Mothers and Manly Manliness.
By Murdererer/Emmy
Disclaimer: I obviously don't own it.
Warnings: there ain't tha' much to warn you of. A little bit of perverted Jack-humor and me writing it… so yeah, not too bad.
A/N: Hello people. This be a little story about Jack trying to help Lizzy get over some pre-marriage butterflies… in true Jack-style. The blind leading the blind, really.
Elizabeth stood staring at her reflection.
"I can't do this," she muttered to the angelic form staring back at her… the reflection.
"I'm quite sure that you are very capable of doing 'this'… it's more of a case of whether or not you want to," a voice retorted.
She spun around to see a very contented and amused looking pirate standing in the doorway.
"Jack…" she breathed in surprise, hand held to heart in a vain attempt to calm it, "I didn't see you."
"Apparently not, I would hope you don't go around talking to your reflection in front of people… could get you sent to a place you don't want to be going," he noted wisely.
The embarrassed blush that crept to her cheeks seemed to amuse the Captain to no end.
"Yes, well, at least I don't go around declaring my undying love for a piece of floating wood," she retorted with a meaningful glare.
"Ah… but neither do I!" he countered.
"What about the Pearl?" she insisted.
"Number one, the Black Pearl is not a piece of floating wood, she's a ship. Number two, I don't go walking around in the streets shouting to anyone that cares to listen my love for her. And thirdly, yes, you do. Back on the island you found a piece of driftwood and told me 'I LOVE driftwood,'" He enlightened with an impish grin and rather amusing hand gestures.
"That was different Jack, I was drunk," Elizabeth defended.
"No, it's not. But to bring this discussion back to where it began I would like to ask you what you cannot do… is it that you cannot breathe, get married or simply walk out of this room whilst you look like a mountain of moving ruffles and material?" Jack asked with an eyebrow raised in question.
"It was more to do with the second suggestion, and I daresay that your observation as to what I am wearing hardly helps," Elizabeth muttered with an indignant glare.
"But, darling, I just so happen to find ruffle-ly dresses irresistible. Which means that you look absolutely stunning and Will, the bloody eunuch, will probably faint just at the sight of you… meant in a good way of course," Jack assured in his ever-optimistic way.
"Thankyou Jack, but I still don't think I'm ready for this! I mean what if this is all a big mistake and he really loves someone else… or I do? Or, what if I can't make him happy and he leaves me? Or-" but before Elizabeth could finish her multitude of 'what ifs' Jack interrupted.
"Darling, lass, calm down. I doubt he would fight a ship full of cursed pirates to save you and not love you. Instead I think quite the opposite, 'sides, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but the whelp tends to get a lovesick-puppy look whenever you're around."
"But how do I know I'm making the right choice?" Elizabeth asked, at the brink of tears, Jack noticed and winced.
"Think of it this way, Missy, at least now you'll be able to legally sleep with him!" he offered with a hopeful grin.
"Jack Sparrow," Elizabeth fumed, "that is not what I wanted, or needed, to hear."
"Apologies," he muttered as he clasped his hands together and offered a regretful smile.
"I need you to be a mother figure right now!" she half-pleaded.
Jack's eyes widened and he looked like he was about to go into shock.
"How, may I ask, am I meant to be a 'mother figure.' For heaven's sakes darling! How can I, in all my manly manliness, be a 'mother figure' to you? Hm?" he asked in an insulted voice.
"I don't know! Say something comforting about marriage, something like: 'it's the best thing that ever happened to me, you'll never regret it.'"
"Lass, I've never been married before, so how can I say something like that?" Jack asked.
"For goodness sakes Jack! Could you please say something comforting?"
"It's the blind leading the blind, luv," Jack assured with a shrug.
"Then learn to see!" she muttered urgently.
"Look, as far as I can see, you love Will, he loves you, and marriage is just a declaration of that love. So, nothing really changes except that now you can rightfully attack Will if he ever cheats on you, which I assure you won't happen, and get all his money. So all in all, nothing that drastic happens, except that you'll never have to worry about another embarrassing proposal and getting pregnant out of marriage," Jack reasoned, calling on his hands to emphasize nearly every word spoken.
"You really think this is the right thing?" Elizabeth asked hopefully.
"That is what I've been trying to tell you for a while now, lass," Jack mumbled.
"Will you be at the wedding?" she pleaded.
"Can't luv, not wit' all the good king's men there, it would be suicide. But I give you my blessing," he assured with a proud grin.
"Thankyou," Elizabeth replied, oddly comforted by Jack's strange attempts at helping.
"Yes, well, I'm off to go break some new law whilst you keep an old one, have fun, and name the son Jack… savvy?" Jack called over his shoulder.
"And the daughter?" Elizabeth asked sarcastically.
"Pearl," he answered, not missing a beat.
"Why don't you just get married and name your own kids?"
"It'd be hard to get a ship pregnant," was the muttered reply as he swung open the door, "By the way. Déjá vu. I had nearly exactly the same conversation with Will."
"Why you…" but Jack was already long gone.
A/N: how'd you like it? It was going to be a short, sweet fic, but Jack absolutely refuses to be sweet without a fight… so we end up with an awkward Jack… offering the best comfort a pirate can… not that comforting, as you can see. Aw, poor Jack, trying to be helpful…
Read and review and I'll write something else… maybe another angst/tragedy, those are sad. Or I could do a funny one… or I could post another chapter on one of my stories… you'll have to tell me… so review. Don't be lazy… review to this, tell me to review one of your stories and I will… nice and charitable at the moment… aren't I?
Emmy