Today was my due date. I should be looking into my son's eyes or getting ready to pop, but when I look down I can see my feet and not a baby bump where my son is supposed to be growing. I felt empty and alone and a thousand other things that can't be explained. No one can feel like I do right now as I walk down the hallway of the post partum section of the hospital. Every few rooms I look into the window and see the women meet their child for the first time. I'll never do that, I'll never see my baby's face, he'll never run around or even have a name. As I look into the next window I see Carly and Jax.

We were pregnant at the same time. She was high risk from the beginning, I was told as long as I didn't stress out too much I would have a healthy baby in nine months. I stand at this window and watch as Kelly gives Carly her little girl. Carly smiles and coos and looks like that baby in her arms is all she needs. My baby was my one chance, I don't think I'll get another one.

For a second I even see myself in Carly's bed, with a little blue blanket in my arms and Sonny by my side. I laughed at that idea. Sonny didn't know where I was, not that he cared. I want a real marriage my ass, he's still with me though. He didn't care enough about our son when he was alive to care now that he was dead. Jax kissed Carly's head as he looked into his daughter's eyes for the first time.

My grief is crushing me, I feel it. Maybe it'll just crush me into oblivion and I won't have to live anymore. I wanted to be a mother so bad and right now I'm so jealous of Carly. That's her third child, my baby was my first. She had three things to live for and I have none. I wanna scream and cry, but I can't. Maybe I'll put a gun to my head tonight and pull the trigger.

Johnny's been there, he's helped me. I appreciate that he's trying but it doesn't work. Kristina killed my baby, but I can't get revenge on her. I feel my grief, it's getting heavier and heavier. I feel tears trickle down my cheek. The precious first family scene is killing me.

I just want, I don't know what I want. My son was going to love me, so I guess I want someone to love me. Is it really that hard to believe? These people in this town don't understand what I've seen and heard. They don't know my inside, they only judge what they see on the outside. I'm being tortured even more now since the baby died.

I swear my grief is pushing me closer and closer to the floor. I try to stop the tears, because it hurts to much. To think that I could've been happy like that. I try to keep walking away, but I just want to watch. Jax takes the baby from Carly and starts spinning around the room. I was thinking that I could take a baby and run. Raise it as my own, but with these scenes I can't bring myself to do it anymore.

I can't cry anymore, I think, there's nothing left. I shake, I'm in pain. I could go stand in front of the nursery window and that would hurt too. My tears start pouring down again. I feel arms wrap around me, I figure it's John. I collapse in his arms. "Claudia. It's okay." The voice tells me, it's Sonny.

I turn to face him. "How'd you know I would be here?" I ask trying to wipe the tears from my eyes, just to have him wipe them for me. "It was on the calendar. I'm here." I become numb and limp like a rag doll. I place my forehead on his chest and sob, deeply. That was all I needed to hear. He carries me to the car and sits in the back seat with me. Whispering words of comfort that are only audible to me. It helps but I still sob, he wipes my tears away. My grief is lightening, barely, but still.

We may not be together forever, I know that. All good things must come to an end, just like my baby boy did. Right now though I need him and in a way I feel like he needs me too.