So, after much convincing I have written this piece of Grissom's POV behind his decision to split up with Sara. As it turns out, I did the same thing to my ex and that means she believes I would be best to try and explain how one comes to the conclusion that leaving the one they love is truly best for the other person. This is an attempt to try and stop people viewing him as the bad guy. So, with her help, here goes. I won't name you, but you know who you are, just in case you don't want ties to me on here ;)
Some people might find it a strange thing to comprehend, how somebody who claims to love their partner with every fibre of their being can think that leaving them would cause less pain than being with them. In modern society, people choose to marry the person that they love above everything else in the world. The person who would make them happy every day for the rest of their lives, the way it was supposed to be. So, how does one come to the conclusion that being in such a relationship only causes pain? The concept is one that people struggle to come to terms with but for him it was the painful truth. She would be better off without him.
It was getting late and he really should call her. Call her? Who was he kidding; he should be there with her. It was her birthday for crying out loud. But no doubt she was spending it with the others, hopefully having a good time. A little voice in the back of his head told him that that thought was ridiculous. How can she be having fun when you dumped her, Gil?
A heavy sigh escaped his lips and he plucked his glasses from his face so he could bury it in his hands. The arm of the glasses dug into his finger but he didn't care, the cool metal rested against the warm metal of his wedding ring. He doubted he would ever take it off; at least that was how he felt right now. He had been staring at his phone for the best part of an hour now and still he had yet to make any move to contact her. The fact they were split up didn't stop him from wanting to wish her a Happy Birthday; he was just struggling with how he should do it. After all, they were apart. It had been around a month now since she had finally answered his call and they had talked. It had been tough going but it had to happen. He'd spent hours just gathering the courage to call her that day and do it. It was so heartless, breaking up with her over the phone but he couldn't be there to do so in person. And that was the issue in their relationship. If he had been there they would still be together, happily married in their home.
He hadn't been the first to leave but he had been the one to stay away. It had been a big decision for him to leave the lab and go after her but it had been the right one. They had been happy for so long, they even got married. But then she had returned to Vegas and he couldn't bring himself to go back. So he had kept travelling around the world, dropping in on her once or twice. More often than not their relationship was restricted to computer screens and phones, pixels and disembodied voices. A relationship cannot be maintained when it is based on pixels and disembodied voices.
Words can be beautiful; they can portray all sorts of emotions from love to hatred, fear to joy. But when written on a screen they lose quite a lot of their meaning and their impact. 'I love you' is a powerful statement but in pixel form can lack the strength that he truly desired. Pixels hold no warmth, no true emotion. One cannot easily convey how they truly feel in flat words in text form; you cannot hear the tone of their voice or the strain they may be feeling. The marvel of a webcam allows people to see each other across long distances, so long as you have a good internet connection. That was fine when he was in France but in Peru the chances were that he would have terrible connections and couldn't even see her face, let alone see her move. It was painful, to be able to see the woman that he loved but not be able to touch her. It had pushed him to the point where he had stopped using the webcam because it just hurt too much. That left the phone. It was good to hear her voice and he could hear the tone of her voice when she said certain things. But as time went on he could just hear the strain, the pain in her voice each time she said hello. Of course, she would try to hide it from him but he could always hear it. The distance, the lack of physical contact was taking its toll.
The few times he had been in Las Vegas were utterly perfect. They had barely left the bedroom every time, not just because they were making love but because they were simply happy being in each other's arms. They didn't need words when they were together; they had had enough of just speaking. It was the contact that they so desperately needed. He would lie on his back and she would rest her head on his chest, his hand lightly running up and down her back. Her slender fingers would trace invisible patterns on his chest, his stomach, any skin her hands happened to be resting on when they were cuddled up.
But when they were apart it was hell. They couldn't kiss or hold hands, let alone make love and that was probably the worst part about him being away. They couldn't have any form of physical contact. When with your partner you tend to underestimate the importance of contact. There was nothing like many months apart to make him realise how much he missed the way she would draw circular patterns on his chest, how much he missed the soft brush of her breath against his skin. He missed everything about her and that would only get worse now that they were split up.
Already he could feel the strain of not speaking to her. He didn't get to speak to her all that often but now it was the fact that he knew he wouldn't be speaking to her again that made his pain even worse. It was especially hard today. He had made the effort to come to Vegas for her previous birthday and they had had a wonderful night together. He had taken her out to dinner and everything. But he had left the next day, it had been so rushed they had barely gotten any down time.
He put his glasses back on and picked his phone up, staring long and hard at the black screen as if it would come to life and tell him what to say. No luck, of course. The phone stayed dark so he just lay it back down with another heavy sigh. How do you say Happy Birthday to your wife who isn't really your wife anymore?
He supposed it was his own fault for breaking them up but it had been the right thing to do. He'd said many times over the years that he was no good for her; she should be with somebody of her own age. Somebody who wasn't him. But despite all of that, they had fallen in love. But then he had just ruined it all. It was his fault that they couldn't see each other, his fault that their relationship was strained. His fault that their relationship was over.
It was hard to explain in great detail why he had left her, it was easy to just say that it was best for her if she was no longer with him. She was better off without him in her life. He could just imagine how happy she would eventually be when she didn't have to worry about her husband in some far off country. She could find somebody to be by her side every day and somebody who would make her happy all the time. They wouldn't have to talk via text or webcams. Somebody who could hold her in their arms all night long.. He felt a twinge in his heart just thinking about her with somebody else. It had to be done. He was old and set in his ways; she was still young and vibrant. That was one of the things he loved about her but one of the things that had made this decision for him. Leaving now may hurt her now but it was best for her in the long run. Now she was free to live her life, not chained to him and the distance between them.
He forced himself to pick up the phone again and this time opened up a text message. He started to type..
'Sara, I know you don't understand why I did this but I promise you that it is for the best. One day you will see that I am not good for you. You deserve somebody far better than me...'
He frowned, blue eyes scanning the words over and over again until he ultimately held in the back button. The text was blank again and he started over, the time flashing on the corner of the phone. 2:07am, just gone eleven in Vegas, damn it. He had nearly missed her Birthday with all of his internal battles. He typed out a message and hit send before turning it off and going to his bed. His single bed. Alone. Staring up at the ceiling he found himself questioning his own decision to leave her. He knew that she would be better off without him but he was beginning to doubt his own strength to stay away from her. Should be return to Vegas and see her? Would she take him back? Would she forgive him for thinking that she would just be better off without him in her life?
Somewhere in Las Vegas a phone lit up with a message.
From Grissom
Happy Birthday