Oh to be the grandmother of an orc!

Taka: hee hee! Random stories are so much fun! Insane plot bunnies strike again! If I were an orc's grandma, I'd die of shame! Then again, I'd be an orc too... so...maybe...This is confusing. 'xx' Never mind.

Once upon a time…

Somewhere in the 3rd age of Middle Earth, a great struggle was taking place between a fat little midget and a dude whose only eye had a serious case of ocular meningitis. (I don't know if it exists but hey, what else do you call it?) Anyway, the war of the ring hadn't started yet but the cute lil' midget and his buddies were already off. Elrond had been quite happy to send them off after he had caught his daughter and Aragorn making out. All he could hope was that Arwen wouldn't be to crushed when he told her of how the dreadful balrog had eaten Aragorn for a snack.

The Fellowship of the Ring had already tried to get across Caradras without success and was now about to brave the tunnels of dreaded Moria! Mwahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Ahem

We already know this. Do we really need to hear more about any of these companions? Nope! They've already got a couple of books, movies, web sites and huge fandoms in their names. But what about the orcs? Granted, orcs aren't the nicest or brightest or best or anything else that ends with –est unless you count ugly. So if you don't want to read any more about them, I suggest you push the back button. For this is their story.

Ashfutz the Wrinkled squinted down at the muted metal in her lap. "Oh, to the Cracks of Doom with it! I can't see my work." Most old women like to knit and Ashfutz no exception. At the moment, she was knitting a rather gruesome piece of chainmail with metal spikes "for decoration".

It was a gift for her grandson, Batheck the Smelly whom she fondly referred to as "Bath". This was ironic as he had never taken a bath (hence his title Smelly.)

Mashkaz the Nagger smiled over at her friend, revealing pointed teeth that were desperately in need of a Discount Dental plan to say the least. " I know what you mean dear, the small bit of torchlight helps of course, but there's nothing like those balrogs now are there. We should invite him to tea some time. He is awfully nice when he's not devouring our relatives, now isn't he? Besides, with him around we never want for light."

"I know but every time he comes round I always end up having to get people to play monopoly with him and he's dreadfully good at it. It takes forever and of course, his customary eating of the losers always put a damper on things."

"I know exactly what you mean," Mashkaz sighed.

"Oh well, how's your son Tez?"

"Oh he's fine. Did you hear that he has been promoted? First captain of squad 256! He is having ever so much fun running around killing things."

"Is he? Well, lets hope he brings back some meat. I'm frightfully hungry."

"So am I. And how's Bathy? Is he still getting a tattoo for every creature he's killed?"

"Of course. The other day he showed me his new one. Got it from killing a spider on the wall." Ashfutz beamed proudly.

"Marvelous." Mashkaz turned back to the hairy loincloth she was patching and hummed a little tune.

BoomBoomBoomBoomBoomBoomBoom

Meanwhile, in the tunnels of Moria, Batheck was talking to his ugly orc buddy Kimbabul the Hideous.

"Did you hear?" Batheck asked excitedly.

"Hear what?"

"There have been reports of intruders down here! They are up in the winding lane of bakufu right now."

"Oh really?We don't have scouts that far up, Smart one," Kimb sneered.

"You think I'm smart? Oh Kimb! That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me!" Bath cried throwing his arms about the other orc in gratitude. Kimbabul nearly fainted from the stench.

"I was being sarcastic!" he snapped, his head still reeling with the aftershock of the powerful odor.

"Oh, well…never mind. But anyways, the stupid intruders weren't very careful. You wanna know what they did? You wanna know huh Kimb?"

"Get on with it already moron!" Kimb snarled.

"They knocked the bucket down the bottomless well. It made such a din when it fell! And then, someone said, 'Tool of a Cook!'"

"That's what they said?"

"Yep! I wonder if we could take the cook alive. Brains taste so much better when they're prepared right."

"I dunno- Oh wait! I can hear the drums!"

"What do the drums mean?" Bath asked slowly.

Kimb rolled his yellowish orbs of eyes. "It means that there's intruders."

"But we already knew-" He was cut off by the appearance of their leading captain. This was a very unfortunate orc, as he was not blessed with the usual characteristics of most orcs. He wasn't ugly, he didn't have a nasty voice or bad teeth or even mottled skin. But he did have a very ill-tempered disposition to make up for it.

This orc was most commonly known as Barsh the fluffy. He was a chubby furry cute little monster. He had big shiny black eyes, a little snout, and sweet pot belly. He looked very much like a soft, if badly dressed, teddy bear. Man had Sauron messed up with that one.

Anyway, Barsh yelled at them to get their $#; &&! on the move. (These were some very naughty words in Orcish that I didn't bother translating, as they would be censored.)

As they ran from the downy-furred terror, they found themselves in the main passageway. Unfortunately, there seemed to be a traffic jam.

"Hurry up!" someone yelled. "What's the hold up?" another inquired. "You dungheaps had better skedaddle or you'll regret it," a third person growled. Mass confusion swept the hallway. A commanding voice came from the mini-megaphone speaker in the cave corner. "This hallway has been blocked due to a homecoming party for 1 Gimli, Gloin's son. All orcs without VIP passes will be escorted from the area in 30 seconds by the security guard." The orcs looked around in bewilderment. A large, crude mace smashed a gaping hole in the wall. "Did I mention that the security guard is a troll?" The voice cackled.

"It's not fair!" wailed Bath, "I wanna join the party too!"

"Yeah," said Kimb wistfully. "I bet they've got real food and stuff even…"

A few orcs paused. Real food? "There's a girl there too, I saw her before the doors shut." One piped up. "Naw, that was an elf stupid!" Another said swatting him over the head.

But many orcs were stopping. Then they heard what sounded like some drunken singing coming from inside. This was actually Merry and Pipin's squeaks of fright, but then, whover said that orcs had an ear for music. They thought drinks were being served!

A massive mob rushed the door. They even persuaded the cave troll to join them with promises of beer.

"Oooo, They're shooting arrows! Don't they know that they could hurt somebody?" Bath complained. "I can't wait to eat these people's brains. I hope they don't use them."

"Why?" called Kimb across the way.

Well, they say that farm animals taste better casue they don't use thier muscles, a brains a muscle, and so it might taste better if they don't use thiers at all. Empty haeds make for better meals..." Regretably, Kimb did not have the cance to tell his deluded friend of the huge gaps in his logic, or to even hurl a parting insult because of a well placed sword thrust that he had not quite seen coming.

Oh well, you know what happens now…. A BATTLE! Also regretably, Batheck the Smellywas killed by an arrow.In a little twist of fate, he fell over into the well after being shot and fella long way down, where he landed in a pool of water. So Bath did indeed get one bath before his demise,but not before he had killed many others . Well, actually he killed other orcs with his foul scent.(What a coincidence eh?)Pity. At least his grandmother won't have to finish her knitting.

THE END!