Title: Probabilty of pissing off Germany, not yet 1.
Rating: PG-13 (for Prussia's dirty mouth, and sappy Germany)
Characters: Germany, Italy, Prussia, Austria and Hungary
Pairing: Germany/Italy
Summary: As a stupid discussion between Prussia and Austria grows longer, the probability of them pissing off Germany approaches 1. Thank goodness for the little, happy things in life.
Author's Notes: The prompt for this piece was Godwin's Law. I never had to do so much research to figure out what this "law" was. Also, probably really out-of-character. Alas. This is why I stick to historical fic. :/ Please let me know how I can improve! I like to make my readers happy. :)
"Prussia, you know you're doing this wrong. Please step away and let me do it instead."
Austria's voice, growing ever more impatient, was sharp and clear through the walls. Tucked safely under his covers, Italy buried deeper into the warmth of his bed, memories of an Angry Austria surfacing as he listened to the never ending argument between the two men.
It had all started in the early morning, and, as Italy glanced at the clock on the wall, it was now almost lunch time. Prussia had apparently, or so from what Italy gathered, after being rudely woken up by an almost, just almost, screaming Austria, made an unwelcome appearance, and started trying to be helpful. Their arguments, had just got longer, more heated, and in all honesty, Italy did not know whether Prussia was doing it on purpose just to grind Austria, or the two of them were seriously at each other's throats.
Over the course of the last few hours, there had been interjections by various visitors; Germany had intervened to borrow something, Hungary had appeared at a few stages to offer helpful information, Japan himself had dropped by and had inadvertently been pulled into the discussion, before he finally managed to excuse himself. Italy had seen him hurrying past the bedroom, shaking his head, and muttering under his breath.
"Those two, why can't they just stop arguing!"
Italy wondered if it had been his bad luck to pick this morning to sleep in, he hadn't been able to sleep a single second ever since Prussia had appeared at the door.
He was actually quite annoyed.
…
"Ita-chan," Hungary's face appeared in the crack between the door frame and the door, and Italy sat up, rubbing his eyes sleepily. "Austria-san is asking for you."
"Eeeeeh? Hungary-san, I don't want to get caught in their crossfire!" Italy wailed, clutching his blankets to his chest. "I don't even know what they've been arguing about the whole morning!
Isn't it ever going to end?"
"Everything, and anything. From what time they wake up, to what time they should be sleeping," Hungary sighed. "I don't think they're going to mistreat you or anything, it's possibly about food, considering that Prussia, that idiot, just burnt our lunch. That's what set Austria-san off again on him. When I left the room, they were arguing about who's a better cook." Hungary rolled her eyes. "Obviously you would be able to put them in their place, Ita-chan."
"But, but, but," Italy flailed slightly under the covers. "Do I really have to?" he pouted slightly.
"Come on, Italy, let's get this over with and I'll make you some pasta."
"Pasta~" Italy said dreamily, crawling haphazardly out of bed. "Ve ve, you're too nice, Hungary-san."
"I just wish the two of them would shut up, though," Hungary grumbled, eyes narrowed. "It's about time that conversation between them both ended. I'm surprised Germany hasn't put his foot down yet."
…
"Germany! Good morning!" Italy chirped happily at the taller man.
"Good afternoon, you mean," Germany grunted, rubbing his temple. "I have a headache, you probably want to stay away if you don't want me to suddenly snap at you... Italy."
"Eh?"
"Shoo now," Germany groaned, picking up his cup of coffee, and turning away from Italy. "God, I don't even like coffee. Why am I drinking coffee?"
Italy pouted sadly, as he shuffled out of the kitchen. He didn't even get a 'Good morning' from Germany. Maybe he could pretend Germany's correction was his greeting, but It. Just. Wasn't. The. Same! It was all Prussia's and Austria's fault, whatever in the world possessed them to start this stupid discussion so early in the morning? Now he didn't even get a proper greeting from Germany. Oh, and thinking about it, it seemed that Germany added his name into that sentence as an afterthought.
Stupid Prussia.
Stupid Austria.
...Stupid Germany.
Italy sulked all the way into the living room.
…
"I'm telling you, you do not add white wine into the sauce. Why do you have to put expensive white wine into perfectly good tomato based sauce? Are you insane? The taste will be horrifying." Surprisingly, Austria still looked as cool as ever. The only signs that he was annoyed, or very annoyed, was this slight twitch of his eyebrows, in an otherwise perfect looking face.
"Hello~? Anybody home?" Prussia knocked against Austria's forehead, only for Austria to grab his hand angrily. "Look, you stupid aristocrat, I don't know where in the world your sense of taste has gone to, but anybody can tell you that adding white wine into a tomato based sauce will bring out the flavor! ... Ah!"
It seemed that the two men had finally noticed Italy in the room. Italy was angry, and getting more annoyed by the second. He was already sad that Germany was all aloof because of these two, now that he had the cause of Germany's annoyance in front of his face, he was definitely, definitely more irritated. Prussia bounded towards him, grabbing him firmly by the shoulders.
"Ita-chan, you're just in time! Now, tell this 'holier-than-thou' person here that adding white wine is a good idea!"
"Italy," Austria said quietly. "You may ignore this idiot."
"What? You bastard, calling someone an idiot when you're obviously the one in the wrong-!" Prussia grabbed a hold of Austria's collar. "You're asking for a beating, aren't you?"
Italy backed away, terrified that things might become violent between the two of them. For an argument to have lasted this long without anyone snapping was already a miracle; sometimes he would hear Hungary throwing Prussia out of the house. He bumped against a large figure, and felt a hand on his shoulder. Germany had appeared behind him, watching the scene warily, maybe even looking a little bit tired.
"... It's not white wine," Italy said sadly, in a quiet voice. He glanced up at Germany. "You know it's red wine*, right? Even if I told them, it wouldn't matter, right?"
"Italy..."
"... Fucking idiot! You're as stubborn as a Nazi!" Prussia's roar of anger suddenly interrupted the two of them. Italy turned back to the commotion, but he could feel Germany's hand suddenly stiffen on his shoulder.
Austria looked up from his seat, an apologetic look on his face. He knew they had gone one step too far. Prussia, however, had yet to grasp the fact that his brother was watching him, but he was suddenly silenced when Austria placed a hand firmly across his open mouth. "Conversation's over, Prussia. Get out, now."
"Mmmmhphf!" Prussia was still protesting, but his eyes suddenly caught sight of the figure in the adjoining door. "..."
"Hungary," Austria called. "See him out, please."
Italy swallowed nervously as Austria approached him and Germany. "A... Austria-san?" he asked, biting his lip. "Is, is everything okay?"
"Don't worry, Italy, it has nothing to do with you," Austria said softly, patting Italy's hair. He walked up to Germany, placing a hand on his shoulder. "... I'm sorry."
Germany nodded curtly, before turning abruptly out of the room.
…
"Heh? Godwin's Law? What is that?" Italy looked up at Hungary, confused.
"Usually most people would be disgusted enough to walk away from the conversation before it's invoked in real life, mostly happens online, actually. But since this is Austria-san and that idiot we're talking about... Anything can happen. Of course, Prussia is a huge idiot..." But Hungary wasn't answering his question. "You know, Italy, maybe you should ask Germany instead."
"What? Wait a minute, Germany is angry!"
"He's not angry." Hungary smiled at Italy, pushing the hot plate in front of the young man. "Here."
"Did you see his face? It was so scary," Italy wibbled in his seat. "I didn't know whether he might have killed Prussia on the spot, if Austria-san didn't intervene!" He glanced back down at the plate of pasta Hungary had placed in front of him, and poked the noodles gingerly with his fork. "... I'm not hungry."
"Ita-chan, you still have to eat, you missed breakfast today. Are you going to miss lunch too? Besides, you made the sauce."
"... Germany didn't eat lunch either," Italy said, his face glum.
Hungary sighed. Maybe she should have thrown Prussia out before things got out of hand. But Austria too, sometimes she wasn't sure if he enjoyed these useless discussions with Prussia, but why he could never just back off when Prussia starts she would never understand. "Here, bring him a plate."
"... He said to stay away from him..." Italy said meekly. "I don't want him to scold me..."
"He's not going to scold you," Hungary nudged Italy out of his chair. "Go on, go find Germany. He'll probably be happy to see you, even if he doesn't show it."
Italy looked sadly at the plate of pasta in his hands, and then back up at the retreating back of Hungary. "But..." He didn't want to irritate Germany anymore, wouldn't it be better if he just stayed out of the way today? "Ve, ve."
I don't want Germany to scold me.
…
Italy stopped uncertainly outside Germany's room. He glanced down at the plate in his hands, it was shaking, or more like, his hands were shaking. Why were they shaking? It was just Germany, Germany has always been very nice towards him...
But Germany's angry today.
Italy took a step back in shock, almost dropping the plate of pasta, when the door suddenly opened in his face. Yelping, he stumbled, only for Germany to grab him firmly.
"Italy?" Germany's eyes moved from Italy to the pasta. "What are you doing?"
"Eh! I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to disturb you!" Italy said quickly, his voice going up a few semitones, as he half juggled the plate of food back into balance. "Here!" He thrust the plate in front of Germany, before trying to wriggle out of Germany's grasp. All Italy wanted to do was to run away and hide under his covers, he didn't want to be around Germany...
"Come in," Germany's voice interrupted his flustered thoughts, before Italy found himself steered into the room.
"Why so quiet?" Germany asked, as he tucked into the plate of pasta. "What's bothering you?" Germany could taste just the slight sourness of the red wine in the sauce. Just like Italy to make sure there was some, even after the huge commotion this morning. He smiled to himself.
"...Um..." Italy stuttered, playing with his hands. "Um, Germany, are you still angry?"
Germany cleaned up the last strand of pasta on the plate. "I'm not angry." He pushed the plate aside, staring at Italy.
"Not angry?"
"Not at you, definitely not. But why should I be? Between Brother and Austria, they don't know how to walk away from an argument. I knew that stupid law was going to be invoked sooner or later, I was just... Just hoping that for once one of them would have the common sense to back off first," Germany muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. "They need to realize that I don't really give a rat's ass about them referring to Nazis, or, y'know... It was so long ago..." Germany glanced swiftly away from Italy. "I apologize."
He must have had a confused look on his face, because suddenly, he felt a large hand on top of his head. "What's wrong?" Germany asked kindly. "What is it?"
Italy had stared in shock at Germany, who was now looking, were his eyes deceiving him?, rather flustered? But in all honesty, it was rare for Germany to show this side of himself. In fact, Italy couldn't remember the last time Germany wasn't yelling at him to stop daydreaming, or even to stop thinking of food, and actually treated him as someone Germany might just care, albeit slightly, about.
"... Germany?" Italy said carefully.
"Is something wrong?" Germany asked in return. "I'm terribly sorry for all the racket in the morning, and for you suddenly being dragged into a situation you weren't involved in at all. It's Austria's and Brother's fault. I'm terribly sorry."
And now, Italy was truly taken aback. It was strange, suddenly being faced with this Germany in front of him. He really wanted to ask "Why are you treating me like this today?", but he didn't dare to.
"What is it?"
"...That law... Godwin's Law...?" Italy asked hesitantly, trying to remember what Hungary had referred to it as.
"Have you heard of it before?" Germany asked, slightly shocked. He definitely did not expect Italy to have even heard of it, it was something more stupid, than logical, actually. Very much like all those weird expressions he had seen on the internet, especially those strange acronyms. LOL? BRB? Prussia had laughed Italy out of the room when he had asked, but in the end, Austria had kindly directed him to an online dictionary* that even provided the definitions to Even Stranger Terms.
"Hungary-san said something... She didn't tell me anything more than the name," Italy looked up quickly. "Ve, ve, Germany, is it really a law? Did some government really pass it?"
"Heeh?" Germany looked at Italy, a strange expression on his face, but then he smiled lightly. "It's a stupid hypothesis," he paused uncertainly. "Actually, I don't know if you can consider it a hypothesis, or maybe you can really consider it as a scientific Law, but I personally find it ridiculous."
"Does it really have something to do with Germany's past?"
Germany laughed, really really hard, as Italy looked at him, confused. Germany was so very strange today, he was sure, did Prussia and Austria's bickering finally pushed him over the edge? Italy was really confused, and it showed clearly on his face.
"Godwin's Law is something that started on the Usenet*-based forums. Well, it started on the internet, as do a lot of things," Germany made a face, but it only lasted a second, before that stern face was quickly replaced. "Godwin's Law states that as a (Usenet) discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1."
"O-Oh." Italy tried to look intelligent, as though he understood, but apparently, Germany was having none of it.
"It usually doesn't occur in real life, you know? Because usually converstaions gets so retarded most people walk away before anything is even invoked," he patted Italy fondly on the head. "If we get into an argument about pasta, I'll probably just end up walking away from you. I certainly have no intention of getting into a meaningless fight over something that will hurt you." Germany absent-mindedly let his hand rest there for a while, before quickly retracting it.
"It ends when any reference to Hitler, or the Nazi's are made, like perhaps calling the other a Nazi, as Brother did towards Austria. I don't know if it would have escalated further if I hadn't been there, so thank goodness for little concidences. You could say that the person who mentions the term first loses. But it really doesn't mean that. I'm sorry if it's confusing, it's just something retarded."
"Isn't there any better way to end a conversation?" Italy asked meekly. "Couldn't people just say, okay, you win?"
"Of course they could..." Germany sighed, before crossing his arms. "Do you think anything goes through those thick skulls of that two idiots? Maybe I should get Hungary to bar Prussia from entering my house, especially when Austria's around. The way those two just fire off at each other, it's incredible!"
"They do seem like a married couple, don't they?" Italy said, smiling sweetly up at Germany. "Ve, ve."
Germany blinked, speechless, at Italy's statement. But somehow, he really doubted that Italy understood exactly what he just said. Instead, he stood up, noticing that Italy hurriedly followed his actions. "Is there anything else, Italy?"
"Eeeh? No, there isn't!" Italy flailed slightly, waving his arms about. "... Eh, I hope Germany's not mad..."
Germany picked up the empty plate of pasta, smiling lightly at Italy. "Of course I'm not."
"...A-ah," Italy smiled back. Thank goodness Germany wasn't angry, and that he now seemed to be in a much better mood. Italy never enjoyed seeing Germany angry at anyone, but now that everything seemed to have settled down, life really was peaceful, save for the occasional quarrels that always seemed to crop up now and then. His whole body stiffened as he felt Germany's had under his chin, lifting his face up. Bright blue eyes glanced gently down at him.
Germany sighed inwardly, before smiling at Italy. Italy really was such a precious person, and even though he never said it, an absolute delight to be around. Germany wouldn't have known what to do without him, but Italy was just always there, and that was more than he could ask for. He placed his lips gently on Italy's forehead. "Thank you, Italy."
Italy smiled, albeit confused.
But at least Germany's not angry anymore!
Notes:
* Red wine in a tomato based sauce = absolutely delicious! White wine, is absolutely disgusting unless you're doing a lighter sauce, but I've personally never used it. :)
* I was referring to , hah.
* Most of the time, I tend to refer to them as forums, because it's not necessary for Godwin's Law to just be invoked on Usenet. I've seen it happen on local XMB forums.