This is a dedication to my cousin Hadley who got me hooked on her fanfiction stories and is a fellow Twilight and Harry Potter addict.
Do you like cookies?
This scene consists of yours truly, Hadley, Edward, Bella, Jacob, and Remus Lupin.
Ashley: Welcome ladies and gentleman to our show.
Hadley: How come you always get to start the show?
Ashley: Because this is all in my head.
Hadley: I still think I should start.
Ashley: No that's just stupid.
Hadley pulls out a chocolate chip cookie.
Ashley: Ok. You can start.
While Ashley is nibbling on a cookie, Hadley begins the introduction.
Hadley: Our guests for today are the vampires and wolves you've come to love- Edward, Jacob, and Remus.
The audience claps as they step onto the stage.
Bella: *clears throat*
Hadley: Oh and Bella.
Bella says sarcastically: Thanks Hadley.
Hadley: Your welcome.
Everyone sits down. Ashley finishes her cookie.
Ashley: We're here to find out more about the men behind the fangs.
Bella: What about me?
Ashley: What about you?
Bella: Don't I get to tell everyone about my past?
Hadley: A little nobody girl from Phoenix falling in love with the tortured vampire. How original. Why are you even here?
Bella: I was invited and I didn't write the story.
Hadley: That's no excuse.
Ashley: Besides, we haven't forgiven you for what you put Edward and Jacob through.
Bella: But I couldn't choose between them. I mean look at them. Can you blame me?
Hadley and Ashley eye the boys, noting their physique admiringly.
Hadley and Ashley answer: Touche.
Ashley: Back to our original point- we want to find out more about these gentlemen.
Hadley: We have questions from some of our fans that we would like answered.
Jacob: Fire away.
Ashley: The first question is for Edward.
Jacob (mutters): Of course.
Ashley nods towards Hadley. Hadley walks to Jacob and kisses him. He stares at her dumbfounded.
Ashley: When we think a guest needs cheering up, we kiss them.
Remus: What do you do if they are a pain in the ass?
Ashley grabs a white glove and slaps it across Bella's face. The guys stare in shock.
Bella: What the hell was that for?
Ashley: I was giving a demonstration.
Bella: But I didn't even do anything!
Ashley: I'm sure you did something wrong with your life.
Bella (hurt): *whimper whimper*
Hadley: Anyway, the first question is for Edward. Crow wrote "Edward, what is your deepest regret?"
Bella: I already know that- falling in love with a human girl.
Edward: Actually I've done worse things before I met you.
Bella: What kinds of things?
Edward: Things I'm not proud of.
Jacob (eagerly): Tell us more.
Edward (ashamed): I'd rather not.
Ashley: Hadley get the gun.
Edward: GUN???!!!
Jacob: Hell yeah, that's what I'm talking about.
Hadley pulls out a dart gun.
Jacob (disappointed): Oh that kind of gun.
Ashley: Shoot him in the ass.
Hadley fires a dart right at Edward. He plucks it out and appears to be unaffected by it.
Ashley: Stupid vampire. Fire some more!
After 20 shots, it starts to take effect. Woozy, Edward sits down.
Ashley: Those darts contain a truth serum and you'll have to answer all questions honestly.
Hadley: Edward what is your deepest regret?
Edward: Cookies.
Remus: Cookies? Don't tell me you're like those crazy chicks that freak out about anything that isn't celery.
Edward: No! It all began with cookies. After becoming a vampire, I was so full of hate.
Ashley: Yeah yeah and you thought you were a monster. We've got it. Skip to the good part.
Edward: Who's telling the story here?
Hadley: Whose show are you on?
Edward: Fair enough. Where was I?
Jacob: You're a monster. I knew that the moment I first saw you.
Ashley pulls out the glove. Jacob flinches away.
Jacob: I'll be good.
Ashley: Good, otherwise I'll have to bring out Mommie Dearest.
Remus: Who?
Joan Crawford steps from the shadows, dangling a wire hanger from her waist. She whistles softly and glares at them.
Joan Crawford: I SAID NO WIRE HANGERS!!
The guys hide behind their chairs.
Hadley (laughs): That's one crazy bitch.
Edward: Can I continue with the story?
Ashley: By all means.
Edward: I was tortured by the cruelty of the world. It wasn't fair that I was made into a monster. So I decided to make others more miserable than me. I found a cookie shop and stole all of their cookies.
Ashley: And you didn't even share? You know how I love cookies.
Edward: I know.
He pulls out a strawberry cookie and tosses it to Ashley.
Edward: Anyway, I stole the cookies and used them as bait. I would wait by the elementary school and glamour little children. They fell under my spell, but to be safe, I made sure I always carried cookies. I would pull them out of my bag and ask "Do you like cookies?" They would nod and follow me into the woods.
Ashley spits her strawberry cookie out and stares at Edward.
Jacob: Dude that is fucked up. You molested children in the woods?
Remus: Freak!
Edward: No you idiots. I ate them.
Hadley: You ate little children?
Edward: Drank, ate same difference.
Jacob: That's fucked up.
Remus: You're worse than the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Edward (ashamed mutters): Where do you think she got the idea for the gingerbread house?
Ashley: That was you?
Jacob: Holy shit, she's real?
Edward: Of course she's real. You didn't think the Brothers Grimm were clever enough to come up with that stuff on their own do you?
Jacob: And I thought you were a monster because you stole my girl.
Bella: I'm not your girl you stupid mutt.
Jacob's head hangs low. Ashley slaps her across the face with a white glove.
Ashley: I knew you would be trouble.
Bella: That hurt you bitch!
Hadley: Don't call my cousin a bitch you skank!
Bella tackles Hadley to the ground and Hadley kicks her in the ribs. Remus is infuriated.
Remus: Get away from my wife leech-lover!
He transforms into a werewolfe and drags Bella by the pants.
Bella: Get off of me you stupid animal.
Hadley: Take that you whore!
Jacob yells: Get away from Bella!
He transforms into a werewolf and bites Remus. Remus yowls in pain and bites him back. While the wolves claw at each other, so do Hadley and Bella.
Ashley noticing the trash and blood scattered on the floor says : Oh would you look at the carpet?
Edward: This is a mess. Do you think they will stop?
Ashley: Oh yeah Bella doesn't stand a chance. Hadley plays soccer, she knocks girls to the ground.
Edward: What about Jacob and Remus?
Ashley: Well if Hadley wins, she's not going to stand by and let Jacob beat up her hubbie.
Edward: So very true.
They watch as everyone fights ruthlessly. Edward pulls something out of his bag.
Edward: Do you like cookies?