Kristen was always insecure about herself. She always thought she wasn't good enough and that's how she ended up in this position. Currently laying in a hospital bed 10 centimeters dilated giving birth to her first baby girl. She had chosen adoption after Robert had left her she had convinced herself that she didn't deserve the life that was growing inside of her. She had found out she was pregnant just a week after he had left and two days prior to that, she had tried to commit suicide.
She had moved out of the LA area shortly after she had found out, not telling anyone where she was going. Even to this day, she still had not told anyone where she was, only that she was pregnant. She was residing in a tiny apartment in Deer Creek Wisconsin, anything to get away from the media and her friends and family.
"Kristen push" the nurse commanded. It brought her back to reality, back to the excruciating pain that was overtaking her body. She bored down pushing with everything she had, feeling her opening tearing. She cried, fought and screamed wanting it all over with. But for her, it wasn't just the physical pain. She had decided that she didn't want to see her baby, she wanted it taken out of the room as soon as it was delivered. It was better that way or so she thought.
She kept pushing, pushing like her life depended on it. She thought about how the pain would be over soon, how she could just return to her life…. not that she had one.
She pushed until all the pressure and pain was gone, the cries of her newborn filled the room. She turned her head and closed her eyes, not wanting to see the screaming baby. The cries slowly faded and she knew they had taken her out of the room. Tears streamed down Kristen's cheeks, she felt like shit, she was pushing her daughter away when all the baby wanted was her. She kept her eyes closed only slightly whimpering as she got stitched up after delivering the after birth.
Soon she was alone, with only her thoughts. She prayed her baby was doing alright and she prayed to any god out there that she had the strength to go through with it. As much as she wanted to hate her daughter, as much as she wanted to call her a mistake. She couldn't. Truth was, she loved her and she tried to convince herself she was doing this out of love. But in reality, it was out of selfishness. She thought back to the previous months, she had not taken care of herself like she should have and in not doing that, also meant she wasn't taking care of her baby. Another thing that frustrated her.
She hated herself, more than she should have she guessed. She had been told that she needed to eat more for her baby's sake but she had not listened, she never did when it came to both their health, even skipping appointments. She couldn't be bothered, she tried often to forget there was a baby inside of her and tried to just get on with her life. Movie role offers didn't happen very often thanks to the baby and that made Kristen angry.
She wanted to blame the baby for everything wrong with her life, but it was actually her own stupidity. She was the one that wasn't good enough for Robert to stick around. She was the one that was foolish enough to think that he actually loved her.
By this point it was late, it had been a few hours since she had delivered the baby and she had been moved from labor and delivery into the maternity ward. The room was quiet, she had been lucky that she had her own room. The last thing she needed was to hear someone else's baby and not her own.
Tired as all hell, she sent a message to her family and friends letting them know she was safe, her life had just changed and the baby was finally out of her. She turned over, placing her phone on the charger before bringing the blanket up and over her. She turned over in the bed, wincing as her whole body screamed in pain. To her, it was another reminder that she had given birth, that another life needed her and she didn't want anything to do with it. As she fell asleep she hoped she was doing the right thing….