This was in high demand on tumblr for some reason. And by high demand I mean around 3 people demanded it because i jokingly said i would do it. but it was incredibly fun to write!
Reader x Lord English (kind of)
Enjoy! Reviews are greatly appreciated! I'm always taking Reader-insert requests!
Your name is [FIRST NAME] [LAST NAME] and, uh, you honestly have no idea how the fuck you got sucked into this particular scenario. Not ten minutes ago you minding your own goddamn business, sitting in your room, dicking around on the internet and relaxing with a bottle of your favorite sugary drink. A pretty mellow and chill weekday night, which you were grateful for, considering the amount of stress you have been under lately. You hadn't been doing anything really unordinary on your laptop, just switching between a few tabs. Scrolling through tumblr here, reading a little bit of fanfiction there, occasionally checking to see if anything new had happened on some other website.
Around halfway down a fresh page of posts, however, you noticed that your laptop began acting a little oddly. Nothing dramatic, just being abnormally slow and causing videos to stutter badly. You figured it would fix itself sooner or later. Worst case scenario, you would just have to restart it. No biggie. It was fine.
Well it was pretty fine until your laptop decided to just shut off by itself. You grumbled to yourself with an inward "What the fuck." and attempted to restart the laptop. No dice. It wouldn't turn on. You checked to see if the charger was still in and yep, that sucker was plugged in good. As you stared at the blank screen, thinking about what to do, you had suddenly become a little overly aware of your surroundings. Everything was unnaturally still. There was no more background noise coming from outside or from another part of the house. Something caused you to glance at your clock, and you noticed that the second hand had stopped moving. altogether
That's when shit hit the whirling device. You had been blinded by a spontaneous flash of neon green light and your arms instinctively went to cover your face in defense from whatever the fuck was happening. You forced your eyes open at the sparks and caught a glimpse of the silhouette of a woman before everything went blank.
That's the basics of how you got here. You woke up a few moments ago, sitting in a locked room of nothing but green furniture and too many clocks. The only thing you could confirm was that the couch you were sitting on was made out of very soft, dark green felt. You had tried the door a few minutes ago but found it was not actually a door at all. It was just a goddamn door glued onto the wall. Unbelievable.
Another flash of green light caught you off guard and you nearly fell off the felt couch. When you gathered yourself up again, the same woman you had seen before was floating a few feet away from you. Her dress was only a slightly different shade of green from the rest of the room, and her horns wer- holy shit those were bigass horns. No wonder all the doors were fake, she wouldn't be able to get through a normal door with horns that gigantic and curly.
"チリのへようこそ" She said rather monotonously.
"Uh…" You glanced around awkwardly. You were pretty sure that was Japanese, but you didn't know nearly enough Japanese to understand her, and definitely not enough to reply.
"YOU. YOU ARE [NAME], YES?" She asked in a more powerful voice combined with a thick accent. You nodded at the strange lady and she landed softly on the ground, causing any remaining green sparks to vanish.
"[NAME]. THIS IS THE FELT MANSION. YOU ARE NEWEST SERVANT TO BIG GREEN ASSHOLE. CONGRATULATIONS." Her irritated bluntness caught you way off guard. Servant? To who now?
"Wait, what?" You asked, voice cracking a little, "Servant to who? Who are you? I'm in a mansion? Hold on just a minu-"
"LORD ENGLISH. YOU ARE BASICALLY STUCK HERE FOREVER. LIKE ME. I AM THE HANDMAID. GOOD LUCK." The mysterious woman gave you no time to respond before she strode over to the door, opening it with ease, and walked out, only stopping once to give you some advice, "IF YOU NEED SOMETHING. TALK TO CROWBAR."
And she was gone.
You were completely dumbfounded. Partly due to how you were now apparently a servant to some big green lord within mere minutes, and partly due the fact that The Handmaid just opened and walked through a door that had been fake just minutes before. You remained in the green room for about a half hour, recovering from the initial shock of being zapped to god-knows-where from your bedroom. After you made the decision to gather more information from this Crowbar character, it took an exceedingly long time for you to muster up the courage to step foot out of this room. Once you did, however, the first thing that crossed your mind was how sick you were going to get of the color green. The whole mansion was covered in it.
Several days pass and you knew more than you did before, but that wasn't much. It turns out that Crowbar was second in command of the mobsters that lived in this plush green abode. According to him, they were known as The Felt. A suitable named, you supposed, considering their skin was as soft and plush as the felt couches. They were all similar to billiard balls as well. Ranging from one to fifteen, Crowbar (number seven) referred to them as leprechauns. They all treated you kindly enough, with exception of Sn0wman, who only regarded you with cool distain.
"Lord English" was the leader of The Felt, Crowbar explained to you now. He went on in detail how he was quite possibly the most powerful being in every known universe.
"But why did he want me as a servant?" You had asked the Felt member several times.
He didn't exactly know, he responded with an awkward shrug, he had suspicions though. However, he refused to share them.
It's now been a week since the spooky lady known as The Handmaid kidnapped you from the safety of your room. You had taken up residence in one of the many empty bedrooms in the enormous mansion, taking care to remove most of the clocks so you could actually get a wink of sleep. Who the hell decided that this many clocks was a good idea. Half of them didn't even say the right time! Actually...now that you think about it, you weren't completely sure what the right time even was. Every clock was different.
At the moment, you were attempting to relax in the 'recreational room', as Crowbar called it. Around you, several Felt members were engaging in a gentleman's game of table stick ball.
"It's called 'pool' or 'billiards'." You insisted for the umpteenth time to Doze, the closest leprechaun to your plush chair. His dark blue top hat was askew as he pondered his next possible move against Fin. He replied to you with a very slow rolling of the eyes, claiming that you just didn't know what you were talking about. "Pool" and "billiards". Pssh. That's just silly. Everybody with a functional brain knows that this is the gentleman's game of table stick ball. There was no getting through to these squishy broccoli men.
"[Name]. English wants to see you."
The entire room froze as the notorious Sn0wman entered the room. A chill instantly shot down your spine as she leaned against the doorframe, pointing an elegant cigarette holder in your direction.
"That means now. Scoot along, kid." She waved the cigarette holder at you like a teacher would a child, spurring you from your comfortable seat and out the door. Somehow you instinctively knew not to cross Number 8. The others didn't need to tell you that, despite Crowbar's official name, Sn0wman was really the leader around here when Big Green Asshole himself wasn't around.
Walking up the main staircase was a little surreal. After a week of being relatively in the dark, you might get some answers from whoever this Lord was. Hopefully, this was all just some big mix up and he would send you home. Or, at the very least, give you something to decorate your room with that wasn't green. Maybe a nice blue vase. Hell, you'd even settle for a lava lamp. Okay... you were very much hoping for a lava lamp. Lava lamp is the main priority, you told yourself, should it be impossible to send you home.
The hall leading to the supposed room that was English's "office" or some sort, was very large and intimidating. Endless doors lined the hallway, some were open, and some appeared to be fake like the door The Handmaid opened. Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a brief glimpse through a slightly ajar door and what appeared to be an orange man swatting at a taxidermied wolf head with the handle of a broom. Uh...at least you think that's what it was.
It seemed like hours before you reached the end of the hall. As you approached the gigantic double doors, you found that they were already cracked open. He must be expecting you, you decided. No use running away now. He seems like the kind of guy you wouldn't be able to outrun anyways.
You shove all your weight against the doors, bursting through them with the collective power of every bit of willpower in your body.
You…
You didn't expect Lord English to be a terrifyingly buff skeleton monster with a flashy coat and billiard balls for eyes. Holy shit.
Every primal instinct told you to run for the hills. But the rainbow glare of this hulking brute had you glued to the spot. One flick of this guy's wrist could kill you. You had expected someone intimidating but not pants-wettingly horrifying.
Shit, you're suddenly aware that you've been staring each other down for a few minutes. He's probably expecting you to say something.
"Um. Are you...L-Lord English?" You asked, your voice meeker than you had intended. It was easy to feel small compared to this guy and his epilepsy-inducing coat, "Hey, so, uh, I think there was a mix up. I don't think I should be h-"
"ARE YOU NOT THE [NAME] HUMAN." His insanely loud voice echoed throughout the mansion. You wouldn't be surprised if the Felt could hear it.
"DON'T ANSWER THAT. I KNOW YOU ARE. IT WAS A QUESTION ONLY MEANT TO POINT OUT HOW STUPID YOU ARE. LIKE ALL HUMANS." His teeth clacked together as he spoke, sending the billiard balls in his eyes in an even faster shuffle of colors and numbers.
"Wha- Hey! I'm not stupid!" You protested, momentarily forgetting your fear, "You're the one that kidnappe-"
"STOP. OF THE BEING HOW INCREDIBLY WRONG YOU ARE." English turned his back on you and made his way across the room, which only meant taking a few steps considering his size. He promptly removed his oversized coat and hung it on a nearby coat rack, where it continued to flash an array of distracting colors. You didn't know what you were expecting but it wasn't for this Lord to sit down on a large, plush green couch, and awkwardly pat the cushion next to him.
"SIT." he boomed, his command echoing for a few seconds. Courage abandonded you again and your knees turned to jelly. But to minimize the risk of angering this...weird…thing...you spurred yourself forward towards the couch and cautiously sat down on the cushion adjacent to him. You made sure to sit on the edge of the cushion, should you need to make a speedy getaway. A few more awkward minutes passed. It seemed like this creature didn't really know how to hold a conversation beyond a few short sentences.
"So…Why, exactly, am I here? And who are you? I mean, beyond an all powerful Lord or something." You asked, attempting not to look up at the spinning pool ball eyes. They were kind of freaking you out.
"I AM LORD ENGLISH." he shouted, his tone taking a rather dramatic turn, "AND YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE, AS A HUMAN, YOU ARE WEIRD AND DUMB ENOUGH THAT I WANT TO GAIN MORE KNOWLEDGE ABOUT YOU."
"Okay...So you want to learn about humans from me?" That seemed reasonable enough. Typical alien abduction story.
"NO. STOP AGAIN. WITH THE INCREASINGLY STUPID QUESTIONS." He turned his head down at you, forcing you to glance up at him and then back down at that broken clock in the corner of the room. You honestly couldn't tell if this guy was truly angry with you, or if this what he was like all the time.
"I WILL SEND YOU BACK TO YOUR DISGUSTING ALTERNATE EARTH PLANET WHEN I LEARN WHAT I NEED TO KNOW." He continued, before holding a dark green claw out to you, palm up, "NOW. HOLD MY HAND."
What. Okay, if things weren't strange before, then this is the fucking Twilight Zone. You suspected this might be an alien brain scanning technique, like in some B-rated sci fi movies you've seen. Hesitantly, you lowered your small hand against the rough, shell like claw of Lord English. You half expected him to crush every one of your fingers but he was surprisingly gentle as he closed his fingers around your hand. It was painfully awkward, all things considered. But your brain didn't feel scanned.
"Are you learning someth-"
"YES. THIS IS JUST. SO. SCANDALOUS. TITILLATING, EVEN."
"Wait, what."
"[NAME]. I WANT YOU, TO RECITE ONTO ME, ONE OF YOUR ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING HUMAN POEMS OF ADORATION."
A fucking unicorn might as well leap out of a closet now. Maybe this is all just some coma induced fever dream. Hopefully this is all just some coma induced fever dream.
"A love poem? Um, okay, well," You paused for a moment, desperately trying to recall any small love poems you've read.
"NOW."
"Okay, okay! Uh. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you." You recited, glad that you could remember something under this kind of pressure. You looked up at English for his reaction. The dude was blushing like a maid. Okay.
"THAT'S TERRIBLE. THAT'S…ABHORRENTLY, DISGUSTINGLY TENDER." He gasped, covering his mouth with his free hand, "TO INCLUDE COMPARISONS TO SWEETS, YOU ARE TRULY DIRTY OF THE HUMAN MIND, [NAME]."
"I...I guess?"
"YOU WILL CONTINUE TO VISIT ME, AND RECITE THESE GROSS ADORING HUMAN LOVE POEMS. THIS IS YOUR TASK."
"And...then I can go home?"
"MAYBE. PROBABLY." English took his hand away as if yours was a hot stove top. He was obviously too hot and bothered to continue with learning all about the nature of this human cuddly stuff. He rose to his feet, his golden pegleg clanking loudly against the flooring as he removed his coat from the rack.
"YOU WILL LEAVE NOW. I WILL CALL YOU BACK WHEN I AM READY TO...LEARN AGAIN." He said the word like it was some dirty, socially unacceptable swear.
This was all you had to do? Hold the hand of a green giant and tell him sappy, corny, love poems? He made it completely awkward and uncomfortable... but you found it rather endearing and almost adorable. Almost. It would be more adorable if you didn't think he was getting off on this. But this wasn't so bad. A few more days of this and he'd tell The Handmaid to take you home.
And not everyone can say that they held Lord English's hand while he tittered and blushed at crappy love poems.
"Hey," You suddenly remembered, "You happen to have any lava lamps around here?"