Disclaimer: absolutly nothing to me. It must feel cool to win Tony's though, so I wish!
(this is from when this musical was more relevant. I posted this on ao3 but not here, but I still do like this musical so why not).
English is not my first language.
He's Come To Get Me.
It is easy to forget that Connor and him weren't actually friends. Only Jared knows the truth. It is easy to lose himself in the thought of Connor.
He never really talked with him. He wondered about him, sometimes; because he was the brother of the girl he crushed, but aside of a few glances or some concerned thoughts, the fact is that Evan never really cared to see Connor when he was alive.
It is an awful feeling, it makes him feel sad, he wasn't the only one unseen.
Of course he wasn't. Of course. But he never thought he would be involved in something like this.
He doesn't know why he likes to think about him so much. About the what ifs. What if Connor and him were actually friends? Would Connor even like to be friends with someone like him? But then, he remembers Connor signing his cast and he is a bit hopeful. He looked nice enough at first, before reading his sister's name. The conversation wasn't as bad as it could go when Evan is concerned, and that was nice.
It was nice, for a moment.
If Connor were alive right now, would he'd like to be Evan's friend?
He isn't particularly proud of himself. He knows he shouldn't think about him this way, and it feels awful to give a win to Jared, even though Jared doesn't know because he would never tell him, but he can imagine Connor vividly. His messy hair and his lanky figure and his sad eyes. It's easy to imagine how he would act on him, or well, how would the imaginary Connor of his letters would act.
That thought sends chills to his spine, but he pushes them aside.
"Thank you, Evan. Thank you for not letting them forget me." He would say.
"You think so? You deserve to be remembered, Connor."
Connor would kiss him dearly, softly at first.
Evan feels guilty, because his only experience of a kiss was with Connor's very same sister. But he pushes the thought aside, because he can deal with the guilt after he's done, like he always does. Evan will enjoy the kiss for this moment. He would tuck a strand of hair behind Connor's ear, trying to not freak out at Connor's kisses, but melting inside at each touch.
Connor's hands would massage his neck while kissing him, and Evan would hold Connor by his hair and maybe tug it a little, enjoying the little grunts Connor would make. The kiss would turn heated and fast and messy and Evan would feel he can't get nearly enough of it. He would want to take more and more of him and when he realizes, Connor would be undressing him and Evan would be eager to do the same but too anxious to move his hands far from his hair, and Connor would take his hands and teach him where to touch and how to touch and everything would be alright. And Evan could learn to trace his feelings in Connor's skin, timidly using his mouth to mark in his skin the feelings he couldn't said out loud.
Connor's hands would travel all his body while kissing him, strong and steady but sweet, moving fast and touching everything they could grab but still not feeling fast enough for all of Evan's needs. Evan would grow needy of Connor's attention, greedy of his presence. And Connor would kiss his neck, his chest, his neck again; and his hands would finally touch him where he is aching, and Evan would feel like burning, burning, burning, but Connor would keep him grounded. Connor would shush him and quiet his concerns with his kisses, with his touches, with his voice.
Evan's hands would be nervous, too nervous even with all Connor's encouragement, and they would shake slightly but he wouldn't stop and Connor wouldn't mind, he would let him to take his time and Evan would learn everything he teaches him as fast as he can, learning how to make Connor feel good because he wants Connor to feel good, he wants Connor to feel good, he wants Connor to feel good...
Evan sobs a little in this moment, but the fantasy doesn't end, because then Connor would maybe clean his tears and and shush him again and encourage him to keep going, because they're so close and he wants to see Evan coming undone, he tells him so,
"You look so beautiful like this, you're so good for me, Evan,"
and Evan moans loudly because he wants to be with him so much it hurts.
It almost hurt the way Connor is touching him right now, rough and hard and fast, his hand moving on him fast and ruthlessly, but Connor would just feel overwhelmed, and it feels good, it feels good, it feels good to be ended on Connor's hands, and it doesn't stop until Evan finally came with Connor's name in his lips.
When Evan opened his eyes he was alone in his room, his eyes full of tears and his heart full of guilt.
If Connor were alive right now, would he'd like Evan?
And I see him come to get me.
He's come to get me.
And everything's okay.