Back then I was tired of everything.
Just the whole world I was living in made me feel sick.
My failed mission of killing the King of Hell was a bloody little cherry upon the cream of mess around me.
I am up to my neck in these littles child fights between heaven and hell, the big talks about Lucifer being freed from hell and who is better and more loyal to their creator.
My existence was a pain in the ass itself. I was wanted by both angel and demon. I was going to be killed one way or another.
Fleeing from Crowley's hideout, I started thinking about about erasing my existence from this world. Now, miles away, the thought would not leave my mind.
I did not really fear death, it is just that as a demon, suicide is not quite a child's play. Harakiri tickles just a bit and damages my body. Hanging from the ceiling is only useful if I intended to have a better look from above and would leave a nasty mark from the rope on my throat. Jumping in front of a train would just damage the vessel and I would be in need of a new pretty body. I can continue this list forever, can not I?
The only thing that may really kill a demon — except for a gun that has gone missing long ago — is the summoned knife of an angel.
And since all of the stolen weapons from murdered servants of the well-known God were under guard of the King of Hell Crowley (as someone who attempted to kill him, I know), I was kind of in a dilemma; dying painful and slowly from the hand of the demon that wanted me dead the most or finding an angel, loosing all my dignity as a creation of Lucifer and let myself get killed by a demons worst enemy, since I was too tired to fight.
Yes, I am worried about my dignity, after all. I might not like Lucifer himself, but after centuries of war between the two higher races on earth, I don't really want to lock myself in a cage with a bloody lion. There's a difference between suicide and being stupid.
But in the end, I'm either caught by Crowley and tortured to death or an angel finds and kills me. I don't actually have the right to choose, since weaponless I am a dead meatsuit anyway.
It is just the way thing fucked up world works.
Ever since the demons rose from hell and wanted revenge for Lucifer — who has been pulled into his cage — there was war between angels and demons. And the amount of losses remains equally on both sides. As well as Heaven is running out of his brave little soldiers, Hell looses his strongest demons in the fights.
As it takes too much time to raise the offsprings, coming freshly downstairs from earth, angels are not waiting there until we are ready to go.
They are not nearly as cute and chubby as they are described and drawn by clueless humans.
Actually, sometimes they pick the handsomest (and thus, the stupidest) believers that exist on earth for their vessels and damage them to death without thinking twice. They are cruel, ruthless and it is hard to believe they are still following the orders of their beloved papa. Sometimes I think they are just as bloodthirsty as many of us and enjoy the war secretly.
While demons are breaking the seals to Lucifers cage, angels are killing them one by one in order to prevent that from happening. Lucifer will rise someday. He will bring the apocalypse and erase mankind.
Who am I to think about what will follow? I simply do not care anymore.