Chapter 1: The Normandy Gets It On
INT: NORMANDY
(Shepard, Tali, and Kaiden enter the Normandy airlock.)
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Decontamination in progress.
KAIDEN: So now we just wait for Anderson to let us go?
SHEPARD: Um, yeah, that's about right.
TALI: I wonder what we should do until then.
ELECTRONIC VOICE: Decontamination in progress.
SHEPARD: Tali, can you do something about that voice?
TALI: Sure.
(TALI steps over to the voice panel. There is a crash, then a whirring. The ELECTRONIC VOICE is now silent. TALI goes back to her position. Shepard follows her movements with his eyes.)
SHEPARD: Um, Kaiden, I need to speak to Tali about the, um, next mission -- in private.
KAIDEN: Ok, Commander.
(KAIDEN leaves the airlock and goes down to his place on the second deck. SHEPARD and TALI stay in the airlock. TALI shifts, subtly undoing the clasps on her suit. SHEPARD presses the decontamination button again. TALI stretches, undoing the zipper down her back. SHEPARD takes off his armor and stands there in his Normandy outfit. TALI shrugs off her suit, but still has her helmet on. SHEPARD pushes the button again. TALI removes her helmet. She is rather cute and strikingly human looking. SHEPARD undoes his shirt and takes it off. TALI builds a robot to push the button. SHEPARD and TALI step closer, both now stripped to their underwear. For anybody who isn't quite clear, they are still in the airlock. Just to clear that up.)
INT: NORMANDY SECOND DECK
(We now cut back to KAIDEN. For anybody unsure about what SHEPARD and TALI are doing in the airlock, they are having intercourse. I'm not going to describe that in detail because honestly, if you can't figure that out, get a girlfriend. And your imagination is probably a better descriptor. Now, back to KAIDEN.)
(KAIDEN is bent over his locker, just like always. Even though there is nobody around, he still bends over even more to conceal the knife in his hand. He cuts his hand and whimpers a little. He then walks off to the medical center. DR. CHAKWAS is not there. KAIDEN, looking relived, puts some medigel on his cut then walks quietly into LIARA's room.)
LIARA: Oh, Lieutenant Alenko, I didn't hear you.
KAIDEN: Nobodies listening.
LIARA: Oh. Kaiden, how I love you.
(A minute later, DR. CHAKWAS reenters the medical bay. She hears a thump, then a moan, then the sound of two bodies rolling on the floor. She puts up the sound proof barrier on the door, blocking out the noises. URDNOT WREX, for all purposes called WREX, enters the medical bay.)
DR. CHAKWAS: Hello Wrex
(She has a twinkle in her eye).
WREX: Hello, doctor.
DR. CHAKWAS: Do you need, um, assistance with anything, Wrex?
(She steps closer to him. He pulls off his armor plates, leaving only a comfortable mesh.)
WREX: In a manner of speaking.
DR. CHAKWAS: Oh, Wrex…
(WREX pulls DR. CHAKWAS close and they start making out. He gently eases them onto one of the beds and uses one hand to pull off his mesh. She unzips her jumpsuit-thing and he helps her out of it. They start going at it. Meanwhile, in the airlock…)
INT: NORMANDY AIRLOCK
(SHEPARD and TALI pull apart, panting. They look at each other for a moment, then go back at it. The robot whirs.)
INT: NORMANDY THIRD DECK
(GARRUS and ASHLEY are the only ones left on the third deck, the requisitions officer have wandered off to look at porn and the engineers having disappeared to get drunk in Chora's Den. KIRRAHE and his team are nowhere to be found. GARRUS and ASHLEY keep shooting small glances at each other. Finally, ASHLEY walks over to GARRUS.)
ASHLEY: Hey Garrus, can you help with th- aw, what the hey.
(They embrace and fall into the MAKO. The door shuts behind them. The vehicle rocks up and down. Hidden in the sound of hissing shocks is a small moan, then a louder moan, then a smaller one, then panting.)
INT: SOME RANDOM PLANET
(A MINIATURE GIANT SPACE HAMSTER wanders along a beach. Nobody but BLASTO cares.)
Chapter 2: Joker Gets It On, Which Really Does Deserve It's Own Chapter
INT: CITADEL TOWER: BASE OF THE SECOND STAIRS
EMILY WONG: Mr. Joker? Mr. Joker?! A word, please?
(JOKER rolls over in his super cool-and-amazing wheelchair.)
JOKER: Yes…?
(EMILY smiles.)
EMILY: I was wondering if I could be granted a private interview.
JOKER: Oh, um, sure. Let's go back to my place.
INT: THE CITADEL: JOKER'S APARTMENT
(An hour later, JOKER and EMILY are lying naked together in JOKER'S bed. They are both breathing heavily.)
EMILY: Mmm, you're a good interview subject… especially for a cripple.
JOKER: Why thank you.
(He rolls back over onto her. She giggles.)
INT: NORMANDY AIRLOCK, two hours after the beginning of this script.
(SHEPARD and TALI are asleep on the floor. TALI wakes up and stands. She bends down and shakes SHEPARD a bit. He wakes up and smiles, then gently pulls her back down to the floor. They make-out for a while longer, then redress and leave the airlock.)
INT: NORMANDY MEDICAL BAY
DR. CHAKWAS: Wrex, you're wonderful.
WREX: Would you like a taste of wonderful again before I leave?
DR. CHAKWAS: Mmmm…
(They lay into it.)
INT: NORMANDY: LIARA'S ROOM
(KAIDEN is sitting in LIARA'S chair, being straddled by LIARA. Good God.)
INT: NORMANDY: THE MAKO
(We hear GARRUS and ASHLEY inside the MAKO. They sound like they're still going at it. They must have a lot of energy.)
Chapter 3: Aftermath, Which I Suppose Really Doesn't Deserve It's Own Chapter, But Any Hoo
INT: NORMANDY SECOND DECK
(SHEPARD is returning to his quarters when he notices that KAIDEN is not there. SHEPARD goes to the medical bay to investigate. He walks in. Ten seconds later he comes sprinting out and throws up.)
INT: NORMANDY THIRD DECK
(TALI steps out of the elevator and goes into the engineering room, doing her best to ignore the bouncing MAKO. She checks something at her console, then hears a noise coming from the closet. She opens it up to find the ALLIANCE REQUISITIONS OFFICER on the phone with a sex line, crying softly.)
TALI: WTF?
REQUISITIONS OFFICER: Leave me alone! Leave Britney alone! *sob* Jerk!
TALI: Ok then, um, I'm just going to shut the door now…
(She shuts the door and returns to her console, trying to shake the encounter from her mind.)
INT: NORMANDY: THE MAKO
(GARRUS and ASHLEY finally pull apart. They lay there for a moment, laughing a bit, then redress in the cramped quarters of the MAKO.)
ASHLEY: I heard Shepard is taking you with him through the relay.
GARRUS: Yeah…
ASHLEY: Well be careful... you know, I want you to know some- actually, you want to find out, you'll just have to come back.
GARRUS: What?
ASHLEY: I said, you want to find out you'll just have to come back.
GARRUS: Yeah, I know what you said, but… that doesn't make sense. This all ends soon, and there won't be a chance for me to come back to you, I don't think.
(They look at each. After a moment, GARRUS looks away and sticks his head out of the MAKO. He hops out and goes back to his console. People seem to be doing that a lot in this story, don't they? I mean, TALI, now GARRUS, didn't KAIDEN? Oh wait no, that was a locker. Ah well, there will be more. Any-hoo… GARRUS returns to his console. A few minutes later, ASHLEY returns to her side of the deck.)
INT: MIDDLE OF OUTER SPACE
(KIRRAHE and his team are floating in outer space, a million miles from anywhere.)
KIRRAHE: Yup boys, we are lost.
BLASTO: Yes you are.
KIRRAHE: What the hey-
INT: NORMANDY THIRD DECK
(WREX exits the elevator, walking a little stiffly in his armor. GARRUS and ASHLEY do not notice. They can still hear SHEPARD retching in his quarters.)
INT: NORMANY MEDICAL BAY
(KAIDEN exits LIARA'S room, zipping up his jumpsuit. He gives the unconscious DR. CHAKWAS as wide a berth as he can and returns to his console- no wait, locker. DAMN IT!)
INT: NORMANDY BRIDGE
(JOKER and EMILY WONG are making out in JOKER'S chair. They break apart just in time to hear ANDERSON over the com.)
ANDERSON: Alright, you guys are free- JOKER! IS THAT A WOMEN?! SERIOUSLY?!
JOKER: She's, um, our, uh, field reporter, Emily Wa- Wong. Emily Wong, sir.
ANDERSON: Hmph. Well, go tell Shepard to get back to saving the galaxy. No doubt he and the rest of the crew have been fu*cking each other up all this time.
JOKER: Umm…
ANDERSON:…good God.
JOKER: Look, just because Kahlee Sanders totally dumped you, doesn't mean other people can't have love lives!
(He ends the transmission.)
JOKER: I hate that guy. Emily, you can be copilot. We have to go save the galaxy.
(He speaks into the intercom.)
JOKER: Ok, guys, we are off.
(JOKER hits a button on his console. The Normandy moves smoothly out of its dock and rockets towards the nearby mass relay. On the way, they pass the MINIATURE GIANT SPACE HAMSTER. Then they rocket off to Ilos to save Citadel Space. Horray!)