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Notes/Disclaimer: Harry Potter and its characters obviously do not belong to me. This contains spoilers for... well, pretty much everything up to and including the sixth book. (Although if you haven't read at least up to three (or even five; I mean, come on) by now, what are you even doing here?)
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Sirius stared at the ceiling and wondered if he should wake Remus up. The other boy had been making whimpering noises in his sleep for the past five minutes now, and it was only getting worse. If it had only been random noises, Sirius would have been more amused than anything else, but these whimpers sounded truly painful, as though something really bad was happening to Remus. He must have been having a nightmare, Sirius thought. He should probably go wake him up.
But he hesitated. The last time someone has tried to wake Remus up - James, as it happened - the young werewolf had bolted upright and thrown such a punch that James had had a black eye for a week. It had been quite embarrassing to have to explain that his sleeping roommate had beaten him up, especially since they couldn't tell anyone that Remus was a werewolf, and Sirius didn't want to have to go through the same ordeal.
But it did sound really bad. Sirius struggled with himself a bit more as a particularly loud yelp came from Remus's bed. The noises sounded dog-like; often Remus made canine noises in his sleep. He had told his friends that he had a lot of dreams in which he was a wolf. Remus was embarrassed about it, but Sirius thought that it was kind of cute.
The whimpering cut off abruptly and for a second there was silence. But then the noises returned, with a slightly different tone. The whimpers were still there, but softer, and occasionally they were punctuated by a more human moan, needy, but definitely not as pain-filled.
Sirius grinned in the dark. He definitely knew that tone. There was no way he was waking up Remus now. His friend would likely get mad at him for interrupting that sort of dream.
But as it turned out, he didn't have to. A minute or so later, the sounds stopped altogether as Remus sat abruptly upright in bed. There was silence for a moment, and then a groan from Remus as he lay back down. Sirius smirked to himself, thinking that Remus must be disappointed by the sudden ceasing of a pleasant dream. He was about to call something over, when a sudden sound stopped him from saying anything.
It was muffled, very soft, but Sirius could just hear it.
Remus was crying.
Sirius felt very distressed. He definitely had no idea how to deal with a crying Remus. But he couldn't just let him sit there in his misery, could he? Not when Sirius was awake anyway. They were friends, he should help... somehow.
"Remus?" he called quietly, not wanting to wake any of the other sleeping boys.
The crying cut off abruptly, and there was a frightened silence from the other bed.
"Sirius?" came the eventual whisper.
"Are you okay?" Sirius asked. "You didn't sound too good."
"I-I'm fine," Remus assured him hurriedly. "Nothing's wrong."
'Bullshit,' thought Sirius, but he didn't say it. Instead he said, "Are you sure? That didn't sound like nothing. That sounded like you were crying."
"I..." started Remus, but he trailed off. Obviously there was no way he could continue to deny it; Sirius had heard the sound. Sirius knew that Remus would explain himself if he waited long enough, and sure enough, eventually Remus gave in.
"It was just a dream," he muttered. "It was a nice dream, and it kind of sucked to have to wake up from it."
"What was it about?" Sirius asked.
There was a pause from Remus. "You don't want to know," he said.
"How do you know that?" Sirius asked.
"Because." Remus's voice, though still soft, had become hard. "It will make you uncomfortable. We've established this already."
"Oh," said Sirius. It had been over a month since Remus had come to him, blushing, and confessed his love. It had been incredibly awkward for them for at least a week after that, and while Sirius was finally beginning to become accustomed to the fact and calm down, there were still moments when he felt really embarrassed. He knew that it was silly, that he should be okay with it. Remus was his friend, after all, and it wasn't like he was going to make any unwanted advances towards Sirius.
It had nearly broken Sirius's heart to see how relieved Remus was when Sirius had promised that Remus's affections wouldn't hurt their friendship. Sirius knew that he had been expecting rejection; God knew that as a werewolf, Remus seldom expected anything else. So he had tried, really tried, to be okay with it. But sometimes it was difficult. Because he didn't really feel the same. Sure, he had had moments of curiosity, of what it might be like to be with another guy, but he knew that it wasn't the same as what Remus felt. Remus was in love. You could see it in his eyes. And it was embarrassing.
Still, Sirius wanted to get over the embarrassment. Even if it would require a little work.
"Tell me," he said to Remus.
Remus didn't say anything at first, and Sirius could just picture the blush on his face. When he finally did speak, his voice was so soft that Sirius had to strain to hear him.
"At first it was scary, because I was in a cage, and people were yelling at me, and calling me a monster, and I knew they were going to hurt me, and I was so, so scared. And I just wanted to hide away. But then suddenly they all disappeared, and then you were there, and you opened the cage for me and led me out and then you were... you were k-kissing me, and..." Remus's voice began to get a little choked, and he hurried on. "And it felt so good, and I just wanted to stay there forever, because you were holding me, and I felt... I felt... safe."
He stopped. Maybe it was the darkness, and the fact that he didn't have to watch Remus's face while he talked, but for some reason Sirius didn't feel as embarrassed as he usually would have. There was a twinge, of course, but it was shadowed by a feeling of sympathy for the boy across the room. Remus's life really sucked. Chances were it would always suck, more or less. Because he would always be a werewolf, and unless things majorly changed, werewolves would always be outcast. Sirius often wished that there was something he could do to help his friend, which was part of the reason that it hurt that Remus was in love with him, because it was something so directly involved with him, and yet there was nothing he could really do about it. If only Remus could have chosen better.
"Remus," Sirius started. He wasn't really sure what he wanted to say, but there was a question, an idea forming in his mind. It was tentative, just an unshaped thought, but maybe if he kept in his head, let it unfold a little...
"Hm?" Remus asked.
"Do you ever..." Sirius hesitated, unsure if he wanted to hear the answer to this question, but then plowed on anyway. "Do you ever have, you know, sexual dreams about me?"
There was a gasp from Remus's bed, and then silence. It went on for so long that Sirius started to get worried. Maybe he had given the boy a heart attack or something. "Remus?" he asked.
Remus's voice was strangely choked. "I can't- can't believe you would ask me that!"
Sirius wasn't entirely sure he could believe it either, but he had asked it and he wasn't going to take it back now. "Well?"
"You really want to know?" Remus asked. Sirius thought he sounded very small.
"I asked, didn't I?"
There was another pause from Remus, shorter this time, then, "Yes. Sometimes. I mean, not... not all the time. Not like, every night or anything. But sometimes, especially when I'm feeling particularly..."
"Horny?" Sirius supplied.
He heard Remus spluttering in the dark. "Lonely," Remus finished.
Sirius thought about this. He didn't want Remus to be lonely. He wanted more than anything else to help Remus, to make him feel better, to be able to take some part of the heavy burden off his shoulders. He didn't have much to offer, but maybe, perhaps, what he could offer might be enough.
"Sometimes," he admitted to the dark, "I wonder what it might be like, you know. I mean, to try, you know, what it would be like, to be with a guy. Like that." Sirius felt awkward saying this out loud, but he wanted to be honest with Remus. He wanted to offer him something. "I mean, you probably wouldn't want to. I'd just be using you. It would be a horrible thing of me to do, but-"
Remus interrupted. "I'll take what I can get," he said quickly. "Whatever that is. I'll take it."
This time there was silence from both of them. Sirius was slightly unsure what to do. He rose slowly from his bed and stood, shifting his wait from foot to foot as though testing his balance. After a few seconds, he walked tentatively to the edge of Remus's bed. It was dark, but the tiniest hint of moonlight slipped through the window next to Remus's bed and allowed Sirius to see the vague, shadowy form of his friend. Remus was sitting up in bed, staring up at Sirius. Sirius wondered what he himself must look like, a tall dark figure at the edge of Remus's bed. He kind of thought it must be menacing. Certainly the rigidness in Remus's body showed that he was afraid.
Sirius sat on the edge of Remus's bed. Reached a hand forward until he felt Remus's neck. Leaned forward, slowly, until they were kissing, very slowly, very lightly. Sirius felt a twinge of guilt. He shouldn't be encouraging Remus like this, probably. He sort of knew that this wasn't the right answer. Remus would only be sadder later on. But for now...
It felt good. It was not what he expected, but it didn't feel entirely bad. But it wasn't like being with a girl. He'd done that before, and there was something quick and exciting about that, something that made his pulse race. This was pleasant, but it wasn't dangerous, not quite scary and important in the same way.
Outside the window, the moon broke through the clouds for a few seconds, and the light glinted off of Remus's eyes. In that flash of illumination, Sirius realized with a start that for Remus it did feel that way. Remus looked like he was drowning. His body was shaking, and his expression was lost and frightened, but so full of need that it made Sirius draw back a moment to get a better look at it. He had a sudden feeling of sadness. He shouldn't be doing this to Remus. He shouldn't. He shouldn't. But...
But Remus leaned forward and kissed him again and Sirius knew that he would. He would give Remus what he wanted, for as long as he could. Even if it hurt later, it was the now that was important. It was always the now that had been important for Sirius. So he kissed back, and held Remus down under the dull, fitful moonlight.
Some sacrifices you could make for friends.
"You were in love with him," Tonks accused.
Remus swallowed. "Tonks, it was a long time ago."
"You were!" Tonks's voice was shrill, but not exactly angry. She wasn't angry. Remus wasn't entirely sure what her emotions were at this moment, or why exactly she had brought this topic up.
"It didn't last very long. We messed around here and there for a couple months or so. It was just a phase with Sirius. He grew out of it."
"That's not what I asked, Remus," said Tonks.
Remus was beginning to feel a bit peeved. He wanted to retort that she hadn't asked anything, just thrown accusations around, but the fact of the matter was that her accusation was true. So there wasn't much he could honestly be angry about.
"Yes, Tonks," he said. "I was in love with him. But he didn't feel the same way about me. I worked very hard at getting over him. We are not doomed to love one person for our whole lives, you know."
He half expected her to be angry. Or jealous, perhaps. Even though he knew it was silly of her to be jealous of a dead person, that didn't mean that she wouldn't be.
But when he looked up at her face, he saw a different expression on her face instead: pity.
Remus felt his heart clench. He really hated being pitied. It was pity that had made Sirius come to him in the first place. Remus had known all along what he was getting with Sirius, but sometimes he wished that Sirius had been a bit stronger, or that Remus himself had. If only Sirius had not pitied him so much, it wouldn't have hurt so very badly later.
"I'm so sorry," Tonks whispered.
Remus wondered what she meant. Sorry for bringing it up? Sorry that Sirius was dead? Sorry that Remus had fallen in love?
But none of it could be helped. It was all inevitable, of course. Even Tonks bringing it up. He knew there was no way he could have kept this secret from her; it was best just to be honest, especially where former lovers were concerned. With new lovers, it was always best to be honest. This was something Remus had learned.
He sighed and held his arms open. Tonks collapsed into them and leaned against his chest. "I love you, you know," she said.
He kissed her bubblegum-pink hair. "I know that," he said. "You can't change my past, Tonks. It made me who I am."
She smiled up at him, and he thought she looked rather sad.
"I just wish it didn't have to be so painful for you," she said.
He smiled ruefully. "So do I. But sometimes, in trying to take away the pain, we only end up making things worse. You have to deal with what life gives you. You can't expect to change people; you just have to take them how they are, even when they're damaged, and love them in any way that you can."
Tonks put her head back down, snuggling into his chest once more. "You're a very wise man," she said.
Remus snorted. "You get that way with age," he said.
'And with pain,' his mind added. 'And with pain.'