Title: Adoptive Parenting For Mutants
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Victor was ready to kill, at least, more ready to kill than usual, probably. It had all been going so well, go in, kill several hundred politicians, get out. Unfortunately, they didn't account of the mutant bodyguards, one of which turned Wolverine into a toddler. Now he's stuck, with Wade as the only other adult presence, if you can really call him that.
They called Stryker, who had this helpful advice. "Come back to base, don't let anyone see you. Don't let Wilson say anything, to anyone, ever."
That sounded easy, right? How hard could it possibly be for a feral man, a feral toddler, and a murderous merc with a mouth to get out of a city infested with people who would give their limbs up to be the first to kill them, yeah? Sometimes, Victor hated his job.
You see, Jimmy was at the age were children liked to explore, and boy did it make Victor want to kill something, maybe Wade. In five minutes, Jimmy had managed to break two windows, destroy several rare antiques, scare a flock of pigeons (who went on to do the toilet in the neighbouring restaurant patron's dinner), and all round cause chaos in an incredibly short space of time.
"Why me?" Asked Victor as Wolverine chased a dog through a flower bed. "Why, why me?"
"Cheer up, furry." Wade smirked. "I have an idea."
They decided that Victor would hold his right hand, and Wade would hold Wolverine's left. Jimmy was hardly pleased. Ever seen a feral toddler throwing a tantrum? No? Good, it's never fun. "I wanna go get ice cream, I'm hungry!" He screeched, catching the attention of passers by.
"If your very good, maybe." Victor growled, desperate to get him to stop.
"But, I want ice cream, too." Wade mumbled, lip trembling. Scratch what he'd said, he was the only adult influence in this whole situation.
"Alright, if you'll both shut up, one scoop each." Victor turned towards the nearest ice cream parlour to the sounds of cheering from the two infants behind him. Someone remind him to never have kids, please.
After two second helpings each of double chocolate chip (hey, the runt was manipulative) they headed off back to their destination.
"I'm bored, tell me a story!" Jimmy yelled, tugging on Victor's jacket.
"Fine, once upon a time, there was an irritating brat called Jimmy. All day long, Jimmy would give Victor stupid demands, and drive him up the wall. So, one day, Victor threw jimmy off a cliff, and everyone lived happily ever after. Except Jimmy, who was dead." Jimmy was rather silent after that.
It was in that silence that Victor began to notice something strange. Everyone was staring at them. Had they been caught? They were whispering.
"Such a cute kid! Were do you think they went to adopt?"
"They look like an odd couple, don't they?"
Crap, no, they couldn't possibly, just, no! "That's it, I'm outa here."
"Wait, Victor, don't leave me with the kid!" Shit, Wade had noticed, too. "And to think of all the times this family stuck by you, through the prostitute addiction, when you lost your job because you flashed the boss's wife, when you-"
"You get one warning."
"Not to mention me giving up my whole career so that you could dress up as a frog and sing at children's birthday parties, and now you abandon our family?" Wade held out Jimmy, who in turn reached out for Victor and just had to go and make Victor's humiliation complete.
"Daddy!" He shouted, and again Victor thought to himself, sometimes he hated his job.