Title: Must Like Dogs
Rating: G, with bad innuendos and scheming ninken and absolutely no smut at all! *sadface*

*

The ninken were worried.

Ever since that night Master went home with the chuunin, he had been regularly spacing out or grinning stupidly to himself. If he were a dog he'd be wriggling in delight, his tongue dragging out the side of his mouth.

It just wasn't right. They much preferred the Kakashi who went without bathing for days at a time and gave commands in terse grunts. This Kakashi—who smelled alternately of soap and hormones—turned the world on its head.

In light of these disturbing developments, they decided to meet and find a way to fix the problem, fast. They gathered in the alley behind the chuunin's house, huddled conspiratorially in the shadow of the bin.

Uhei the hound scratched at his bandages. "Maybe the chuunin drugged him?"

"He does seem unusually happy," the mongrel Shiba agreed.

"All right, Bull, you sit on him and Bisuke will check his pupils."

The tiny terrier's ears flattened against his head. "What? Why me?"

"You're the cutest, Bisuke. You always get away with shit."

"Do not! Pakkun should do it, he's the boss's favourite."

Pakkun rolled his eyes. "Don't drag me into your stupid plan."

"He's right, it is a stupid plan." The familiar voice made their heads swing around. Their Master was standing behind them, blocking the mouth of the alley. The ninken whimpered and tried without success to hide behind each other. "And why are my faithful companions contemplating an uprising?"

Urushi hung his shaggy head. "We're not uprising, boss. We're worried."

"Oh?" Kakashi scratched thoughtfully at his chin. All eight doggy noses twitched. It was soap day today. Eight ninken pictured a cold sudsy bath and gave a collective doggy shudder. "And why would you be worried?"

"Well—" Uhei started. "It's just that, ah—"

"You've been a bit off lately, boss," Pakkun finished bluntly.

"Gee, thanks guys. Remind me to cancel that order of cat-flavoured chews."

"We're just worried that the chuunin might have done something to you."

"Iruka-sensei? Actually, now that you've mentioned him, there is something I'd like to tell you." Kakashi's eye lit up with a depth of feeling usually reserved for the latest Icha Icha release. "I think I'm in love."

The ninken gave him eight blank looks. Bull cleared his throat. "Do you mean like when you've found a really nice bone?"

"Hmm, funny you should say that."

"I think he means that he's in heat," Bisuke mumbled out the side of his snout.

"I heard that. Look guys, I don't think this is a good time for me to introduce you to Iruka just yet. Some people might not like having a pack of dogs hanging around twenty-four seven."

"They don't?" Bisuke tilted his head. "How odd."

"Come on guys, I have a good feeling about this one."

"That's what you said about the last one," Pakkun sniffed. "She turned out to be a cat person."

"Well, nobody's perfect."

The ninken exchanged meaningful looks. They knew there was no talking Kakashi out of something he had set his mind to. They would just have to stick this one out.

"He does smell nice," Bull conceded.

Kakashi gave another one of his disturbingly happy smiles. "Just keep a low profile for the next few weeks, guys. I'll introduce you when the time is right."

Pakkun shrugged. "You're the boss, boss."

"Good."

As Kakashi turned and left, the ninken hunkered down and really started planning. They had their own ways of dealing with Master's infatuations. The chuunin didn't stand a chance.

*

For Kakashi, initial encounters of the canine kind did not go over well. He was enjoying a leisurely re-read of Icha Icha Persuasion one afternoon when a yell rang out from the bedroom.

"Kakashi!" Iruka stormed into the room, clutching a shirt that was once black and not furry. "Why are all my clean clothes covered in dog hair?"

Damn. Kakashi made a mental note to have a word with the guys to lay off the laundry. "It's bear fur. A bear got in through the window and I caught it going through the closet. You must have left some dango in your pockets. That stuff is like crack for bears. I managed to chase it away but it nearly took my face off. Wanna kiss it better?"

Iruka stared. "I can't believe you just said that with a straight face."

"Oh look, you've got some fur on your pants too." Kakashi put on his best come-hither expression. "You should take them off so we can have sex."

All that got him was a furry shirt flung in his face. It took Kakashi an entire afternoon of creative distractions plus dinner out (which he paid for) to convince Iruka that there were more important things in life than unexplained bears.

But things only went down hill from there:

"Kakashi!"

Damn. "Yes, o blossom of my loins."

"The garden! It's—what did you call me?"

"It's a term of endearment. You're supposed to feel special."

"Please don't call me your crotch flower. Just Iruka is fine."

"Oh. Okay. What about the garden, o sleek dolphin of my—" He caught the look on Iruka's face "—uh, Iruka?"

"There are holes in my lawn," Iruka said in a dangerous voice. "Many, many holes. You wouldn't know anything about that, would you?"

Think, Kakashi, think. "Ah, yes, it was mission imperative. I had to dispose of a body. There were many pieces. I thought burying it seemed like the best idea."

Iruka crossed his arms. "Okay. Where is it?"

"Where's what?"

"The body. Or the pieces. There's nothing in those holes, though I did find a bone that looked like it was pulled out of the garbage several days ago."

"I changed my mind and dumped it down an old well instead."

Iruka shook his head. "I don't know why I keep putting up with this."

"It's because of my sexual prowess. And my tight buttocks."

Iruka narrowed his eyes. "You will make those holes disappear. When next I look out the window I want to see an undisturbed vista of lush grass. Understood?"

Kakashi swallowed. "Yes, sensei."

"Good." Those dark eyes lingered slowly over his body, and suddenly Kakashi found himself swallowing for entirely different reasons. "Now how are you going to make it up to me?"

"Wanna watch me play with my bone?"

"Kakashi, what did I say about pet names?"

"They are bad and deeply unsexy."

"Yes, now add strange euphemisms to that list."

"Yes, sensei."

*

A month later, and the ninken met again behind Iruka's dumpster. None of the usual tactics had worked, and they were quickly running out of ideas.

"I can't believe the vomit in the shoes trick didn't work!" Akino's glasses fogged up with astonishment.

Guruko shuddered. "The chuunin made Master clean it out, and Master whistled as he did it. Whistled!" The other ninken nodded nervously. The chuunin's powers were strong indeed.

Pakkun sighed. "There's nothing for it. We're gonna have to use it."

The other ninken paused in awe. Bisuke's ears drooped. "You don't mean—"

"Yes," Pakkun said firmly. "It's time to employ the final tactic."

The ninken hung their heads. Bull wiped a fat tear from his eye. "I will miss Mister Squeaky."

"So will us all," Pakkun said solemnly. "But his sacrifice will not be in vain."

They observed a glum moment of silence, and then parted ways.

*

With both their busy schedules it was difficult to find time to waste in bed. However, Kakashi was not a man to be put off by the impossible. It had taken a lot of patience and a little blackmailing of the academy principal to allow his hardest working teacher some time off, but finally Kakashi had his lover right where he wanted: in bed, naked, and looking at him like Kakashi was chocolate sauce on ice-cream.

That was, until:

"Ow. Hey, wait." Iruka looked uncomfortable. He shifted gingerly.

Something squeaked.

Kakashi froze as Iruka reached beneath him and fished out a rubber ball. "That's, aha, I thought we could bring some toys into…the…bedroom."

Iruka looked at him. "Chew toys."

"Uhh…woof?"

"There are teeth marks in these."

Cold sweat sprung up on Kakashi's neck under that deadly stare. "I was getting into character?"

Iruka shook his head. "That's it." He shoved Kakashi off and swung his legs over the side, bending to pull on his pants.

Kakashi was torn between ogling and panicking. "Where are you going?"

"I've had enough of your crazy," Iruka said in a level voice. "I'm going to go home, jerk off, and find a normal person to have a normal conversation with."

"Wait! Baby—I mean, Iruka, please!" He narrowly dodged a squeaky ball pegged at high speed and tried to put himself between Iruka and the door. "I'm not sure how to tell you this, but…I have dogs. Several dogs. Okay, eight dogs. But they're not pets! They are my ninken and they are really, really cute. Please don't kick me out."

When the world didn't explode in furious teacherly cursing, Kakashi braved a glance upward. Iruka was not, as he had expected, fuming. Instead he just gave Kakashi the look he reserved for especially dense people.

Kakashi's heart sank. "How did you figure it out?"

"Oh, I don't know, since you were being so subtle. Maybe because it was only one of two possible explanations, and I really didn't want to believe that I was sleeping with a lawn-wrecking, toy chewing, bear man?"

"Ah."

"So. Summon them."

Kakashi paused, surprised. "You want to see them?"

Iruka used his extra patient voice. "If I have to live with the physical trail of destruction, I would at least like to meet them."

Reluctantly, Kakashi obliged. When the smoke cleared all eight ninken were huddled at Kakashi's feet—a difficult feat, considering Bull's bulk. Tails between their legs, they were the perfect picture of misery.

Iruka crossed his arms, unmoved. "So you're the ones digging up my lawn?"

"Yes," the ninken chorused.

"And you're the ones shedding all over my clean clothes."

"Yes," the miserable choir replied.

"And you're the ones climbing into my bed leaving half-chewed toys for me to lie on."

Eight ninken whimpered, and Kakashi winced.

Iruka sighed. "If you're going to be guests in my house, I expect some basic manners."

Nine pairs of ears perked up. Hope bubbled up inside Kakashi. "You…don't mind them?"

"I'm not much of a dog person—"

"I knew it," Pakkun muttered.

"—but I'm willing to learn. Just like how I learned to like you, despite many compelling reasons not to." Iruka gave him a small smile, and the effect on Kakashi was instantaneous. He rushed Iruka and caught him up in a hug. Iruka struggled, laughing, and allowed himself to be kissed. "But! There are going to be some house rules."

The ninken and their master snapped to attention.

"Firstly, there will be absolutely no climbing on the bed. Sheets are for people."

"Yes, sensei," all eight ninken and one jounin chorused.

"Secondly, there will be no more lies. As…creative as they were, I prefer plain honesty."

"Yes, sensei."

"Also, there will be no dogs allowed in the room during, ahem, adult activities."

"What's that mean?" Bisuke asked Pakkun, sotto voce.

"No peeking when they're fighting it out for top dog."

"Oh, cool."

Iruka cleared his throat, colour rising in his cheeks. "That's all I can think of at the moment. Anyone who breaks a house rule will be sleeping in the laundry. That," he pointed to Kakashi, "goes double for you."

"Yes, sensei." Kakashi tried for an expression of serious attention, but his mouth kept twitching into a grin.

Iruka heaved a sigh. "I don't know why I'm agreeing to this."

"It's because of my bedroom skills," Kakashi pointed out. "And those adorable puppy faces."

On cue the ninken dropped to their bellies and gave Iruka eight soppy, wide-eyed pleading looks. Iruka, always a sucker for trouble, gave in. "Fine. But everyone better be on their best behaviour." He reached out and gave Pakkun a scratch behind the ear. The small pug let out a whimper of pure ecstasy and envy rippled through the other ninken.

Iruka took his time with each dog until he had eight heads propped in his lap, drooling gently onto his pants.

The ninken let out a collective sigh of contentment. They totally got it now. This was the reason behind all of their master's odd behaviour, this chuunin with his nice smells and excellent scratching hands, and everything was just fine.

Now if only Master would ease off on the soap thing...