She sat on the freezing cold bathroom floor with a knife in her hand and her legs spread out in front of her as tears came pouring down her cheeks. She closed her eyes as the pain came after the first slash. The scars had just barely healed and she was slashing them open again. The blood dripped down her legs and she bit her lip as she added another cut. Someone banged on the bathroom door and she jumped, making an extra, messier cut. One on her wrist, two on her legs. Three new cuts.
"Hermione? Mum says dinner's ready."
"Kay, I'll be down in a sec, Gin." Hermione said, forcing a smile. She grabbed a washcloth and ran it under cold water and cleaned her leg and wrist and the blood on the floor and hid it under the sink. She wiped her tears and put on her smile as she unlocked the door and left the bathroom, pretending nothing had happened.
"Hi, dear." Molly greeted her warmly and Hermione felt a stab of regret. She smiled and returned her hug before grabbing a clean plate and filling it with food. It didn't matter how much she ate. She was just gonna throw it all up again later. She pulled her shorts down nervously as she sat down next to Harry. He looked at her.
"Are you okay?" He asked quietly, squeezing her hand under the table. Hermione covered her hands with her sweater, that she stole from Harry, and nodded as she picked up her fork. She dug into her mashed potatoes, avoiding everyone's eyes. She listened to the idle conversation of her family as she stuffed her face with everything she could see. Soon everyone had left the table. Harry remained sitting next to her and waited for her to finish as he nibbled on his roll and slowly drank his bottle of butterbeer. Hermione slowly looked up and stared at him with her heavily black lined eyes.
"What?" She said as she pushed her plate away.
"What's wrong?" Harry asked with worried eyes and tried to pull Hermione close to him. She shook her head. He saw the pain and the lies in her big chocolate eyes.
"I'm fine, Harry. I promise." Hermione lied smoothly. She stood on her tip toes and kissed him on the cheek before running upstairs to the bathroom. She pushed the door open and sat down in front of the toilet. She shoved her fingers down her throat and out came Molly's dinner. Hermione felt bad doing it, she really did, but… She couldn't stop. When she was finally done, she wiped her mouth with her sleeve and flushed the toilet. She washed her hands and rinsed her mouth out before leaving the bathroom. She stood against the door for a minute with her hands behind her back. Hermione sighed and fixed a new smile on her face, but her eyes gave away her real feelings. She pulled her shorts down lower over her cuts and covered her hands with her oversized sweater. Someone came up from behind her and picked her up from around her waist. Hermione screamed.
"Hi, baby!" Draco said happily, setting her back down before he kissed her. She pulled back and smiled her first real smile all day. Her eyes lit up and she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him again.
"Hi, sweetheart," She said happily. "How are you?"
"Good! But I missed you today." He frowned slightly as he led her outside. They sat on the porch swing. "How are you, baby?" He asked, but his smile faded and he looked at her seriously. She narrowed her eyes at him and tilted her head to the side, her hair falling before her eyes.
"What's with the change of face?" She asked, turning fully to face him. He didn't answer.
"Harry said he was worried about you." He finally said, trying to pull Hermione close to him. She fought him and stood up.
"I'm fine! Why doesn't anyone understand that?"
"Because of that!" Draco answered, also standing up. He tried not to get angry with her, but he was beyond worried and scared. "You're getting so damn defensive and you're shutting everyone out! There's something wrong and you won't let us in! Hermione, I know you're strong, but I also know you're drowning. I need you to let us help you."
"No! Draco! I'm fine! There's nothing wrong!" She screamed at him.
"That's bullshit and you know it." Draco said quietly, trying to keep his cool.
"I'm fine." She whispered, looking at her feet.
"Why was there a bloody rag in the bathroom with a knife in it?" Harry asked quietly. He stepped out of the house and closed the door silently, before presenting the evidence. Hermione froze and looked up at him.
"I don't know." She murmured.
"Hermione, let me see your wrists." Harry said quietly. She backed away and hid her hands behind her back, biting her lip.
"It was her legs last time, remember?" Draco remembered, walking forward to Hermione. "Let me see your legs." He said softly. Hermione shook her head.
"No. There's nothing to see." She whispered, still backing up. Her eyes flared up as she stared at Harry and Draco. Someone came up from behind her and pulled her hands behind her back.
"Got her!" Ginny yelled. Harry and Draco ran to her and Draco took Hermione's hands in his gently, but firmly and pushed her sleeve up. They all gasped at the cuts that she had carved into the soft skin on her arm. They were covering her whole arm, and the most recent one was still slightly bleeding. Harry sat on the green grass and slowly and softly pulled her shorts up a little. There cuts over the nearly healed scars from before. Ginny let go of her sister's arms and looked at her with tears in her eyes. "Why?" She whispered.
"I want to feel something. Something real. For once in my life, I wanna feel something that you'd call real. I don't wanna be numb anymore." Hermione muttered, staring at her bare feet in the green grass. She sank to the ground.
"Why didn't you come and talk to us?" Harry said quietly, sitting in front of Hermione. "You know we're more than happy to listen. We want to help you. I don't wanna see you mutilate your wrist and your legs. I want to help you."
"I know you do, Harry. I just…"
"Don't give us that 'I don't need your help, I'm fine' bullshit, sissy." Ginny demanded, sitting down next to Harry. Draco sat next to Hermione and pulled her in his arms. She covered her hands again in her sweater before leaning into his chest and crying. It was the first time she had let herself fully succumb to her pain since… it… happened. It was nearly a year ago, but she still had the nightmares.
"I know you think you're weak, crying like this, but you're not, Hermione." Ginny said softly. "Crying is not a sign of weakness, baby, it's a sign that you've been too strong for too long." Picking up her sister's hand and kissing it.
"I don't know how to talk." Hermione admitted, wiping the tears from her eyes. "I don't know how to face what he did to me. I don't like crying. It makes me feel weak. The only way I can feel something and the only way I can deal with it is… this." She looked at the grass. "I hate it. I don't like mutilating my body and throwing up every little thing I eat. I hate having nightmares every night and I hate pretending to smile. I hate hiding from everyone and building my walls up higher and higher every time someone tries to break them down. I don't know how to let anyone in. I deal with everything by doing things that I can control. I can control the blood and the scars. I can control the bulimia. I can control it all. I hate when I lose control like I used to. I hated doing it again. It all got too much for me and I grabbed the knife and I cut myself again. I told myself it'd only be one time. But I kept doing it. It's an addicting thing to do. I've done both my arms and legs. You've seen them. I hate it. The cutting and the bulimia help me deal with he did to me. I can't explain it, but it does. It takes the emotional pain away and focuses on the physical pain that I do to myself. I can't explain it and I don't think you would understand." She sighed and looked at her hands. "I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I can't seem to stop."
"You've been throwing up everything?" Harry whispered. Hermione nodded silently and the tears once again began flowing from her broken eyes.
"I'm sorry." She whispered. Harry took his sister in his arms and held her while she cried.
"It's not your fault. We're gonna help you. We're gonna get you through this. I promise." He whispered soothingly in her ear. "Don't apologize. I know how the cutting feels. I know the addicting feeling." Hermione pulled away and looked up at him with wide eyes. Harry bit his lip and nodded, pulling up his sweater. She gasped at the scars covering his whole arm. She'd never noticed them before. How could she have missed it?
"I don't wanna go into it, but I know how the cutting feels. I know what it's like." He whispered.
"And I know how the bulimia goes… I know the feeling… I know the feeling of wanting to be in control of one thing in your life." Ginny whispered. Harry and Hermione stared at her. "It was about a year ago. I found the strength to stop about three months ago. It's hard to stop, I know. But you'll get through it." Ginny whispered. "And you'll get through it better than I can. You're stronger than me and you have your family to help you."
Hermione looked up at her little family.
"You're right. I can do this. I need your help." She smiled.
"You can sleep with me tonight." Ginny offered quietly, holding her sister's hand in her own. "I'll keep the nightmares away!" She promised, smiling. "And… No more knives or scissors or anything as such, darlin'. All are gone!"
"And I'm hiding all the sharp objects in my house." Harry added. "But you know my door's always open. Don't worry about waking me up. I'll happily wake up and stay with you as long as you need me." He promised, smiling. "You have the key to my house, too, so don't hesitate to come in the middle of the night and break the door down."
"You know I'm always at your service. If you need to stay the night… you're always welcome." Draco smiled. "And I'm also coming over to your house to hide all the sharp objects." He added.
"I can do this. I can do this. I can do this." Hermione chanted, grinning. "I love you."
-two weeks later-
The light of her cell phone blinded Hermione as she picked it up and unlocked it, holding the knife steady in her hand, hovering over her wrist. She found Harry's number.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't do it. Please. She typed with shaking hands.
Because I love you and I don't wanna see you hurt. Harry replied quickly. Hermione put the knife to her wrist and sliced it. Blood poured down her arm.
I can't do this anymore. I can't. She kept the knife in her hand, crying as it hovering over her now bloody wrist.
Yes, you can. I believe you. I love you. You can do this. Put the knife down. Harry's response was fast.
Yes, but maybe this one time, I'm not. I don't know when I go so weak. Hermione dropped the knife and picked up the scissors
No, you're not. You're the strongest girl I know. The strongest person I know. His words made her cry even harder.
Harry… I can't do this. She slashed the scissors across her wrist.
Yes, you can. I love you. Brother and sister forever. Best friends forever. I love you. Brother and sister forever. Only death can separate us. I believe in you. I know you can do this. I love you. You can do this. Focus on me. Focus on us. Think of how much you mean to me. Think of how much I mean to you. You mean the world to me. I'd do anything for you. I love you. I'll never leave you. At Harry's words, she dropped the scissors then vanished them with her wand. She grabbed the gauze she kept in her drawer and wrapped it around her wrist. She grabbed the keys from the table by the door and threw Draco's jacket on. She walked out and jumped into her car and turned her music on. It was midnight, but she turned the music all the way up and sped out of her neighborhood. She pulled smoothly into Harry's house and found the key on her keychain and unlocked the door with shaking hands. She didn't bother being quiet as she walked in.
"Harry!" She yelled from the living room, beginning to head toward the stairs. Harry ran out of his room in his boxers and hid his surprise quite well as he pulled his sister into his arms. She wrapped her arms around him and broke down. He sat down with her in the hall and held her close to him until she was able to talk. She pulled away from her brother and pulled up the sleeve of her sweater.
"It was only two. That last text you sent me… I Vanished the knife and the scissors."
"Did you eat today?"
"Yes. I had chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and Draco made me an egg and bacon sammich for lunch." She said.
"Did you throw it up?"
"No. But I wanted to."
"But you didn't." Harry confirmed. Hermione nodded. Harry pulled her up.
"Let's get you some food." He said. "Just let me go put some clothes on and we'll go get some cheeseburgers, yes?" He backed into his room, smiling at his sister.
"Sure." She said, trying to smile. Harry nodded at her and disappeared in his room for only a couple minutes. He took Hermione's hand in his and they walked out of the house. Harry locked the door while Hermione started the car and turned her music down.
"Where do you wanna go, big brother?" Hermione asked, a small smile playing at her lips.
"Hmmm.. It's one in the morning. What's open?"
"Taco Bell?" Hermione suggested. Harry laughed.
"Sure. Taco Bell it is." He grabbed Hermione's hand. "You're not gonna throw it up, are you?"
"No, I won't." She promised.
"Promise?"
"Pinky promise, big brother." They linked pinkies.
-six months later-
"Hermione, dear, I'm so proud of you." Molly said happily, bringing Hermione into her arms. "I'm so, so proud of you."
"Thank you, mum." Hermione replied, smiling as she held onto Molly. They pulled apart and Hermione pulled down her sunglasses. Molly kissed Hermione's cheek and walked off. Draco picked up Hermione up and twirled her around. She laughed freely and kissed him.
"Words cannot explain how proud I am of you." Draco said against her smiling lips. "Nor can they explain how much I love you." He kissed her.
"Thank you, sweetheart." Hermione replied, her smile growing. "I love you, too."
"HERMIONE!" Ginny and Harry yelled. Hermione ran a hand through her hair and smiled as her brother and sister ran toward her with open arms. She ran to them and jumped into their arms.
"We're SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO proud of you. Like, you have no idea." Ginny said happily.
"Yeah, all the late nights were worth it." Harry added.
"We love you so much, sissy."
"I know." Hermione smiled. "I don't know what I'd've done without you." They broke apart and she took their hands in hers and smiled at them.
"You'd've been pretty much screwed." Ginny laughed, squeezing Hermione's hand.
"Yeah, pretty much."
"You're too young to be so jaded and cynical. You're too young to be this broken." Harry said. Hermione laughed.
"I know, but.. I'm better. I'm better and… I can really smile now. My heart can really beat and…" She smiled. "I'm not scared to wear tanktops anymore. I'm not scared of people seeing my scars. They're not gonna go away, but I'm not gonna add to them. I wanna be happy. And… for the first time in a long time, I am happy."
"And that's why I'm proud of you!" Ginny smiled.
"I love you. So much." Hermione said to her family as she leaned into Draco's warm embrace. "You saved my life. All of you."
"We'll keep you alive, too. You're not leaving us. Ever." Draco said, kissing her cheek.