Vampires Make Lousy Housepets by S. Clark
Natalie Lambert cursed the manufacturer of her apartment door lock. As she wiggled the key and tried for the third time to unlock the door, a cold hand closed over hers. She gasped and jumped.
"Nick..." she turned to face the man behind her and was again surprised to find it wasn't Nick Knight. "Vachon."
"Can I help with that?" he asked.
She slapped him lightly on the arm. "I don't like people sneaking up on me."
He grinned and opened the recalcitrant lock. "And I don't like people hitting me." He handed her the keys. "We're even."
She rolled her eyes as he walked on into her apartment. By the time she entered the living room he was already seated at the couch and flipping through all of the channels on the television.
"Cable. Nice." He paused for a moment on an adult channel, and looked back at Natalie. "The home says so much about the person, don't you think?"
Natalie turned off the TV. "Not to be rude, Vachon, but I've had a long night at work. What do you need? And how did you get into my building?"
"Some nice woman down the hall. A Miss Johnson, I think, let me in."
"Great. The building gossip. I can hardly wait to hear about the rock and roll hooligan who came looking for me in the middle of the night."
He smiled. "Don't worry, she won't remember we spoke."
"Don't tell me you..." she started. "Never mind, I don't want to know." Natalie kicked off her shoes and took a seat in an easy chair. "But you didn't say what you're doing here."
"A construction crew came to my place yesterday. Well, the grounds. Anyway, I figure it's best not to be there for a day or two. You know how nosy city workers can be."
Natalie eyed him warily. "And you want exactly what?"
"Just a place to stay." he shrugged. "The couch is fine by me."
She put a hand to her forehead. "What about The Raven?"
"I don't like crowds. Not sure I want to be a guest of LaCroix, either."
"Nick's?"
"We've never been exactly chummy."
"Tracy's?"
He smiled for a moment. "Her mother was over this morning. Two's company, three's hard to explain."
"How about a hotel? I thought all you vampires were rather well off."
Vachon patted the pockets on his holey Levis. "Hmm. Must have forgot my platinum card in my other pants. Sorry to disappoint."
He stood up and walked towards the kitchen. "You know, some Indian tribes believe when you save a life, you're responsible for that life."
"And what tribe did you learn that from?" She moved into the kitchen, afraid to know what the sounds were coming from within.
"Little Big Man. Dustin Hoffman. Ever see it?" He was digging around in the refrigerator as she entered. "Do you ever eat here? The only green things are in take out containers." He held up a carton of orange juice. "And this juice is about two months past its expiration date."
"Fine, you can stay. But please, let me get some sleep."
"No problem, Doc."
She grabbed the juice from his grasp and stuck in back in the refrigerator, slamming the door.
###
Natalie had just settled into a light sleep when a loud yelp came from the living room. She rushed in to see Vachon jumping over the couch, chasing Sydney.
"I don't think you want to chase him up the drapes. Believe me, a cat his size wins against curtains. At this time of day that would be bad news for a vampire."
Vachon halted the chase. Sydney, unsure of what was safe, slunk towards Natalie's room, stopping to hiss at Vachon as he made his exit. Vachon hissed back.
Natalie glared at Vachon.
"What? The beast attacked me."
"I'm sure Sydney just wanted to sleep with you." She turned and walked back to her bedroom. "Shows questionable taste in my opinion," she muttered after she had closed the door.
"I heard that," he shouted after her.
She snuggled under the covers and tried to get to sleep.
###
At about noon, according to the alarm clock, Natalie was awoken by another loud crash coming from the living room. She entered it to find Vachon sweeping up the remains of a vase.
"This wasn't too valuable, was it? I can replace it."
From back behind her eyes Natalie started to feel the first tingles of a headache. "Don't worry about it."
"I'll get you another. I'm really sorry."
Natalie nodded and walked into the kitchen. A ghastly smell was coming from the coffee pot.
"I made you some coffee," he said.
He grabbed the carafe and poured the thick brown beverage into a mug. "I hope you like it strong.
She almost wretched as the smell hit her nostrils. "It's fine, I'm sure."
He chuckled.
"What's so funny?" She tried to look at him, but was having trouble merely keeping her eyes open.
"Did you know you talk in your sleep?"
She closed her eyes and rubbed left temple. "I do not."
He shrugged. "Not a problem. I'm surprised Knight never mentioned it to you. But, seeing how he was the topic..." He was stopped cold by her glare.
A moment passed in silence. Then he spoke again. "Uh, I looked around a little bit. I hope you don't mind."
She waved her hand around nonchalantly. "Oh, please, make yourself at home."
"But I noticed you don't have anything suitable to my, you know, special diet."
"This is not the blood bank, Vachon."
He shrugged. "No problem. I thought maybe Knight and all. Anyway, you know that neighbor was looking rather tasty."
Natalie narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't."
He grinned. "Probably not."
She thought to herself for a moment. This wasn't Nick. This vampire didn't have a problem with what he was. What was she thinking letting him in to begin with?"
"I can go find something." She placed the offending mug of coffee on the counter and walked to her room, looking for some clothes to throw on to make herself presentable enough to drop by work.
###
Natalie stashed a few spare blood bags from her lab within her overstuffed bag and made her way towards the exit of the Coroner's building. She'd run into very few co-workers, and didn't feel her sleep-deprived, caffeine-ridden brain would be able to come up with the excuse of why she was here during the day.
She just put her head down and marched towards the exit. She didn't even notice someone else ahead of her until she'd run smack into Tracy Vetter.
"Nat," said Tracy. "A little early, isn't it?"
Natalie looked up at the detective. "I could say the same for you."
Tracy stifled a yawn. "Actually, for me it's late. I stayed over for an extra shift. Nice excuse my partner has, sunlight and all. He misses all this fun."
Natalie nodded. "Hope you're done soon, Trace."
Tracy smiled. "I will be. And I'll be going home to nice, long bath."
Natalie started back on her way, but then turned after a couple steps. "Tracy, mind a quick question?"
Tracy turned to face her. "Sure. What can I help with?"
"I know this sounds weird, but you've been here since last evening, right? You haven't been back to your place?"
Tracy chuckled. "If I'd gone back, I wouldn't be here now. Unfortunately, it's been a work straight through kind of night. Why?"
Nat shrugged. "I was just curious. Forget I asked. And get some sleep, will you?"
Tracy raised her hand to her mouth to cover a yawn. "Not a problem."
###
Natalie returned to her apartment and tossed the blood bags in the refrigerator. She heard the sound of running water, and waited in the living room for Vachon to emerge from the shower.
She wasn't sure how long she had dozed off for, but when she woke up Vachon was seated next to her wearing her fuzzy pink bathrobe, sucking down a bag of A-positive and watching a rerun of some old western.
"Good morning," he said, smiling. "I hope you don't mind, I borrowed a few things."
"As long as it wasn't my toothbrush," she replied.
"Would that be a problem?"
She stared at him for a moment.
He put his hands up, as if to defend himself. "I'm kidding. It was a joke."
"By the way, Mister Vachon. I ran into Tracy Vetter."
"Oh?" No change in his expression.
"You lied to me about her mother being at her apartment. Tracy wasn't even there."
He shrugged. "I figured it'd be easier staying here with you."
"Easier? For whom?"
He just shrugged again. "You know, no expectations." He held up the empty bag. "Thanks for lunch."
She sighed and went into her room to choose an outfit for the day.
"I laid some clothes out on your bed. I think they go together well. Just a few suggestions."
He had placed several of her suits on her bed, each with a matching blouse and shoes and jewelry. And, of course, the appropriate undergarments.
She stood in the doorway of the bedroom. "I can't believe you went through my clothes."
"You've got some nice stuff, but why do you always insist on dressing so plain? Live it up a little."
"Vachon, I'm a coroner. In my line of work plain is de rigueur."
"I'm sure Knight wouldn't mind if you dressed up a little."
Natalie grabbed an outfit and headed for the shower.
###
As she was washing her hair that she realized the bottle of cream rinse was empty. There'd been over a quarter of a bottle. How could he use all of that in one shower? Even with her hair she expected what she had to last through the rest of the week so she hadn't yet bought any more.
As she was musing over hair care products she jumped out of the stream of water. The water had gone fully cold. Stepping out of the shower she had the even bigger surprise. No towels. Four towels? She kept four towels within the washroom. What did he need them all for?
Natalie walked to the door. Now, she had the choice of putting on the clean clothes, putting back on the dirty clothes, or just making a streak for the linen closet au natural. At least she thought she had the choice. She looked around the bathroom. The place had been cleaned out. All of the clothes were missing.
"Vachon," she shouted, now doing a slow burn. "Where are my clothes?"
"I was doing some laundry. My stuff. I figured you wouldn't mind if I added yours, too."
"Some of that wasn't washable, Vachon. Not to mention some was clean."
"Oh. It's hard to tell the way you tossed them all around the bathroom."
"Look, Vachon. Can you get me something to wear? You've left me with no clothes."
She opened the door a crack and he thrust the fuzzy pink robe inside. "Here you go."
She put on the robe and walked out of the bathroom to find him sitting onher couch, sucking on a bag of O-positive, watching the soaps and wearing nothing but a smile.
"Vachon!"
He shrugged. "You wanted clothes. I'm not cold."
She went into her room and grabbed some sweats and a shirt of Nick's that had found their way over to her place. She threw the clothes at Vachon and returned to her room to dress.
"Nice choice," he said, commenting on the blue combination she had chosen. "Works well to set off your eyes."
She would have admitted he was right if she wasn't finding him so frustrating by this point. She gritted her teeth. "Thank you."
Natalie walked back into the kitchen. The coffeemaker had been left on and the sludge had now pretty well solidified. It looked like he'd tried to use the microwave to warm up the blood bags. And she wasn't sure what was burnt into the pot on the stove, but she was also pretty sure she didn't want to ask. It took about half a second to decide she'd really rather go out and have someone cook a meal for her.
"I'm going to work now Vachon. Feel free to use the window to get out."
"No problem," he said. "It'll make it easier for me to get back in tomorrow morning."
She'd almost made it out the door. "What?"
"Tomorrow." He leaned back in the couch. "They'll be doing work out at the church all week."
###
When Natalie returned the next evening she found Vachon back in her apartment, relaxing in her fuzzy pink robe, and watching television.
"Honey, you're home," he joked.
She smiled. "And I even brought you dinner."
He was surprised. "Thanks." But he accepted the proffered bottle of what looked to be The Raven house special and took a couple deep swigs.
"No problem," she said, and pried the bottle from his still hand. "By the way, the numbness, that's curare. It should wear off within the next ten hours."
Natalie pushed Vachon into a prone position on the couch and covered him with a comforter. She made sure the drapes were secure and turned off the overhead light. "Sleep well."
As Vachon cursed this turn in events large mass landing on his stomach. Syndey had snuck in, jumped onto the couch, curled up into a ball and fallen asleep. "Maybe staying with LaCroix wouldn't be so bad after all," he managed through his clenched jaw.
In her room Natalie smiled to herself. 'I heard that,' she thought, and drifted off to sleep.