Nice Guys Finish First
By Sharan McQuack, Launchpad's wife.
A re-write of: "Fool for Fuel"in Uncle Scrooge #373 to which I say: "Pleh!" Again, I did NOT buy that comic. Anybody who LIKES Launchpad portrayed as a moron is free to buy it. You're entitled.
One day, Mr. McDuck called Launchpad into his office.
"Launchpad, some chemists on my payroll (1) have come up with an artificial fuel that gets great gas mileage, but has an undeserved reputation for not being able to make cars go fast. I'm entering it in a race to prove that isn't so and I want you to be the driver. Flintheart Glomgold's chemists have come up with their own fuel that has lousy mileage and is very expensive, but makes cars go very fast." Mr. McDuck said.
"What good is THAT? You're only supposed to go 55 mph and ordinary gas costs a fortune!" Launchpad asked.
"Why do people buy cars that go really fast, even when they have no use for it? It makes them feel "cool" knowing they could go really fast, and sometimes they do go too fast when nobody's looking! People don't think practically!" Mr. McDuck says. "I want you to be my driver because Flintheart is going to try dirty tricks to win this race. I can count on you not to be bribed and on your dumb luck. Also, you're too stupid to know when you're licked!"
Launchpad sighed and thought how just about anybody else would tell Mr. McD where to stuff it, but knew this was as close to a compliment as Mr. McD could give him...so he tried to take it as a compliment.
Launchpad told me about the race. I grabbed my camera so I could take photos for the Duckburg Daily News and came to cheer my Launchpad on.
There were several cars in the race, Launchpad's Smartbet, Flintheart's Wedon'thavetolisten, and many others. Now, Launchpad is a "local hero" mostly because of who he works for and was therefore "the one to beat". Hardly had the race started did Launchpad find himself trailing the pack.
"It's the END of a race that matters" Launchpad muttered and drove on.
Flintheart's driver, Gorgeous George started cheating from the get go. His first target was the Telllaura (2). Gorgeous George used a cell phone to make a call to a gadget hidden inside the Telllaura which made it go out of control. The Telllaura spun out of control into a twisted wreck...WITHOUT it's driver. Launchpad risked his life to pull the poor snook out of the Telllaura and into the Smartbet. Launchpad let him out when he made his first pit stop.
"Thanks, dude! No more racing for me!" Snook said.
Meanwhile, Gorgeous George had moved on to his next target: the Teenangel (3) and GG fired a gun that shot tiny rings at the Teenangel. The rings got into it's engines. The Teenangel stalled...right in the path of a "train" of oncoming race cars! Launchpad used the pointed rear end of another race car as a ramp. The Smartbet flew thru the air a short distance and landed with a thump! right next to the Teenangel.
"Hop in!" screamed Launchpad. Seeing that the oncoming cars could NOT stop in time, snook #2 did not argue, he hopped into the Smartbet. Launchpad let him out at his next pit stop.
"Hey, thanks man. But don't you think you should quit? Winning's WAY too important to that clown!" snook #2 asked.
"Maybe that's why I think he doesn't deserve to win. And he hasn't- yet." Launchpad said.
Gorgeous George decided to stop pussyfooting around picking off opponents one at a time and really get nasty. He drove too close to a rocky outcropping on the side of the course and set off an avalanche behide him. Many of the race cars behide him had no proper roof, just crossbars. But the Smartbet had a proper roof and tough one.
Launchpad seeing this, gunned his engine and drove on like a charging bull. By going really fast, he "shook off" the falling rocks thus giving the other drivers time to pull off to the shoulders, safely. Soon, it was just Launchpad and Gorgeous George, in a two man race.
GG tried to lose Launchpad or make him crash by driving like a nut and hoping Launchpad would do likewise. Launchpad followed, but did NOT crash. (4) Now, Flintheart's car was wasteful and it's experimental fuel was expensive and very fuel inefficient. GG had been using a lot of fuel by cheating, driving way too fast and too recklessly. Flintheart, being even cheaper than Mr. McD, put in only as much fuel as necessary- or so he thought. At about a lap from the finish line Gorgeous George RAN OUT OF GAS!!
Launchpad won the race, uncontested.
The End.
(1) Ugly Twerp is a gimmick guy, not a chemist. That has not stopped him from inventing stuff that requires extensive knowledge of chemistry, but in comics "smart" people are experts on all branches of science, despite how unlikely that is in real life.
(2) As much as I love Do Wop, those swarmy songs about a teenager dying annoy me.
(3) See above.
(4) I NEVER thought Launchpad's crashes were the slightest bit funny.
In Gladstone's Ducktales #5 (Are they going to put Gladstone's Ducktales in book form, too? Like "Scrooge's Quest" and "The Gold Odyssey"? Or would that make too much sense, like bringing back "Ducktales" and dropping the "Launchpad is a dope" bit?) "Disney" tried in the story "Fountain of Laughs" to explain that making fun of Launchpad is funny because bad things happening to somebody else is funny. A: Your fans relate to Launchpad. He ISN'T "somebody else" to THEM. B. If you have to explain a joke, there is no joke.