// By: Julie, March 2002
// Zell's POV
// Very minor yaoi by mention of "him" one time.
// Rated R for suicide and three (?!) curses.
// Little rage from within my mind. I based my rage on being in Zell's shoes - he's in love with Squall here. Although that really isn't a big part of this story. Is more about being alone. -- This is my own perception on my own life, but I used the characters for an outlet.
// This was inspired by a line from one of WaitingAngel's fan fics.
==================================
You know, in life you try so hard. They laugh so loud.
I dream. I've always dreamed. I hope. I long. I fucking desire. -- I'd like to be happy once in my life.
Sure I smile. Of course I smile. Of course you think I'm happy. I wouldn't be able to hide the pain if I didn't pretend. And I'm getting pretty fucking good at pretending, ne?
This life of mine. Its pathetic. I get up, shower, go to school, come home, sleep. Eating somewhere in there, too, of course. But my appetite is slowly going away. For food... for life.
I've tried so hard. To make those around me proud. But they laugh so loud.
And I cry. Hard. Tears pour out my eyes each night. I'm alone. Depressed in the shallows of my soul.
Is this it? The end of what I could possibly be? Is this all I can strive for in life? ... I try so hard each day.
I laugh and smile. I joke. I try to make people believe I'm okay.
I'm really okay. I swear. This is just a phase that I'm going through. Promise.
The switchblade is just a toy. Sure I cut myself each night. And Sure, each night it gets worse and worse - harder to stop - the blade goes deeper - the blood on the floor grows into a bigger and bigger puddle.
But it'll stop one day. Believe me. Don't worry. I don't let myself bleed to death.
Life is worth more then that. More then letting the blood seep out of my body.
Besides, I've still got dreams. I still fucking desire. I still long. I hope. I want.
This is just a phase. I won't self-mutilate forever. Promise.
Are you looking to give me hope? Looking to make me feel better? Are you going to try to pick me up off the floor - Don't forget about my heart now. Its right over there - shattered and torn apart.
How did my heart end up like that? Simple. You laugh so loud. I cried so hard. You didn't care enough. And I lied about being happy. -- I am happy, you know. Of course I'm happy.
Don't take this confession the wrong way. I'm happy. I love my life. Really.
Crying myself to sleep at night is a sort of comfort. Know why? Because it means someone still cares about me. Even if its only myself. I care about myself. I love myself.
Of course I do. Its not a lie. Why would I lie about that? I do appreciate everything life offers.
I enjoy getting up in the morning. I enjoy showers, the water hides the tears on my cheeks. And I enjoy school, the people laugh at me and make fun. It lets me know where I stand. And I do okay in school. Might do better if I tried harder, but I get distracted. I don't want to disappoint anyone.
Do I disappoint you? For not being perfect? For hurting myself? For crying?
I'll stop. Promise. This is just a phase in my life.
It'll end. One day. Swear on any Gods you could possibly believe in.
I don't want to disappoint you. Don't laugh, please. It hurts so much. I'm doing better. Swear.
I'm happy. See - this is me smiling. This is me laughing.
Are you disappointed? Did you want me to fail? Did you want me to hurt myself? Did you want to hurt me? Did you like it when I cried? Do you want me to kill myself? Or do you still want to help me? Looking to give me something to live for?
Oh, you want to know why. Of course you do. Its what everyone wants to know.
I wouldn't mind the pain everyone puts me though so much ... I could stand the tears. I would be able to do something better with my life. My dreams, hopes, desires wouldn't be dying... My appetite for food... for life wouldn't be fading away. My smiles would be real And my laughter would be pure and true ... if I had him.
Love. You know, the thing everyone desires in life. Love. Its amazing to feel love. To be with someone. To feel there arms wrapped around you. To have them hold you. To have them kiss you. To be made loved to. To feel their desire, longing to be with you. To have true love. To feel it beyond the depths of your soul.
Or so I heard, anyway. I wouldn't know, though. I've never had love.
But I'm still smiling. I'm still laughing. And, I gave up my switchblade. No more blood pouring from those wounds. Promise.
Told you it was only a phase.
I'm better. See -- this is me smiling.
Are you laughing? ... Its okay. I understand, I fell on my face. No one bothered to help me get up.
And my heart is still laying over there. Broken and torn apart. I'm laughing, too. I've forgiven this time.
Life has so much to offer, right?
I liked the feeling of a full stomach. I loved the feeling of a warm bed. I love showers - the hot water pouring over my body, hiding the tears I cried. I love laughter. And smiling is so wonderful. School is okay, but I've had enough of it. And the friends that I once had are completely gone.
But I did enjoy being with them.
Emotions are wonderful feelings. And I know what it feels like to love. Even if I don't know what its like to be loved. Its okay. Guess you can't win at everything.
And I gave up that switchblade. Its going to be all right. I'm getting better. No more self-mutilations for this blonde.
You see, I think I drank too much tonight. But I'm alone in this world void of light. And I feel sick. And I'm still crying. Alone. Utterly alone. No one even cares. You don't care that I've drank too much. You don't care I can hardly see straight.
But I can still see. And I know where I'm going. Tonight.
You see, I told you I was done with the switchblade. No more self-mutilations. No more blood pouring out onto that floor.
Because, before I die - I'd like to know what it feels like to fly...