Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach
Warning: Slightly Perverse.
Date Doctor
By annyenil
"Er……that……er……"
"Abarai-san, I am sure you did not come here just to say 'er', correct me if I am wrong." The large man sat up on the rooftop, his eyes twinkling with mischief and his brown hair fluttering in the afternoon sun. His lifted his straw hat a little, just enough to wink at a horrified Abarai Renji.
"Hai……er……Kyoraku Taichou……could you please instruct me on how to behave with the social graces of the high society?" Renji blurted out, his face now a shade resembling his hair.
"Aye, aye. This is very interesting. Abarai fukutaichou, tell me, why are you suddenly interested in such a thing, and why have you sought me, a ragged flaneur of the countryside in a pink flowery haori?"
"Because……I……er……" Renji stuttered, "I……er……asked Hinamori-san to help me……and she asked Ise fukutaichou who said that I should……er……ask you, sir."
"I see. So this is a subject difficult to broach. But I will not help you unless you reveal to me your ulterior motive for such a strange request." Kyoraku Shunsui was in an excellent mood that day, and that meant he would do anything to seek entertainment from everyone around him. Joy! Such joy that a different target than his lovely Nanao-san was brought to him. He chewed on the end of a speck of dandelion, grinning and savouring the moment of awkwardness from his latest victim.
Damn it. Nanao-san never said anything about how to handle her Taichou. I couldn't possibly hit him on the head with a fan, can I? Besides, I only have Zabimaru. Abarai Renji was in a dilemma. He had not planned on telling anybody else the true reason for his strange behaviour. Everybody had simply assumed that he was tired of being the rogue kid from Rukongai with a big heart and a big mouth.
"Tick-tock, tick-tock." Shunsui raised an eyebrow. He figured it must have been a really embarrassing thing to keep the hot-blooded Sixth Division fukutaichou so covert and unmanly. Must be the lovely Byakuya-san. I wonder what he had done again. Shunsui suppressed a chuckle.
"Hai……er……you see, Kyoraku Taichou, Rukia-san……Rukia-san is going to a dinner with the…… the Kuchiki clan. And she……she……needed an escort. So I……I……er……" Renji could no longer continue. His face was the colour of pig liver, such a dark shade of maroon that Shunsui hypothesized he would burst into flames or explode.
Shunsui chuckled, "I see your problem. You want me to teach you how to deal with high class people, and how to be a ladies' man?"
"Er……yes. I mean no. I mean yes……the high class part. But not the……other part……"
"Oh yes!" Shunsui casually slapped a hand to his forehead, "How could I have forgotten. You are not a ladies' man, are you, Abarai-san? You are the lady's man."
"No, no, no. Kyoraku Taichou. That was not what I meant!" Renji was quick to rectify the assumption, even though he secretly grinned in his heart.
"Did I hear someone mention my subordinate?" A weak but sturdy voice asked, accompanying footsteps up to the roof. Renji gulped.
"Uki…Ukitake Taichou! Rukia-san……we were just saying……"
Ukitake Jyuushirou chuckled and coughed a little. "Care to fill me in, Shunsui?"
"Ah. Abarai-san was just telling how he is going on a high-class date with your certain very cute officer, and how he has no idea how to stop acting like a hooligan." Shunsui finished with a flourish resumed his recumbent position to make space for Ukitake on the roof.
"Taichou! I advise that the three of you quickly descend from the ceiling immediately or our headquarters is going to collapse!" A flustered Ise Nanao yelled from inside the office.
Shunsui sighed. "My lovely Nanao-san has spoken. Let's head inside for some tea, shall we?" With a wave of the hand, the two visitors were ushered into the tatami room of the Eighth Division. Tea was promptly served. Renji took the cup and slurped a mouthful, nearly spitting out the boiling hot liquid. He choked and coughed. "Renji-san, you don't have to cough to make me feel at home." An amused Ukitake said, coughing a little himself.
"All right. I shall impart you all that I know, seeing as how my dear Jyuushirou-san is here and I feel obliged to be nice. Besides, Jyuu encourages his subordinates to foster strong friendships."
"I do?"
"Of course you do. You told me that you'd approve of Abarai-san here and your kawaii Rukia-san if he would stop shouting whenever he visited your division office."
"I did?" Ukitake was having words put into his mouth.
"I did?" Renji was surprised by his unknown idiosyncrasy.
"Of course you did. Now, listen up. The first very important thing, is to ensure that you have your zanpakutou tucked away very neatly. You wouldn't want to scare the girls or the family off, would you?"
"Indeed. Last time, I recalled Kiyone coming back from a date with Hanatarou complaining that he had dropped his scalpel on her feet and scared off everyone at the restaurant."
"Oh no, Jyuu. That was not what I meant……but very well. Do you understand me, Abarai-san?"
"But……but Rukia-san had seen my zanpakutou long ago!"
"She had? That is very advanced development between you too. Jyuu, you better make sure none of other subordinates are being so open. Goodness……this early?"
"I am sorry, Kyoraku Taichou, I don't quite get you. Many people had seen my zanpakutou……haven't you?"
"I would prefer not to. Jyuu and I have a very close relationship. But even we do not flaunt our zanpakutous around. Abarai-san, you are one very brave man."
"Renji-san, what Shunsui means is that……"
Renji suddenly grew very red.
Jyuushirou and Shunsui burst into laughter.
"All right, now. Lesson two. Keep your hands to yourself."
"I am not going to-" Renji interjected, not wanting to be deemed a pervert.
"What are you thinking, Abarai-san? I meant, keep your hands to yourself and not wave them everywhere. I have noticed that you have the tendency to knock into things. It would be most wise to prevent yourself from being clumsy during such a formal affair, don't you agree?"
"Hai……hai. Er……" Renji made a mental note never to ask Hinamori and Nanao for opinions again.
"Any questions?" Shunsui asked. Jyuushirou nodded, his countenance hiding his amusement.
"I have one…er…question. Er……when we go in, does Rukia-san go before or after me? Or shall I stand?"
"Well, Jyuu, what do you think?"
"It depends on how you feel, I guess. Although I suppose it would be quite uncomfortable standing throughout, wouldn't it be?"
"Yes, yes. Indeed. Although I quite wonder how it would be if Rukia-san were to be behind……Abarai-san, have you considered what a strange position it would be?"
"Well, yes. But Kuchiki Taichou usually makes me go in front when it's the two of us……"
"Goodness, Jyuu, I did not know the high and mighty Kuchiki Taichou partake in this sort of activity with his men."
"Kuchiki Taichou wants me to stand in front so that when it comes, it wouldn't bother him much."
"When what comes, may I ask?" Jyuushirou and Shunsui were practically bursting with suppressed laughter.
"I mean when enemies or hollows come. Or when there is a dust storm."
"Is that so? But in the case of Rukia-san, I suppose it would be quite anatomically impossible for you two to have a go at it if she were behind you……"
"Kyoraku Taichou!"
Abarai Renji, never been this flustered in his life, fled from the Eighth Division looking as though he was about to collapse from fever.
"That was fun wasn't it, Jyuu."
"Although I do feel slightly remorseful for him, to be made fun of like this."
"Well, think of it as a favour to Nanao-san."
"Hai, thank you very much, Ukitake Taichou and Taichou."
"Nanao-san, when you finished editing the footage, do show us."
"Of course, Taichou."
Abarai Renji never suspected that the dinner with Kuchiki Rukia would never arrive, and that two weeks later, he would be the first feature star of the Shinigami Woman's Organizations's newest reality TV series, Seretei's Funniest Division Video.