Mass Effect Trilogy
- Cockpit Banter (FFN Version)

[FADE IN
INT. NORMANDY COCKPIT – SPACE
JEFF 'JOKER' MOREAU is seated in his chair at the helm, but rather than facing the visual panels he is instead facing the opposite direction. COMMANDER FEM!SHEPARD stands in front of him and gives him a look that states she is none too impressed.]

SHEPARD:
You've got to be kidding me.

[JOKER laughs briefly but stops when SHEPARD's icy frown shifts from one side of her face to the other. He throws up his hands in defense and attempts to bury himself further into his chair.]

JOKER:
*stammers*
Really, Commander! I'm not joking! I tried it the last time we were at the Citadel!

[SHEPARD rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest. She sighs in disbelief.]

SHEPARD:
Joker... You honestly think I'm going to fall for that one? Thessian chocolate does not taste like baked rosemary chicken.

JOKER:
It does! Have you even tried it?

SHEPARD:
Joker, I'm not stupid enough to actually believe that everything in the galaxy tastes like chicken.

JOKER:
So, I can take that as a 'no'?

SHEPARD:
*slowly shakes her head*
All right. All right. No. I've never tried Thessian chocolate.

JOKER:
Well, then. I guess you can't prove me wrong until you try it. I mean, don't forget what I said about that shifty space cow.

SHEPARD:
Yes, and I conceded to the fact that you were right about that.
*mutters*
Shifty bastard.

[SHEPARD sighs and places her forehead in the palm of her hand.]

SHEPARD:
*cont'd*
Look, Joker... Is this some kind of dare to get me to eat something potentially weird or gross again? In fact, how did we even get on this topic in the first place?

JOKER:
Well, you're the one always coming into the cockpit- Which is my workspace, I should point out. -and either leaving immediately or just standing behind me and...staring. Kinda creepy, I might add, Commander. I thought I'd, y'know, strike up a conversation or something. Make the vibes in here less-
*sharp intake of breath through his teeth*
-creepy.

[SHEPARD stares at JOKER for a beat.]

SHEPARD:
Wait a minute... I do not have a thing for you, Joker.

JOKER:
Never said you did, but still...kinda creepy.

[SHEPARD's mouth twitches as she again stares at JOKER for a beat.]

SHEPARD:
*tersely*
Right... Just keep us headed to the Citadel. I'm going to do my rounds elsewhere.

[SHEPARD turns and walks swiftly down the hallway towards the bridge.]

SHEPARD:
*cont'd*
...Away from you.

[JOKER shrugs and turns his chair back to his visual panels and instruments.]

JOKER:
All right. See ya, Commander. I'll just sit here...alone...with no one talk to.
*pauses for a beat then yells*
If you end up in the mess, could you bring me up a churro?
*pauses then yells sweetly*
Thaaaanks!