Hopeless

Summary: Hurt, loss and betrayal. Everyone is gone and Remus Lupin is alone. RL/SB

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is life... but it's not mine.

A/N: This is the first fanfic I've decided to put online so please don't hate me & please review! :)

'No...no...NO!' Remus Lupin cried, falling to his knees in despair. Dumbledore placed a pale hand on his shoulder, the touch was cold underneath his torn robes and the attempt at comfort was meaningless to him as, to Remus it was impossible to see what the point was anymore?

Everything was gone. Everyone was gone: James, Lily, Peter and... Sirius.

How could Sirius do this? How could he betray everyone he loved? Was their love not enough for him? Wasn't Remus' love enough for the great Sirius Black?

Clearly not.

Not everyone had perished though, Harry was not gone. He was however, like Remus, very alone in this awful world.

He could not look up. He would not look up at the house that his best friends once called home. It stunk of magic; dark magic that filled the werewolf's nose causing the beast deep inside him to growl at the stench. The yellow grass was dry and dead beneath his hands.

Dry and dead, much like the remnants of my soul, Remus thought bitterly. He angrily gripped and pulled the wilted clumps out of the earth and crushed them under his firm grip, while sobbing silently, tears streaming down his unwashed cheeks. He hadn't believed Dumbledore when he had informed Remus of the accident...

The betrayal.

Reluctantly, he looked up at the wreck that lay before him. There was a massive, gaping hole that had blasted through the side of the house. The windows were smashed and the front door was hanging loosely on one hinge, but other than that, the house looked eerily peaceful.

He did not look away as he addressed the headmaster at the side of him. 'Sir... W-would it be all right if I looked around... just one last time.' he exhaled shakily, before continuing, 'I need to see..' his voice broke, but he need not finish this sentence. He heard the wise wizard beside him sigh in a melancholy way as he removed his hand from the werewolf's shoulder.

'Alone I presume, Remus?' he sounded concerned and slightly weary. Remus was surprised that he did not need to argue his case further, but he did not show it.

'Please if you don't mind, Professor. It wont take long, I just need...' He struggled.

"The great Remus Lupin: lost for words!"

"Shove off Prongs!"

'...well, closure, I guess.' wiping his nose on his dishevelled sleeve, he glanced away for moment to look at Dumbledore, determined.

'Very well, Remus. I won't be far away if you call.' he smiled sadly when Remus remained stoic, trying to hide his devastation that showed up so clearly in his lush eyes.

'Thank you, Sir.' He got to his feet and, focusing on his target, began to walk forward towards the house. He pushed the crumbling door aside and entered the hallway, illuminated by the crimson sunset outside. A large scratch ran the whole way down the hall on the wall. The mark reminded Remus of those he would make on the full moon when the wolf was frustrated. This one was different though. This one was not marked by an animal, but a wand. Furniture and ornaments lay smashed and destroyed as he ventured further into the house.

He came to face a shape, drawn in white chalk at the bottom of the stairs at the end of the hall. Remus stared at the place James' body once laid, cold and lifeless and choked back a moan of despair. James: the man who had always accepted Remus and had been the greatest friend he could have ever hoped for, was gone. He was not coming back. A wave of a wand and an incarnation made sure of that. He gripped the banister for support and breathed deeply, composing himself, before moving upstairs; towards the nursery.

The door had been blasted off its hinges and discarded to the side. There was rubble everywhere. The only bit of furniture left unscathed by the blast was the cot. The wind blew in from where the wall should have been and sent shivers down Remus' spine. A second chalk pattern lay at the foot of the cot.

Lily.

Lily, with wild red hair that always blew gracefully when she walked; with eyes like emerald orbs that constantly shone like the stars in the sky; who was there for Remus once when no one else was. Lily: the doe to James' stag. Both gone.

Taken away.

Remus was light headed. He felt oddly dizzy. That's when he heard it: manic laughing. He covered his ears like a child but it was no use. The sound was coming from inside his head. It was merciless and cold; it was purely Voldemort. He screamed as the laughter became unbearable. That was when his own pained cries were drowned out by Lily's as she pleaded with the unreasonable laughter.

Dumbledore's hand was back on Remus' shoulder; bringing him back to reality. He opened his eyes, not remembering when he had closed them in the first place. His vision was glassy and wet. He turned to Dumbledore questionably, albeit already knowing the answer.

'Did- did you hear her?' Dumbledore shook his head, still smiling at Remus in pity, and replied with sympathy.

'This house is-and I think you have noticed this too- filled with uncontrollable magic. I do not think it wise for us to be in its presence longer.' he looked around wearily.

'Sir,' Remus shook his head slowly, clearing his mind, 'He laughed as she begged him. Voldemort -he laughed at her death. I heard her scream as she died. How is this fair. This is not right; its sick!' He whimpered as his voice shook.

'None of this is fair Remus and none of this is right.' he motioned the werewolf to stand. Remus obediently stood, this body was too drained to argue or protest. 'Now, come Remus. I take it you will want to see them, James and Lily that is?' Remus sniffed (a sound he detests so much he winced inwardly) and nodded his reply as words failed him. Dumbledore, still clutching Remus' shoulder, sighed and together: they disapparated.

RSRSRS

When they apparated to the graveyard, Remus stumbled to the ground from exhaustion. He quickly recovered, brushing leaves off his shaggy robes. They were silent for a couple of minutes as Remus scanned the setting, then he saw it. The stone shone against the moonlight, brighter than all the other graves. Remus had been on a mission when the Potters were killed and Dumbledore had conveniently waited until the end of his mission to inform him. It was because of this, that Remus had missed the Potters funeral; the lycanthrope still hasn't forgiven Dumbledore for that and wasn't likely to any time soon. Finally, the headmaster spoke,

'Excuse me for a second, Remus while I quickly send an owl to Hogwarts. I trust that you will want to look around.' He turned away. Despite Remus's desperate need to move away, curiosity got the better of him.

'Sir, may I ask? Is everything all right at-'

'Ah, Remus, all in good time.' his eyes twinkled as he glided away towards the barn owl that had suddenly landed on a bench not too far away. Shaking his head in exasperation at the Headmaster's antics, Remus set off towards the grave that had caught his attention before.

He stood before the stone, shadowing the moonlight that reflected off it, taking in the words engraved upon it.

James Potter

Born 27 March 1960

Died 31 October 1981

Lily Potter

Born 30 January 1960

Died 31 October 1981

The Last Enemy That Shall Be Destroyed is Death

'I'm so sorry. Prongs, Lily, I am so, so sorry.' He whispered, falling to his knees, pressing his head against the cool stone. 'Fuck, James this isn't right. You, Lily, you weren't supposed to die. You were supposed to live and grow old together and watch Harry grow up... but no. That would have been too easy, and that would have been fair, and the world clearly doesn't work like that.' he sighed.

'I would have died for you James;' putting a lot of emphasis on the "I". 'you too Lily... I just... I can't believe you're both gone and Peter too.' he hesitated, biting his lip. 'and Sirius. James he was your best friend, how could that bastard do this to us?!' His voice was growing steadily louder. 'You trusted him! We all trusted him! He was your brother in everything but blood... but I guess that just wasn't enough for him. He betrayed us all. I'm sorry... so sorry. I will never forgive myself for not seeing through that piece of filth before now... before it was too late.' He held his head in his hands, slowly rocking back and forth. 'I want to hate him for all he has done, Prongs, but I can't... that just shows how far he played us, I guess. Using our love to destroy us.' He stopped there, unwilling to say anymore.

He wiped away a stray tear and shivered as a large gust of wind blew by; slowly, he forced himself to his feet. 'I'll visit again soon, I promise. I love you both; I'm so sorry.' he repeated again. Pulling out his wand from his robes, he conjured a deep red rose that came to rest in front of the gravestone. 'Bye guys.' he whispered before turning away to meet Dumbledore who greeted him with a reassuring smile. 'Sir?'

'Yes, Remus.'

'I'd... I'd like to go home now if that's all right. I came here straight from my mission and I am quite exhausted. I hope you understand.' Dumbledore's smile faltered slightly as his face filled with such remorse, that Remus feared what he was going to say next.

'I am sorry Remus, it is will regret that you can not return home tonight, or at all really.'

'Oh? And why is that' Remus replied, slightly agitated, forcing down the small voice in his head that told him he was perceptive enough to have guessed by now why.

'Shortly after Voldemorts' downfall, the death eaters went on a rampage. I am sorry to tell you that they burned down the flat you shared with Sirius that night, presumably in rage.' Whatever colour that remained on Remus' face vanished.

'B-burnt it down? Everything is g-gone?' he stuttered. It was official. Everything was lost. He had nothing left. 'Where can I go?' he asked, more to himself than the headmaster. He stared at his shoes as Dumbledore gazed intently at him.

'As I recall, your father, Lyall-'

'No.' His head snapped up. 'I'm Sorry professor, but I cannot go back and burden my father any more. He has already sacrificed enough of his life for me and I will not allow any more.' He rubbed the back of his neck in frustration. He needed Dumbledore to understand. 'I want him to spend the rest of his life in peace; away from me...' Dumbledore nodded.

'I see. It is your choice, I am aware of that, I was merely suggesting possibilities. However, as you are reluctant for that option, may I suggest that you stay at Hogwarts until such time as you get back on your feet.' Remus shook his head.

'I do not want to impose-'

'Nonsense! Really Remus I insist. Where else will you go?' It was a fair point. Where else could Remus go? Dumbledore was the only one left that he trusted. He sighed in defeat.

'All right. Thank you headmaster. I can not tell you how much I appreciate this, really, but just for tonight.' He meant the words as he said them.

'Very well, Remus' he held out his arm. He was holding an old can. 'I have sent an owl along informing the staff that you will be staying at the school and I have arranged the house elves to prepare a bed for you in Gryffindor tower.' He winked a sparkling blue eye and smiled proudly at his own assumption.

Dumbledore, Remus thought, was an arrogant, old codger who loved being right, but that did not deny how grateful he was at his kindness. He motioned Remus to clasp the portkey which he hesitantly did (knowing what was coming next). With a nauseating sensation, they journeyed to Hogwarts.

RSRSRS

Remus' stay at Hogwarts was not a pleasant one. To Remus the castle was filled with memories and pointless dreams.

Remus stayed in the seventh boys dormitory-the only one with a spare bed. Not that he would need a spare bed. In light of Voldemort's downfall, students had all gone home to spend time with their families and celebrate their new found freedom, leaving the entire tower empty, save for the werewolf. Despite this, Remus felt that it was probably best sleep in the spare bed anyhow. You never know with teenage wizards.

He spent the best of an hour trying and failing to get comfortable. He had not slept in over two days yet he felt strangely alert and awake. Remus blames this on the werewolf camps where you can't trust anyone. He closed his eyes for the sleep that did not come and analysed his situation.

He had nothing; they took away everything... Sirius took everything. Not that Remus had anything much to start with. True he carried a large weight around with him for 21 years, but these were not treasures. It was the weight of the world that he carried, too large for someone so young.

'But what happens when you take everything away from someone who had nothing to give, Moony?'

At the time Remus did not know how to reply to that. However, he has now had time to think about the answer...

'This, Padfoot, because you managed to find something...'

Finally, exhaustion took over and he drifted off to the world of nightmares.

RSRSRS

'Please... Please no... Don't do this... no... NO!'

Remus woke abruptly, panting and drenched in sweat. He curled up into a ball and began consoling himself. 'Dream. Just a dream; a nightmare. It's over. You're at Hogwarts, every thing's fine.' Except everything is not fine and everything is not over, he added in his head.

The lycanthrope was trembling, violently. This was most definitely not the first nightmare of his past, the war and the werewolf camps, but it was far from his last. Tears slipped silently down his pale, scarred face.

Up until recently though, Remus did not have to experience them alone. Usually, Sirius would be there, wrapping his arms around Remus, whispering calming words.

'Shh, love it's fine, I'm here; Padfoot is here.' Remus buried his face into Sirius's chest, whimpering silently. 'Moony, its fine. It was a dream. Just a dream; a nightmare. It's over now. I'm not going to let anything happen to you.'

The werewolf stared up at Sirius, ignoring the wet patch he had left on his partner's vest top. His eyes glistening with tears. 'What happened, Moony? Was it a new one?' He nodded in response. 'Do you want to talk about it?' Remus shook his head, then half way through changed his mind and nodded again.

'This... this one was different Pads.' Sirius cocked his head to the side in curiosity.

'Hmm, how so?' There was a pause.

'It wasn't a memory, like the usual ones.' Sirius nodded understandingly, although his eyes were screwed up in focus. He continued, 'It was... weird and awful, so very awful. Voldemort. He murdered Prongs and Lily and Harry and Peter in front of us... they lay cold at his feet. Then he-' He took a deep breath. He almost considered not telling Sirius. He didn't want to scare or worry the animagus. Finally, emotion and desperation to tell someone overpowered him. He continued (Sirius wouldn't let something like this slide easily anyway). 'He was torturing you... You were screaming and screaming. I couldn't do anything. I couldn't move. I desperately tried to get to you but I couldn't get there in time before they-' He voice broke as Sirius pulled him closer.

'It-it's fine Moony. That won't happen. That bastard will never get us.' His words clearly shook Sirius, Remus could hear it in his voice. 'We- we will beat him Moony. We're in this together... Besides, you wouldn't get rid of us that easily anyway.' He added at the end to ease the tension that had fallen between them. Remus let out a watery, forced chuckle, before becoming serious again.

'If anything ever happened to you Padfoot, I don't know what I would do...'

'Ditto, Rem.'

'I... I love you Sirius... and I always will.'

'I know, me too. I will always love you, Rem and I'll never leave you... or Prongs, Lils, Harry or Pete... I promise.' Remus nodded and snuggled deeper into his chest.

'Liar.' Remus muttered, coldly to the empty dormitory.

RSRSRS

'Professor?'

Dumbledore, currently petting the amber body of the beautiful, singing Fawkes, looked up. Remus poked his head around the door to the headmaster's office, nervously. He still looked exhausted.

'Ah, Remus. Do come in.' He gestured to the seat in front of his desk in which Remus, hesitantly sat, staring at his hands. Dumbledore moved from Fawkes- who continued singing serenely, giving the lycanthrope goose-bumps- and sat behind his own magnificent seat behind his desk.

Remus suddenly felt every small; shadowed and unworthy, like a child. When he found his confidence (and his voice) he gazed up and locked eyes with the wise, old wizard.

'Harry.' His voice quivered, but his face remained stoic. Dumbledore raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue. Remus broke eye contact for a split second to clear his throat. He he were to achieve anything today he needed to be confident. 'I want to see Harry.' Dumbledore's welcoming smile dropped and Remus could swear he felt Dumbledore's gaze harden on him then. Of course the professor was over-protective about Harry but Remus had to be sure, so he asked bitterly, 'Do you not trust me, sir?' Dumbledore looked almost angry. He shouldn't have asked, he knew, but he was sick of lies and people seeing him as untrustworthy.

'Yes Remus, of course I trust you, more than most I can assure you. Surely these past ten years have proved that?' Remus nodded once, corner of Dumbledore's lip twitched upwards as he calmed; slipping back into his old, laid back smile. This time, it was the werewolf's turn to harden his gaze.

'But you wont let me see him?' He mumbled accusingly. Dumbledore sighed.

'Remus, you are smart. You know why it would be very inappropriate for you to see Harry.'

'He's all that I have left, sir!' he burst out suddenly. 'I don't mean to be selfish, really, but... everyone else is gone. Harry and I: all we have now is each other; no one understands what he is going through more than me and vise versa. Everyone we loved is gone and they aren't coming back. I need to see him one last time, Sir... One final time.' he broke their gaze stared, instead, at the golden phoenix, who was still whistling. Remus knew that despite this, Fawkes was still following the convocation with just as much attention and motivation as he was putting into his song. Remus watched the bird enviously.

How perfect it must be to have no problems -to live the carefree life- to be able to spread your wings and fly away from everything, not knowing or caring where the wind and earth took you? |All of that, yet this beautiful bird chooses to stay? Why?

For the same reasons that everyone else stays, Remus thinks, one of which (in the case of magical folk) was the wizard sat opposite him:

Dumbledore.

'Certain precautions will be needed Remus.' Remus' head span around fast to stare at Dumbledore, disbelievingly. Surely not? His face felt funny and tingly, was he, Remus Lupin, smiling? It had been so long; too long since he last smiled properly.

'Really sir? You'll let me see him? Oh my gosh thank you so much sir. Thank you! When can I see him?' He abruptly stopped himself there. He shouldn't be too enthusiastic, Dumbledore could always change his mind. However, it turned out that Headmaster was instead chucking at Remus's enthusiasm instead.

'Like I said Remus, precautions need to be taken place, so therefore it will take a day or two maybe.' Remus' face fell slightly. 'In return for this Remus I must insist you stay in the castle until such time that we visit Harry. If you do not mind my saying, you look like you could do with some food and sleep... and maybe a firewhiskey?' He added before chuckling again, while Remus scoffed. Might take you up on that! he thought.

'I see. Thank you so much, sir. I really appreciate this.'

'It is understandable. This entire situation is hard, most of all for you and Harry. You two are, of course, alone while everyone else is celebrating; leaving one to wonder if there is in fact anything left that is worth celebrating...' Remus nodded, eyes pricking. Dumbledore, noticing this, continued,

'Light can always be found though, Remus. You just have to look for it.'

A/N: Whoo! so what do you think? I hope the beginning isn't too shabby. I don't usually like to think about Remus' life after October 1981, but it just became intriguing after a while. Please review and let me know what you think. I'll update soon. Cheers!