Goodbye

- Summary: Martha's thoughts at the end of "The Last of the Time Lords".

- Spoilers: Doctor Who Season 3, especially "The Last of the Time Lords".

- Beta: Asano from "A Teaspoon and An Open Mind", a DW fanfiction archive.

This wasn't going to be easy. This was going to be incredibly difficult indeed.

Martha would have almost preferred walking the earth again, spreading the Doctor's name and legend than to do this.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, not farewell, she was firm on that. She would make him understand that, get the notion through his thick alien skull. She didn't know how yet, but she would. She had to. For his sake, and for hers.

She saw her mother looking through the window, probably at the TARDIS that was parked across the street.
Martha knew she was still deeply shaken. All her family was, even Theo, who while he had no memory of the events could tell that something was terribly wrong with the family.
It would take months to get them back to a semblance of normality and if someone could help them through this ordeal, it was herself. She had always been the reasonable one, the stable one, doing her best to appease the conflicts and to rationalise the sometimes insane ideas and projects.

It meant she couldn't travel with the Doctor. But not only for the months it would take for her family to heal. She felt she couldn't travel with him anymore, not in the way she had been.

Far from the Doctor, for those long bleak months of the Year That Wasn't, away from the whirlwind of wonderful discoveries and adventures that had been her time with him so far, she had begun to think. Really think.

While she trod the devastated countries of her planet, trying to stay alive, speaking only of him, of what he had done for humanity, for other races, of what he was capable of, she had come to realise she had become like her friend Vicky.

That had deeply shaken her. She was Vicky and he was Shaun and she was going to waste her life waiting for him to realise that she more than admired him. So much more.

True, he cared for her, he worried for her, she thought he probably even liked her, but he would never love her, not in the human way that she needed. Maybe he was too alien for that. Maybe the loss of Rose was still too near for that.

One day she would be too old to run as fast as she needed to escape the ever-so-present angered locals and he would have to take her back to Earth and choose another younger and fitter companion. Oh, he never said as much, never even hinted at it – but she wasn't an idiot. He was nine hundred years old, and he'd travelled with humans before. It was like Peter Pan and Wendy; eventually the story had to have its ending.

And when it did, she would have nothing left but regrets and bitterness.

That wasn't the life she wanted for herself. It wasn't what she'd driven herself to accomplish through all those years of hard work.

She knew – she hoped – she could begin anew far from the Doctor's presence. She'd keep what he'd taught her about herself and the universe, but she had to move forward alone. It was her path, and no one else's.

Martha looked at the blue box on the other side of the street and felt like a coward for the umpteenth time since she had made her decision and told her family about it.

It seemed she was abandoning the Doctor at the worst moment possible.
He had spent a year on the brink of death, bearing all kinds of humiliations, watching the race he loved so much destroyed by another of his kind. Another he had unknowingly helped, and had been unable to stop.

And he had lost him: the only other Time Lord in existence.

She vividly remembered his despair, his pain, and his tears as he held the body of the Master in his arms. They had been sworn enemies but the Doctor had mourned him like a brother.
Martha had never imagined she would see him like this, so utterly undone, with all his carefully constructed walls tumbling down under the unbelievable weight of his loss.

For a short while he had known he wasn't alone in the universe and even if it was an enemy who had been the other survivor of Gallifrey, Martha had seen the difference in him.
She had seen that light of hope in his eyes. Even if the Master was insane, the Doctor had made his life out of helping people. He'd kept on trying to reach out to the Master, trying to get him to see that all they had left was each other, and that he needed someone to remember Galiffrey with. Someone to grieve with. Someone who would understand. Someone who could maybe give him a meaningful absolution.

But now he was once again the last Time Lord in the universe and she was going to let him travel alone.
Martha loathed the idea because she had watched those walls of his building up again, stronger than before and more impenetrable.

She knew she was going to worry about him. She also knew, deep down, that a part of her heart would always belong to him, no matter what she did with her life. But she had already chosen the Doctor over her family and her life once. Now was the time to reverse her choice, make a new life here, on Earth. She was going to try for a new beginning.

Unbidden, Thomas Milligan's face came to her mind.

She had been so shocked when she had realised that she had developed feelings for him despite the bleary circumstances of their meeting. Even if she had been concentrated on her mission, she had still noticed he was handsome, intelligent and brave.

Maybe it was the way he had been looking at her that had done it. He had really seen her. Granted, she had been the legendary Martha Jones then, but still…
Of course he had to get himself killed, the way brave young men usually did. This path was definitely closed.

Or was it?

Martha stopped dead in her tracks as she was exiting the house with laden feet.

Wait, wait… the Year That Never Was… all the people who were dead during that time weren't now because time had gone backwards… So Thomas Milligan was still alive somewhere, wasn't he?
Where did he say he had been working before the Toclafane arrived? Did he say it? No, no, only that he had used to be in paediatrics.
She immediately crossed out the Royal Hope Hospital. She would have remembered Thomas if he had been working there.

Martha took out her mobile from her pocket, slightly hesitating. This was madness, what she was about to do. But was it madder than some of the things she had done with the Doctor?

Something made her choose St Thomas' Hospital, probably because the doctor and the hospital bore the same name.
When the operator answered, she asked for the hospital phone number. She opened the house door and stepped outside as she waited to be connected.

"Yeah, could you put me through?"

She barely noticed she was in the middle of the street when someone answered "St Thomas' Hospital" in a tired voice.

"Hi, I'm looking for a Dr Thomas Milligan," she immediately said before she could hang up because really, this was insane.

Her heart jumped in her throat when she heard the familiar voice. He existed, he was alive!

She realised that she was going to answer and stopped herself before saying or doing something really stupid. What could she say to him? "Hello, we met in a time that never happened, do you remember me?"
She knew he was here, that was more than enough. For now. There was the possibility of applying to switch her internship over to St Thomas.

Smiling to herself, Martha hung up and found herself in front of the TARDIS's doors.

It was the first time that she dreaded to enter but she did, like she was going into battle. She had to do this.

As soon as the Doctor spotted her, he began talking at his usual fast pace, seeming to set the console in a whirlwind of movements.

"Right then! Off we go. The open road! There is a burst of starfire right now over the coast of Meta Sigmafolio. Oh, the sky is like oil on water. Fancy a look? Or back in time. We could… I don't know, Charles II? Henry VIII? I know, what about Agatha Christie!"

Oh god, she was going to miss him terribly. The feeling was like a blow in her chest and she felt tears welling up in her eyes. She had promised herself she wouldn't cry.

"I'd love to meet Agatha Christie, bet she's brilliant!"

She knew he had noticed her expression the moment his enthusiastic tone died out and his face matched hers, becoming grave.
The change in his mood was so abrupt that she wondered with a pang if he had known all along she had come to say goodbye. Maybe she wasn't the first of his travelling companions to do this.

The look in his eyes as they gazed at each other and his next word, softly whispered, confirmed her suspicions.

"Okay."

She had to try and make him understand why she was leaving him.

"I just can't," she said, forcing herself to smile a little, for him.

"Yeah."

She groped for the right words.

"I've spent all there years training to be a doctor and now I've got people to look after. They saw half the planet slaughtered and they're devastated. I can't leave them."

She wished that he'd look at her.

"Course not," he just said and then he looked up and held her eyes and it was like all the good times spent with him came back to her in a flash. Maybe the same thing happened for the Doctor because she saw him smile slightly at the same time she did.

Then the Doctor said those two words he had often said to her, the two words that couldn't replace the three she had yearned to hear but that were precious anyway because they were sincere: "Thank you."

She didn't know who had stepped forth first or who held their arms out first but she found herself in the Doctor's embrace, in that special hug that only he gave. She wished she had his extraordinary memory to engrave that moment forever in her mind. The smell of him, the feeling of his back under her hands, the thumping of his two hearts against her.

When he pulled back, Martha knew all the walls were back up again by his tone of voice. She suspected he was doing it for her, to ease her leaving.

"Martha Jones, you saved the world."

"Yes, I did." She decided to play his game, to act as if it wasn't hurting her to say goodbye.

"I spent a lot of time with you thinking I was second best but you know what? She poked him in the chest. "I am good."

Her trick must have worked because the Doctor smiled.

"You going to be all right?" she heard herself saying even if she had sworn to herself she wouldn't ask that question because she knew it would never be truthfully answered by the man in front of her. His next words, said in a casual tone, proved that to her.

"Always, yeah."

"Liar" she wanted to say but she only nodded instead, like she believed him. It would be easier on him. And easier on her too because if he had answered otherwise, she didn't want to imagine what she would have done.

It seemed nothing was left to be said and Martha knew it was time to leave.

She had intended to say something heartfelt and beautiful, she even remembered rehearsing something back in the house but all she said was:

"Right, then… bye."

Before her mind could take on what her body was doing, she was giving the Doctor a quick peck on the cheek.
She decided she didn't want to look at him after that and left as quickly as her feet would allow her, grateful for his silence but refusing to wonder what it meant.

"It's done," was all she could think as she closed the doors behind her, taking a deep breath in the fresh air outside.

But instead of feeling relieved, she felt guilty. She had lied to him. She hadn't given him the real reason for her staying back on earth. She had taken the easy way out.

The Doctor deserved the truth.

Martha stopped dead in her tracks, turned resolutely back and entered the TARDIS again, ignoring that little voice in her mind that told her that maybe she was driven by her own need for closure, not his.

She started to speak immediately, not wanting him to say anything because she knew she wouldn't have the nerve to see it through if he did.

What came out of her mouth wasn't really what she had expected but not entirely surprising. Vicky had been in her thoughts, after all. Maybe it would be easier to hide behind a parallel.

"Cause the thing is, it's like my friend Vicky. She lived with this bloke, student housing, there were five of them, all packed in, and this bloke was called Shaun. And she loved him, she did, she completely adored him, spent all day long talking about him…"

"Is this going anywhere?" he interrupted. Martha vaguely noticed he looked puzzled but couldn't spare the time to stop, so intent was she on explaining everything before the courage ran out.

"Yes," she simply answered, irritated by the interruption.

Maybe he realised that whatever she needed to say was important because he assumed his "I'm listening intently" face and pose.

"Cause he never looked at her twice," she resumed, glancing pointedly at him.
She was starting to doubt her idea and wondered if he would understand her parallel. He wasn't human after all, who knew what kind of feelings he was capable of. He looked down but she didn't know what it meant. Did he understand where she was going with this?

"I mean, he liked her, that was it. And she wasted years pining after him, years of her life, cause while he was around, she never looked at anyone else!"

At this the Doctor looked up, submitting her to his laser-like gaze. Maybe…

"And I told her, I always said to her, time and time again, I said, "Get out".

Martha saw him nodding. Her heart accelerated. Did he…? Did he understand?

"So this is me… getting out," she finished, as drained as she had run a marathon.

She caught his eyes again and she knew. She knew that he knew. Knew that she wasn't leaving because the last year had been incredibly hard and she was fed up with the dangers of travelling with him and she had her family to take care of. She was doing this because she loved him too much and maybe not now, but one day, it would destroy her.

Now she had to make him know that it wasn't farewell, and that she wasn't putting him out of her life forever. That same little voice also whispered that maybe she just wanted to make sure she would see him again one day, because she couldn't imagine her life completely without him.

Super phone! He would be able to call her wherever or whenever he was in the universe.

She threw it at him and he caught it by reflex.

"Keep that. Cause I'm not having you disappear! If that rings, when that rings, you'd better come running, got it?"

"Got it," the Doctor said and she smiled. She could leave.

As she headed for the doors, she started to doubt again. Had he really understood what she meant, that she wasn't giving him her phone on a whim?

"I'll see you again, mister," she firmly said, as a promise, because it was one. No matter when or how, she would see him again. She tried to convey her certainty of that in her eyes.

This time she was sure he understood because he really smiled and her heart felt lighter.

She exited the TARDIS again, this time feeling really relieved. Yes, she could go on now, start a new life.

She told herself that if she quickly walked towards her parents' house it was only because she couldn't wait to assure them that she was going to stay and not because she didn't want to hear the whoosing of the TARDIS – and the Doctor - leaving.