Love Is…
By Maddy
Summary: Buffy's daughter asks her what it feels like to be in love.
Rating: PG13.
Spoilers: Reference to Angel season 5, Shanshu, Buffy season 7, that's all I can think of at the moment.
Timeline: Main story starts in April 2014 and the flashbacks are set in February 2004.
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the children.
Dedication: To my dearest friend, Rebecca. Happy Birthday, sweetie!
Feedback: Do I really have to ask?
Author's Notes: Angsty and a little fluffy, there will be no more parts or a sequel. Very B/A, but a bit not at the same time if you get what I mean.
Italics mean the flashback parts.
"Mom, what does it feel like to be in love?"
I got a sudden feeling of paralysis when my nine year-old daughter asked my that awful and difficult question. I immediately wished that she asked where babies come from, again. It's not a difficult question to answer in the fact that I don't know the answer, 'cause I do – from my point of view, anyway – but I simply didn't want to answer it.
I've been in love, three times it was an illusion, but once it was the real deal. I was one of the lucky ones to have found my soulmate and I loved him – love him – with all my heart, soul, body and mind. And he loved – loves – me back the same. Though at times I think he loved me more.
But I'm not with him anymore, he's not dead and we never got married, hence never divorced. We were actually only together just over a year collectively, but I love him still. I married one of the illusion loves. He says that he loves me, but they all said that. I have three children, Angela, the nine year-old, Liam is six and Katherine is four. I love them all, unconditional love is the best kind.
"Why do you want to know? You're only nine, sweetie."
"I know, but I was at Laurie's yesterday and Mrs Laurie's Mom got angry at Laurie's dad over the phone and she yelled 'you don't love me anymore, I owe you nothing!' 'Cause they're divorced and stuff. So I already know what it's like to not be in love. I want to know what it's like to be in love. Mom, tell me."
"You know, Angel," I said, finally breaking the long silence since he had entered my apartment, "if you tell me not to do this, I won't."
"And you know that I won't do that."
"Yeah, I know. But I'll try and live your dream for me the best I can. I'm not going to promise you that I will be happy. But he loves me and I'm sick of waiting for you to be ready. I'm sick of loving you so much and not having you. It hurts too much, even after all this time."
"I got my hopes up. When you gave your cookie speech, I thought I was gonna be the guy in your future. I guess sometimes isn't something-"
"Oh, no you don't! You're the one who said that you still couldn't give me the life I deserved. I came to you after the Black Thorn thingy and you sent me away."
"I was grieving-"
"You didn't have to yell at me." I said, looking away. "Saying those things to me."
"I said I was sorry, I didn't mean anything I said."
"You meant it at the time."
We fell silent, nothing could be heard within the loft apartment I have called home for the past year. Ever since I had met Aaron.
She's a smart kid, who speaks like she's on speed-dial most of the time. Angela Elizabeth Matthews has light brown hair and my eyes. Strangely enough, they also turn green when she's happy and grey when she's not.
I don't know how to answer the question. I don't love her father the way he should be loved, I don't think I ever will. Aaron is one of the nicest men I know, he's a great father, decent and kind. The Gang love him, and I'm pretty sure my mother would have loved him too.
Aaron knows that I'm a Vampire Slayer, but it doesn't effect our loves because I haven't slain a demon in years. The kids don't know anything about my past with demons and Hellmouths, and I'm trying to keep it that way for as long as possible.
Today is Sunday and Aaron has taken the younger two to the park, Angela didn't want to go, and because we didn't force her to I now have to answer this stupid question.
"Love isn't easy to explain."
"But you love Daddy, so just tell me."
'You love Daddy.' But I don't, I've settled and after 10 years of marriage. It's expected that I love him or we should get divorced. 'Loneliness is the scariest thing in the world…'
"But what if I explain the best I can, and you don't understand?"
She scrunched up her face, pondering the question. "Well," she began, a few seconds later, her face all un-scrunched. "I won't know if I understand it or not unless you tell me."
Damn it, I'm never going to talk her out of talking about it.
"Love is…"I started saying, with much difficultly I might add. "It's a feeling that you get when you think about someone, see them, touch them. Some people say it's a scary feeling because you can feel so much for one person. You're happy, content, proud…your stomach is filled with butterflies at the thought of seeing them, and not seeing them tears at your being. You just know that you care about this person more then you thought possible." I stopped talking…my mind filled with images of him, of Angel…
The last time I saw him was the night before my wedding. I had sent him an invitation out of trying to be polite, but just as I expected, Angel turned it don. I know how he felt, I would rather gouge out my eyes and feed them to carnivorous animals then to watch Angel marry someone other then me.
"You'll always be a part of me."
It surprised me that he was being so open about his feelings, but I guess he didn't have anything to lose, I was getting married to another guy after all.
"And you'll always be a part of me too. I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For everything." I said with a sad smile. "I never wanted it to be this way. I never wanted us to hurt each other so much."
"It's better than not caring, right."
"Depends on who you ask." I said starting to cry, doing the very thing I told myself not to do when I let him into the apartment, but I knew it was going to happen anyway.
"Buffy, don't cry." Said Angel, putting his arms out for me. I took a step towards him, but Angel seemed to have changed his mind and put his arms down. "I should go."
"No." I said firmly, taking another step closer. "Don't go. not yet."
"Please, let me do this. I need to go so I can start moving on with my life."
Aaron was my fiancé, not Angel, never Angel. He never told me not to marry Aaron, he didn't watch the wedding ceremony and I never felt his presence after the day before my wedding and I've been slowly dying because of it.
I'm not the girl or woman I used to be. This Buffy has settled for the normal life with the normal family, normal everything. That's what I wanted, but now that I have it, I wish half the time that I would disappear.
"I've never felt like that."
I laughed despite my actual mood. "You're only nine, remember. You have the rest of your life to fall in love."
"How old were you when you fell in love?"
"For the first time you mean?" Only time…
Angela nodded. "Was your first time with Daddy?"
"No," I shook my head, hoping, wishing and pleading that I don't have to disclose too much. Angela is known for her big mouth, odds are she'll tell her father and then there'd be hell to pay. "I first fell in love when I was sixteen. He's a lot older than me, but a wonderful man."
"Do you know where he is?"
"Not really, we haven't seen each other in just over 10 years. He's not part of my life anymore."
He was right. We both had to move on, I already had a head-start, so I shouldn't try and prevent him from the same thing. I nodded.
"If you want."
"I do."
"So…what happens now?"
"I don't know." Said Angel. "I think I just leave."
"Again? For the last time, for another time? I don't…please help me out here. Is this where we say goodbye?"
"Maybe."
"No. I'm not saying goodbye to you, and I don't want to hear you say goodbye to me. I never want to hear that."
"Then what do I do? What do I say!" yelled Angel. "Do you have any idea what this is doing to me? I would rather die right here then live without you."
"What was his name?"
"Angel."
"That's a lot like mine."
She was right. Aaron could never know about Angel, because then he'd realise why our kids are named what they are: Angela, the female version of Angel. Liam, Angel's birth name and Katherine, Angel's sister's name.
A pretty bad move on my part, but with each children's name, Aaron would never protest my name options and by the time the actual birth came around, I think he was just agreeing because I'd gone through a painful labour.
"Yep, Angel is a very unusual name, but it suited him very well. I was going through some tough times and he helped me through it."
"Why don't you see each other anymore? Aren't you friends?"
'You'll never be friends.' Came into my head. I remember so clearly Spike telling us that. he was right, I could never be friends with Angel. That's what ultimately destroyed us, our inability to be just friends.
"We are friends, but we just don't…we have different lives now. we do different things, I got married to your father and then had you, my priorities changed and we stopped talking to each other."
"Okay, thanks, Mom."
"Wait, that's it? No more questions?"
"Nah, I'm good. But…is love different for everyone?"
"What do you mean?"
"Does love feel different with other people?"
"I don't know. I've never been another person. People love for different reasons. Some people will never fall in love, but there are people who'll find the person they want to spend the rest of their lives with. They're lucky."
"Then tell me not to do this." I pleaded, wanting him to finally say 'yes' to us being together.
But he shook his head. "I'm still a vampire, cursed with a soul. I can't give you the normal life you deserve, the one you still want."
"Damn you for being noble. I hate you for that." I started crying as my heart broke…again.
"I'm sorry, for everything. Buffy, I'm so sorry." Angel turned away and walked towards the door.
"Wait!" I yelled, running at him. I grabbed his arm and forced him to turn around. "Kiss me one last time.
"So, you're one of the lucky people?"
"Yeah, I found the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with." It just isn't the person she's thinking of. Some days I would go through them and not think about Angel, other days, just some thoughts. But then there were days like today, days that made me wonder why I was ever with Aaron.
"We're back!" yelled Aaron as he opened the front door. Angela went running to the entrance foyer, I slowly followed.
"What happened?" I asked. "I thought you'd be gone for hours."
"That was until Liam decided to get into a fight with 2 boys."
"What?"
"It was nothing!" yelled Liam, running past me.
"Oh no, you don't." I grabbed the six year-old and pulled him in front of me. "Liam, why did you get into a fight?"
Liam didn't answer, just continued to look as though someone had force-fed him a lemon. He has dark hair and dark eyes. The similarities with Angel ended there, thank God, I wouldn't be able to handle it if he looked more like Angel. Liam was the spitting image of his father, but he got the dark eyes from Aaron's father's side and the dark hair from me.
"Liam got in a fight!" cried Kat in glee. "Fight! Fight, fight, fight!"
"Shut up!" snapped Angela.
"Ang, don't yell at your sister." Scolded Aaron.
I redirected my attention back to Liam, he had the same expression on his face. "Liam, honey, what happened?"
Without a moments hesitation, Angel grabbed me and kissed me harshly on the lips. I had missed the intense passion that could only come from Angel kissing me. My hands were around his neck, my fingers threading through his hair.
Angel held me close and I relished in the feeling of his body so close to mine. In that moment I didn't feel alone, I wasn't getting married to another man I was just a girl getting kissed by a boy. Just as quickly as Angel had pulled me towards him, he pushed me away.
I let out a cry of sorrow and pain. He reached out for me, but I take a step back. "We're not doing this again, Angel. If this is the last time that I see you, I don't want to fight, I don't want to say goodbye. I don't want to mourn you for the rest of my life…I just want to tell you that I love you, always have. And I won't stop, just because I'm meant to…I won't stop. Saying goodbye to you would be the hardest thing to do, but-"
"No." he said, "I'm not saying goodbye, 'cause it'll never be goodbye. We're soulmates, in this life, past and future, we'll be together at some point. Forever, Buffy, that's the whole point."
Half an hour later, Aaron and I were in the kitchen. Liam, Angela and Kat are in their rooms while Mommy and Daddy 'talked,' by talking I do mean arguing as quietly as possible.
"He got into a fist fight because a kid walked over his sand castle! What makes it worse is that another kid joined in! how could you let this happen?" I suck at arguing quietly.
"This is not my fault, so don't try and pin it on me!"
"I never said that! But you were there, I wasn't, so it obviously isn't my fault."
"So, it's mine?"
"I already said I didn't say that. You should have handled it better!"
"Would you stop attacking me! Our son got in a fight, what's the big deal?"
"Because I want him to grow up and be a good person."
"One fight in his life isn't going to make him a bad person. He doesn't have a taste for blood, he's not going to attack people at random. Just calm down a get over it!"
5 months later…
I knocked nervously on the front door. I was using all my will power to not throw up. at the sound of footsteps from inside I felt a new wave of ickiness. It took some strength to stay standing on the from steps of the old house. It was surprising that I tracked him here, a huge mansion from colonial times, why he was living here I couldn't think of any reasons, his nearest neighbour was 20 minutes away.
The footsteps came to a stop on the other side of the door. "Who is it?" a familiar voice asked, a familiar voice, but one I haven't heard in 10 and a half years.
"It's Buffy." I answered.
Silence, then the door opened. He stood with a look of bewilderment. He looked as handsome as ever. I smiled awkwardly, trying to figure out if he was happy to see me or not.
"Buffy…?"
"Hi, Angel."
I gasp, what does that mean? My dream coming true what does it mean? I do nothing, but nod and say: "okay."
Angel reaches out for me again, this time I let him pull me into his arms. We stand there for a few minutes, before letting go.
"I love you, Buffy. Remember that, even if you forget everything else." Angel half-smiled, put is hand against me cheek and kissed me briefly on the lips before stepping back and taking his hand from my face.
I fell back into the armchair, for I knew what was happening, he was leaving and I wasn't going to see him for a very long time, if ever. The tears fell from my eyes and soon I taste the saltiness at the corners of my mouth. I close my eyes and push back any unfallen tears.
The door to the loft apartment slammed shut. I opened my eyes, but he had gone. Angel's gone…I sat there for a while, trying to decide if I should go after him or not. But I was getting married the next day, to a wonderful man and even though I didn't love Aaron with the same kind of passion that I loved Angel with, he loved me. So with one last look at the door, I whispered my farewell to my angel.
"Goodbye."
"Bet you never thought you'd see me again, huh?" I joked rather badly. His bewilderment changed to confusion. "You want to know what I'm doing here, right. It's a good question. And if I spoke long enough, maybe you could get an answer out of the babble." I smile, but didn't get one in return, he still looked very confused.
"I wanted to see you," I confessed. "Things have happened in my life that's changed everything. I'm not talking about being the Slayer or moving to Sunnydale, or even about making a whole bunch of Slayer with not of that 'one in every generation' crap. When I fell in love with you, it changed the world, and it also ensured that my marriage would fail. I filed for divorce four months ago, the paper are yet to be finalised, but I wanted to see you again."
"Buffy…"
"No, let me finish. I have this long speech in my head and I need to say it." I paused for a moment, took a breath, put a strand of light brown hair behind my ear and caught Angel smiling just a bit. "I'm not going to lie and pretend that I didn't come here to ask you if you'd consider giving us another go. I know that you've been human for seven years – and believe me, we are going to have a serious talk about you not telling me – and I know that you've been married and divorced, I know about Connor and how you lost everyone. You haven't lost me, Angel, give us another chance.
"I don't mean to go all anti-Love Story on you, but I do want to say sorry, but no matter how many times I say it, you'll never know just how sorry I am, Angel-"
"Buffy, be quiet." He said, I was a bit taken aback until his smiled widened. I let out a small sigh of relief. "Do you want to come inside?"
The End.
Tell me what you think, Maddy.
NOTE: I will be taking a break starting from tomorrow, 'cause I have half-yearly exams in a few weeks and I'm in my last year of high school, so it's very important and I have to study like crazy. So, nothing will be happening fanfic wise for at least 4 weeks - yeah, 4 WEEKS - sorry, but school must and unfortunately come first. Maddy.