This is going to be awesome! I always wanted to write a Naruto fanfic. Sure, there are hardly any standards for getting my fic published, but that's beside the point. By the way, this is going to use the Viz translations and spellings of all the elements of Naruto, because I have all the volumes and that's where I read the series. Anyway, thanks for checking this out! I hope you enjoy it
Chapter 1: Noodle Destiny
It was a beautiful day out. There wasn't so much as a single cloud in the sky, the grass was green, the birds were singing, and a soothing breeze was blowing across the land.
Oh, and two guys who were turned pure evil by the special hate chakra in their brains had awakened an unstoppable death monster that was about to thrust every living being on the planet into an inescapable illusion after going on a global killing spree. Way to ruin someone's week.
They had also had a bunch of dead guys helping them out until one of them, a cheerful chap named Itachi, had pointed out that dead dudes don't fight the living except in Zombie Apocalypse stories, which the Ninja World hadn't come up with yet. The dead people had realized the truth in Itachi's words and promptly fallen to pieces like good dead people should.
These two evil guys were currently standing on top of the Ten Tails, the aforementioned evil monster. Or, to be more accurate, Uchiha Madara, a ninja famed for being nearly as overpowered as the First Hokage was standing on the Ten Tails. The other one, Uchiha Obito, a guy who threw the world's biggest temper tantrum after being friendzoned, was lying on the Ten Tails, being beaten over the head with his severed leg.
"Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself," Uzumaki Naruto, the blond leg-wielder repeated over and over again. With one arm he beat Obito with the leg, and with the other he gripped the hand of long-time admirer and fanon girlfriend Hyuga Hinata. He wasn't sure how much of Hinata was still there, but he definitely had her hand.
If this story were made in a medium with pictures, you would easily be able to pick out Naruto as the protagonist, because out of all the people assembled, he had the craziest hairstyle. However, since this is but a humble fanfic, I'll have to inform you myself.
NARUTO IS THE HERO, GUYS!
"Ow, stop it, that hurts!" Obito cried out every time he was struck by the leg. At that point he probably would have called for his mommy, except for the small problem of how he and Itachi had murdered her a few years back.
"Good job, Naruto!" called Hatake Kakashi as he gave Naruto the thumbs up. Kakashi was the man who had started this whole mess. Long ago, he and Obito had been comrades, and their teammate Rin had been kidnapped during a vital mission. Obito ignored the mission and ran off to rescue her. Had Kakashi stuck true to his values and completed the mission, Obito would have died. However, he instead went back and helped to save Rin, causing Obito to end up in Madara's clutches, turn into an evil bastard, and start a world war. Remember kids, abandoning your friends is the right thing to do.
"A little help here, Madara?" Obito called to his comrade. "Maybe you could magic up some eye jutsu like Izaohgodstophittingme."
The stylish raven-haired man glanced at the younger Uchiha. He frowned and suddenly waved his hand in front of his face. "Oh sorry, Obito," he apologized. "I was just looking directly into the sun, which is strangely brighter than usual today, and I think I blinded myself. I'm pretty sure that means I can't use the Sharingan anymore."
Obito said a ninja swear word. You can pretend that it was whatever you like, but I'm going to imagine that he said, "Shinobi fuck!" (Which has interesting implications.)
"It's a good thing he forget that he's half Zetsu," barked Akamaru to Kiba. "Otherwise, we'd be screwed."
Since understanding dog is now apparently an ability of the Sharingan, Obito promptly realized that yes, he could regenerate. On cue, the plant flesh stuff in him began to extend in a painful looking way, and he stood up in seconds.
Obito gave a threatening sneer, which is nigh impossible to pull off when you have a large, leg-shaped imprint on your face.
"Tell me," he mused, "have I ever told you about Uzume, Omoikane, and Kami-no-Kaze? They are three of the most powerful Sharingan eye techniques, and they will obliterate your pitiful Shinobi Alliance within a few heartbeats."
Naruto stepped back in shock, but Kakashi stayed where he was. "If you had these powerful jutsu, why didn't you just use them to begin with?" Kakashi asked. "Were you just waiting for the most dramatic moment or something?"
The opposing Uchiha shrugged. "I really don't know," he admitted. "But now, your fates are sealed!"
He quickly performed a multitude of overly complicated hand signs. As he did fire, water, earth, lightning, and wind emerged from his eyes. They converged and shot forward at the group of ninja standing on top of the Ten Tails with him.
And then, just before it could erase them from existence, a wall of energy wrapped around them and took the force of the blow.
"Now that I have the Susano'o, I can protect my allies from all who wish harm on them," explained someone.
Out of the shadows stepped Uchiha Sasuke. He was well known for being the biggest womanizer in the ninja. Secretly, Obito envied him not because of his talent with the Sharingan, but because he had never been able to get a girlfriend of his own. Currently, Sasuke had been convinced to fight for the Shinobi Alliance, but his constant side-switching also made him well known.
"How?" Obito screamed in anger. "I showed you the path of vengeance! I made you my ally!"
Sasuke nodded. "You did," he agreed, moving forward to stand beside Naruto. "But I had a friend who never gave up on me, even when I tried to crush his Will of Fire and his comrades over and over again. Can you say as much?"
Obito clenched his fists and growled. "But you're an Uchiha," he pointed. "You don't walk in the path of light. Give it up, Sasuke! Sooner or later you'll fall right back down to what you were!"
The younger Uchiha raised his sword and pointed it at his senior. "Give up trying to make me give up!" he snapped.
Naruto gave him a friendly punch in the arm. "Hey, you stole my line," he scolded.
As the two boys, one Uzumaki and one Uchiha, stared down the number one enemy of the ninja world, eight other people dropped onto the Ten Tails.
The first one that Naruto noticed was his father, one Namikaze Minato. The former Hokage's mouth dropped open in shock.
"Is that you, Obito?" he asked the Uchiha. "Wow, so you were the one behind the attack all along. You always pull the best pranks, Obito." He went to give his student a pat on the back, but he was shoved away by Madara. Minato gave a resigned shrug and strolled over to Naruto.
"Dad!" gasped the orange ninja. He sprinted forward and wrapped his father in a hug, tears streaming for his eyes. "I always wanted this moment."
Minato waited until Naruto was done before pulling something out of his pocket and handing it to his son. "Here Naruto," he said, "I got you a little something."
Naruto's eyes sparkled with wonder as he held up the present. "It's a coupon for Ichiraku Ramen!" he exclaimed. "Dad, you sure know me well!"
Minato raised a finger in the stern, fatherly way seen so often in movies. "Correction," he said, "it's an expired ramen coupon. I hope it makes up for how I sealed an incarnation of hatred inside you, then left you as an orphan despised by the village for all those years."
"Expired?" Naruto asked. "Well if it's expired, then I'll just have to find a way to get back to before it was expired!"
"Hey, aren't you forgetting someone?" asked Obito as he jumped around in the air waving his hands. "You know, the awesome guy with the giant monster that's going to destroy your world?"
Naruto shook his head. "I don't think so," he replied. "I just need to get my ramen."
"Hey Kurama, have you ever heard of a jutsu that lets you run so fast you go back into the past?"
"I don't think so, Naruto. Why would you need one?"
"Haven't you been paying attention at all, Kurama?"
"Nope. I've been staring at this picture of a vixen with no fur on for hours now."
"Throw that away! Oh, and if there's no such jutsu, I'll just have to make one. Sit back and watch me, Kurama!"
"It'll be my pleasure."
Naruto focused him chakra, pushing it all into his feet. Then he rushed forward, knocking Kakashi, Might Guy, and Ino out of the way. Within moments, he had surpassed the speed of light, completely screwing over the laws of physics and making Ninja Albert Einstein twitch in his grave.
Things seemed to blur and distort around Naruto as he sped down the convenient staircase on the Ten Tails' side and ran across the battlefield. He rushed around the rocks, heading to his home village.
By the time he passed through the gates, sixteen years had never happened.
Naruto looked at his ramen coupon. Now that he was in the past, it was still good. He smiled, happy to know that he was going to get his noodelicious snack.
Naruto cheerily bounded over to Ichiraku Ramen. However, the sight that greeted him was a terrible shock. Ichiraku Ramen had not yet been built. In it's place stood an orphanage.
"Goddamn orphans," Naruto muttered under his breath. "Think they can ruin everything just because they don't have parents. I'll show them."
As he prepared a Rasengan, he heard the sound of wheels scraping, and something came to a stop behind him. He spun around, and saw a Ramen Peddler.
"Ramen guy!" he exclaimed, running forward and wrapping his arms around one of his favourite people in all of the Leaf Village.
"I have a name," the Ramen Guy pointed out as Naruto embraced him.
"I know," agreed Naruto. "It's 'Ramen Guy'."
After Naruto released him, the Ramen Guy stared at the orphanage, a challenge in his eyes. "I've got a dream, you know," explained the Ramen Guy. "One day, I want to turn the orphans into a ramen shop."
"You mean, turn the orphanage into a ramen shop, right?" Naruto asked. "Because I will totally support you on that one."
The ramen guy shook his head. "No, I want to grind up the orphans and turn them into delicious ramen," he explained. "You want a bowl?"
Naruto's mouth watered. No wonder Ichiraku Ramen tasted so good! "Do you take coupons?" he asked, handing the Ramen Guy his ramen coupon.
He got a nod in response. "That looks like one of mine. What type of ramen would you like?"
Naruto made his order and waited for the bowl to come.
"You know," mused the Ramen Guy as he prepared Naruto's ramen, "I'm thinking of making ramen with little fox shaped things in it to cash in on how we're being attacked by the Nine Tailed Fox right now."
Naruto nodded, too deep in his ramen fantasies to realize the significance of what the Ramen Guy had just said.
Finally, the Ramen Guy placed a bowl of steaming hot noodles before him, and he tore into it greedily. As always, ramen was the most important thing in the world. And if he became Hokage, he would have lots of money that he could use to buy it.
So consumed in the sacred art of ramen eating was he that he didn't look up until he heard the footsteps of someone approaching.
It was an ANBU, carrying towards the orphanage a small baby that somehow already had a full head of hair.
"Hey, isn't that…"
"Naruto, I can read your thoughts, and what you are considering is a terrible idea."
"Aw, lighten up Kurama! I always wanted a childhood!"
"No way. Think of how many ways this could blow up in our faces. Or rather, your face, which I sometimes utilize."
"Only if we get Deidara involved."
"That's another way! Seriously Naruto, don't try anything."
"Too late."
Using transformation jutsu, Naruto turned into the first adult that came to mind: Uchiha Madara. He strode over to the ANBU confidently. Behind his mask, the other man's jaw dropped in shock.
"You're Uchiha Madara, one of the most evil and powerful ninjas this world has ever known!" he exclaimed.
Naruto nodded. "Thanks," he growled. "Now I don't have to introduce myself. Look, that's my kid. I must have mistaken him for my expired milk and flushed him down the toilet again."
The ANBU cowered in fear, holding up the baby like a shield. "I-I'm not s-sure whether to believe you," he stuttered.
"Give me the kid and I'll give you a ten second head start," Naruto offered.
The ANBU threw the baby at him and ran away, arms flailing around in the air as he screamed about Uchihas.
"So much for Konoha's finest."
"They always go down like suckers. Do you know how many I've killed just by waving at them? But anyway Naruto, there were easier ways to go about that."
"I got the baby. That's what matters."
"Yes. And you'll probably also get the town put into lockdown in five minutes flat."
"Don't worry about it. That guy was running towards the Uchiha Complex. They'll swear vengeance on him and eliminate him in no time at all."
"Your optimism scares me some times, Naruto."
Naruto shrugged, releasing the art of transformation and cradling the baby in his arms. "Nice to meet you, Uzumaki Naruto," he whispered.
…
In the centre of the Leaf Village, a crowd of shinobi had gathered. To avoid the excuse of "they're there because the plot required them to be", let's pretend that Danzo was giving break dancing lessons. Really popular ones. Lesson that will totally be plot relevant in the near future.
Ah, screw it. They gathered there because the plot needed them to be there.
All was calm, and people were suspiciously not panicking, despite the recent fox attack. Then, a pillar of earth sprung up from the ground, and a blond ninja in orange dropped onto it.
"I have no way of knowing how I just mastered Earth Style," Naruto admitted as he held up a baby, "but I've got something far more important to tell the village. Your Hokage just died. This is his son, Uzumaki Naruto. He has the Nine Tails inside him. If you piss him off, the seal will weaken. Then the Fox will get out. Then he will eat you all. And if it isn't completely obvious what happens next, the lucky ones will die. Thank you."
For effect, he used his bond with Kurama to let the Fox out of him. His friend completely crushed the earth pillar, leaving Naruto standing on top of him. "Like so," he explained.
"Naruto, do I really have to say the line?"
"Yes Kurama, you do."
"But I don't want to say it!"
"Damn it Kurama, I promised you Fox Crunchies!"
"Well, alright. You know how much I love Fox Crunchies."
"Roar, fear me, for I am the Nine Tailed Fox," Kurama said in the most bored voice imaginable. "You all look like Konoha chips. If you make little Naruto mad, then I'm going to come out and gobble you all up. Muhahaha."
Several people watching, including Danzo, fainted. One person yelled out, "It's just a special effect! Look, I'll go tug on his tail!" However, they were drowned out amidst the screams. The only person who noticed them was Kurama, and he promptly gave them a big friendly lick.
With the citizens of Konoha knowing how screwed they were, Naruto brought his Biju back into himself. Then, after leaving a shadow doppelganger to flip the villagers off, he bounded away into the night.
The first order of business had been accomplished. Now, it was time to find a home for himself and Little Naruto.
To be continued…
Thanks for reading all of that! I hope you enjoyed it, since I had a lot of fun writing it. But if not, tell me how I can do better! I'm all ears.
The next chapter shouldn't take too long. Tune in next time to find out how Naruto messes up his beloved village.