A Troubled Cure For A Troubled Mind
By: MsNinis
Sam/Emily
AH/Angst/Romance
"The Rain Scene" Challenge
http://www(.)fanfiction(.)net/~teamsob
Summary: Sam struggles to find himself after his recent break up with Leah. A chance encounter changes his perspective on life.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight and its characters.
I need a break. I need a break from my family, my friends, and my home, from everything that was and is my life. A break from my elders giving me their unsolicited advice. I feel like I need to find myself again.
Three months ago I had been content with the routine that was my life but Leah wanted more, which I couldn't blame her for. We had been together for four years and she wanted to get married, she wanted to "start her life" as she put it. I told her I wasn't ready for marriage and that was when she gave me the dreaded ultimatum. I was left with no choice but to end our relationship. I can't say that it was really a choice though, relationships just aren't that black and white for me.
Nobody seems to understand what I am going through, they don't understand why I mourn the loss of a relationship that I "chose to leave", as they so wrongly put it. Do people really think that my love for Leah would just disappear? Has no one ever ended a long term relationship before? Maybe not, it seems like most of the elders on the res have been with their mates practically since birth.
I feel so lost. Leah was like a part of me that disappeared, like if you suddenly lost an arm, would you know how to function without it? I have been like a walking shell since that dreaded last day of us.
I carry with me a tremendous sense of guilt because a part of me is relieved that we did end it; I dare not tell anyone about this though. The old cliché, 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' can pretty much sum up my feelings for Leah. In the beginning of our relationship we had that 'can't keep your hands off each other' kind of love but after we moved in together our relationship became stagnant. We were the old married couple but without the marriage and the kids to entertain us.
The last time I saw her she was so strong. She didn't shed one tear in front of me while she gathered her things from our cottage. In all honesty, she didn't seem surprised that I picked the non-marriage option of her ultimatum. I think Leah knew that we would never become the story book romance, the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids and a golden retriever couple. I believe that is why she brought the whole marriage thing up, getting me to admit that I didn't see it for us in my future; she must have felt it too.
**********
A week ago I decided that I would take a few days off from my sob story of a life and drive around to clear my head. I made it all the way to Bellingham, hitting some trails along the way and visiting with friends from school. It's been a great distraction but Jared's birthday is in a few days and I have to get back, he will kill me if I'm not there. I can't say that I am really looking forward to his birthday though, being around all those people. I have been trying to keep a low profile since the break up but when I do venture out; there is always that one person that gives me that look, the look that says 'you're a heartless bastard.' I try to ignore everyone but it still hurts. All this alone time to think has made my drive home full of anxiety. This rain doesn't help either, it just makes me sadder.
The weather cooperated for my trip to Bellingham but today it's been cats and dogs and I'm getting hungry, like that's much of a surprise, I'm always hungry. I can barely see through my fogged up windshield but I think that's a gas/food/lodging sign indicating to take the next exit.
The bells chime, announcing my entrance as I walk through the door of the diner and from behind the counter a woman with a raspy voice shouts, "Have a seat whereever you like sweetheart". I'm about to sit in the first booth but there is a backpack sitting on the seat so I move on to the next one. Once I'm seated the waitress brings me a menu and asks, "Can I get you something warm to drink?"
"Coffee please," I reply with a tepid smile.
After she pours me a cup of coffee she moves to the empty booth with the backpack and refills the coffee cup there. I start examining my menu, Hmm. . . what do I feel like? Breakfast or lunch? Just as I'm turning the page of the menu I hear the owner of the backpack shout out, "Thanks for the refill Pearl!"
"Anytime sweetie!" Pearl shouts back and two minutes later she's at my table asking, "Ready to order?"
"Can I get a Denver omelet with fries instead of hash browns, an English muffin, and a side of biscuits and gravy. Oh, and a strawberry milkshake please?"
She winks at me and chuckles, "Are you sure that's all you want?" I smile and nod yes.
When Pearl walks away I look out the window and all my thoughts from the drive continue to torment me. How will it be when I get back home? There are still little reminders of Leah strewn throughout my place; I can't bear to get rid of them even though they cause me heartache. When will it get easier? When will I be able to breathe again? Did I make a mistake?
I look away from the window and around the restaurant, hoping to rid myself of these self-deprecating thoughts. The owner of the backpack is sitting facing me in her booth, she's wearing a hooded sweatshirt, a beanie, and those fingerless gloves so all I can really see is her face and I notice that she's staring at me. I turn around to see if there's someone behind me that she's looking at, but no, I'm the only one there.
"Hey I know you, I think. Are you from La Push?" she asks me. I'm a little stunned, I'm still far from home and because of my size most people are too intimidated to initiate a conversation with me but she looks somewhat familiar. I can't place her, especially all covered up the way she is.
As I start to answer her she grabs her coffee and comes and sits in my booth across from me. I can see her face more clearly now, she is pretty and I know that I've met her before but I just don't know where. She looks at me at me and says, "I'm Emily Young, I think you know my cousin Seth?"
Just when I was trying to take a break from the Leah sadness, here I am getting slapped in the face with it again. She is Seth's cousin, meaning she is also Leah's cousin. I didn't say anything and Emily started talking again trying to fill the awkward silence, "Well he isn't really my cousin, our mom's were really good friends and we called each other cousins," she said with a hint of sadness in her voice, "anyways my best friend lives in La Push too, Rachel. I think that might be how I remember you?"
I felt a sense of relief when Emily said that she wasn't really related to Seth and Leah, and felt more at ease to talk to her, "I'm pretty good friends with Rachel's brother Jake, actually. When would I have met you?" I asked before draining my coffee mug.
"It was a long time ago; I think I met you in passing as I dropped Rachel off. You, Seth, and Paul were tinkering on an old red truck with Jake," she said.
As she was talking, Pearl brought my order; I was a little embarrassed now, looking at all the food on the table. It looked like enough food to feed a tribe but I was starving.
Emily kept her seat across from me as I ate; unfazed by the amount of food I was shoveling into my mouth.
"So what are you doing here in Sequim?" She asked while picking at my french fries; the guys at home always picked at my food so it didn't faze me to see Emily doing it, in fact it made me feel more comfortable eating in front of her.
I wasn't quite sure how to answer. Was she still in contact with Leah; did she know about our relationship? Surely Rachel would have said something to her if they are best friends. "I was up visiting friends in Bellingham," was my response; it was a short and honest answer.
She gave me a look that said she knew there was more to my trip but wouldn't pry.
"Oh Bellingham is so beautiful," she exclaimed and went on to talk about it like it was some kind of Eden. Her eyes lit up as she spoke. She was beautiful and she radiated happiness. My mind was clear and focused on her words; I was completely comfortable with her.
"They have an awesome Farmer's Market there; did you get a chance to go?" she asked.
After staring at her for what seemed like minutes I realized she had stopped talking but when I looked up at her to answer her question, she herself looked like she was lost in memory.
"I missed it actually; I got there a day late. I pretty much just visited with friends and went kayaking, had to take advantage of the warm weather we were having you know?" I asked in sort of a half question, half statement.
"Oh I know, right, it was unusually warm the last few days and then today its pouring, but look out there," she motioned to the windows, "it looks like the sun is trying to break through the clouds."
I stared out the window, this time not being struck with anxiety. Instead I felt a smile form across my face, this was the first time in I don't know how long I felt myself smile. I didn't feel the constriction in my heart; it was as if the pain and guilt from the last three months had been lifted from my body as I sat here with Emily.
Suddenly Emily got up, looking to be in a panic, "Shit, I didn't realize what time it was! I have to go, I'm going to be late for class!" she yelled out as she took one last sip of her coffee and grabbed her backpack.
She started walking towards the door, and I yelled out to her, "Hey, it was nice seeing you again Emily!"
Emily turned around and walked back to my table, "Sorry, I didn't get your name again?" she asked.
"Oh, it's Sam, Sam Uley. Maybe we'll see each other around sometime?" I said, hoping she would say yes.
"I'd like that," she said with a huge smile on her face, also looking like she didn't connect my name to Leah's. "Have a safe drive home!" were her final words to me as she walked out the door.
I settled my bill with Pearl and walked out to my truck. The air was crisp but the sun was now shining and I could see a rainbow over the ridge. I felt like a new person walking out of that diner, and I knew that Emily had imprinted some of her happiness onto me and I could breathe a little easier now.
**********
Today is Jared's birthday and the day of the BBQ. Before my little trip I'd been dreading it but now I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and feeling a sense of normalcy again. I've been back for a few days now and it's strange, ever since that day in the diner I have felt like a huge weight has been lifted off me; even Rachel and Paul have commented on my new disposition. I am certain now that I made the right choice by ending things with Leah and I feel like my life is slowly getting back on track.
As I am driving to the store my phone rings, "Dude, what time are you coming?" Jared yelled into the phone.
"I'll be there soon, I have to stop by the store and then I have to pick up Paul," I replied.
I stop by the store and grab some hot dogs and a twelve pack of soda. I agreed to be the designated driver tonight so there'll be no drinking for me. Next stop...pick up Paul. He's waiting for me outside when I pull up to his house, "Dude, I'm like ten minutes early, why are you waiting outside for me?" I ask because Paul is never ready on time.
Paul looks embarrassed, "I don't know, I'm just excited to go the party I guess."
If I didn't know any better I would say that Paul wanted to get to the party early to see Rachel. They think they're being so sly and that nobody knows what they're up to, but this is La Push, everyone knows everyone's business. We're around each other so much we practically finish each other sentences.
As soon as we pull up to Jared's house Paul jumps out of my truck and races to the house, leaving me to carry everything in by myself. Half way up the path I drop the sodas but by pure luck the carton doesn't pop open.
"There you are," yells Jared as I walk through the door, "It's about time!" he says, grabbing the sodas from me and opening the carton. Before I can say a word, Jared's soda sprays all over me, soaking my t-shirt.
"Jesus Jared!" I shout out.
Everyone starts laughing and Jared bolts out the door. I pull my wet shirt off and go after him but suddenly stop my pursuit.
Across the yard I can see Rachel talking to Paul, but what gets my complete attention is the girl standing with them. She has her hair in two long braids and is wearing a dress the color of marigolds with a pair of Chucks. Is. . . is that Emily?
I walk over to where they're all standing, very aware that I'm the only guy at the party with no shirt on.
"Well Mr., I almost didn't recognize you half naked," Emily says, looking me up and down while flashing me the most brilliant smile, causing me to blush a little.
"I should say the same to you," I retort to Emily, "You had so many layers on the last time I saw you."
"Hey, how do you guys know each. . . Wait a minute! What the hell happened to your shirt Sam? Why aren't you wearing one?" Rachel asked, looking very confused.
"Ughh... well, lover boy here. . ." I pointed to Paul whose face turned a shade of crimson "ran out of the truck and. . . well, long story short I dropped the sodas and Jared opened a can and it exploded all over me, my favorite shirt too," I said to Rachel, scanning the yard looking for Jared.
"And how is it that you two know each other?" Rachel asked looking between Emily and me.
"We ran into each other in Sequim the other day and.." I started.
"And I ate all his fries!" Emily finished proudly.
I started laughing and looked over at Paul who was wiggling his eyebrows at me implying that I liked this girl. I glared back at him and he stopped.
"Hey Paul, I have Jared's present in the car, can you uhh... help me grab it?" Rachel asked.
"Isn't that, oh wait, yeah, the present, sure yeah I'll help you with it," Paul said, and he and Rachel disappeared leaving me standing alone with Emily.
"Do those two really think they are fooling anyone?" Emily asked.
"Well they aren't fooling anyone here, I'll tell you that much," I said rolling my eyes.
Emily and I grabbed some hot dogs and sodas and sat on a bench. It turned out to be a beautiful day, making it bearable to be shirtless.
As we sat there and ate, I realized that conversation flowed comfortably with Emily. I felt like I've known her my whole life. We talked about our schools, her dream to open up a muffin/cupcake shop, my desire to work on my music. The only time we hit a sour note was when she mentioned that she knows of my recent break up with Leah, but she doesn't drown me in guilt for it, as everyone else has. Instead she just shrugs her shoulders and says, "You gotta follow your heart and do what you feel is right for you," and that was the end of that subject.
Throughout our conversation I stare at her. That day in the diner I didn't realize just how beautiful she really is. I'm seeing her through new eyes. Her hair is a dark brown almost black. Her eyes the color of molasses and her skin is bronze. From here she smells sweet and soft like vanilla and flowers and when she smiles her whole face smiles. She speaks with such enthusiasm it forces a smile on my face.
The flicker of a fire in the pit catches my attention and when I look around I suddenly realize that we've been sitting there for hours and the dark night sky has descended upon us. Emily surveys the crowd, "Hey, where do you think Rachel and Paul are? They've been gone a while, let's go look for them," she says to me.
"Well they couldn't have gone very far since I drove Paul here," I say to her, standing up.
We decide to walk around looking for them. Jared's back yard is the woods so they can be just about anywhere back there. As we start to walk towards the woods the rain starts coming down. I'm standing there shirtless, dripping wet, but I'm much too concerned about getting Emily under cover to care about myself.
Emily yells out, "Oh my god, can't we get one full day without rain? We need to get you out of this, you're not even wearing a shirt!"
I grab Emily's hand and we run to my truck. I open the door for her and push her inside. Just as I'm about to close the door and walk around to the driver's side she grabs me, "What are you doing? Get inside," and she scoots over giving me room to sit.
I climb inside and look at Emily. Our heavy breathing has fogged up the windows. I can't hear anything but my heart thumping, like it's in a race with the rain drops pelting my truck. I want to kiss Emily. She puts her hands on my bare shoulder and tries to wipe away the rain drops. Her mouth is slightly open as she looks at me, but she isn't just looking, she's staring like... like she's watching a miracle happen before her eyes. She looks into my eyes and almost in a whisper says, "you're so...so..." We start to lean in to kiss when suddenly the passenger door flies open and Paul and Rachel are standing there.
"Hey let's get out of here!" Paul yells to me.
"Rachel, where. . . what are we doing?" Emily yells.
"We're going with the boys, that's ok, right Sam? We can get your car tomorrow Em," Rachel states rather than asks.
I get into the driver's seat as Emily squeezes in tightly next to me and Rachel sits on Paul's lap. I drop Rachel and Paul off at his house and then proceed to my house.
Emily is quiet and looks a little concerned sitting there in the passenger seat as we pull up to my house. I break the silence, "Hey Emily, are you ok? I promise I'm not some Ted Bundy freakazoid or anything like that."
"Oh, I know. I'm just a little worried about Rachel. It seems a little soon for her to be spending the night at Paul's house," she says.
"I really don't think this is first time she has spent the night there," I laugh out loud, "I have a feeling this little thing between them has been going on a lot longer than we all know."
"Look at you, you're soaking wet and shivering," Emily says to me with a look of concern as I open the passenger door and she steps out.
We run up to my house and as we walk inside my phone starts buzzing, "Hey Jared," I answer as I watch Emily look around my house and like a moth to a flame she heads directly to my music collection.
"Hey, what happened to you guys?" Jared asks.
"Well I couldn't exactly stay outside in the rain without a shirt, could I?" I say to Jared with annoyance.
"Dude, I'm so sorry about that. Hey who was that girl you were talking to?" Jared asks me. I look across the room and Emily is now pulling her hair out of the braids, releasing a cascade of waves to crash upon her shoulders. God, she is beautiful.
"I'll talk to you tomorrow Jared, goodnight and Happy Birthday," I end the call before Jared can ask me anymore questions.
"Can I get you anything?" I ask Emily.
"Ummm... do you have a towel I can use for my hair?" she asks.
"Yeah, let me grab you one, I'll be right back," I walk into my bathroom and grab her a towel. I stand there for a minute looking blankly into the mirror. What am I doing? Is this wrong? I feel a strong connection to her but it's too soon, isn't it? Before she thinks I have been sucked into a vortex I come out and hand her the towel.
I walk over to start a fire when she startles me, "OMG, I can't believe you have this! I thought I was the only one who listened to Nick Drake," Emily says with excitement in her voice.
"Well there is a lot you don't know about me yet. I have quite an eclectic taste in music," I say, wondering if she noticed my slip adding 'yet' to my response. "Hey, do you mind if I hop in the shower real quick?" I ask feeling somewhat rude to abandon my house guest for a few minutes but I'm cold from having my bare chest rained on.
"I don't mind, as long as you don't mind if I put some music on?" She says.
"Knock yourself out, my IPod is right there next to the TV if you want to look through that too," I point at it and she walks over to retrieve it. "I'll be quick," I say as I head into the bathroom.
When I come out of the shower I hear The River Man playing but am shocked to see Emily standing in my kitchen mixing something up in a bowl.
"I'm gone for five minutes and already you're taking over my kitchen," I say, trying to figure out what it is she's mixing up.
"I'm making pancakes, I hope you don't mind," she says smiling up at me. I can see in her face that she is definitely in her element standing there in the kitchen.
"Mind? Are you kidding me? Have at it. Do you need help with anything?" I ask, trying to make myself useful somehow.
"Yes, actually. Do you have a dry shirt or some shorts I can borrow?" She asks, looking me up and down.
"Oh jeez, sorry! I should have offered you something sooner, I'm such a dumb ass," I said as I walked to the closet. I grabbed her a t-shirt, some pajama pants, and socks and rested them on my bed and walked back into the kitchen as she was flipping pancakes, "I'll keep an eye on things here. I left you some clothes on the bed, go change."
Emily was gone for two minutes and walked back into the kitchen wearing my socks and Dinosaur Jr. T-shirt, which looked more like a dress on her, it came almost down to her knees. "The pajama pants wouldn't stay up," she said laughing, "it looks like the pancakes are ready. Let's eat."
I grabbed our plates and walked into the living room. We decided to sit on the floor and eat next to the fire. "Oh my God Emily, these are the best pancakes I've ever had!" I say with a mouth full of goodness.
"Oh good, I'm glad you like them," she giggles out as she leans back against the foot of the chair rubbing her belly signaling that she is full.
"So Sam, tell me, what is your guilty pleasure?" she asks me almost seductively.
"Hmm... guilty pleasure huh?" a minute goes by when I finally announce, "Pancakes!" Emily starts laughing.
"What, what's so funny? What is your guilty pleasure?" I ask her.
Emily sits there looking up into nothing thinking about her answer. "Well?" I say.
"Lifetime movies," she whispers, looking a bit embarrassed.
"What do you mean, what is that?"
"You know, the Lifetime channel. They show all those cheesy movies like 'the cheer mom gone mad, killing the cheer squad leader.' Yeah, I know it's bad but you asked and I'm just being honest here," she said.
"Oh brother," I moan, rolling my eyes at her.
"Hey, you asked, 'pancake face'!" Emily said as she moved closer and started tickling me.
"That's it you're gettin' it!" I yelled out as I turned over and startled tickling her. We both were laughing hysterically and then we both stopped at once. Our faces were inches away from each other and I could make out the slightest remains of a scar on her face. I had her pinned down to the floor; my shirt that she was wearing was pulled up a little bit revealing the side of her panties. I wanted to kiss her so bad and it looked like she wanted it too but I refrained. I got up to clear the dishes and Emily followed behind me.
"So what are the sleeping arrangements?" Emily asked looking around my rather empty house.
"Well, as you can see, I have no couch otherwise I would offer to sleep there, so it looks like you and I will be sharing my bed because I am not sleeping on the hardwood floor," I said to her.
"I can sleep on the floor, I don't want to put you out," Emily said.
"Emily, don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to let you sleep on my cold hardwood floor. Plus I don't really have any extra bedding. I think we are grown up enough to sleep in the same bed. Don't worry; I won't try anything on you if that is a concern," I said to her.
"It's okay with me if it's okay with you. I'm going to use your restroom, I'll be right back," Emily replied as she walked away.
While Emily was in the bathroom I finished up the dishes, turned off the stereo and crawled into my cold bed. Emily came out of the bathroom and crawled in under the covers, being careful to stay on her side of the bed. I could feel her shivering in the bed, "Are you really that cold?" I asked.
"Sorry-if- I'm-shaking-the-bed, I'm-freezing," Emily said through chattering teeth.
I turned over and wrapped my body around her. She fit so perfectly and she quickly stopped shivering. "Thank you," she said, relaxing her body beneath me.
"Emily," I whispered.
"Yeah Sam," she whispered back.
"What is that scar on your face from?" I asked, curiosity getting the better of me.
I felt Emily stiffen a bit beneath me and she finally said in one breath, "I was in an accident with my mom when I was a kid."
I didn't ask any more questions. I could sense that it was an unpleasant subject for her and she drifted off to sleep. I laid there with her snuggled into me feeling happier than I'd felt in a long time. I closed my eyes and visions came to me... Emily and me walking hand in hand along the beach in La Push, Emily in the kitchen baking muffins, and finally Emily smiling up at me as I rubbed her round belly.
I open my eyes; had it been a dream? No, I knew in that instant that it was a vision of my future. A future that would include the girl lying next to me... 'a troubled cure, for a troubled mind'. A feeling of elation took over me. Emily is my soul mate, guilt will no longer haunt me and the sadness in my eyes has been replaced with the twinkle of life that Emily sparks in me.
I whisper to her sleeping form, "I love you," and fall asleep holding her.
**********
Time Has Told Me
Lyrics by Nick Drake
Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.
And time will tell you
To stay by my side
To keep on trying
'til there's no more to hide.
And time has told me
Not to ask for more
Someday our ocean
Will find its shore.
So I`ll leave the ways that are making me be
What I really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making me love
What I really don't want to love.
Time has told me
You came with the dawn
A soul with no footprint
A rose with no thorn.
Your tears they tell me
There's really no way
Of ending your troubles
With things you can say.
So leave the ways that are making you be
What you really don't want to be
Leave the ways that are making you love
What you really don't want to love.
Time has told me
You're a rare rare find
A troubled cure
For a troubled mind.
And time has told me
Not to ask for more
For some day our ocean
Will find its shore.
A/N: Much gratitude goes out to the following: My Beta Ash, my writing would read like a 3rd grade essay if not for her; my fellow Wolf Pack girls, Twi and JB who deal with my Chaske crushing on a daily basis; Mskohl for putting ideas into my head and helping me work through them; *get off the stage music cued* and finally, the rest of my DCC for being my crutches and my personal cheerleaders. I love you all!
Please please please review with a cherry on top!!! XoXo