A/N: I don't know where the hell this came from. It just happened. Not for the fluff bunnies! (soweeee!)
I suppose this is set sometime during season 4, maybe season 5.
One of these I do not own:
A Batman coffee mug
Bones
Pessimistic view on life
Someday
Not today but a day will come when she'll tell me about one of her dates in unwanted, unnecessary detail. As usual, she'll be oblivious to all the signs and hints that I'm dropping to let her know this is the very last thing I want to discuss after such a long and already stressful day. While she's missing every sign and hint she'll barely be looking me in the eyes while she speaks, her beautiful eyes fluttering here and there but never set on me and I'll try to somehow anchor her with my own eyes but she'll fight it as always. She'll tell me about how nice he was. And I'll think, nice. Who cares about nice? That's what does it for her? The jackass just has to simply…be nice? She'll tell me about how smart he was and how he was sooo intellectually stimulating and how after their date she took him home to satisfy whatever fucking biological whatever she was feeling at the moment and after she tells me that I'll have to resist the urge to shake my head and cry. Actually cry.
After a long pause and after she finally makes eye contact with me, her facial expression will change and I'll just barely catch it. She'll tell me that she probably isn't going to see him again. She'll tell me that there wasn't any real connection on an emotional level and that she isn't really interested in being in any kind of monogamous relationship, that he served his purpose. The muscles of my stomach will tighten as I try to withhold from wincing, or audibly groaning. I'll close my eyes slowly and reopen them after a moment with a cleared head. A clearer head.
There will be some more silence, not awkward- not after all this time….just quiet. I'll force myself to swallow the bile rising up in my throat and when I succeed in that I'll force myself to smile to try and ease the tension that I'll know is radiating off of me in waves, if the heat I'll suddenly feel is any indication. She'll keep her eyes on me then, just when I'm feeling completely fucking vulnerable with the entire situation. Jealous. Angry. Tired. So tired. That's when she'll decide that she wants to keep her eyes on mine. I'll give her what she wants. My focus. I'll refuse to look away from her, letting her see what this shit is doing to me. Maybe she'll understand. Thensomething will happen. Something within me will finally snap and inside my head I will tell myself that I can't take this anymore. I'll quickly lose whatever reserve that I had been barely clinging to for all these years. My fingers finally slipping from the edge I'll wonder why it's taken this long. I'll feel shocked that I've actually been strong enough to handle this…strong enough all these years right up until this moment. I'll drop my head. I'll look at the floor. I'll give myself one more chance to not do this. With no desire to walk away I'll look at her seriously then. I'll let every bit of hurt reflect on my face, the hurt of having to hear these stories of hers all the damn time, the hurt of actually seeing her with these guys who don't deserve to even be in the same fucking room with her. Who are incapable of giving her what she needs, who can't satisfy her, who can't protect her... These guys who don't even know her like I know her, these guys who have no idea how fucking long it's taken me to tear down her walls, to get inside. My heart will fall into the pit of my stomach as the words of her story she just told me begin to echo in my mind. I'll have to look away then. I'll have to drop my gaze away from her face then as the pain of knowing some guy some nobody was just with the woman I desperately wanted to be inside, the woman who I fucking need like the air I breathe, yet some loser was there… instead of me.
I'll grab her by her wrists and pull her closer to me. Close to my chest. Close to my heart where she already is. But now as her chest presses against mine, she'll feel it. I'll make sure that she feels it. She'll know that she's there, in my heart. I'll breathe against her face, her cheek. I'll finally let go of her wrists giving her the opportunity to stop me, but she won't. She won't because she knows that she's where she should be. Even though the little voices in the back of my head taunt me and tell me I'll never be the man that she deserves in a million years, the reality is that she is where she is supposed to be, pressed against me. She'll look at me then, really look at me. I'll try to find the words. The perfect words to say because I'll need her to know, I'll need her to understand that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for breaking, for finally giving in after all these years. No words will come, but my lips will. They'll descend upon hers hesitantly but steady until I feel the pressure of her warm mouth pressed against mine and in that instant my insecurities of every kind vanish, maybe hers will too.
I'll pull back then, look into her eyes, and try to desperately read her face. I'll think I've done it. I've finally managed to push her away. I've managed to destroy one of the most important relationships in my life. I'll start to curse myself but then she'll tell me that she loves me. She'll blurt it and she'll look scared and my heart will speed up and nearly beat right out of my chest, and I'll actually wonder if I'm dying, right there. I'll think about each time I've actually almost died. All the close calls. I'll think about the misery, the pain, physical and emotional I endured as a child and as an adult. But somehow in that moment with her I'll still feel so fucking grateful. I'll know that it was all worth it. It was all worth it for this moment. It all had a purpose and it all lead me to this destination, to her. I'll hold back my tears as I silently thank God and kiss her again. I'll want to touch her, feel her and I will. I'll bring my hands to rest on her hips. I'll squeeze them tenderly pushing her back, probably giving off some level of confidence and she'll never know that I'm actually scared to death, trembling inside. Throbbing with need yet completely nauseous. The back of her legs will hit the couch where she'll fall into a sitting position, and I'll stand over her. I'll look down at her while her neck bends to look up at me. I'll try to determine whether or not I can see tears in her eyes but my own vision will be too blurred by my own. She'll move further down the couch until she's able to lie on her back and my stomach will flip. It'll flip and feel just like it does before my finger pulls the trigger, before the door is kicked in, before the phone call is made, before his hand falls against the side of my head.
I'll kneel first on the opposite end of where her head is and then I'll move down slowly joining her on her oversized sofa. She'll turn on her side to make more room for me. I'll lay behind her, my back pressed against the cushions and I'll lay my arm against her hip and leg. She'll place her own hand over mine. She'll trace her fingers over the veins in my hand. I'll settle in closer to her neck and smell her. I'll watch her face, or at least the view I have of her face while I kiss her neck experimentally. When I lift my lips from her skin she'll throw her head back and the softest, sweetest and most erotic sound I'll ever hear in my life will escape her. I'll trace my hand up her leg and let it come around her waist. I'll tell her that I love her too and that I always have. We'll lie like that for awhile silently until I hear her mutter someday. She'll let me hold her. She'll let us have that moment until the sun rises the next morning and we wait, we wait for our someday.
Thanks for reading. I'd love to know your thoughts.