I don't own South Park - it's owned by the very talented Trey Parker and Matt Stone.
I Am A Rock - Original song performed by Simon and Garfunkel, written by Paul Simon.
I Am A Rock
by cell12
A winter's day In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
The weather fits my mood so well. So bleak and stark, a blank wall of white nothingness that bleaches out any sign of humanity. Sometimes I wish there was no-one else, I hate the noise and I hate people. Maybe, if the world came to an end, I would finally have peace - finally get the silence I crave. When I do see people, from my window, I can imagine them as bugs - bugs that I can crush. Their lives are so meaningless and annoying, their petty squabbles and their gossip, their happiness sickens me.
I need none of it!
I am alone and I like it that way. I can fully understand why some kids take guns to school and go on a killing spree. It's a form of quiet desperation. A rage against a system so fucked up that it crushes the spirit of anyone who struggles to fit in. For me though, just the jerks in school wouldn't be enough - I would want to wipe out the whole town. There's not a single soul that deserves my mercy. I could do it as well. It would be so easy to slip a slow-acting poison into the water system. Maybe a disease would be better. Either way I could do it and some day I might.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have a personality and a reputation, it's not something I ever wanted or sought out but once it was pushed upon me, I played it to the hilt. I became a monster because that's what was expected of me. I was never given the chance to be anything else - my life, my background and my family made that impossible. The small, petty people of this town made sure that I was shunned and hated in school before I was old enough to even know why.
Even the people I hang out with don't consider me their friend. I suspect that they only put up with me because my house is the best place to hang in town. It's too cold most of the year to stand around outside and their houses are filled with concerned parents, eager to see what their children are up to. My mother is rarely here and even when she is, she doesn't give a shit. She doesn't care if they drink, smoke weed or make out with their girlfriends/boyfriends. They know I'm aware that they're using me, but what they don't know is how much it hurts me.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I hate love, it is a cruel joke designed to do nothing but hurt. When you love someone you place your hopes on that person. It doesn't matter if they are completely unaware of your feelings, all that matters is that they are worthy of carrying your hopes. It isn't as if I could ever tell anyone how I feel - I doubt I would be believed anyway.
Watching the object of my desires flitting from person to person is more painful than can ever be described. Seeing the person I care about become so jaded - damaged goods if you will - hurts me so much. I wouldn't begrudge love, if they were in love and with someone who truly loved them in return I would be sad for me but happy for them. Sadly, the person I care about is happy having meaningless sex - not one of the people loves or even cares like I do. Seeing the only person who could make me happy become something so cheap and tawdry is a daily nightmare. The fact that my love is being used, over and over, is something I cannot bare.
I wish I had never felt love.
I have my books And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armour,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I used to think that reading was stupid and boring - and at school it was, still is for that matter. The books chosen as reading material for schools are usually either old crap (teachers call them literary classics) or realistic teen novels (usually written by someone way past their teens). I prefer to read something that allows my mind to escape the confines of the real world - just for a while anyways. I started reading fantasy and sci-fi novels when I got one as a thirteenth birthday present. Before you ask, no I don't read film and TV tie-ins - they are trash and only written for idiots. I wouldn't be seen dead at a sci-fi convention, I buy all my books on-line.
Sometimes things get too much and I find it hard to keep my hard world-hating demeanour. So I write shit down, my thoughts and feelings and all that crap. I know it's pretty lame and pathetic but it's better for me to spill my guts out onto paper than to spill someone else's guts out in the school hallway. It's not like I'll ever let anyone see this, I'd kill them first.
I created a monster to protect me, one that I could hide behind. Sadly no-one even bothered to look behind the monster or even to look for the reasons behind it. I am full of contradictions, I yearn for someone to hold me and love me and comfort me - but the idea of having any sort of physical contact with another human being repulses me.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Authors Note: I've had this SongFic almost complete and sitting in my computer files for months. I've always thought that the words to this song fit Cartman pretty well. cell12.