because you're not. You're just pregnant and you feel so much and you love our kids so much that it sometimes gets in the way of objective decision making." He reached down to caress her belly that was still rock hard and flat, thanks to a grueling run in Pippin.
"Well, I suppose that's true. Alright, let's get this done with shall we? Then I won't have to worry about it anymore and maybe I'll be able to sleep at night in between my bouts of nausea!" Rachel marched out of their bedroom and into Liam's nursery which would soon become the new baby's.
Liam was already up, playing with his Buzz Lightyear action figure, making him fly around his room.
"To infinity and beyond!" Finn called out, causing Liam to drop the toy in shock as his parents entered his room.
"Daddy!" The little boy ran over to Finn and jumped into his arms.
"Morning, buddy."
"Good morning, sweetheart." Rachel pulled his face close to give him a sincere kiss.
Finn looked at Rachel for some kind of signal but instead caught her fidgeting with her hands so he decided he was going to get the ball rolling.
"So, Liam, me and mommy have some news." The boy didn't seem too interested.
Rachel swallowed hard, "And we just want to let you know how much we LOVE you, William. Mommy and Daddy love you more than anything in the whole entire world and nothing will ever change that, okay?"
"Rachel!" Finn whispered, "You're using his full name and you're going to scare him!"
"Sorry." She shrieked as she looked down at the floor.
"What we're trying to say is that… Mommy is having a baby!" He placed his free hand on Rachel's tummy, "You're gunna be a big brother!"
Liam contemplated this for a breathtakingly long moment.
"COOL!" The little boy exclaimed as he motioned for Finn to put him down on the ground.
He hugged Rachel around the legs and whispered loudly to her belly, "Hi baby! I'm your big brudder and I love you." He kissed the spot where he spoke and Rachel practically melted into a puddle.
"You are the BEST boy in the whole wide world!" She cried and smothered the poor thing in kisses.
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"He was so special." Rachel said, reminiscent.
"He was." Finn agreed.
"You think we're ever going to stop hurting?" She asked like a little child.
Finn sighed, "I don't think we'll ever stop missing him. I think the hurt will dull in time and maybe we'll be able to remember him without feeling like we're going to be swallowed whole by it."
"Thank you."
"For what?"
"For being honest. For being here. For forgiving me when I blamed you."
"Rachel."
"No, Finn. I want you to know how sorry I am for that. I—I just wanted someone to blame, for it to make sense somehow but it doesn't. And it wasn't your fault not for a second and I don't want you to live the rest of your life thinking that, or thinking that I think that, because I don't."
"You begged me to not let him go on that stupid trip."
"Right, but now I know he lived the last few days of his life the happiest he ever was. I couldn't stop him from dying any more than you could. It was time that I let him go, let him be a big boy, let him live. It was a horrible accident, Finn. But that's what it was, an accident."
"I love you so much, Rachel. I don't deserve you or Grace… or Liam."
"Don't say that. You're an excellent father and a wonderful husband. You are the only reason I've been able to get through these past few days."
"I haven't done anything."
"You took care of Grace when I couldn't. You figured out everything with the hospitals and the police reports and the news. You called to notify everyone. You're my hero and I love you."
"We're going to get through this," He promises her, his forehead resting against hers.
"Together," she whispers as she leans in to kiss him.
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"Happy birthday Gracie!" Finn called through the flip cam focusing it on his little ballerina in her tiara and pink tutu and white angel wings. It was her birthday so Rachel let her pick out her own outfit, which was actually pretty well-coordinated and adorable. He guesses he has Kurt to thank for that.
She giggled, prancing around the living room of their new, spacious house.
"Gracie! How old are you today?"
"THIS MANY!" Grace held out her whole hand, signifying her fifth birthday. Rachel came into view and picked up the birthday girl and waved to the camera giving him a wink.
"Oh hi, Mommy! Where have you been?" Finn asked, panning the camera to her stomach.
"Mommy's been getting sick all morning thanks to Daddy." She said through clenched teeth, trying to not give it away to Gracie whom they hadn't told yet.
"I think that while Daddy feels really bad about that, he's also really glad it's finally happening." At this Rachel's face softened and she mouthed an "I love you" to the camera. Finn shut it off and took his girls into a warm embrace. He kissed Rachel's neck and whispered, "You know that Liam would be so happy about this."
Rachel nodded, tears spilling down her face.
Finn massaged her neck and pulled her face close, "This is a happy thing, Rach. A good thing. This whole day is a wonderful day. Gracie is another year older and now we have this new one on the horizon."
Rachel breathed deeply and leaned her forehead against Finn's chest, "I can't believe it's been three and a half years, can you?"
He shook his head no. In that time he and Rachel had definitely weathered some intense storms but overall they did it with poise and grace, with Liam in mind the entire way. They decided to move out of the city to Suffolk, Long Island. Finn got a job teaching there and the commute to the city on the LIRR wasn't so bad for Rachel, not when she had a role as enticing as Evita. Plus, it was so wonderful to see Gracie and their new dog, Sunny, be able to run around in a big backyard and they were even planning on getting an in ground pool for next summer. Things were looking up.
They started talking about trying for another baby one day when Grace had mentioned that she was the only one of her friends who didn't have a brother or sister. They kindly reminded her that she did have a big brother who lived in Heaven, but they knew what she meant. She was lonely, just like they were when they were growing up. After a lot of crying and a lot of convincing Rachel that this would not be a detriment to Liam's memory, they began to try. And late last night, at 12:09 on the first hour of Grace's birthday, Rachel read a positive result on the pregnancy test and Finn nearly tackled her to the ground.
"Hey, Mommy?" Gracie called out.
"Yes, Baby?"
"I had a dream about Liam last night."
"You did, did you?" She cooed, pulling her little (big) girl onto her lap.
"Yeah. He was bigger than in that picture though."
"Well, he'd be about eight years old today," She explained, combing her fingers through Grace's sandy, loose curls.
"Yeah, he looked like a 3rd grader," she discerned now that she was a kindergartener and aware of these things.
"Did he say anything to you?" Rachel pried further. Finn, intent on the conversation, took a seat next to his girls and wrapped a protective arm around them.
"Yeah. He said that sometimes you and daddy are sad and that's okay."
"That sounds like Liam," Finn agreed, a wistful smile crossing his face.
"He also said that you were having a baby," Gracie said matter-of-factly, playing with the bracelets on her arm.
"He what?" Rachel squeaked.
"Mhm. He told me that for my birthday he gave me a little brother," Gracie continued, completely oblivious to her parent's utter shock, "How does that work? Do you and Daddy call the stork or does he come on my door step later? Did you wrap him?"
Rachel quickly got up from the couch to get some air, but ending up being engulfed in an all-encompassing hug by her husband, which allowed her to fully release all the emotions she was feeling. She cried for about an hour and then spent the rest of the day beaming at the message from her son. She hadn't felt this whole since the day before he died.
Finn was also walking on air. He had a beautiful daughter, an amazing, pregnant wife, a new baby on the way, and an angel looking over him. He knew, somehow, that Liam wasn't alone; That his father was there with him, sharing the relationship with him that was robbed from both of them.
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Seven months later, their second son, Cameron Lee Hudson, was born.
On Liam's birthday.