After Erica left, I was a wreck. Once again I had let myself be torn apart by loving someone, and I realise now that I did in fact love Erica; or I was at least beginning to, I mean I loved her as my friend but this was a different sort of love. I made a mistake…a few actually. My first mistake was talking to Mark about my fears and not Erica, this led to sleeping with Mark which was mistake number two and finally siding with Isobel Stevens; well I hadn't really sided with her, I had sided with the hospital, my hospital, my home. If Erica had reported the hospital God knows what would have happened and a lot of people would have lost their jobs.
Though my biggest mistake was letting Erica walk away. It was so sudden and I thought that once she had cooled off we would talk, but there wasn't any chance to talk to her. She didn't answer my texts, my calls rang and rang but Erica wouldn't pick up, I went over to her apartment and knocked on her door but it never opened. I thought for sure she would, and she'd be standing there with her flowing blonde curls, piercing blue eyes and holding a glass of wine, she would take one look at me and the ice queen would melt…I used to have that effect on her, before I slept with Mark, before I freaked out about her seeing leaves. So here I am crying into my drink at Joe's trying to make it not obvious that I'm completely heartbroken.
Thinking about Erica I realise just how much I screwed up, but sue me, after having feeling for only men my whole life this beautiful, strong woman walks into my life and feelings start to become confusing. I don't even know what my relationship with Erica means…am I gay now? I haven't a clue, I mean I slept with Mark and it felt exactly the same as sleeping with Erica once I'd gotten over my fears of going "Africa". So does that make me bi? I've never really felt that way about women before sure I can tell if a girls hot or not but I never thought about doing stuff with them.
Oh great here comes Little Grey probably to tell me something about her and Mark. "Hey! Mind if I sit here?" Lexie asks while setting down her drink and sitting down, I say "no, no just overthinking". She asks me if I think Mark will tell Derek about them seeing each other I reply "if he's not an idiot". Lexie asks me if I'm ok and I'm not I can't take this I can't keep talking to her. I ramble something incoherent and tell her I'm fine and go to the bathroom.
I shut the bathroom door behind me and lean my head against it, tears flowing freely down my face, I feel so alone like when Erica left she took every I had with her, my love, my confidence and my self-worth. Once again I feel like I'm the topic of discussion around the hospital and I walk around smaller, trying not to get noticed. I lift my head and catch my reflection in the mirror, I'm I mess. I push myself off the door and grab some tissue from the toilet and start dabbing away my tears trying to make it less obvious I've been crying. Taking deep breaths the steady myself, I throw the tissue away and start fixing my eye makeup with my fingers.
A woman walks through the door and I can see her standing behind me, I take a quick glance at her and she say "Hey" and I say Hey back she asks me if I'm Ortho and I reply a quick "yeah right hi", trying to move this conversation along so I can go home, I still haven't look at her and I'm vainly trying to fix my makeup even though I'm pretty sure at this point she knows I've been crying. She says "I'm Arizona Robbins Peds surgery, I've seen u at the hospital" I stop and look at her through the mirror. Arizona say "are you ok?" I blow it off like I'm not an emotional weirdo crying in a bathroom, and I turn and look at her and I see her properly for the first time. She's very beautiful with short blonde curls around her face, sparkly blue eyes and I'm pretty sure I saw dimples. Before I can study her any better she cuts off what I'm saying "people talk, where we work, people talk, a lot and for the sake of being honest I, I think I should tell you that I know things about you, cause people talk" she gives a bit of a laugh at the end and I realise what she's talking about.
I say "oh! You mean…terrific" "it is actually the talk people really like you over there the respect you and they're concern and interested, they really like you, some of them really like you! You just, you look upset and I thought you should know that talk is good, and when you're not upset, when your over being upset, there will be people lining up for you." I look at Arizona and start laughing at what she just said, "Care to give me some names?" not really believing what she just said.
Then she's kissing mean, I'm stunned and I'm just registering the softness of her lips and what this means when she's pulling away and saying "I think you'll know". She walks backwards from me smiling that dimple smile and turns and leave. I'm completely speechless all I can do is release a shaky breath and stare at the door and wonder if there all just really happened, a huge smile on my face for the first time since Erica left. I get up off the sink and look in the mirror again, I run my fingers over my lips which are still tingling from the contact and touch my cheek where she had her hand. I turn and I leave the bathroom.
I don't see Arizona as I'm leaving the bar, I just grab my bag from beside Lexie and say goodbye and leave for the apartment I share with Christina, and my thoughts have shifted from one blonde to another.