Falling in Love
Author's Note: This is a female Hidan x Kakuzu story. In this story, Hidan was born female and her name is Hana. This is also intended to be a relatively fluffy, silly oneshot. I also made Jashin her father in this story as that seems to fit more neatly into the modern theme than having Jashin continue to be a religious figure. If any of that bothers you, you might want to turn back now. For those of you still here, reviews are always appreciated. Rated M for Hana's unique style of communication.
Dedication: This story is dedicated to MadaraUchiha-Chan because she requested this pairing.
Request Response: To the guest reviewer who requested a Sasuke x Temari story, I might do that pairing someday in the distant future. I've got a lot of new stories that I'm about to release sometime in late January 2018. Hopefully, you'll find something you like when that happens. Happy reading.
Disclaimer: I own nothing and make no profit off of any of my fanfics.
Chapter 1
Hana was a woman on a mission. Her mission was simple. To get Kakuzu to fall in love with something other than money. In this case, her.
They had both been working in the same Halloween Store for a month and time was running out. All that bastard ever talked about was money. Those sexy green eyes and smoky voice should be focused on more than just pieces of paper and coins that had images of deceased people on them!
So far, her efforts had been well futile. "Hana, what did you do to your name tag?" Kakuzu just wasn't biting much, but he was raising his eyebrow at her.
That was a start. She had his attention. Now, the teenager just had to reel him in. Jashin would be pleased. Jashin was her father and he was one Hell of a guy. He definitely marched to the beat of his owner drummer. That was for damn sure.
Her father was always telling her to live life to the fullest. Only the strong survived and that was her motto too. Oh and he was also one sadistic son of a bitch, but she just thought that made him even cooler.
"Do you like it?" She glances at him, checking for his reaction.
He shrugs at her. "Well it doesn't make much sense." What?! That was so not the reaction that she was going for, but she wouldn't be daunted that easily because her father was right. It was time for her to live life to the fullest!
So she was going to follow his advice. When she first met Kakuzu, she had immediately hated him. He was always trying to make her act proper in front of customers. He was far too cautious, but now she realized that was all an act.
No one could be that detached from reality. Clearly, underneath that mercenary, almost robotic facade…there had to be a lot of passion somewhere. Passion that she was eager to unlock!
"Hana is such a dumb name." Her mother had named her Hana.
It might not have been so bad, if it didn't mean flower. For goodness sakes, what had the woman been thinking? Good thing that her dad had divorced her during a midlife crisis and she rarely saw the woman. Oh wait. She was getting off track here.
Kakuzu raises an eyebrow. "So you crossed that out and wrote the word Harpy over your nametag instead." Damn right, she did. Harpies were total badasses!
"Hell yeah!" She nods as if it was the most logical thing in the world to do. "Oh yeah." Hana smiles at Kakuzu as she hands him a glass of apple cider. "This is for you."
He looks at the glass and shakes his head. "Well I might as well." She knew damn well that he would prefer whiskey to cider, but their boss would never let them drink on the job. "Better than that damn sugar water they have in the vending machine." He sighs and sips it. "Maybe, we could sell some of this stuff to the customers."
"Damn it!" She glares at him. "Can't you stop thinking about money for one damn second?!" He was impossible!
Kakuzu gives her a look as he downs the cider in one gulp. "We're at work." He shakes her head. "What did you expect me to think about?"
Alright. That was a fair point. Though she really wanted to smack him right now. Did he not notice how freaking awesome she was? Was she not more interesting than cash?
She liked money as much as the next person, but come on. Did he not see how cute her ass looked in her employee uniform? She had even managed to cut black pants into shorts, shorts.
"Well there's other stuff to think about!" She might not be a Rhodes Scholar, but she knew that much. "Come on, you're smart enough to figure that out!"
Someone had told her that Kakuzu was a leg man, but those gorgeous eyes of his had yet to look anywhere near her legs. Then again, he was standing behind the cash register. So that might be why.
"Such as?" He shakes his head at her.
Well she'd think of something! Hana couldn't be too obvious or else that would take all the fun out of it. He was supposed to fall for her because she was amazing and not because she made it too easy for him to figure that out.
So a brilliant idea came to her mind. "You're on break, right?" Kakuzu nods in confirmation.
"Great!" She drags him outside of the store until they were right behind it.
Her long silver hair was now blowing in the window and she was sure that her black and red uniform looked cool on her. So this ought to get his attention.
"What on Earth are you doing?" His gaze never leaves her as Hana begins raking a big pile of leaves in front of him.
Billowing hair was cool. That ought to get his attention and if that didn't work, she had another idea in mind. Guys couldn't resist a girl rolling around in front of them, could they? Nah. That'd be impossible.
She smirks at him. "Enjoying the Fall Season." She flops onto the big pile of leaves and rolls around in an effort to capture his interest.
Kakuzu tilts his head thoughtfully. "That's brilliant!" It was? "We can bring some leaves in and charge kids for some cider and the chance to roll around in the leaves without getting in trouble with their parents!" He had to be kidding her. "It'll make a ton of money!" This just wasn't her day.
"Itachi, you're workplace is weird." Sasuke shakes his head.
Itachi sighs and nods in agreement. Unfortunately, he couldn't disagree with his foolish little brother there. He had thought that working here for a couple months would be an easy and amusing way to make some quick cash.
The young man in question had become an employee of the largest Halloween Themed Store in the United States under that false impression The Akatsuki. After all, his scholarships covered the costs of attending his Ivy League University, but they didn't give him spending money.
Now, he was really regretting that decision. "You're right." He pokes Sasuke in the forehead. "Don't say anything to Hana and Kakuzu though." It was just easier to pretend not to notice the insanity.
"Well they're both absolutely crazy." Nagato walks over to them with his wife Konan at his side. "Though the Leaf Ride and Cider Both ideas were both rather good." He points over to the two bickering teenagers.
Nagato was the store manager and Konan often visited her husband at work. Personally, Itachi though that was mostly because she enjoyed making good use of her husband's private office in the back. There was a DO NOT DISTURB: MEETING IN PROGRESS Sign that was used far too frequently for there to be any actual business meetings going on.
Of course, he kept these thoughts to himself. What the 'Vampire Bride' and Gothic Dracula knock off did in their free time was none of his business. He just hoped that Sasuke didn't accidentally stumble on them one of these days.
"I won't." Sasuke nods at him. "I know better than that."
Itachi was a Freshmen in high school and Sasuke was on his last year of middle school. So both of them were too old to take much interest in the leaves, though the elder Uchiha buys Sasuke a glass of apple cider anyway. It was festive…
Deidara shakes his head as he strides over. "Those two are crazy." He nods his head. "Yeah?!"
Predictably, Sasori wasn't too far behind him. "You're right about that much." They were some other employees at the store.
Itachi tried to avoid them both like the plague. Sasori was alright, but Deidara and the red head were a two for one special. It was almost like they were conjoined twins or something and well, he just found Deidara annoying.
The man was always trying to make explosions to make the store more 'fun.' Which just meant there was more stuff that Itachi had to clean up.
"So is the betting pool still open?" A man wearing a blue shark mask strides towards him.
Kisame. Itachi honestly, didn't know what the man's face actually looked like. As far as the Uchiha could tell, he hadn't taken the mask off once since he had started working at the Akatsuki. Whatever. It wasn't any of his business.
"Of course." Konan nods. "I say it'll be a week before they get together."
The betting pool. The height of foolishness. Itachi would never sink so low as to bet on something so juvenile, but his colleagues seemed to enjoy it. They were all convinced that Kakuzu and Hana would be together by Halloween and well, Itachi didn't particularly care enough to comment on the matter.
"Do you have to be an employee to get in on this bet?" Sasuke looks at them brightly. "Twenty bucks says they're sucking face either tonight or tomorrow."
Damn it. These people were a horrible influence on his innocent baby brother! "Sasuke, don't waste your money on that." Itachi sighs as he feels a migraine coming on. "Where are Tobi and Zetsu, anyway?"
Nagato chuckles at that. "I had to fire them both." Ah. Well Itachi should have seen that coming. "Tobi because he was an absolute idiot who kept going on and on about what a good boy he was and Zetsu because people kept mistaking him for a very large potted plant and trying to buy him to decorate their yards with." Well that was fair.
"It's not wasting my money." Sasuke shakes his head. "It's making money. I'm so going to win this and then I'm gonna get the best Halloween Costume ever and I'll win first prize in the contest." At which point, Itachi throws his hands up in defeat, before poking him in the forehead.
"You're so foolish." He sighs and promptly ignores Sasuke's grumbling about having his forehead poked.
His foolish little brother hated having his forehead poked. Which was exactly why Itachi did it in the first place. It was his way of saying that he loved Sasuke and annoying him at the same time. It was such an efficient 'torture' technique.
Kakuzu's break finally ended and he was pleased to see that the Leaf Ride and the Cider Stand were such big successes. Yup. He was definitely going to have enough money for that car he wanted to buy soon.
The thought made him happy. He had been saving for that thing ever since he started high school and finally, that shiny red convertible was going to be his!
Which reminded him. "Where did Hana go anyway?" God only knows what crazy stunt she was going to pull next.
Well if nothing else, she definitely kept him from getting bored and damn, that woman had some great legs. Of course, he knew that he had to focus on his job. If he wanted that car, he couldn't afford to get fired cause he was spending all his time watching those legs of hers.
"Hey, Kakuzu!" Ah there she was. "I figured that I would try out one of the newer costumes." Ah well that made sense. "What do you think?" That's when she runs over to him in a sexy little racer outfit and his jaw drops.
That should definitely be illegal. How was he supposed to possibly resist such temptation? The skin tight black outfit was extremely low cut and clung to all her curves like a second skin.
"It's amazing." He nods at her. "Definitely going to be a top seller!"
The sleeves were made of black and white checkers patterns and so was one small piece of the front pant leg. She also had a cute little, black and white matching checker flag.
Apparently, his answer was less than satisfactory though. "IS THAT ALL YOU EVER THINK ABOUT?!" Because Hana was now failing wildly and her shouting was definitely attracting the attention of customers.
"Calm down!" Kakuzu didn't know how to react to her sudden bout of craziness.
Well, she was always crazy. This was even more extreme than normal though! On the other hand, he did like the way her breasts jiggled when she jumped around in outrage like that. That was a very nice jiggle.
She didn't seem to be in a hurry to stop jiggling either. "I wear this sexy outfit just for you and that's all you think about?" Just for him? "That it'll be a bestseller?!"
Was she trying to hit on him? "Well yeah." He smirks. "The more money the store makes, the more we make." She looks close to smacking him, but Kakuzu wasn't someone who was easily daunted. "Which means the faster, I can buy that car I want." He nods. "Which means the faster that I can see you model that racer outfit of yours in the back of it."
Hana blinks at him. For a moment, Kakuzu was genuinely worried that he might have broken her. That's when she drags him over to Nagato rather dramatically.
Oh boy. This wasn't going to be good. "Yes, Hana?" Hana was definitely his craziest employee. A 'honor' that was difficult to achieve because he had a lot of crazy employees, by the way. "What do you want?" Nagato digressed though.
"I want the rest of the day off." She nods at him. "So does Kakuzu."
He gives her a rather incredulous look. "For what reason?" He could see Hana asking for the day off, but not Kakuzu. If he took a day off, that meant he wouldn't get paid and everyone knew how precious money was to him.
Hana grins at him as she places some money down on the counter for the costume she was wearing. "We're going on a date." She then proceeds to kiss Kakuzu in front of everyone as Itachi's little brother smirks in the background.
"Well, congratulations." Konan smiles as she rings the purchase up for her. "Have fun." That damn brat had won the bet, Nagato sulks to himself.
Kakuzu looks just as bewildered as Nagato felt though. "We will." Which was amusing, really.
"Yeah!" Hana grins at him. "Riding in a car is fun, but I'm pretty sure you'll have way more fun with me instead." To which Nagato blinks dumbly and Itachi covers his brother's ears, muttering something about some people having no sense of decency.
Two weeks later, Sasuke smirks as he enters Konoha Middle School's Halloween Dance. He was confident that he had the best costume there. He was a medieval knight and it looked really authentic! He even had a fantastic sword to go with it! It looked so real!
"Whoa!" Naruto blinks at his best friend. "Where did you get the money for that?"
Sasuke smirks at the blonde. "I won a bet." Feeling rather pleased with himself for winning, he drags the Loser over to the punch bowl. That's where he saw a Goddess.
No literally. She was dressed as a Greek Goddess of some kind. Sasuke was pretty sure it was Aphrodite.
"So this is what Kakuzu felt like when she wore that Racer Outfit." Sasuke blinks in amazement.
This must be what falling in love felt like. Wow. "Nice costume!" The blonde smiles at him.
"T-Thanks." Sasuke smiles at her. "I love yours too."
The pink lacy, Greek Dress really flattered her. He vaguely recognized her as being Temari. Gaara's older sister. She must have been dropping them off or volunteering to help out at the dance because Sasuke knew she was older than Gaara and Gaara was in the same grade as him.
She nods and grabs some bags of candy. "Wanna help me put these in the bowls?" He'd always hated sweets and candy before, but for her…he'd make an exception.
"Sure." He nods and helps her.
Out of the corner of his eye, he notices that Naruto was now chatting up a shy girl named Hinata. She was dressed as a white rabbit. It seemed like love was in the air and Naruto was dressed like a fox.
God help them all, if Naruto ever had kids with her. Speaking of kids though, damn that was a scary thought. What if Hana had kids with Kakuzu? Sasuke wasn't sure that the world would survive that.
Them falling in love was one thing, but kids? Now, that would be a real horror story.