(Authors Note: This is another song based one. The song is called I'm Alive from the musical Next to Normal. This one I did a little differently. I have read a few song based fan fiction. Most, but not all, have the song lyrics then a description of how the character connects to them. My personal favorite is Music of the Soul by oreny19. I decided to take a new approach to music in this piece; the lyrics are Merlin's dialogue. But I digress, here it is. I do not own anything please enjoy and review.)
I'm Alive
Morgana was having nightmares. But they weren't normal even for her. Her spy within Camelot had told her that Merlin had left Camelot in the dead of night near a month ago. He hadn't been seen or heard from since, save one small piece of news.
His mother, Hunith, had arrived in the court last week in tears with a letter clutched in her grip. Though her spy had not been able to get the letter itself it had apparently been a message from Merlin, saying goodbye to her.
Ever since she had learned this she had tossed and turned in the night. Dreaming not of the future, but of the past, of what used to be. She asked her spy if there had been any news of him. She had felt elated at first that Arthur had given up the search.
But then when she was alone she felt something rise to the surface. She thought it was triumph, but no, it wasn't that. It was grief.
She pushed it away but a voice in the back of her head continued to nag at her. It was her voice from before Merlin had poisoned her. She sounded scared.
'If Arthur's given up then Merlin must be…' She screamed aloud in frustration.
"I do not care! I hope he's gone! One less thorn in my side!"
'But you don't mean that. You know you care. You always have.' Her own voice tormented her with truths she would not admit.
So a week went by and she tried to forget him but he haunted her dreams. Flashes of him on a sinking ship or in a burning building had her waking in a cold sweat. Soon thoughts of these visions invaded her waking mind as well. She began to avoid sleep. She knew she had not had enough when she saw him, standing in her hut as if it were completely normal.
'Hello Morgana.' She tried to ignore him.
"Go away. You're dead. You're not really here. You're just my imagination." She whispered, scared of the images her mind was creating for her.
'I am what you want me to be, and I'm your worst fear. You'll find it in me. Come closer, come closer.' The phantom whispered stepping toward her arms slightly open as if in welcome.
"No. You're just something my memory created." The phantom smiled Merlin's charming roughish smile, eyes glinting with hidden knowledge.
'I am more than memory, I am what might be. I am mystery." He stepped closer to her still smiling.
'You know me. So show me.' His hand brushed some of her lank hair off her face and she jumped back, surprised and more than a little scared.
'When I appear it's not so clear if I'm a simple spirit or I'm flesh and blood.'
"You're dead!" She shrieked it.
'But I'm alive, I'm alive. I am so alive. And I feed on the fear that's behind your eyes.' His smile turned almost predatory. But his eyes were venerable as he whispered.
'And I need you to need me, it's no surprise, I'm alive.' Morgana closed her eyes as Merlin leaned in. Nothing happened. When nothing continued to happen she opened her eyes. He was sitting on one of the chairs around her table, on the other side of the room. He was starring at the objects that had appeared in his hands. In his left he held a small bottle, in his right an all too familiar water skin.
'I am flame and I am fire.' His hands were shaking.
'I am destruction, decay, and desire. I'll hurt you.' He dropped the bottle, which vanished as it hit the floor. He took the water skin in both hands and drank deeply. Instinctively she leapt forward to stop him, knowing that that was the water skin he had poisoned. The poison he had betrayed her with.
'I'll heal you.' He whispered, seeming to choke on the air in the room much like he had when he had drunk poison to save Arthur.
"No! Don't you die!" She snarled it at him. He looked up at her confusion and pain mixing in his eyes.
'I'm your wish, your dream come true.' He was right. Ever since that day when she had awoken in her sister's castle and heard of what he had done to her she had wished for his death. For it to come at her hands. She wanted this. Yet as he brushed a tear off her cheek she began to wonder. Her unasked 'why' was answered.
'And I am your darkest nightmare too.' He was right. She had dreamed of killing him, but seeing him die, watching it, was something else. Knowing he was gone ate at her, heart and mind.
'I've shown you, I own you.' He did, ever since he had disappeared her thoughts had been of almost nothing but him. Yet the boy she had known no longer existed did he? When they had faced each other last he had been so different, hardened against her.
'And though you made me, you can't change me.' She felt a wave of guilt. She had turned him into this, from a boy filled with innocence and charm, to a man hardened and broken all at once. The man she had faced in the council chambers of Camelot two months ago had held nothing of the boy save the eyes, they belonged to that boy she had known.
'I'm the perfect stranger who knows you too well.' He did, he knew her weakness. Yet even when he knew her to be an enemy both of his and of Camelot he had not turned her in. He knew she had magic. No, he had known.
"No. You are dead."
'I'm alive. I'm alive! I am so alive, and I'll tell you the truth if you'll let me try." The poisons effects had stopped working on him. Of course it had, he was already dead. Yet she felt his hand take hers.
'You're alive, I'm alive and I'll show you why, I'm alive. So alive.' He leaned in and she pulled back as she felt his warm breath ghost over her face.
"You're dead! You died, alone and friendless. But it was your choice. You left and you died. You're not here. I don't want you here! I hate you." She whispered this last, trying to make him go away. Even her magic fought against him now, yet still he remained.
'I'm alive. I'm right behind you.'
"I just want to forget you!"
'You say forget but I remind you.' She covered her ears and screwed her eyes shut. His hands gently pried hers from her ears.
'You can try to hide but you know that I will find you.' She opened her eyes as she felt his breath, smelling of honey and mint, on her face once more.
"Why?!" Her voice cracked.
'Cause if you won't grieve me, you won't leave me behind.' The tears fell then. As each drop hit the floor he vanished a little more. When she knew she could cry no more she looked up and saw the faintest shadow of him. He spoke one last time.
'If you try to deny me I'll never die, I'm alive.' Then as the blackness crept into her vision he vanished as if he had never been there in the first place. She slept for the first time in a week then. Yet even now he would not leave her thoughts. But instead of fiery visions of his death she saw him wandering alone through lands she had never seen. She saw him alive and growing, stronger and wiser than he had been when he left. She saw him meet many people, young and old, those who spoke in a language she knew and those who did not.
But through all of this she knew he did live, he lived yet on in her visions. But always he would stare into the west, longing for something long left behind. She often caught herself doing the same, always to the west. But she knew why she did this. In the west lay the greatest Kingdom that could be. Camelot.
~~~~~Seven Years Later~~~~~
Morgana's spy thought she was going to kill him. Right then and there. Her shriek of disbelief was so loud that he knew he wouldn't be able to hear out of his left ear for at least a month. She had nearly bodily thrown him from her hovel.
Merlin was alive. She had figured that out but the fact that he had returned was outrageous, He had returned and once again saved Arthur. But more than that. The knife of betrayal but deep into her heart once more. He had MAGIC! Magic and Merlin, the two words now went hand in hand. They were so different and yet belonged together even in her mind. She had to rid herself of him. He had to die.
But first she had to know, how long. She had to know if he could have helped her. If she tried to kill him before then she would lose her resolve, she wouldn't be able to do it.