1 Samuel 17
Once upon a time, the Philistine army, once again, declared war on Isreal. Last time, it was because an Isrealite used one of the Philistine sheep as a tampon, therefore making the sheep unusable by the Philistine's as a sex toy, I mean come on, they have some standards. This time, on the other hand, it was because an Isrealite had been shitting in the Philistine toilets, as he didn't want to 'stink out' his community with his bowel problematic, lactose intolerant shits. Thats right, the one now named 'The Phantom Shitter' was the king of the Isrealites.
For the war, the king and his Isrealite army set up camp on the opposite side of the valley to the Philistines. "You smelly fucker!" A fellow Isrealite said to the king as he left the communal toilets. The Isrealite lived near the toilets and was furious at the king. "Excuse me my lord, but may you take a shit somewhere else?" The king replied honestly; "I wish I could, I really do. But, I can't spill my bowels anywhere else as the whole area is guarded by this guy me and some others have called 'Goliath'... Its a sort of 'you have to be there kinda' thing'..." Ofcourse, everyone had a reason to be scared of the Goliath, in his life time he had killed 4 chickens and contributed to scaring away a goat. The Jews hadn't seen such might before. The Isreal looked at the king with a pissed off face, he shook his head and proceeded to his hut. "Wait!" The king shouted, "I didn't catch your name!". "David, my lord." The Isreal shouted back and carried on walking to his hut. "Stop!" The king shouted, "do you have a wife?" David sighed and said "yeah... She's in the kitchen... If you wish to talk to her, just go there... She's always there." Then they separated.
The next day, the ugly-mother fucker Goliath came out of his valley-side cave to mock the Isrealites for forty days. He was over nine feet tall, dangerously obese and smelt like ten tonnes of shark shit mixed with a little bell cheese and vaginal sweat... Basically he stunk really bad. For each of the forty days, Goliath showed up outside David's house and bellowed his utter bollocks to the Isrealites. He commented on the Isrealites' enormous noses and wishes of greed, but this is a biblical story so those who mocked God's followers were pretty much the bad guys everytime. Each day David got more and more pissed off. On the last few days, the Goliath decided that he was going to home in on David's attention span and wriggle his two-foot cock outside his hut's door, thinking that David was inside getting even more infuriated. He was wrong, about David being inside that is, because David was kipping at the King's house, they had grown really close over the past few weeks. David awoke and saw the snake-activities going on at his house. He held his furiousity in for a while, as the king was still asleep, and he respected their relationship enough not to disturb him in his dreams. But then, he let out a loud shriek when he noticed his wife, staring at the cock through his hut's window, mesmorised, she had escaped from her kitchen chains and was staring out the window, which really ticked David off.
"Fuck this shit!" David shouted, waking the king up. "What, what?" The king blurted. David looked deep into the king's eyes and whispered, "my lord, do you give me permission to kill this mother fucker?" The king nodded, "ofcourse, as long as you take a few men with you and kill the whole Philistine army." David stood and raised his right arm in the air. "In the name of our lord and saviour, Allah!" The king peered at him, "you mean God... -_-" David looked bamboozled for a while, he was quite slow, growing up in Isreal 'n' all. "Oh yeh..." He grabbed his sword, spear, javelin, crossbow and cannon. He ran towards his hut with his weapons and started setting up his equipment. The Goliath saw David and completely shat himself, he grabbed and broke off the roof off David's hut and tries to shield himself with it. David's wife also saw David and ran back into the kitchen and strapped herself back to the bondage that kept her prison in the kitchen, and pretended that she wasn't staring at Goliath's muscular cock. She wanted to watch the fight, but David had blocked all the windows and all light from getting into the kitchen so that she doesn't get distracted when engaged in her culinary activities. David held his cannon and knew that it held enough power to crush the Goliath through the roof. Goliath got ready for true and instant death. He heard the sound of cranking sounds, drifting through the wind, then, after a long, tension-full pause he heard a small tap on the surface of the roof. The Goliath was baffled, he glared over the top of his giant shield and saw David holding a sling he had stolen off a small child he raped earlier. The ground rumbled as the Goliath dropped the roof and burst out laughing. David was ashamed and humiliated, the Goliath was bellowing aloud and slightly pissed himself. David began to weep, he threw down his slingshot and ran away. What he didn't know is that the slingshot hit the cannon and fired the heavy boulder.
After the loud explosion, David turned around and saw Goliath's head, resting on the floor. He grabbed it by the hair and ran to the king. "Look my lord!" David exclaimed, "it is thy head of the Goliath!" The king smiled and said to David, "go and tell the Isrealites that you have slayed the beast, and that they must go over the hills and fight... Oh and just leave this head with me..." David nodded and ran outside to spread the good news. Meanwhile, the king was peering from left to right, checking for any intruders, then, his stuck his quivvering cock inside the severed head's open wound at the neck. He began moving it up and down for a while, he deeply swallowed continuesly and jerked his head forwards and backwards. He then used one hand to force the head up and down his shaft, so that he could use the other hand to caress his erect nipples. He did this for a while until suddenly he heard the sound of someone nearby. He pulled the head off his penis and began wiping the blood and flesh off of it. Still wiping, he looked out of his window. It was David's wife, slyly chopping the penis off the dead Goliath's body. She quickly chopped and then yanked it off when it was held on by its last veins, then ran inside. The slamming of the door was soon followed by the sound of squelches and pleasure.
On the other side of the settlement, David and his crew were rounding up some hoes to go and kick some Philistine booty. He rounded up some other Jews of the camp together and provided them with some weapons and armoury. They stood strait, in lines with those cute Jew hats on, waiting for David's orders. After saying goodbye to their wives, and forcing their children to fight with them, David screamed "Jews Ho!" And they ran over the hill. They were screaming battle cries and launching their javelins into the Philistine camp. Only a couple Philistines were killed by the wave of javelins, and the others ran to the edge of the ocean. David and his army ran around, slaying everyone in the settlement, besides women and sheep, as they could be put to good use as sex slaves in the Isreal camp. Blood was splurting everywhere, the Philistines didn't even attack back, they seemed like they weren't ready at all. Heads rolled everywhere. Screams of fear and laughter flooded the valley. Then, to finish the mass slaughter, David cornered the Philistine king and pointed his javelin to his neck. "Please! Stop!" The king shouted, "please, I'll do anything!" David raised his eyebrows and fiendishly said; "Anything?" The king gulped, "errr, ye-yea..." David lowered his weapon and raised another. He began ploughing the king against the wall and was pleased with what he had done for God that day.