The Message
Disclaimer: I don't own Dawson's Creek or any of the characters, I only wish I did!
Summary: A missing scene from season 6. Takes place after "Love Bites." P/J
Pacey lay frozen on the couch. He was glad that Jack was staying with his new boyfriend for the weekend, for a moment he was even glad that Emma had been forced to move back home to England, because it meant he could lay here deep in his depression without having to explain it to anyone.
It had been hours since he had gotten home. He hardly remembered how he had done it, luckily muscle memory had been enough to drive his car home and get up to the apartment. He had felt numb the whole way, only one thought reverberating in his head, she's gone.
Now, in the wee hours of the morning he was still where he had fallen, unable to stand under the pain of the loss of her any longer. He hadn't even been able to cry yet. His mind replayed their last conversation over and over. He had sensed her pulling away and grasped at her, trying desperately to cling to the one thing in his life that had ever made sense.
He had meant what he said, he was scared. Terrified even, because he knew without reservation that this was it for him, she was it. Even now, knowing she had not chosen him this time he still knew this one thing with utter and complete conviction. Joey Potter was it for him. If he never saw her again for the rest of his life he would never stop loving her, never stop loving her more and more with each passing day. He had fallen in love with her truly when he was 16 years old and hadn't stopped since.
He wasn't angry. Well, maybe at that Eddie guy, just for existing, but not at her. He had walked away from her first; he deserved it if she walked away now. He had been stupid to ever think that he, Pacey J. Witter, would ever really get a second chance at happiness. Hell, it had tested the limits of imagination and altered the universe that he had gotten a first chance with her, and he had blown it.
At least she had danced with him. If he closed his eyes he could remember just how she had felt in his arms. He had longed to close his eyes while they danced, longed to gather her against him as he had so many years ago at the disastrous event known as the Anti-Prom. But he had resisted this urge, knowing that if he allowed himself to get lost in the moment he would never ever let her go, and that would make it worse when she made him.
The phone rang, but he had no desire to answer it. He was too wrapped up in his own painful memories to even wonder who might be calling at 3:30 in the morning. It rang several more times and then the answering machine picked up.
Hey, you've reached Emma, Pacey and Jackers. You know what to do! His voice called out.
There was a beep and then silence. After a moment he heard her voice recording onto the machine.
Hey Pace, it's me.
He thought about answering, but couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew she wasn't going to tell him what he wanted to hear, that she was coming back to him, and he didn't think he could bear to hear her say that she wasn't going to be with him again. Instead he stayed frozen, listening.
Um, I guess you're not home. Maybe it's better this way, so I can just say everything and get it all out in the open.
He heard her take a deep breath and let it out, obviously nervous about what she was about to relay.
I guess I just wanted to tell you the truth. Ever since you left tonight I have been feeling so awful, awful thinking you might have walked out of my life completely and awful because I sent you away letting you believe my lies. So here it is, the truth.
I told you tonight that I didn't feel it, that whatever was happening between us wasn't something I wanted. But I did feel it Pace. I felt it so strongly that it scared me, just like you said. Ever since you kissed me I can't stop thinking about you. You always do that don't you? You always kiss me first and make me figure out what it all means.
She paused and he heard her give a short laugh. If his heart hadn't been breaking he would have cracked a smile too, remembering that first fateful kiss on the side of the road so very long ago.
This time though Pacey I already knew what it meant. God Pacey, I have never stopped loving you. I have never, never stopped. When you left at the end of our senior year you broke my heart and I had to put all that love for you into a place in my heart and mind where I couldn't see it or feel it, because Pacey it was killing me.
If I hadn't locked it away I would have died from missing you. I couldn't stop loving you so I locked it up tight. And when you kissed me again it just blew apart the locks that had already started to open again. I love you Pacey, more than I have ever loved anyone, even Dawson, and that scares me to death. It scares me because I now know what I didn't at 16 and that is just how badly it can hurt.
She paused again and he could hear a quiet sob coming from her end of the line. When she spoke again her tears filled her voice, and his own finally spilled over, running down his cheeks unchecked.
I can't hurt like that again Pace. When Eddie left, it hurt but not like that. I don't think anyone could ever hurt me the way you could. And I'm not blaming you, I'm not angry with you, it's just the truth.
When we started this thing you said you wanted a blank slate. You deserve that from me, we deserve that. I think if we were ever to figure this thing out we would have to have one. But as much as I want to give that to you, right now I can't. I want to but I can't.
Until I can do that Pacey, it isn't fair to either of us to go down this road. You told me once that just because love is true, it doesn't make it easy, and you were right. But right now isn't the time for us to face the rough patches. Right now, I have to find out more about me so that I can give you that blank slate you deserve someday.
The machine went silent, and for a moment he thought she had hung up. His cheeks were streaked with tears, but he felt as if there was an endless ocean of them still to come. She loved him, but she couldn't be with him and somehow that seemed more unfair than if she had just stopped loving him completely.
He was about to get up to replay the message when she spoke again. Her voice was now whisper quiet and he could hear the grief behind it, a sadness so deep it mirrored his own.
I love you Pacey J. Witter, I always will. I hope that someday I can give you what you deserve, that someday I can give you all of my heart again without reservation. And I hope that if that day comes you'll still want it. I'm sorry Pace, I'm so, so sorry.
He heard another beep, and then the automated voice of the answering machine came on. It was harsh on his ears after listening to Joey's voice.
To listen to your message press 1.
To rerecord your message press 2.
To save your message press 3.
To delete your message press 4.
There was a pause, and then the tone of a button being pressed.
Your message has been deleted.
To rerecord your message press 1.
To end this call press 9.
Another tone, and then the machine went quiet.
Pacey lay there thinking about what she had said for a long time. He knew why she had deleted the message, he probably would have too. Some things you had to say, but then once they were out there it was too hard to leave them hanging.
For a moment he wished he had never been home, never heard what she had to say. Then he decided that no, it was better to have heard it. Josephine Potter so rarely said exactly what she was feeling that it was worth it to hear the truth in her heart, even if it hurt more than he thought possible. And everything she said had been true. He had left her and broken the perfect trust between the two of them. Now, he would have to live with that.
Slowly he climbed from the couch and made his way up the stairs toward the bedroom. He would never tell her that he had heard that message, but he held tight to the secret hope that one day she might be able to love him back.