Title: Gone were the days
A/N: I got this idea out of no where… um it just kind of popped into my head when I was chatting with someone. Then I pondered on this idea for a little and then I came up with this. Okay, so I have an idea, and I have my computer right in front of me, so I thought 'I'm going to write this fic.' But now that I'm writing, I'm thinking, "Dude, this idea is a lot like Becky's fic. I am so un-original… maybe I should stop." But then I really don't want to, so I'm really sorry Becky, but can I borrow your idea pWEASE?? Tell me if you hate this story and I'll delete this right away! Really! And oh, btw, it can never be as great as your fic!!
Oh and yes, this is going to be a Carby fuzzy/fluffy fic. Hehee. Carby is too good to be true (don't even try and kill me Lubies… I have the powers that are granted from the mighty Carby. LOL) This is going to be written in Carter's POV and is going to be a stand alone.
The flashbacks are in bold italics.
Disclaimer: I always say the same thing, but I wish someday I could turn it around and actually go 'I own ER'… or at least Carter… or Abby… no? Okay, then how about Susan? Still no? Um… I'm really going for anything now, Luka? (I can beat the crap out of him and throw him in the dumpster) No? Okay… I'll even settle for Pratt… um… maybe not. Okay, so I'm back to nothing… I don't own anyone.
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The world did not change. People still walked, children still cried, cars still honk on the streets, dogs still bark… but something was missing. Her. I look around and see everything that I saw yesterday, except inside I knew that something was missing. I tried to push her out of my mind. But reality bites and my conscience will never let me forget what had happened. The denial was over. Then it all hit me at once. I could never run my hands through her hair again. Never get to look at her and tell her how pretty she was. Never could I gaze into her eyes and tell her I love her. I wouldn't ever see her again.
Today was a lovely spring day. The sun was shining brightly, its rays dancing around the city. The sky was bluer than I had ever remembered it to be. Smiles were plastered onto the faces of the people that pass me by. I'm just not in the mood to appreciate it. It all seemed to me as strangely phenomenal. It wasn't fair for her to be gone and leaving me alone in this all too cheerful place. I wish that the day was different. I wish it would suddenly convert from colors to a grayish blur to match my mood. Who cares if the weather is good? She wasn't here and that was all I care.
I promised her that I would save her. I tried my best. I thought I did save her, but I didn't. I let her go. I let her slip from my own hands. Whenever I close my eyes I see her frail frame lying on the hospital bed. I used to blame that bastard who shot her. But now…I blame myself. The strong face she put on until the last minute flows back to me. I heard her comforting whispers of "I'll be okay". I felt the graze of her fingertips on my flesh. I remember looking up and see her offer a weak smile. Then her eyes closed and I heard the sound that I dreaded. The world swirled and spun. I once promised that I'll save her no matter what. But promises are never fulfilled. I never managed to save her.
***
I walked out of the trauma room, flicking the gloves into the bin. Two girls had jumped into the river in the freezing cold, each wanting the same guy to save her. The guy chickened out and ran, leaving them freezing and drowning in the river. The whole incident seemed bizarre and left me feeling amused.
I walked into the hallway and saw Abby and Susan chatting and giggling over something outside the exam rooms. My eyes stayed transfixed upon Abby, seeing her laugh and smile like that just makes my day. Subconsciously, a smile spread across my face. I watched as she rolled her eyes, and gestured to Susan with her hands. Susan said something and she laughed; her cheeks red and radiant. A few wisps of golden hair fell from her ponytail onto her face, framing it perfectly. Her eyes turned a strange turquoise under the sunlight streaming through the windows. Her beauty drew me closer and closer to her. Unaware that I was walking, I closed up upon them. She looked fabulous, more like a goddess than anything. Hell, she is my goddess in scrubs.
"Look who's here, if not to be the next millionaire." Susan waved casually at me, eyeing Abby as if she was watching how Abby was going to react to my presence.
She smiled, pushing the hair out of her face and looked up at me. "Hi." She said, her voice was normal but it sounded ever so sexy to me. I looked at her and my smile spread, I was grinning like a total idiot by then.
Susan looked at us both, and let out a chuckle. "I'll leave you two lovebirds alone." She laughed. Then she turned to Abby and winked at her. "Ask him." She turned to me, smiling. "Good luck." She mouthed and left. Hell, what were they even talking about? All of the sudden, there were just the both of us.
"So…" I started, eyeing her wearily.
She looked up at me expectantly, waiting for my next sentence.
"… What were you even talking about?"
She smiled. "Susan and I were just talking."
"Which was about…?"
She started to walk to the reception area. "Nothing you would like to know."
"Try me." I said, going around a patient to avoid colliding into him. "I think I do want to know." I finished, grabbing her arm and pulling her into a deserted hallway.
She raised her eyebrows at me but said nothing.
"You have something to ask me?"
"What?"
"Susan said you did."
"Oh…" She smiled, remembering the question. "I…forget it, it's just stupid." She turned and started to walk. I reached out and pull her back.
"Carter." She began, pushing away from me. "What's up with you today?" She crossed her arms and looked up at me.
"Nothing. Tell me what the question is. I want to know."
"What? It's nothing. Susan just wanted to know if she and I fell into the river, which one would you save." She smiled at me and raised her eyebrows, she raised her arm and made a circle it the air. "Told you it was stupid." She laughed and walked out of the hallway. I followed her.
"It's not." I said, shaking my head ever so slightly as we reached the reception. She picked up the phone and started punching in numbers.
"Yeah?" She asked, covering the mouthpiece. She smiled mischievously. "So who would you save?"
"I don't know." I laughed. "Neither, I guess."
She looked at me, furrowing her brows. "What?"
"Why should I jump into the river when both of you know how to swim?" I grinned and crumpled up a piece of paper.
She gazed at me for a moment, and then smiled. "So much for asking you…"She trailed off as someone picked up the phone on the other side. "Hi, this is Abby Lockhart from County General's ER…"
For a moment, I just stood there looking at her talk into the phone and ignoring the weird looks the nurses shot me. I don't care less. I smiled as I saw her getting all worked up, practically shouting into the phone. I watched as she ran her fingers down her head in annoyance, undoing her ponytail. Little lines appeared on her forehead as she continued to shout into the phone as if she had temporarily forgotten where she was.
Somebody waved a hand at me, momentarily blocking my sight. "Carter?" It was Chuny. She threw a chart at me. "Major Trauma, ETA 2 minutes… stop staring at Abby, you'll see her when she gets off." She winked.
I shook my head at her, exasperated. "Stop going all Kerry-ish on me, Chuny."
"Couldn't help it, had been with her for too long."
I smirked and went out to the ambulance bay to wait for the patient.
It was then that I really thought of Abby's question. Who am I kidding? As much as I love Susan, of course I would save Abby. It makes me feel bad for thinking that, but at least it's true. If I lose Abby, I lose everything. And I'm sure Abby knows that too. Sometimes, you are just meant to know things without actually saying it out loud. Like the way I feel around her, and of course, the way I feel when I'm with her. Those are the things that are meant to be felt, but could never be put into words.
"Who would you save Carter? Me or Susan?" Her voice replayed in my mind.
"You." It was crystal clear. "I love you Abby." I murmured into the air, watching as my breath misted up in the air.
***
I trudged up the stairs leading to our apartment, not feeling my arms and legs. My heart felt heavy in my chest, and tears were bundled up in my body. The world changed in that split second that I lost her. I felt as though half of me had gone with her. I longed for her smile, her hug, her kiss… I longed for her. But she wasn't there for me. I could never hug her close and smell into her hair. I can never hear her sing again. Worse of all, I can never see her.
The key slid into the lock effortlessly and the door slipped open. I took a tentative step into the apartment, and was all too well reminded of her once presence in here. The apartment still smelt of her. Little bits, every tiny part of the apartment resembled her. The toothbrush that sat beside the sink, her clothes strewn across the floor, her half filled coffee mug placed on the table… I had to be reminded that she was there once, a living body.
I gazed around the apartment surveying the mess she made. It was messy, yes, but it felt right. I belonged here. In this apartment. With her. Now she was gone, and I'm instantly detached from our life.
I felt tired. All of my energy was washed out of my body. I sat down on the couch, thankful for a place to rest. A gust of wind blew from the window, chilling my bones. I had never felt this cold before. The seat beside me was bare, a hug empty space that couldn't be filled. I remembered there was a time when we two were sitting on this same couch, contented and happy. Those days were long gone, and it will never come again. Half- heartedly, I tore my gaze away from the empty seat next to me and looked at the pitch black screen of the television. My fingers reached out for the control and I turned the television on, hoping that it would momentarily distract me from my thoughts. I was wrong. It only reminded me more of her.
***
"Fear factor?" I said, wincing at the TV. It often struck me odd that people actually enjoy watching others stick their heads into a tank of spiders to get a couple hundred bucks. It was disgusting.
She smiled slightly, her eyes still trailed on the screen. "Whatever Carter. You never understand the beauty of reality television." She laughed, shaking her head, her eyes never leaving the television.
"If you call torturing people beautiful." I sat down next to her and leaned back. Automatically, I struck out my hand and wrapped it around her waist, pulling her closer to me. She huddles closer, her body pressing mine, her breath feeling warm and soothing against my neck. I gazed at the television distractedly, feeling great despite the grotesque scenes on the television. At that moment, I felt as though we were one body, inseparable, each depending on each other to survive. Needing each others support. Suddenly, her heart-beat became mine, and we shared one breath. Her mouth met mine, and an invisible bond held us together, stronger than anything in the world. It felt so right, so meant to be, that I wanted to propose right at that moment. But the kiss ended and suddenly we were two separate pieces again. I still love her, but the moment was gone.
I cupped her face with my hands, gazing deep into her eyes. She looked amazing without even trying to be, her inner beauty was radiating from her body. God, I love this woman. "I love you." I murmured dreamily, not realizing that I had said that out loud. At least that was the truth.
She smiled angelically at me. Really, she looked nothing more like an angel then. "I love you too." She murmured, making a normally cheesy phrase sound like music to my ears. She leaned forward and kissed me on the nose, then realized what she did and looked horrified for a second. Then she smiled and shook her head, turning towards the television and focusing on the screen once more.
"What?"
I panicked. What did I do wrong?
"What is it?"
She turned and glared at me. "You."
As great as she was, her acting sucks. As soon as she spat out that short sentence, her face broke into a smile.
It was contagious.
"I'm serious Carter. You made me miss half the show. Now I don't know who won. I was kind of hoping that it would be that cute guy." She looked at me and made a face. "You jealous?"
"No."
"You are."
"No, I'm not."
"Yes you are."
"No."
"Yes"
"No."
"Yes you are and you made me miss the show."
"No I'm not and would you please take a look at the VCR?" I said, pointing towards the machine. It was recording.
She turned and looked at me wondrously. "What?"
I shrugged. "I thought something might come up."
"You knew that this was going to happen?"
"Maybe."
Now she was looking accusingly at me. "You tried to seduce me?"
I blew that question off. "You should really get some sleep."
"There's no way I'm falling for that."
"What?" Then I stopped and smiled. "Abby, you look tired." I explained.
"Well, you try working double shifts and seduced by your boyfriend when you're watching TV."
"Now you're sounding all bitter."
"I am."
"Get some sleep." I held out my hand to her. "I promise I won't do anything to hurt you."
She looked at me and took my hand. "You think I would trust you?"
I nodded.
"You're wrong." She smiled and slammed the bedroom door at my face. "Get some sleep Carter." She yelled through the closed door.
***
It was getting late, the sun was setting. A day had passed without her by my side. I made it through a day without her.
I didn't know to be sad or proud. My mind is a jumbled up jungle of thoughts. Guilt, sadness, grief, depression, coldness overwhelmed my brain. But then I thought of the times I used to be with her and an odd satisfaction took over me. All of a sudden, I was happy. I even felt lucky. Lucky to have known her. And even luckier to have had the chance to love her.
I went into the bedroom and lay down, burying myself in the layers. Then I felt her presence, and saw her smiling at me. My soul mate, my goddess… my angel.
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Um… I'm not sure what that was all about. It just came to me and I got it on paper… if you call this paper. But whatever, please review and tell me what you think. PLEASE.
Btw Kerrie ß aha, there, I got your name right. Don't' you even dare you give my teensy lil' secret away! I'll seriously kill you. And yup fuzz is fluff… *does a famous Abby eye roll* You finally got the idea that you have spent way too many hours in the LOTR and Harry Potter section? So whadda ya say, will you register and go write your ass off and post a story here? No? Lol. And also, go check out Steph's fics. You know, Steph from our eh… math class? (I realized that out of the main subjects, math is the only class that we three share… are we the new three musketeers or what? Hee) à Go to my blog. (Couldn't help but do a little advertising) um… that's all. Oh and right, you'll always be Kerry the bitch and lesbian (no?) and head of my secret department in my heart. LOL…. Cheesy ol' me.
Carzie~*